MANIAC - LOVE DERANGED

by Violet Shaw

  Her character had faded away. She was only a shadow of herself.

  A real conversation with her was no longer possible. She was mostly apathetic and mindless, didn’t seem to participate in life; her thoughts were elsewhere and she answered most questions with an indifferent “yes,” or “no.”

  Nothing seemed to interest her, it was as if she had died. Her character had been as much as buried by the pills and pharmaceuticals, her grave filled in.

  But Chloé seemed to be very happy to see her friend again after such a long time. They embraced one another tightly and smiled at one another intimately.

  “I have to take really good care of myself now!” she repeated again and again. It sounded almost like a mantra. “And I learned a lot about myself in the clinic!”

  “And what’s new in the love department?” Valerie asked Chloé curiously and skeptically at one point. Although her friend had emphasized in many texts that she had sent her that she had fallen in love, she didn’t give that impression. Chloé didn’t have that inner brightness which those newly in love always have, and which one can recognize even from a distance.

  “Yes, it’s going really well!” Chloé explained in a monotone. “Manfred is a wonderful person, he’s helped me a lot in the last months. I don’t know where I would be today without his help.”

  Oh dear, that sounded more like great gratitude than great love, full of passion.

  “And you met at the clinic, right? Was he a patient there, too?”

  Now Chloé laughed a little. She answered indignantly: “Yes, we met at the clinic, but Manfred wasn’t a patient, he was a psychiatrist!”

  Her answer was like a slap in the face for Valerie; ice cold shudders ran down her back. That couldn’t be true, a psychiatrist was far worse than a patient!

  “Excuse me, was he your psychiatrist?” Valerie was beside herself.

  “Well, yes, at the beginning he was, but after we realized that we had feelings for one another and that our relationship exceeded that of a normal doctor-patient relationship, we took the appropriate steps and a new psychiatrist was assigned to me.”

  “Isn’t it forbidden for a psychiatrist to have a relationship with his patient?”

  “Yes, actually, it is; that’s why we terminated the patient-relationship. I now have a new psychiatrist.”

  “Yes, but he was your psychiatrist at first. You’re operating in a legal gray zone. I want to be happy about your good fortune, Chloé, but I don’t feel so good about what you’re telling me.”

  “I knew you would say that, and everyone else has reacted the same way. But believe me, Manfred is really a wonderful man with a good heart. Without him, I don’t know . . .”, and she shook her head in despair.

  “And besides that, his being a wonderful man with a good heart, what do you find attractive about him? What does he look like?”

  “Well,” Chloé hemmed and hawed around a bit and then began to laugh to herself: “He isn’t a womanizer in the classic sense!”

  “Oh, that’s not so bad, then; do you at least find him attractive?”

  “Actually, if he weighed about 60 lbs. less, I would indeed!”

  “Excuse me? 60 lbs. less? How much does the guy weigh?”

  “Oh, probably about 280 lbs., but he’s trying to diet. It’s not easy for him. Besides, the exterior isn’t that important. And inside, he’s beautiful. That’s really what’s important in life. I myself traveled in such a superficial society over the last few years and became more and more superficial myself. Ultimately, I felt more and more empty and then at the end, I got sick as a result. I learned that at the clinic, among other things.”

  “Yes, of course, that’s all quite right. But the consequence of all that can’t consist of becoming involved with an overweight psychiatrist. Should that be the solution?”

  “Valerie, I really don’t want to discuss this topic with you any longer. I thought that you wouldn’t understand my relationship with Manfred. And I’m not supposed to get upset; I have to really watch out for myself so that I don’t get sick. I was psychically so run down and I don’t ever want to return there again; please understand!”

  “Yes, of course, Sweetie, I’m sorry, and I didn’t want to torment you, but you also have to understand that because of your unusual story, I’m worried about you!”

  “Yes, yes, I know that.”

  “Good, then answer just one more question for me in closing, to reassure me: Do you at least find Manfred attractive? Or more concretely: Do you like having sex with him?”

  One could always draw her out on this subject, this was her topic, Valerie thought to herself.

  “You know, Valerie, in the last year I haven’t had all that much interest in sex. It’s probably a side-effect of the many medications that I have to take. But there really are more important things in life, as I have learned.”

  Valerie was suddenly all ears: “How many medications to you have to take, Chloé?”

  “Well, a few which are heavy psychopharmaceuticals, but I can’t get on without them anymore. In the clinic they diagnosed a physical illness that I have, whereby my brain doesn’t react appropriately to outside stimulation, which is to say that apparently outside stimulants affect me more than other people, and I over-react to the smallest things. You probably remember how hysterical I always was! Well, in the clinic they regulated me with medication and now I’m much better.”

  “But Chloé, that was a part of your personality. You were never hysterical, perhaps a little overly emotional and loud, but that wasn’t an illness and certainly not so bad that you would have to take such powerful drugs! Do you actually know how dangerous these medications are and what kinds of side effects they have?”

  “Yes, I know very well, but it’s impossible for me to get on without them any more. You saw where my life had brought me, namely into the psychiatric clinic. And Manfred says that I should absolutely continue to take the pills, otherwise I’ll get sick again!”

  “Oh, that’s very interesting! You’re involved with your former psychiatrist on whose recommendation you’re taking psychopharmaceuticals! Don’t you notice what he’s doing to you?”

  “Valerie, please stop this! For the very last time, Manfred is a wonderful person, who really only wants the best for me. Besides, you really can’t imagine how bad it was with me. You aren’t sick, but if you had been in my situation, you would also have taken the pills so that you could survive!”

  The situation between them was threatening to escalate, and that was exactly what Valerie wanted to avoid. Now she had attained exactly the opposite of what she wanted.

  “Come, let’s not argue, let’s talk about something else!” Valerie interjected soothingly.

  Oh, God, it couldn’t be true. Chloé had fallen in love with her psychiatrist! It didn’t get much sicker or more perverse. This person knew almost everything about her, apparently, since Chloé had been in therapy with him. He could judge her better than anybody else. He knew her weaknesses, which buttons he had to push to trigger a concomitant reaction. Because of the information that he had, he had more power over her than anyone else.

  Valerie shuddered at this thought.

  He had used his position unscrupulously while her friend was in an emergency situation, in order to gain control over her. First, with nasty psycho-tricks, and thereafter with something far worse, psychopharmaceuticals. Her friend had already lost her spirit, and her ability to reason had been arrested. He certainly knew that with a clear head and no longer in need of help, Chloé would never be involved with him.

  His weight problem alone . . . that certainly didn’t fit into Chloé’s own scheme of preferences.

  But what should she do now? If she tried to take aggressive action against him immediately, she would alienate her friend and would not be privy to any more information. The most important thing right now was that Chloé stop taking these strong medications. The stuff had apparently fogged up her mind and without this poiso
n she would soon come to the realization herself, that the guy was unsuitable and that she wasn’t in love with him at all, rather only felt indebted to him because of his help at the clinic.

  It was comparable to the Stockholm-Syndrome. Chloé had fallen in love with her hostage-taker, who hadn’t actually taken her hostage personally but rather had captured her soul. And she didn’t notice a thing. It was enough to make one crazy. And it was more than dangerous. The guy had completely changed her, to her own detriment.

  She desperately needed help.

  Over time, Chloé’s situation worsened markedly. Valerie found her to be more and more wooden, stiff, almost mask-like in her appearance and demeanor.

  She was not the person whom she had known earlier: She now had found a new kind of medicine for herself – the drug of psychopharmacology.

  She immediately suffered from withdrawal symptoms when she forgot to take her pills.

  The symptoms consisted primarily of muscle trembling, deep anxiety, loss of concentration and severe depression.

  But when she took the pills in regular doses as prescribed, she felt as if she were packed in cotton.

  No emotions, whether positive or negative, could affect her.

  She hovered on a plane above life while being indifferent to it at the same time.

  But she couldn’t really take part in her own life.

  She had become a cipher in her own life and had primarily been transformed into that by her new friend, the psychiatrist.

  Severin had broken off contact with Alex after she had found out about his girlfriend’s pregnancy. It was unusual, but her interest in his person had ended as with one stroke in light of this bad news.

  Alex simply didn’t want to believe that his affair with Severin was over. The fact that she had no interest in him any longer nagged at his ego relentlessly. She didn’t even answer the text messages which he sent her mostly in the middle of the night, when he was either stoned or drunk again, and ultimately in despair.

  And there was unfortunately also nothing to be done with Chloé, after she had been released from the psychiatric clinic. He had seen her briefly once, but was so upset about her condition that it was simply too much for him.

  Besides, she didn’t attract him physically any more; she was only to be pitied at this point, and he couldn’t pursue an affair with her now. That would simply have destroyed her.

  Shortly after Severin had ended her affair with Alex, she received an interesting job offer from a well-known architecture firm in London. That was an opportunity that she couldn’t allow to pass by, and which she consequently accepted.

  Happy that she could leave Frankfurt again, Severin moved to London. There she worked even harder than before, and she became involved with her new boss, whom she had enchanted.

  For Severin, however, it was only a relationship for practical reasons. She had no passion for Ray, everything was done only for one purpose: to advance in her career as quickly as possible.

  Chloé stayed with her psychiatrist for a while longer, and with the help of the pills that he had recommended, he had her under his control.

  Because of her fear of criticism and disagreements that she didn’t want to have, Chloé and Valerie didn’t see one another at all any longer.

  Valerie believed that she had now finally “lost” her friend, since she wasn’t “reachable” for her at this point.

  Finally, Chloe did leave her psychiatrist, after she had been with him for more than a year. She had come to the conclusion that she didn’t love him, at least not sexually, only platonically.

  Now, after the break-up, Chloe and Valerie got together more often, although she had lost the connection to real life. Because of her long stay at the psychiatric clinic, and the taking of the strong drugs, she had become difficult; everything was a burden for her.

  Happily, Chloé realized that she would have to stop taking the pills, but this step proved to be extremely problematic, since meanwhile she had become totally addicted to the psychopharmacological tablets. Without them, she wasn’t able to live.

  She had additional contact with her ex-lover, the banker Alex, who had gotten married in the meantime. But she wanted to protect herself from him emotionally and sexually, since she couldn’t maintain an affair with him because of her frailty.

  In addition, she had lost a great part of her lust for life. Mostly, she was dull-witted and depressed; simply disappointed by life. She saw only the bad in everything and couldn’t motivate herself properly for any reason.

  When she wanted to visit Valerie in Munich during Oktoberfest, Valerie offered to lend her one of her dirndls, so that Chloé, who was in a disastrous financial situation, wouldn’t have to buy a new one. But even this well-intentioned suggestion caused mistrust on Chloé’s part: “Oh, so you’ll give me your ugliest dirndl so that I won’t look very good next to you!”

  She had even given up her art almost entirely, and painted only occasionally. The few pictures, which she still painted, had nothing in common with her earlier works. She didn’t use any bright colors any more; instead, she painted these immense dark paintings with small red color splotches; pictures that reminded Valerie of the vestibule to hell.

  After Valerie and Jason had had a marvelous time in the USA, Jason had to work harder again, primarily in Eastern Europe. They saw each other only occasionally, mostly during a few weekends in Munich.

  Then their affair died down again – without any plausible reason, as far as Valerie was concerned.

  Jason often barricaded himself behind his work, so that they didn’t see one another for two months. Valerie assumed that he was using his work in order to prevent their relationship from becoming more serious.

  A business trip to Zurich for her PR Agency gave Valerie the hope of a reunion with Jason again.

  She had also been busy with almost nothing but work over the last two months. Although she had an affair during this time, it didn’t have any meaning for her.

  And she couldn’t simply just forget Jason, which is why she wanted to see him in Zurich.

  Jason was in Kitzbühl at the time, where he had driven for the weekend. When he heard that Valerie was in Zurich, he was very enthusiastic. He wanted to meet her immediately at the Terrace Bar after his arrival. And although they hadn’t seen each other for two months, they immediately made a date for dinner, plus they agreed to spend the night at his place.

  Valerie was shivering because of the cold, as she waited for her friend Sophie on the Limmatquai in Zurich. It was an ice-cold Sunday evening in January. As always, her friend was late.

  Valerie was slowly becoming impatient, as she tried to shield herself from the cold in her lamb-skin coat.

  “Hello, Valerie, sorry, I hope you didn’t have to wait for me too long?” she heard the familiar voice of her friend, who had just arrived.

  “No, no problem! Nice to see you! Everything good?”

  They kissed each other on the cheeks and laughed conspiratorially.

  Even though they lived in different cities and therefore didn’t see each other very often, they had been friends for an eternity and exchanged news at regular intervals about their lives, especially their respective love lives.

  Sophie was a great friend: intelligent, charismatic, and loyal. She was a good sport and up for anything.

  And even though Sophie and Valerie led different lives, they still felt a connection with one another.

  Although Valerie really didn’t want to change places with her friend, she envied her secretly sometimes because of her orderly, if not all too exciting, life. Everything seemed to work for her in an orderly fashion, in linear columns, admittedly a little too conventional, but therefore reassuring.

  “And what is the plan? When does he plan to arrive? Do we have time to have something to drink and a chat by ourselves?” Sophie looked at her questioningly.

  “Yes, of course! Jason will be arriving about 8:00 p.m. from Kitzbühl. We’re going to meet at the T
errace Bar. Why don’t we go there right now!” Valerie was pretty excited and sensed that her excitement wouldn’t abate in the next few hours.

  As could be expected on a Sunday evening, the Terrace Bar was quite empty. They chose a table by the window, with a view of the Limmat. They could also watch the door from there, and see Jason as soon as he arrived.

  “Are you already excited?” Sophie asked, laughing.

  “And how! I hope he shows up, and doesn’t call to cancel, or has an accident or something.”

  Valerie was glad that her friend was with her to help reduce her nervousness somewhat.

  “Oh, he won’t do that. He’s probably as excited to see you as you are to see him. He’s no doubt nervous too!”

  “Yes, I hope he is!

  As the time approached 8:00 p.m., Sophie and Valerie took turns looking at the door.

  Sophie was very eager to finally see the man who had sent her friend into ecstasy.

  Every time the door opened someone came into the bar, Sophie asked curiously: “Is that he?” Valerie had to answer in the negative a number of times.

  “But there he is!” Sophie suddenly said with the greatest certainty.

  Yes, that was he. Valerie’s and Jason’s gaze had already locked the moment that he arrived. They beamed at each other as he walked from the door to the table.

  He again and always looked fantastic. His appearance made her body tremble. She could feel how, just by seeing him, she was magically pulled under his spell.

  With his radiant tooth-paste smile and a little embarrassed, he came toward her.

  He had her already. It had happened to her again.

  “Hello!!” he laughed, a bit shy and sexy at the same time. They greeted each other with little kisses. Valerie noticed that he was also visibly nervous.

  And as Valerie cast a short glance at her friend Sophie, she saw that she too was not unimpressed by Jason.

  After Jason had greeted Sophie, he wanted to sit down at the table, but Valerie said vehemently: “No, no, we’re going!”