MANIAC - LOVE DERANGED

by Violet Shaw

  She wanted to leave as quickly as possible, and be absolutely alone with him again.

  They had decided to go to the Italian restaurant, which was right around the corner from Jason’s penthouse in the hip Escher Wyss quarter. The restaurant was quite busy for a normal Sunday evening. The guests consisted primarily of a mixture of artists and bankers, who, to escape from the monotony of their everyday lives and their disappointments, liked to spend time in art-world gathering places.

  The restaurant was bathed in lilac-colored light and the white shellacked tables shimmered in contrast in this eccentric lighting.

  Upon their arrival, Valerie and Jason were studied with interest by the guests and the staff. They were a very beautiful couple together, and enjoyed the attention that they drew to themselves.

  “What should I eat?” Jason asked, bending over the menu.

  This question was so typical for him, Valerie thought to herself. He never knew what he should eat. He was quite indecisive in this regard and required culinary advice. That was the complete opposite of his usual behavior, where he always knew precisely what he wanted and never asked for her advice.

  “Try the fish, the Dorado is probably very good here!” Valerie tried to help him.

  “Yes, maybe,” Jason replied, “what are you going to eat?”

  “I’ll probably also have the fish.”

  “Oh, what the heck, I’m not in the mood for healthy eating; I’m going to have a Pizza Margherita.”

  That can’t be true, Valerie thought. How often had she been at dinner with him and how often had he ordered Pizza Margherita for himself?!

  It was incredible, but he was like a little boy. Either this dish reminded him of his childhood, or he had to do without it then, and now he’s attempting to compensate for the deprivations of his childhood. Probably the latter was the most likely.

  “And, how was your weekend?” she asked him, while she studied his profile closely, while being careful that he didn’t notice her intense interest.

  Incredible, Valerie thought, how good he still looked. Naturally even he was gradually becoming older, but in no way less attractive. Completely the opposite – he was actually becoming more and more interesting-looking in the course of the years!

  “It was very nice, and completely relaxed in Kitzbühl; I played some sports, read, and really rested. In the last few months, I’ve been driving to Kitzbühl often on the weekends when I need a little respite. I didn’t go out at all on the weekend, but all of the going out isn’t as appealing to me as it used to be. I am already familiar with everything and have seen or experienced everything at least once.”

  Unbelievable; Valerie could hardly believe her ears. These were new and unfamiliar words coming from Jason.

  Did he want to present himself as harmless, to divert the conversation from something, perhaps his terrible state of affairs? Or, had he indeed become a mature man?

  They had a lively conversation, about Munich and Zurich, about Schumann’s, New Year’s Eve, skiing, friends and acquaintances they had in common.

  He told her about his real father, with whom he had been in contact again for some time, and whom he now supported financially.

  “Well, that’s certainly news! On the one hand I find it good that you’re in contact with your father again . . . on the other hand: after all that he did to you . . .and now you’re supporting him! Valerie was horrified.

  “Yes, but what should I do?! He is poor, old, and sick. And he’s my father, nonetheless!”

  Yes, that was true, there was no counter-argument.

  Valerie again had the impression that Jason had really become more mature in the time that they hadn’t seen each other. Or was she fooling herself?

  “And, how is your love life?” Jason asked her suddenly.

  “Oh, pretty good, sometimes great, sometimes not; it always sways back and forth with me; one really can’t describe it with great certainty.” Valerie wanted to emphasize that she was not all that approachable, but not so unapproachable that he could think she had no love – or sex – life. He shouldn’t believe that under any circumstances! The fact that after him, no man had ever appealed to her, she kept to herself, of course.

  “But you don’t have a serious boyfriend at the moment, right?” Jason kept digging a little further.

  “No, currently there’s nothing serious happening.”

  “Oh, incredible,” Jason replied, “a woman as beautiful as you and single; I can hardly believe it!”

  “Yes, you’re right, it’s true, but I’m also very choosy, and it’s rare that someone appeals to me a great deal.” This time she wasn’t lying; she was telling the truth.

  “And with you?” she asked Jason the same question. He suddenly looked sad, stared at the tablecloth and said in a quiet tone:

  “Yes, I’ve had a girlfriend for a little while now!”

  Oh, God, that can’t be true! Did he really just say that he had a girlfriend, this person who is incapable of maintaining relationships and good at destroying them?”!

  His answer hit her like a blow; she could really not imagine it. How could it be possible? And why was he here with her – and why should she sleep with him tonight?

  Either he had no scruples whatsoever, or he was lying to her, to test her – to see how much it hurt her!

  Valerie tried to hide the shock that his words had caused her, and continued to act both friendly and in control of herself. His relationship couldn’t be that serious! And Jason also continued by saying:

  “She has an uninteresting job in Munich, and when she sits at the table she can’t really converse; you can forget about that with her; nothing is transmitted. And besides, she is very clinging, and that of course annoys me a great deal. So what should I do, should I break up with her? Should I end it?”

  “My, but you’re quick to get to that point,” Valerie responded and had to laugh a little in light of his lack of scruples and quick decision-making. So it wasn’t very serious after all, as she had surmised!

  “Yes, chop chop! I definitely still want a family and children and she isn’t up to that!”

  “That’s something that you have to decide for yourself, but I have the feeling that you’re not entirely sure what you want!”

  “Uh huh,” Jason murmured, as if her answer didn’t quite satisfy him. But please, what did he expect of her? Should she advise him on his break-up with this ominous girlfriend? No, Valerie still had her pride! And what was it with these psycho-games again?

  Just as Valerie had finished that thought, Jason continued: “I do love her, but she’s nothing; I’m going to end it anyway. And besides, I can’t even talk to her properly . . . like with you; that makes absolutely no sense! She’s not the right one.”

  Yet he loved her; that was unbelievable! Jason didn’t even know what love meant. And although he ostensibly loved her, he wanted to break up immediately. He was clearly totally messed up.

  I’ve been to every club in the world, and all of that doesn’t interest me any longer. I just want a family and children.” His words sounded convincing. He avoided looking at her and concentrated on staring at the parquet floor instead.

  They were sitting together on the couch in his penthouse. He had mixed drinks, and chill music was playing in the background.

  At first Valerie didn’t know how she should answer his statement. His words were so unexpected and seemingly completely out of context.

  He had already voiced his wish for children, for a family, and a feeling of affinity at earlier points in their relationship. The difference was that all this time Valerie had had the impression that this wish was only the product of a passing mood, and was discarded immediately thereafter. This time, his vehemence surprised her, the inflexible undertone that was evident in his voice, as if he wanted to put a new business plan into effect.

  “And where would you like to live?” she asked him.

  “I don’t care. I’ll move anywhere, if I have a fam
ily. Even back to Germany.”

  Valerie was completely taken by surprise. He had just caught her unawares, with his ice-cold declaration. And that wasn’t surprising in itself, since it wasn’t exactly a conversation that one usually had before one wanted to have passionate sex. Or was it?

  She felt an almost indescribable longing for him and was mistrustful at the same time.

  Was he just testing her and the effect that he had on her? Was he testing how far he could go, how deeply she was willing to be involved with him?

  Presumably he would let her down a moment later.

  Besides, he hadn’t spoken to her personally. It was highly likely that he wasn’t talking about a future together, but rather only about his own, which would take place without her.

  Anxious and inhibited, they both stared straight ahead.

  Valerie took heart, reached for his hand and looked at him provocatively.

  “I can see in your eyes that you don’t want to sleep!” he commented, somewhat amused.

  She gave Jason a provocative smile, whereupon he reached for the back of her head possessively. And faster than she could react, he grabbed her and kissed her wildly. After that, everything moved very quickly.

  Brutal sex; he had taken that which – in his eyes – belonged to him. There was nothing romantic about it. He had fallen onto her like a wild animal. He was completely starved.

  Apparently sex with his great new girlfriend wasn’t quite so intoxicating, otherwise he wouldn’t have mutated into an animal, Valerie thought to herself.

  After the sex, she had intended simply to give him a kiss and say good-night, but all of a sudden this was much too much for him.

  Like a caged animal, Jason panicked and jumped to the side. It was bizarre; they had just had passionate sex, but now he apparently dreaded being touched by her.

  This was too much for Valerie. Particularly at this moment, shortly after they had made love, she couldn’t bear his rejection. She felt more than rejected, like a cheap whore, whom one didn’t touch after sex. Her nerves were totally exposed.

  “Jason, what’s the matter with you? What’s this all about?” she said, assuming the upper hand. Her brown eyes glittered in anger, while Jason fidgeted around her, looking anxious:

  “I have to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow!” he tried to withdraw from the unpleasant situation.

  “It would be best if you slept in the guestroom, Valerie. Good Night!”

  And without looking at her again, he disappeared down the stairs to the bedroom, and closed the door behind him.

  That was the final straw!!! Valerie ran down the stairs behind him.

  It was more rejection than she could bear. She tore open the door to his bedroom. Still standing on the threshold, she let him have it, enraged:

  “Say it – this isn’t your intent. Since when do we sleep separated from each other?!

  He lay in his bed, looking fearful. Panic was written all over his face.

  “I have to work tomorrow; I just told you that!”

  Panicked, he looked at her and jumped out of bed.

  “Valerie, I’ll take you to your room!”

  Jason stood at the door of the guestroom, which she had now entered against her will. He held onto the doorknob with his left hand:

  “And if you don’t stop right now and be quiet, I’ll lock you in and take the key!”

  She could see the pure panic in his face; he had lost control of himself and his actions. She recognized the seriousness of the situation, that he meant what he said and was prepared to lock her in.

  He was behaving like a wild animal, taking nothing into consideration. There was no compromise.

  “Oh, no, Jason! Please don’t!!!” she begged him, “don’t do that!”

  A moment later, after Valerie had behaved submissive as a mouse, his facial features relaxed again: “Alright then, Good Night!”

  “Good Night!” Valerie sounded conciliatory although she was beyond shocked. She couldn’t let on, however, under any circumstances.

  Suddenly, he was more than frightening as far as she was concerned. She was upset and she was terrified of him. Who knew what else he was capable of doing!

  But she acted simply as if nothing had happened, as if his behavior had been completely okay and normal.

  She was glad when he finally closed the door behind him.

  By all appearances, he was indeed totally crazy; he had just lost control of himself entirely, wanted to rob her of her freedom, threatened to lock her in.

  This was the proof of everything: He had gone to pieces. He was no longer a person – he was so cold.

  Nothing mattered to him anymore; he was like a dead fish – emotionless.

  The drugs had destroyed him. He was broken; a personal and interpersonal wreck, with no debate about it.

  He couldn’t stand being close to someone; couldn’t handle an interpersonal relationship. And that wouldn’t change; quite the opposite, in fact. In all probability it would have grown even worse, since she had already come too close to him, and he, for whatever reasons, couldn’t bear her nearness any longer.

  Never before did he seem as monstrous to her as he did on that evening.

  Valerie sprang out of bed in the guestroom. She couldn’t sleep now.

  What time was it? Oh no, 3:00 a.m., the middle of the night and she was caught in his apartment with him and couldn’t simply get up and go.

  She was still dozing lightly the next morning when the door to her room opened. It was Jason, standing at the door; she could sense it.

  He came over and stopped at the head of the bed.

  But Valerie couldn’t, and didn’t want to, talk with him now, so she pretended to be asleep.

  Undecided, Jason lingered by her bed. Apparently he was considering whether he should awaken her. After he had pondered for a moment, he decided against it, and Valerie sensed that he was moving away from her towards the door, which he closed softly behind him.

  Thank heavens that he was out of the room. She had no desire to argue with him now. Besides, he had to go to work and would soon leave the apartment.

  She had tossed and turned in the guestroom bed restlessly the whole night long. Yesterday evening had totally escalated.

  It was the next morning that she realized that she would destroy her love for him. Her entire body hurt at this realization. She was so restless, so unhappy in her innermost self, and didn’t know how she would ever calm herself.

  Valerie saw the apartment key hanging on the doorknob of the entry door, within a transparent pouch. Apparently there was only one key. He had asked her to lock the door when she left and to toss the key into the mailbox.

  Otherwise, no message. Nothing. That was typical of him.

  He was so cold. He was lost. And she with him. At this point, she would have loved to blow up his entire apartment. Oh, God, he really didn’t want anything to do with her. He only wanted her to disappear, quickly.

  She felt so small and inconsequential, so unrecognized. He had not appreciated her at all; how could he, actually!

  His continuous reassurances to her didn’t count any more. She knew he could no longer be saved. She felt so infinitely empty at this thought. “How could a heart feel so bad?”

  She had to separate from him. Finally. Period. End.

  Apparently she was a masochist. He would have driven her into the ground, destroyed her entirely. She had just loved him to the point of self-destruction. She was the unfortunate lover.

  She could have stood on her head, gone mad, done who knows what: It was hopeless, simply not to be grasped; she would not ever be happy with him.

  The pain is greatest at the point when one realizes that it will never be. But the pain is at its very worst when one notices that one isn’t loved in return, that the love is one-sided.

  It was a roller-coaster ride of emotions, continually going up and down again, and Jason regulating the tempo.

  Valerie felt increasingly po
werless against him. Her love was one-sided; she now realized that she was loving in a void.

  And she had to and also wanted to face reality. Either she could stay with him and become more and more unhappy, or she could pull the emergency brake and end the situation, to protect herself and go her own way in the future – without Jason.

  She had already spent so much time in this waiting-mode, always tied to the hope that everything would turn out for the best. But now it was suddenly clear that there was no hope for the two of them. Everything was lost.

  And she herself was the maniac, the crazy one.

  She was no longer the lone mistress of her world of feelings, her life, and her happiness. She had given up the responsibility for all that unknowingly and therefore unwillingly. The categorical imperative was required of her: “Dare to know!”

  She had voluntarily allowed her world of feelings to be taken hostage. She had been reduced to a cipher, was no longer self-sufficient; she was connected to him by an imaginary tether.

  And her dependence on him increased proportionally. The fascination that he evoked in her also increased proportionally.

  At the beginning there was neither interest nor passion present on her side, but they had slowly developed in the course of time – the longer she knew him and the more she knew about his broken psyche.

  When exactly had she lost the power over her feelings as well as a great part of herself therewith?

  She felt that she had crossed her borders and exceeded her limits with him.

  And he played with her according to his own rules and to her detriment. It was a game she could only lose.

  Where did they go – all her wishes, her dreams and hopes?

  Had everything simply depended on her own illusions? – “It’s just an illusion . . .”

  Her love for him had made her dependent, had led to the point that she accepted everything – all of his moods.

  She was weak in his presence. And he, who had recognized her weakness, used it unscrupulously.

  She had become the ball-in-play of his varying prevailing interests.