Soul Love

by Lynda Waterhouse

  She fixed me with a hard stare. I was left in no doubt that she meant what she said.

  ‘We met when I was eleven and Gabe was nine. We met in hospital. We were both beginning to guess the truth about those bugs in the blood – that we might have the same illness as our mums.’

  Gabe had told me that both of them had lost a mother. He hadn’t told me it was from the same cause, though.

  ‘Gabe saved my life. He keeps my spirits up. We look out for each other. We know how the other is feeling without saying anything. He is feeling pretty upset at the moment about you.’

  I swallowed. There was a huge lump in my throat. Cleo and I would never be best buddies, but maybe we could learn to get along.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Cleo wiped a hair out of my face.

  ‘Like I’m living in a parallel universe that looks like earth, but nothing is quite the same.’

  Cleo smiled again. ‘Most of the time I feel like the keeper of a deep, dark secret. I watch everyone. Trust no one. School is a nightmare. Never daring to tell anyone. Having to listen to all their ignorant comments about people with AIDS and not being able to say a thing in case it drew attention to me. One time I made the mistake of pointing out that being HIV-positive wasn’t the same as having AIDS. Someone then piped up, “How come you know so much?” and the spotlight landed straight on me … You feel so isolated. Mum couldn’t really believe it was that bad because when she was at school it was during the height of AIDS awareness. It was still a new discovery and they were giving lots of information. My school didn’t tell us much on account of it being a strict church school. Nowadays it’s up to each school what they decide to teach you about in sex education. So I learned to shut up and say nothing, even when people came out with the most outrageous things.’

  ‘It sounds awful.’

  ‘Welcome to my world, Jenna. There’s only one place that kept me sane and that was a special youth club in London that Gabe and I go to. It’s the one place where we can truly be ourselves and not feel judged.’

  I thought back to what Gabe had said in his letter about being able to relax when he was with me. I felt a buzz. It made me feel special.

  ‘I won’t do anything to hurt Gabe,’ I said.

  ‘You’d better not.’ Cleo’s eyes burned fiercely. ‘Gabe and I have been through a lot together. I’d better be getting back to work. Break time’s over. See you later on tonight at the rehearsal. And don’t tell anyone!’

  ‘I won’t,’ I said.

  Chapter Thirty

  It was now late afternoon and the high street had filled up with people, talking about the festival or carrying boxes of food. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone that I thought was Mia, but it turned out to be a false alarm. Meeting up with her right now was the last thing I needed.

  I was actually looking forward to doing some work in the shop. There were hours to go before the rehearsal and I needed some distraction. Finding out first about Gabe and then Cleo was too mind-blowing. It made me wonder how many other HIV-positive kids there were out there and what sort of a time they were having. I also realised how little I really knew about it.

  I had so many questions. What was the difference between HIV and AIDS? Cleo had said they were different. What would happen if Gabe cut himself and I touched some of the blood? I knew that kissing him was probably fine, but would he ever be able to make love?

  I felt shallow for being so jealous of Gabe and Cleo’s friendship. There were parts of Gabe’s life that only Cleo could really understand, and I would always be an onlooker. No wonder Gabe had laughed at the stupid mess I’d got myself into with Mia and Jackson. Bet he’d trade my problems for his any day.

  As I walked into the shop, I was feeling less afraid. ‘I can and I will deal with it,’ I told myself.

  I know Gabe would never do anything to put me in danger. I had to stop thinking of myself. Where was he now? How was he feeling? I wished that I could push the hair out of his face and squeeze his fingers to let him know that everything was all right. I wouldn’t walk away from this relationship.

  As I breezed into the shop Julius frowned at me and raised his eyebrows in a warning signal which I was just trying to figure out when I noticed the vase on the counter and behind it sat Sarah frowning and chewing her nails.

  ‘So you found it,’ I said.

  Sarah flared up at me, ‘Is that all you can say? Well, at least you’re not pretending to act surprised.’

  ‘No,’ I began. ‘I was going to tell you, but something came up.’

  Sarah shook her head and yelled. ‘You are incredible! How you can just stand there so cool after this. You knew how much this vase meant to me.’

  I raised my voice to match hers. ‘I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner.’

  ‘Why did you do it, Jenna? After all I’ve done for you. You just don’t seem to care. Did it give you some kind of buzz? I would have given you as much money as I could spare –’

  ‘Aunt Sarah, stop! I didn’t take your bloody vase! I only saw your vase in the shop window yesterday and I was going to tell you about it. I was pretty certain it was the same vase. I mean, there can’t be that many hideous-patterned vases in the area.’

  ‘DON’T MAKE JOKES AT A TIME LIKE THIS!’ Sarah screamed at me.

  ‘Think I’ll pop out for a breath of fresh air,’ said Julius, edging his way out towards the door.

  ‘STAY!’ Sarah commanded. Julius froze. Sarah turned back to me. Her face was white with rage.

  ‘Julius is going to drive us over to the shop and you are going to apologise to Angie, the owner of the shop, for selling her a vase that didn’t belong to you. It was her assistant who bought the vase and she is working there this afternoon. Lucy will ID you and then Angie may want to call the police and I certainly won’t stop her. Angie does not want word going around that her shop receives stolen goods. It’s about time you started facing up to the consequences of your actions.’

  ‘Why are you so sure it’s me?’ I fumed.

  ‘Lucy says she bought the vase off a young girl with long brown hair and a London accent.’ Sarah was putting on her jacket. ‘I’m not going to push it all under the carpet like my sister. This time you are going to face the truth of the situation.’

  The angry part of me gritted my teeth and followed them out of the shop.

  ‘Fine,’ I said. I knew it wasn’t going to be me who was going to get hurt in the long run. So, Kai was sending his new girlfriend on all his dirty little errands. She had been sent to check that his precious record collection was safe and sell Sarah’s stuff to the antique shop.

  In the car I mellowed a bit. ‘Sarah, please believe that it wasn’t me.’

  She turned the car radio on to drown out my plea.

  I tried again outside the shop. ‘We don’t have to do this,’ I said.

  Sarah ignored me and marched into the shop. For a split second I thought about going along with it and saying I took the vase, to stop her from finding out the painful truth this way.

  ‘Facing the truth is not all it’s cracked up to be,’ I muttered as I followed her into the shop.

  Angie was a tall, smartly dressed woman. She and Sarah kissed each other on both cheeks. Angie tutted sympathetically at Sarah whilst at the same time throwing me a dirty look.

  From the back of the shop a door opened and a girl came out carrying a heavy tea tray. Lucy looked me up and down. ‘She’s got the same length of hair, but the girl I bought the vase off had dark brown hair, not reddish.’

  ‘Are you sure? Hair colour can change in the light,’ Angie insisted. I got the feeling that she was disappointed that it wasn’t me.

  Angie poured some tea. Lucy handed me a delicate china cup and looked at me again and said, ‘Oh I forgot. There was a man waiting outside for her in a car. He had long curly black hair. Looked a bit like an old rock star.’

  Sarah winced as if she’d been kicked and then she quickly recovered.

  ‘Ka
i must have taken it and forgotten to let me know.’ She swallowed her hot tea down quickly and went to leave.

  Angie scowled at Lucy. ‘You never mentioned that there was a man with her before.’

  ‘You never asked me,’ Lucy answered, sticking her chin out defiantly. I got the feeling that Lucy was not happy in her work.

  Sarah laughed it off. ‘It’s probably one of his madcap schemes. It usually means he’s creating some new poetry.’

  I glared. As we were walking to the door I turned, looked at everyone and said, ‘I accept your humble apologies.’

  Lucy giggled and said, ‘No way it could have been you. The girl who came in the shop was pregnant. Oops! I must have “forgotten” to mention that too!’

  Chapter Thirty-One

  So much for the peace and quiet of the countryside that everyone raved about. This place was full of surprises. Living in London was like a rest cure compared to this. I wondered how Jackson and Mia would find it.

  I really wished that they weren’t coming. I was in no mood to listen to them poking fun at everyone and everything in sight. Maybe Rebecca’s brother would be flaky and pull out at the last minute.

  This time Sarah didn’t take to her bed and weep. I wished she would cry or get mad or say something, but she just sat stony-faced in the front room. I couldn’t begin to imagine what she must be feeling. She hadn’t had children because Kai didn’t want them. Now he was leaving her for a young woman who was going to have his baby. How hurtful is that? Plus he was stealing from her. I felt my jaw tightening and my hand curling into a fist at the mere thought of him.

  Even Tallulah was spooked. She ran about the house in a demented way.

  The rain had cleared and the sun was setting, leaving a pale raspberry ripple of light in the sky. The vase episode had taken my mind off things for a while, but it was getting close to the time of the rehearsal. I wondered what the others would say if Gabe wasn’t there and whether I’d have to give an explanation, or would Cleo do it?

  I cleared away Sarah’s untouched mug of tea and poured her a new one.

  ‘The rehearsal won’t last too long. I’ll bring you back some chips. Will you be all right?’

  Sarah nodded slowly. It was a relief to be leaving the house for a while.

  Charlie and Freddie were already unloading the van when I arrived at the shop.

  Freddie grinned. ‘Jenna, the last of the posse … er … what I mean is, that you are the last person to arrive. Not to worry because Julius let us in.’

  Charlie rolled his eyes. ‘I’m not sure which is worse – hip-hop slang or endless sentences. We’re going to start in a few minutes.’

  I glanced round the shop. ‘Is everyone here?’

  He nodded. So Gabe had made it back from his meeting in London after all.

  ‘Cleo is getting changed. Gabe is just helping Julius with the camera equipment. We’ve been asked to supply some photos.’

  ‘And Julius is going to take them?’ I asked as I prepared myself to face Gabe. I wasn’t sure how to act. If I played it too cool, he’d think it was over between us, and if I was too friendly, then the others would catch on.

  Charlie came closer. ‘You OK, Jenna? You don’t mind Julius taking some pictures, do you? He was massive in the old days. Used to photograph rock stars and models.’

  ‘Why am I not surprised?’ I muttered, looking down at my crumpled jeans and the food stain on the side of my T-shirt. If I acted all put out then it would mask my reactions to seeing Gabe again. ‘I’m dressed for a rehearsal not a photo session,’ I grumbled. Let people think I’m vain and trivial.

  Cleo made an entrance wearing a tight black dress, small black cowboy hat and silver chain around her neck. She looked stunning.

  ‘You look fine,’ Gabe said in a quiet voice that made me jump. Then he added, whispering now, ‘I came back from London early. Did what I had to do and decided that I had to carry on with my life.’

  Cleo was in a manic mood and she seemed determined to monopolise Gabe’s attention. For once I didn’t mind. Gabe and Cleo needed each other.

  But as I was swigging from a bottle of water he stood beside me and whispered, ‘Have you read my letter?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Let’s meet up tonight, usual place but an hour later.’

  I nodded again. I was about to reach out and touch him, but he deliberately moved away. Then everything got crazy for a while as Julius set up his equipment.

  ‘Just act natural,’ he said as he switched on a bright spotlight and dazzled us all.

  Cleo grabbed hold of Gabe, Freddie struck mean poses, Charlie looked startled and I tried to melt into the background.

  Behind a camera Julius transformed himself into a camp monster screeching weird stuff at us from ‘Fromage, my lovelies, say fromage!’ to ‘Love the camera, love the camera – now hate the camera, hate the camera.’

  Ava came in the shop dressed to the nines in a sparkly top and freshly applied make-up. She put on a pathetic charade of acting surprised that we were having our photographs taken and being reluctant to join us.

  There was just enough time to run through the order of the songs and make a half-hearted attempt at playing them. We’d used up all our energy posing.

  As we were packing up, Charlie handed out our performers’ passes to the festival. They were plastic bracelets.

  ‘Don’t lose these or you’ll never get in,’ he said. ‘Plus, we’ve been allocated a corner in the performers’ area, close to the stage, where we can camp and use as a space to store our clothes and instruments.’

  ‘I don’t have a tent,’ I said.

  ‘The vicar is lending us one of the cub scout tents for us all to sleep in,’ said Freddie. ‘So that all the groupies and freeloaders can come and party after the show. We are playing on Saturday so we can spend Friday settling in and listening to the other bands or whatever.’

  ‘In your dreams, Freddie. We’re not sharing a tent with the likes of you – are we, Gabe?’ Cleo asked.

  But Gabe wasn’t listening. He looked down at his watch, threw on his coat and walked out of the door. This time, he at least managed a short wave goodbye. Cleo followed him out of the door.

  Charlie sighed. ‘I’m the lead singer so it should be me who’s the mean and moody one.’

  I ruffled his hair. ‘Come on, let’s go for some chips.’

  Now I could understand Gabe’s moods.

  Charlie and I walked back home together, stopping on the way to buy the chips I promised Sarah. Charlie was unusually quiet, and I wasn’t saying much either. I supposed he was getting nervous about playing at the festival and my head was in a spin thinking about Gabe and what we would say to each other. Half of me was excited and the other half was scared that I’d stuff up. Charlie sighed and threw half his chips in a bin.

  I said, ‘You know what they say in the theatre – bad dress rehearsal, great show!’

  Charlie grinned. ‘It’s been really great having you sing with the band. Maybe we could go out together when we’re both back in London?’

  I was startled. Was Charlie asking me out? Charlie noticed and backtracked. ‘When I said go out, I meant to listen to some more anti-folk bands so you can see what they are like. Maybe eat some more pizza afterwards.’

  ‘That would be great,’ I said. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I said, ‘I hope we’ll go out lots, Charlie. You’ve been a good friend to me in Netherby and I’d like it to continue.’

  He walked quickly inside.

  Sarah was still sitting in the front room.

  ‘I brought you some chips,’ I said as I unwrapped the package. I had also bought a fish cake for Tallulah that I crumbled into her dish.

  ‘I’m not hungry,’ Sarah said slowly.

  In desperation, I began to babble on about the photo shoot, the rehearsal – anything I could think of to cut into the awful silence in the room.

  ‘Have you got the food stall ready? I could give you a hand
. And the poetry tombola?’

  Sarah sat up bolt upright and said, ‘Kai will be at the festival and then we can sort out this misunderstanding. Must get everything ready. No time to lose.’ Then she began to manically pace about the room. I’m not sure which was worse. This frantic activity or when she never moved a muscle.

  I went upstairs to pack my stuff for the festival. I hadn’t really given much thought to what I was going to wear on stage. I’m sure Cleo had, though. She had seemed really wired tonight and even more focused on Gabe than usual. I put on my Walkman and played my CDs as loud as I could to blot out the frantic bustling and rustling noises from downstairs.

  There I was, only a few weeks ago, thinking I was so grown up because Mia was my best friend and Jackson liked me; and how cool it was to keep them out of trouble and lose my place at school because of it. Now all that felt like childish stuff. Gabe was right to laugh at me.

  Then it hit me just how much I needed Gabe. How much I valued his presence in my life. How many different sides of me he could see. I thought of all the ‘Our Times’ we had spent together. For a brief time I had stopped thinking about him as a person and let some germ in his body affect the way I felt about him! There was so much more to him than that. When I saw him later tonight I was going to let him know how much he meant to me.

  I crept downstairs to check on Sarah before I left. As I switched off my music I could hear manic laughing. My first thought was that Sarah had completely lost it, but then I heard some familiar voices.

  ‘Mum!’ I screeched. I’d never been so pleased to see her. Even Marcus was there.

  ‘You dark horse, Jenna. Once I found out that you were performing at the Netherby Festival I had to come.’

  ‘You’ll never get tickets. They sold out ages ago,’ I said.

  ‘Lucky for us that Sarah sent me some.’

  ‘I always send your mum a ticket for sentimental reasons,’ Sarah said with a sigh.