Soul Love

by Lynda Waterhouse

  ‘Don’t be fooled. I’d still kill for chocolate.’ I started to sing our ‘Must Have Chocolate Now’ song.

  Mum laughed and took out a large bar from her handbag. We polished it off between us before it was time to start getting ready for the performance.

  I soaked in the bath for a long time. I wanted to feel good for tonight.

  If only I’d known then how fast things were unravelling as I lay soaking and dreaming.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  My head was buzzing with the excitement and my stomach churned with nerves. The reality of performing at the festival was starting to bite, even though I was only singing back-up now. I spent ages drying my hair and going over the songs in my head. Mum had washed the Patti Smith T-shirt. I put it on carefully.

  When I came downstairs, Gabe was in the lounge. Tallulah was sitting on his lap. There was something about the expression on his face that bothered me. He was trying too hard to look as if nothing was the matter.

  ‘Mum didn’t say that you were here,’ I said, frowning.

  ‘She’s upstairs with Marcus. I said I’d wait until you were ready. You look great.’

  ‘Gabe, what is it?’

  Tallulah jumped from his lap and hid under the sofa.

  Gabe took me in his arms and said, ‘It’s Cleo. She’s really sick. After you left she collapsed. We had to call an ambulance.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘They’re not sure, but her immune system is shot to pieces. Turns out that she hadn’t been taking her meds on time. She’s got a raging temperature and is really sick. Later tonight, when she’s stable, they’re probably going to transfer her to a London hospital.’

  I remembered about Marcus.

  ‘Gabe, get out of this house now! Go.’ I pushed him out of the door. We walked across the road to the space by the wall where Gabe always waited for me.

  ‘It’s Marcus. He’s got chicken pox. Cleo spent a lot of time with him the other day,’ I explained.

  Gabe’s eyes narrowed. ‘That can be really nasty. I’m going to go up to London after the gig tonight.’

  ‘I’ll come with you. It’ll be all right, I’ve had chicken pox.’ I touched his arm.

  Gabe pulled away from me. ‘No, Jenna.’

  ‘I’ll come up tomorrow, then,’ I said. Gabe’s coldness was frightening me.

  Gabe said slowly, ‘I want you to stay away.’

  ‘I won’t get in the way. We can meet up for coffee after you’ve checked up on Cleo.’

  ‘No way, Jenna. This has got to stop now.’

  Then the meaning of his words hit me. ‘So last night was a joke, was it?’ Hot tears filled my eyes.

  Gabe said nothing.

  ‘Speak to me!’ I screeched.

  ‘I meant everything I said last night …’

  ‘Why do I feel that there is a “but” coming?’

  ‘Don’t make things any harder than they already are, Jenna.’

  ‘I’ll make things as hard as I can to make you stay.’

  ‘You’re sounding like Sarah now. Trying to cling on.’

  ‘That was below the belt, Gabe,’ I whispered as I leaned against the wall for support. ‘Hit me in my stomach as well as my heart.’

  Gabe turned away and began to pace around in small, agitated circles.

  ‘I’ve never felt this way about a person before, Jenna. You’re special to me. We sort of fit together. That’s how it feels to me.’

  ‘Gabe, I feel it too.’

  ‘Cleo needs me more than you do right now.’

  ‘But we can’t be apart.’

  ‘Cleo has nobody. Her mum and dad are gone. Everyone else in her family had rejected her apart from one cousin who lets her stay with her out of “duty” and so long as she never tells anyone about her HIV status. I promised Mum that I’d always look out for Cleo. She has always looked out for me.’

  ‘What about the group that you go to? Can’t they help her?’

  ‘It’s a lifeline for both of us. Somewhere we go where we don’t have to check ourselves every five minutes. Where people understand. But it’s not enough.’

  ‘I understand.’

  ‘You try, Jenna.’

  ‘I’m trying now. I really am. I’m not asking you to stop being friends with Cleo.’

  ‘I need to put Cleo first in my life at the moment. It’s the right thing to do. This isn’t a game. Her health depends on it.’

  ‘So we have to stop seeing each other? It doesn’t make sense.’

  ‘We need to be apart. There are things I have to do …’

  I swallowed. Gabe had to stand by Cleo and keep his promises to his Mum and Cleo’s. Even though he didn’t love Cleo in the same way, he still had to be there for her. She needed him more. I swallowed again. Deep down I knew that what he was saying was right.

  It hurt so much to think about it …

  My brain whizzed, searching for ways round this.

  ‘How long? A few days, weeks or what?’

  ‘We can’t tie ourselves down with false promises.’ Gabe’s voice cracked.

  ‘Can we stay in touch?’ I felt all fierce inside like a wild animal fighting to the death to save her cub. If only I could write and e-mail Gabe, then I knew that I could win him over.

  ‘Cleo has to believe that it is over between us. Otherwise she wouldn’t let me look after her. She needs me.’

  ‘I need you too,’ I whimpered.

  ‘No, you don’t.’ Gabe looked away. ‘You can’t need me. This is too difficult for me to handle. I’ve been selfish, Jenna. You have to make your own way in the world. Besides, it’s not just about Cleo.’

  ‘So you’re using her illness as an excuse, then?’ I flared up.

  ‘No, but Cleo falling sick has made me think again about us. It’s not fair on you, Jenna.’

  ‘I’m a big girl and I want to be with you. You’ve explained some of the risks and I can learn more as we go along. I love you.’ I grabbed his face with my hand and turned it towards me.

  He looked away. ‘It’s because I love you, Jenna, that I can’t see you for a while. I don’t want you to have to deal with it if I get really sick. You’re too young. You need some breathing space. I’m not sure if I’m ready to deal with a relationship. The closeness frightens me. The thought of what might happen …’

  ‘So, you’re walking out on me.’

  ‘I’m going to Italy with Cleo. Dad’s cousin has a villa there and I think the climate will help her. I was thinking about doing this before I met you.’ Gabe’s voice was cold and firm.

  ‘I couldn’t bear not to have any contact with you for all that time,’ I said. ‘It hurts even to think about it.’

  ‘Every year on the Saturday of the August bank holiday at ten p.m., look up at the sky. Cassiopeia should be there in the north. I will do the same.’

  The pain of losing Gabe was so unbearable that all I could say was, ‘See you, then,’ and I marched back into the cottage without looking back. There was nothing that I could do or say that could change the situation.

  I spent the next hour in my bedroom crying my eyes out.

  Mum left me well alone.

  The crying wore me out and numbed the pain for a while. Was this Gabe’s way of dumping me? Telling me that we could have to wait years. He might not be alive in two or three years’ time …

  I couldn’t bear that thought. No. I knew he loved me. Cleo’s latest illness had shaken him up and he had decided to do the noble thing by me – and Cleo. He was going to keep his promise to his mother and stand by Cleo and support her through a difficult time. He was probably trying to do what he thought was the right thing by me in leaving me. Maybe we both needed some more growing-up time.

  I loved him even more for that. He was taking responsibility for someone and keeping a promise that he had made. It was a promise that needed to be kept. Not like the kind of promises that people like Mia held you to. Or the shallow promises that people like Kai made and
broke every few seconds.

  What sort of relationship could we have in the future if he didn’t support Cleo now? I would just have to learn to deal with the pain of being apart from someone that I loved.

  But there was just one last thing to do.

  Let Gabriel know how much I loved him.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  As soon as we walked out on to the stage a camera began snapping and flashing at us like we were superstars. It didn’t matter that it was only Julius.

  Ava waved at us from the front row. ‘Yoohoo!’

  Mum was sitting next to her (Muriel had agreed to babysit Marcus). Even Sarah was there. Thankfully there was no sign of Kai.

  I’d like to say we were wonderful, but we were patchy with some good bits.

  That’s the good thing about anti-folk music. It’s not about being slick, it’s about communicating. At least that’s what Charlie was always banging on about. Gabe was a little off the beat from time to time and my eyes were puffy and my voice was shaky.

  Lyle was getting all twitchy as he stood in the wings surrounded by his people.

  I walked centre stage and said, ‘I know Lyle is itching to get on and you’re dying to see him, but I’d just like to do one more song. It’s called “Because the Night”, and the person it is dedicated to knows who they he is.’

  I caught the band on the hop. Freddie was already offstage, so I just began to sing. As I sang I rolled all my feelings in my stomach into a ball of emotion and then let them out. I forgot about the audience. I just let rip.

  I wanted Gabe to know how much he meant to me.

  … Because the night belongs to love …

  When I finished singing there was a pause.

  I’ve made a right fool of myself, I thought as I felt myself shrinking.

  Then Gabe grabbed me and kissed me onstage in front of everyone.

  There was a loud cheer. The camera flashed. Even Lyle walked on stage to bathe in some of our glory.

  I held on to Gabe. There was nothing left to say. All I could do was hold on to him for one last time. It didn’t matter that there were hundreds of people watching me.

  That kiss was going to have to last me for a long time.

  Epilogue

  Mum thought I was crazy when I asked for a telescope for Christmas and the neighbours probably think I’m a pervert when they see me stargazing. But this is London and no one says anything.

  I completely agree with Plato. Astronomy does compel us to look upwards and towards another world. I love the night sky. Looking upwards raises your spirits. I always feel more hopeful when I’m looking at the stars.

  Even in London, on a clear night, you can see stars. There are so many constellations with fantastic names like Ursa Major, Corona Borealis and Aquila.

  I managed eventually, after a lot of squinting and false starts, to find Cassiopeia.

  I wish more people would understand that there is no time limit on growing up. Some people can be mature at sixteen and some people act like spoiled children all of their lives. Kai and Sarah were supposed to be the adults, but look how they behaved.

  There’s also no age limit for finding your true love. Just because I was fifteen when I met Gabe it doesn’t mean that our feelings weren’t real or that we couldn’t do the right thing – no matter how much it hurt.

  Loving Gabe taught me so much. To learn from my mistakes and to forgive the mistakes that other people have made. I’m not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and don’t feel the need to follow the crowd. I’m not a background person any more.

  When I look at the night sky I feel close to Gabriel.

  Tonight I feel especially close to him because I know that, wherever he is, he’s looking at Cassiopeia and he’s thinking of me.

  Acknowledgements

  With thanks to Alishia for listening to this story and giving me great advice and support. To James for introducing me to anti-folk music and to The BaSe and TEEN SPIRIT at Body & Soul.

  To find out more about Body & Soul, visit their website at www.bodyandsoul.demon.co.uk