“No, Kendi. I didn’t know. I was his best friend, and I had no idea. Honestly, I don’t know what he was thinking. You couldn’t pay me to tap that.”
“I know, right? What did he see in her? It still hurts so much to think about it.”
“I’m sorry that he hurt you, Kendi. Honestly, you’re so beautiful and smart and so much fun, I can’t understand why he’d risk losing you for her. But, Kendi, Adam does love you. I do know that much.”
“Yeah, well he should have thought of that before acting like such a selfish asshole.” A tear slipped down my cheek as I reached for the nearly empty tequila bottle.
“Hey, slow down. I think you’ve had enough.”
“Are you my daddy now? Lighten up, Rick, it’s a party.” He smiled and I filled two shot glasses, handing him one. With a clink of our glasses, I felt the tequila warm my insides once again.
Rick took the shot glass from my hand and blurted out, “I miss Morgan.” Just hearing her name made my heart stop in my chest.
“I miss her too...every day.” Another tear fell down my face; Rick reached up and wiped it away.
“Come on, party girl, let’s dance.” As we danced among our friends, I started to feel light-headed. The alcohol was getting the best of me. Rick must have noticed and led me down the hall to his room. “Are you feeling okay, Kendi?”
“Yeah, just a little drunk,” I slurred.
“Why don’t you lie down for a little while? I’ll be back to check on you.” He took my shoes off and tucked me in, dimming the lights. I heard him set a trash can next to the bed and close the door behind him as he left. He was so sweet to take care of me.
The next thing I knew, Adam was sitting beside me, stroking my hair. I must have dozed off for a while. I glanced at the alarm clock next to the bed displaying 12:10 a.m. in glowing red numbers. “Adam, what are you doing here?” I asked quietly.
“Rick called me and said that you might need a ride home. Are you okay? He said that you had a lot to drink.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Can you take me home? Chase drove, and we kind of got into a fight. He can bring the girls home later.”
“Yeah, come on. Let’s get you home.” Adam picked me up and cradled me in his arms with my shoes in hand. I wrapped my arms around his neck, snuggling in close, welcoming the comfort. He stopped to whisper something to Rick on our way out, and then we left. I slipped my shoes on in the car while Adam drove. We rode in silence, my eyes watching everything that passed by outside my window. My head was still swimming from the alcohol, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to be with Adam. He walked me to the door and unlocked it for me with my key.
“Are you going to be all right by yourself?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thank you for bringing me home,” I whispered. He pulled me against him, wrapping me up in a friendly hug, and I rested my cheek against his chest. His familiar smell melted me. It felt so good to be in his arms. I instinctively looked up at him, and, with my hands in his hair, I slowly brought his mouth to mine. I kissed him gently. He hesitated briefly but began to surrender to my lips with his own. His lips felt so good. God, I had missed this.
Maybe it was the alcohol or my conversation with Rick, but I was at a point of retreat. I was tired of denying my feelings for Adam. I ran my fingers through his thick hair as I pulled him closer to me, devouring his mouth with my own. With his arms around my waist, he lifted me up slightly, my feet inches from the ground and carried me into the house. We made it only to the kitchen as he hoisted me up, settling me down on the kitchen counter.
Standing between my legs, he continued to kiss me, holding me close, stroking my hair down my back. My hands were everywhere. In his hair, digging into the strong cuts of his back, gripping his backside. I tugged at his T-shirt, and he raised his arms as I lifted it up over his head. He slowly unbuttoned my shirt and pulled it from my arms as I crushed my bare skin against him. The smooth skin of his toned chest against me warmed my insides more than the tequila had. I ran my hands up and down his bare back as his tongue pushed its way into my mouth.
I reached down and started to unbutton his jeans. He grabbed my hand and held it in place, denying me access to what my body craved. This was not like him. I ached for him, and I needed this more than ever.
“Adam, please,” I whimpered.
“Not like this, Kendi,” he said quietly against my mouth. Resting his forehead against mine with his eyes closed, he sighed. “You’re drunk. Believe me, I want this more than I have ever wanted anything but not like this.”
I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help but feel hurt by his rejection. Adam never refused sex. I turned my face away from his, embarrassed that I had let myself get carried away. He softly kissed my cheek and reached for his shirt, pulling it back on over his head.
He picked up my shirt and said, “Let’s get you to bed.” I let him lead me by the hand up the stairs to my room. He grabbed a T-shirt from my closet and after unclasping my bra, he slid it on over my head. It felt cool against the heat of my skin. He laid me back and pulled off my shoes and shorts. I quietly let him take care of me as he pulled my blanket over me, tucking me in. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips, so sweetly. I flung my arms around his neck and kissed him back.
“Stay with me, Adam,” I begged. “Just hold me, nothing more. Please.” I had torn down the wall that I had built between us, and now I couldn’t stand the thought of being apart from him.
“All right,” he said on a breath. He slipped off his shoes and shirt and crawled under the blanket, pulling me tight against him. With the heat from his skin and the steady beat of his heart drumming against my cheek, it wasn’t long before I fell asleep.
~
I woke in the morning, alone, thirsty, with my heart pounding in my head. I groaned at the thought of the amount of tequila I had consumed last night. I remembered being in Adam’s arms and wondered if it was just a dream. I rolled onto my side where I remembered him lying when I was last conscious. In his place, a note sat on my pillow.
Kendi,
I could have held you in my arms forever, but I was afraid of how you might feel when you woke up and the alcohol had worn off. I hope that you are not full of regret. Whatever you are feeling now, thank you for letting me be with you last night. I have missed you so much. I love you, Kendi, more than you know.
Call me when you wake up.
Always,
Adam
How was I feeling? I didn’t feel regret but a longing for Adam. I still loved him, and I feared how that love would grow over the next few months with my guard down. I feared how lost I would feel again without him when he left. Weak. I had fought so hard for the small amount of strength that I had built up over the past few months, and, now in one night, I felt depleted. At the same time, I felt free of the tension that had been nearly suffocating me lately. I stretched my stiff muscles and slowly sat up in bed. The room swayed around me as I struggled to ward off the waves of nausea slamming into me. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and made my way downstairs for a glass of water and aspirin.
Loud snoring drifted up the stairs as I made my descent. Sprawled out on the family room floor and couch were Chase, Travis and Dale. Blankets, pillows and clothing were strewn all over. I cringed at the memory of Chase from last night. I gulped down a glass of cold water, swallowing three aspirin and crawling back into bed. My clock read 8:20. I picked up the phone and called Adam. At the sound of his voice, a warmth spread through my body, a smile exploding across my face.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Not great, but it was worth it.”
“Whatever you say.”
Silence.
“Thank you for bringing me home last night and staying with me. I wish that you were here with me right now.” I heard a loud sigh on the other end.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“I’m so relieved to hear you s
ay that. I thought for sure that you were going to tell me that last night was a mistake.”
“Adam, I love you, that hasn’t changed. And I want to spend the summer with you before we both leave, but, please, I am begging you, please, don’t break my heart again. I need you to be honest with me always, and even then it will be hard to trust you. I don’t want any regrets. I just want to enjoy these last few months.”
“Kendi, I promise I will never make the same mistakes again. I know that I need to earn back your trust. I miss...us. I will do anything to make this right.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yeah.”
“Then get over here, now!”
“Well, almost anything. You have a few houseguests that it would be better if I didn’t run into. I can’t stand the thought of anyone else wanting you, Kendi. And I know what he wants!”
“Adam! You have nothing to worry about. But I understand.”
“I’ll call you later, Kendi. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
After talking to Adam, I drifted back into unconsciousness. Hours later, I awoke to Tracy and Liz pouncing on my bed. They demanded to know what had happened with Adam. I told them everything, and then I told them what had happened with Chase.
“So you and Adam are back together?” Liz asked.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I answered, sounding unsure.
“Even though he is leaving in September?” she reiterated.
“Because he is leaving,” I said matter-of-factly.
“Just be careful,” Liz warned. She knew about what had happened with Katie. It was hard to keep anything quiet in this town.
“So back to Chase,” Tracy chimed in. “He really got mad at you last night?”
“Yeah, is he still here?” I asked, dreading the inevitable conversation that Chase and I were going to have.
“Yep, the guys are still crashed out downstairs,” Tracy answered.
“Well, we better go wake them up. My mom and Scott are going to be home soon.” We cranked the music up in the family room for their wake-up call. It was not received well. After the moaning and groaning subsided, Chase pulled me down on the floor next to him.
“Hey,” he said with a shameful look in his eyes.
“Hey yourself,” I replied back. In the same moment, we both blurted out, “I’m sorry,” followed by our light laughter and sighs of relief.
“Chase, I don’t want things to be awkward between us, and I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea last night. We were just having fun, but I never meant for it to amount to anything physically. Things are complicated for me right now.”
“I know. I saw you leave with Adam. I’m sorry for pushing you last night. I just wanted you to see how much fun we are together, and how great you and I could be, if you would just let down your guard. But I understand now why you have your guard up. It’s because of him, isn’t it?” I rolled onto my back beside him and gazed up at the ceiling, relieved at how easy it was to talk to him, even after what had unfolded.
“Yeah, it’s because of him, Chase. I love him.”
“I care about you, and I just want you to be happy, even if it is with him.” He nudged my side with his elbow.
“You’re a good guy, Chase,” I said as I rolled back onto my stomach, propped up on my elbows so that I could see his face. “Thank you for being so understanding.” If Adam didn’t own my heart, I would be lucky to be with Chase. He was caring and considerate, which says a lot for someone who looks the way he does. He was gorgeous. Even looking completely disheveled first thing in the morning, he still took my breath away. I roughed up his hair with my hand. “Now go brush your teeth. I can’t stand your morning breath any longer,” I teased. He pulled me into a friendly headlock, and, bringing his face close to mine, he began to pant in my face. His breath smelled like tequila and cigarettes. “Gross, Chase. Cut it out.” I tried to push him away from me.
He let go, laughing hysterically. “Fine, you win,” he said before standing up and pulling me to my feet by the hand.
I sent everyone on their way and cleaned up the house before my mother returned from Seattle. As I loaded the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher and wiped down the kitchen counters, I couldn’t stop smiling. My heart was filled with what can only be described as pure joy. I was so grateful for great friends, even Chase. And opening my heart to Adam again filled me with an indescribable feeling of completeness. I tried not to think about September. I was excited to start school in Seattle, to finally be away from this small town. I just wasn’t sure how I was going to say good-bye to Adam. We had the summer, and that would have to be enough for now.
Falling
Graduation day brought mixed emotions, and I tried to focus on the celebration. My thoughts drifted to the people who should have shared this day with me. Their absence was hard to ignore. My dad was missing another big milestone in my life. I had stopped expecting him to show up since my third-grade dance recital, but I couldn’t help but be hopeful that one day he would surprise me. And Morgan should have been standing here with me, smiling in her cap and gown. Her chair on the stage was left empty and in her place laid a blue graduation cap and a single pink rose.
I could see my family seated a few rows from the front with Adam sitting among them. My gramps and grams were smiling proudly from their seats, reminding me of the envelope that my grandfather had presented me with the night before. He had given me a check for a surprising amount, and, on the memo he had written For my Kendi, for med school.
The check would hardly put a dent in the heavy build-up of expenses that a lifetime of school would amount to, but I knew that it was a considerable amount for him with his modest income. I was moved beyond words at his generosity and the sheer fact that he believed in me. My family was so important to me; I wanted to achieve big things. I wanted to make them proud. I could hear their loud cheers when my name was called, and I walked up to receive my diploma.
Once each of my classmates had received their diplomas, I picked up the rose on Mo’s seat and walked down the stairs to where her parents were seated in the front row. I handed them the rose, hugging them fiercely before returning to my seat as I heard the auditorium explode in applause. Mr. Stuart, our superintendent, announced the graduating class of 1995. I threw my cap into the air with the rest of my classmates as we cheered for the success of our past and the possibilities of our future.
Adam finished his last semester of school and moved back home. We both started our summer jobs. I was working at the restaurant again, and Adam was working for his parents. I had much better hours this year and spent every spare minute with him. On my days off, I usually met Adam in the fields, and he taught me how to drive a tractor or a combine. I could tell how much he enjoyed the solitude of farming. Driving a tractor seemed like a tedious job to me, but Adam had a huge grin on his face, happy to be sharing such a big part of his life with me.
I also started attending church with him on Sunday mornings. My family was religious. My grandparents could be found every Sunday morning sitting in the pews of our church, where they had been parishioners for years. My mother, sister, brother and I attended only for Christmas and Easter and a few other days of the year. I had a strong faith in God but never felt the need to put it on display by sitting in church every week. Church was a big part of Adam’s life and he wanted me to share that with him as well. I had never felt closer to Adam, and, yet at the same time, I felt our differences erupting like a volcano, separating us with insurmountable terrain and smoldering lava.
~
We spent many evenings lying in the dark gazing at the stars and talking about our future. Tonight was no exception. We were sprawled out on a blanket in the middle of the high school football field. Everything was so quiet and still. I wondered if I would miss these quiet moments when I was living in the city surrounded by hundreds of college students.
“What are you thinking about?” Adam asked, pulling me from my thoug
hts.
“Just wondering if I’ll miss the little things about living here. As much as I can’t wait to be in a new city living among swarms of new people, this is all I’ve ever known.”
“I hope that you’ll miss me,” he admitted.
“Of course I will. You’re not one of the ‘little things’ in my life that I was referring to. You’re a huge part of my life.” He rolled onto his stomach and looked into my eyes intently.
“Kendi, I want to always be a big part of your life. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I need to know what you see happening over the next few years, honestly.”
“Adam, I can’t tell you that. Everything is changing in my life and in yours. There’s too much uncertainty that comes with change.”
“I don’t want a vague answer, Kendi. I want to know what you want to happen.”
“I know that I want to be with you. I don’t want you to go to Africa. At the same time, I want to go to college, and I want to go to med school. Beyond that, I don’t know. I want a lot of things, Adam, but that doesn’t change the course that we’re on.”
“I want to be with you too. I want to marry you, Kendi. I can see us living our life together, having kids. I want that. I don’t want to leave you either, but I want to go to Africa. I feel like this mission is calling to me. I can’t explain it, but I know that I need to do this. Will you wait for me?”
I didn’t know what to say. Two years was a long time when you were eighteen years old. That was two Christmases, two New Year’s, two birthdays...so much can change in that amount of time. I wanted to promise him that I could do it, but deep down inside I knew that he was asking for too much. College was supposed to be fun. College was parties, new friends, new boys, new experiences. College was where you made mistakes and you learned from them.
I tried to imagine that he was going to be at Gonzaga for the next two years rather than oceans away without any modern means of communication. How would I answer his question then? If I could see him on weekends and holidays and know that we could spend the summers together, would I be more certain of our future? In that scenario, I felt like I would have more of him to hold on to, that our relationship would be worth fighting for. I chose my words carefully.
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