Waiting for Patrick

by Brynn Stein

  Elliot had to smile. He laid his hand gently on the keyboard, as though he could cover Ben’s hand with his own. “For now. I still think you’re being silly, but it’s your choice to make. I only want you to be happy.”

  You make me happy.

  “I’m glad.” Elliot patted the keys and stood up. “Hey, I got you something else. Come over here.” He grabbed the laptop and walked over to the living-room window. The one that opened to the large yard, where Elliot had always thought a tree should be. Malcolm had confirmed that there was once one there but it had to be dug up when a storm partially uprooted the old, dead husk. There, through the window, Elliot saw Ben’s second gift, right where he’d put it. There sat a sapling with its burlap-covered ball of roots. “I have someone coming in the morning to plant it. I was going to do it myself, but Sheri said she’d skin me alive long before I could have a heart attack if I even picked up a shovel.”

  She would have had help.

  Ben typed on the laptop he’d taken from Elliot, which was now hovering near the window.

  Y is the tree for me?

  “It’s from the same root system as yours and Patrick’s tree.” Elliot smiled broadly. “I had to talk to a couple of relatives before they even knew what tree house I meant, let alone find someone to actually take me there. The whole area is overgrown.” Elliot gestured toward the book on the coffee table. “I took the pictures of your fort and your heart. I wish I could have found pictures of it in better condition, but no one had any.” He laid his fingertips lightly on the laptop, trying to physically connect with Ben somehow. “But then I got to thinking. If I couldn’t bring you the fort, or at least good pictures of it, maybe I could bring you part of the tree.” Elliot motioned out front. “So there’s one of its babies.” He turned abruptly back to Ben and smiled widely. “And don’t worry, before you yell, your great-great-great-whatever-nephew dug it up for me and put it on the truck I rented.”

  :-D

  Elliot laughed and laid his hand solidly on the back of the laptop. “I’m glad you like it.”

  ELLIOT IS lying on the bed, playing with Ben’s hair. He loves the feel of it on his fingers, and he tries not to dwell on the fact that this is only a dream. Ben and he can’t have this in the real world, and that more than makes Elliot sad. But he refuses to let it ruin their time in his dreams.

  “You know, I still don’t know how this dream stuff works,” Elliot tells Ben as he smooths down the hair he just ruffled. “I mean, how can I know it’s a dream, but it feels so real anyway? Why don’t I have normal dreams anymore? Or do I and I just don’t remember? Do you have control of the dreams or just what you do in them? And how did you give me your memories in the beginning?” Elliot lets his fingers trail down the side of Ben’s face.

  Ben smiles and turns into the touch. “I don’t know how it works any more than you do. I just wanted to remind… remember… tell you my memories, and it happened.”

  Elliot has to chuckle. He would struggle with which word to use too. How do you describe giving your memories to someone else?

  “Why did you even want to?” Elliot asks him. He has wondered about it for a while now. “Did you do that for everyone who lived here? Or just the gorgeous men, like me?”

  Ben laughs and playfully nips at Elliot’s fingers where they still rest beside Ben’s head. “No one else. Not even the gorgeous ones. Just you.”

  “Why?” Elliot flicks his nose in protest to the nip but seriously wants to know.

  “You’re special.” Ben kisses the fingers he’d halfheartedly tried to bite.

  As much as Elliot loves hearing that he’s special to Ben, he just can’t make sense out of it. Ben hadn’t even known him when he gave him the memories. How could he have been special to him back then? “Why?”

  “You just are.” Ben leans across Elliot, gently pushing him onto his back, and starts nuzzling his neck.

  Elliot decides the question might not be as important as he first thought, because right now he wants more of Ben’s attention. This kind of attention. “Because I’m gorgeous?” he suggests softly, then kisses Ben’s hair.

  “Mm-hmm.” Ben rains kisses across Elliot’s collarbone, on his shoulder, down his arm.

  “Because I’m brilliant?” Elliot manages before giving in to the need to groan his pleasure.

  “Mm-hmm,” Ben agrees again as he takes Elliot’s thumb into his mouth and sucks. Elliot doesn’t know why that feels so fantastic, but it’s like there’s a direct connection to his groin. Other parts of his body stand up and wish desperately that they were that thumb.

  “Because I’m sexy as hell?” Elliot tries to keep up the game, spouting off all the reasons why he’s so special, but it’s becoming hard to think. Elliot squirms on the bed, giving a little thrust of his hips, trying to redirect Ben’s attention to needier areas.

  Ben looks up at Elliot through those gorgeous, thick eyelashes, and Elliot almost forgets his name, let alone the question Ben is answering. “You are definitely that,” he says around Elliot’s thumb before he gives it one more hard suck, then a nip, then he abandons it altogether.

  Ben licks and kisses Elliot’s stomach and dips his tongue into his navel. Just when Elliot thinks Ben’s going to take the hint about where Elliot wants his attention, Ben trails his kisses back upward, licking and sucking Elliot’s nipples before planting a kiss on his lips.

  “You know, you’re the only one I bottom for. Only one I would ever bottom for.” Elliot doesn’t know why it’s important to say that, and he has no idea why what’s left of his higher brain functions thinks now is a good time to say it.

  Ben pulls away enough to see Elliot and gets a shy smile on his face. “I’ve always known that, and have always been honored by it.”

  Elliot reaches up and brushes Ben’s hair from his face. “I have never done relationships before. Never wanted to. Why does it feel so right with you?”

  His smile turns a little sad and Elliot cannot figure out why, but then Ben kisses Elliot’s nose and moves back down his body. This time he heads straight to where Elliot wants him, and it isn’t long before the rest of his higher brain functions drain out of him with his satisfied moans.

  Chapter 9

  ELLIOT FOUND that, for the moment at least, he had no desire to take more side trips. He knew that wouldn’t last once all the projects on the house were done. But right now he wanted nothing more than to spend his days, and glorious, sexy nights, with Ben. He still kept up with Sheri and Malcolm, and even Daniel, via text and phone calls. Sheri and Malcolm came by to visit one evening, and Elliot had been to Sheri’s a couple of times, but other than that, Elliot just spent time with Ben. He wasn’t avoiding Daniel, per se, but he hadn’t accepted any of his invitations to go out since that night.

  Daniel took exactly two weeks of that. Then one morning, after Daniel texted Elliot six different times to go to lunch with him and Elliot shot him down each time, Elliot found Daniel at his front door.

  “I thought you weren’t going to insist that I come out with you anymore.” It was the first thing that Elliot could think of to say as he stepped to one side to let Daniel in.

  “Yeah, well, I changed my mind.” Daniel stepped inside but immediately turned to face Elliot, taking the door from him and guiding it closed. “It’s been two weeks since anyone has seen you outside this house, and it’s time that changed.”

  “That’s not true,” Elliot countered, crossing his arms. “I’ve been to Sheri’s, and I’ve gone into town to get supplies for the house.”

  “Okay, then.” Daniel put his hands on his hips, and Elliot thought he might start tapping his foot to emphasize his next words. “I haven’t seen you for weeks. I thought you said we could still be friends.”

  “We can.” Elliot stepped forward to move away from the door, but Daniel didn’t follow, so he stopped again. “We are.”

  “So come out to lunch.” Daniel did finally start tapping his foot. “I have rope and duct tape in th
e car if I need to drag you out.”

  Elliot chuckled and waved him toward the kitchen. If they were going to argue, they could at least do it sitting down. “I don’t think we really need to go that far. But I told you, Daniel, I—”

  “I know.” Daniel stood fast where he was, evidently not the least bit interested in moving from the spot. “I heard. Mr. I Don’t Do Relationships is in a monogamous one with a dead soldier from the Civil War. I get it.” His stance relaxed and Daniel softened his tone. “I’m not asking for sex. I’m not asking for you to cheat on him or break his trust or anything.” Daniel reached out as though he was planning on grasping Elliot’s shoulder or touching his hand, but he looked around the foyer and seemed to think better of it. He dropped his hand awkwardly to his side. “I just want you to come out and eat, show the world you still exist.” He looked at the ceiling in that seemingly universal way of talking to a ghost. “I’ll bring him right back. I promise.”

  “I think you’re being melodramatic. The world knows I exist. Or at least the part of the world that gives a shit.” He gestured toward the kitchen again, and this time Daniel followed his prompt. When Elliot got to the table where the laptop was set up, he asked, “What do you think, Ben? Okay if I go out to lunch with Daniel?”

  Daniel looked confused and didn’t know how Elliot thought Ben was going to answer, but he apparently decided to play along. “Just for lunch, Ben. I promise. I’ll have him home in a couple of hours.” Daniel looked back toward Elliot, seemingly wondering if that’s what Elliot had wanted.

  After a long wait, the keys on the laptop clacked briefly ok.

  “Whoa!” Daniel stared at the laptop with wide eyes. “That’s cool.”

  “Okay,” Elliot put in, “if Ben doesn’t mind. Let me go change my shirt. There’s paint all over this one.” Elliot still didn’t especially want to leave the house, but it would get Daniel off his back and Ben had said he’d be all right with it. “I’ll be right back.”

  On the way back to the kitchen, Elliot heard the tail end of a one-sided conversation.

  “Ben, I know you probably love Elliot too, maybe even as much as he loves you, but this isn’t healthy for him, man. You’ve got to let him go. He’s hanging out here so you won’t be lonely, but he’s losing himself. Wouldn’t you be happier if you just crossed over? If you would do that, man, he could go on living his life. This isn’t fair to him.”

  Elliot could hear the laptop keys clicking furiously, but of course couldn’t see what Ben was saying.

  “I’m just saying think about it, Ben” was all that Daniel said in response.

  Elliot didn’t like Daniel talking to Ben like that. Yes, Elliot wanted Ben to cross over too. But he wanted him to do it for himself or the loved ones he’d see there, not because he thought not doing so was somehow hurting Elliot. He wanted to see what Ben was typing, wanted to confront Daniel about this, so he reentered the room. As he neared the laptop, however, the text was selected with the telltale bluish-gray highlight and then disappeared. Elliot vowed to ask Daniel what Ben had said.

  Have fun at lunch, Ben typed as Elliot got closer.

  “You’re sure you’re okay with this?” Elliot put his hand on the laptop but looked around the room.

  :-) appeared on the screen, which Elliot interpreted as “Not really, and I won’t lie to you, but I feel I need to let you do this.”

  Either way, Elliot had told Daniel he would go out, and Elliot would have to have enough willpower to keep things at just a platonic lunch. “Okay.” He tapped the top edge of the laptop screen. “I won’t be long.”

  I’ll be here.

  Elliot didn’t know if Ben meant that in his usual self-effacing way—like “where else would I go”—or if it was his way of telling Daniel that Ben had no intention of crossing over anytime soon and Daniel could just stuff it.

  That was another thing he could find out later, maybe. But for now he was going to go get lunch.

  As lunch sped by, Elliot had to admit that he might have been avoiding Daniel a little. He had been worried it would be strained between them or that he wouldn’t be able to say no to sex if Daniel pressed the issue. But he needn’t have worried. The conversation was as easy between them as it ever had been, and Daniel never once even hinted at anything more than lunch.

  Elliot decided he could do this. He could spend time with Daniel as a friend—without benefits. He enjoyed his lunch out, and before he knew it, Daniel was returning him to the house. He had forgotten to ask him what Ben had said to him, and he’d missed his chance now. He knew it was no use asking Ben.

  ELLIOT WOKE up the next morning absolutely unable to breathe, with his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. He reached for his medicine on his bedside table and fumbled for the nitroglycerin. Once he found it, he opened the bottle and put a pill under his tongue. While he was waiting for his heart to decide that staying on the inside might be a better idea after all, the laptop opened and the keys started to type.

  U scare me when you do that.

  “It doesn’t instill me with a lot of confidence either,” Elliot huffed out once he got his breathing under control, still gripping his sweat-covered chest.

  When’s your next doctor’s appointment?

  “Next week,” Elliot panted out, one hand in a fist at his chest and the other gripping the sheets so hard he thought he was going to put holes in them.

  U gonna tell him this has been happening a lot?

  “Hasn’t been a lot.” Elliot slowly uncurled his fisted hands, willing his heart to stay where it belonged, even if he wasn’t holding it there anymore. “Just a couple of times.”

  A couple times a week, maybe.

  “I’ll tell him,” Elliot finally agreed, pressing both hands into the mattress as the next step of getting his heart to behave without his physical intervention. “I usually do.” If he was honest, he was worried too. He had read up on congestive heart failure. He had probably had it for a lot longer than he showed symptoms. By the time he started feeling fatigued and having trouble breathing, he was already in Stage C. His heart attack and the fact that there was already damage to the heart signaled a pretty advanced case. The fact that he was still having symptoms this bad even on the shitload of meds couldn’t mean anything good. It seemed like only a matter of time before more drastic measures would be needed. That’s what Elliot gathered from all his research pieced together with what the doctor had told him. “I’ll tell him, Ben. I’m not going to blow this off. That’s how I missed the early symptoms in the first place.”

  Don’t feel guilty. But I’m glad ur gonna tell him.

  Elliot grinned and got ready for his day. The last of the contractors was due to finish later that afternoon. Elliot was going to go over everything one more time, making sure he didn’t need anything from that particular carpenter, and he’d be on his way. All that was left was to paint the room that guy had been working in and Elliot would be finished with the house.

  All his little side trips of late had yielded three houses he really liked. He bought two outright and had already started hiring contractors to repair them, but he wanted to talk to Ben about the third one before he bought it.

  “Hey, Ben.” He put the laptop on the counter. “I wanted to ask you something.”

  ok.

  “When I was in Pennsylvania, I found this beautiful little house. Rustic, well-loved, but neglected.” Elliot got eggs out of the refrigerator and set them on the counter. Eggs were on his “not too many of them” list, and he hadn’t allowed himself to have fried eggs since he got out of the hospital, even though the doctor had said he could from time to time. He was splurging today.

  U don’t need my permission to buy a house.

  “I think I do with this one.” Elliot pulled out the drawer of the stove and rummaged around for a skillet. “It faces a wooded area where there’s a beautiful old oak tree with a rundown fort high in the fork, and—”

  U want to buy my old house?
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  Elliot plopped the skillet on the stove and turned on the burner. “I know you won’t be able to see it, Ben, or go there.” He cracked an egg one-handed and threw the shell in the nearby trash can. “But I’d love to restore the house, and even the fort you and Patrick made.” Another egg followed its mate. “For you, Ben.” Elliot waited for an answer, but when none came right away, he added, “But if you don’t want me to….” He put two slices of bread in the toaster.

  I <3 U.

  Elliot chuckled and rooted in the drawer beside the refrigerator for a spatula. “Not exactly a direct answer to the question, but I’m going to take it as a yes.”

  I hadn’t thought about the old house. What shape it might be in. Who might be living there, or the fact that no one might be living in it anymore. I really love that u were drawn to it. That means a lot. And I think I would like it if u owned it and had someone fix it up.

  Elliot kept checking the laptop as he flipped the sizzling eggs. “I’d like to do some of the work myself, Ben. Like I did here. The house itself isn’t really livable right now, but—” He stopped when the keys started clicking loudly.

  YOU’RE LEAVING?

  “At least for a little while.” Elliot slid the eggs onto his waiting plate and grabbed the toast. “This is what I do, Ben. I fix up houses, then move on. You know that.”

  I was hoping this time might be different. I thought U felt connected to this house…to me.

  “I am connected,” Elliot admitted as he sat his plate on the table, then grabbed the laptop from the counter. “And this time was different.” He gently placed the laptop on the table and plopped into his chair. “I fell in love, Ben. I don’t do that. I simply don’t. So I don’t plan to stay away, to go away and never come back like I usually would.” He caressed the laptop and he didn’t feel the least bit silly doing it. “I don’t plan on selling this house either. This will be my base of operations. I’ll come back here when I’m not working on your house.”