Smile, Alice

by Ellie R. Hunter

  “She’s like no one else I’ve ever met, Riv. She’s getting to me and I don’t have a clue what to do.”

  He slaps me on the back and instead of taking the alcohol away from me, he pours us another drink from another bottle and pushes the glass towards me. I look up and he’s holding his up.

  “I never thought I’d see this day, Damon Coleman being brought to his knees,” he chuckles, “Let’s have drink, and tomorrow we’ll set things right for you.”

  So that’s what I do, I drink, I keep to myself and I try to figure out how I’m going to set things right with Alice.

  Chapter Nine

  Freezing is an understatement and it’s the only thing keeping me awake as I stroll through the streets with Joel tucked nicely under a thick blanket in his wheelchair. Harry hangs behind and tries to stay out of sight.

  “How would you feel if I went to a recording studio with the guys today, without you?”

  “Will Maggie be going?” I ask.

  “Yeah.”

  “Then I hope you have fun,” I sigh.

  “What’s the matter with you this morning?”

  “I’m tired, I didn’t get much sleep last night,” I say, truthfully.

  That amazing kiss replayed on a loop for hours and then hurting him hurt too much to keep my eyes closed. The way he looked at me like I had slapped him will be fresh in my mind always.

  If we had sex last night, it would be awkward today and Joel would notice. Sex for me is more than spending a night with a man and going our separate ways the next day. I need a connection and while I felt a connection with Damon last night, it’s totally bad timing.

  I have too much going on without adding more confusion over a man to the list. Not just any man, a fucking rock star.

  There is three weeks left on the tour and then we’ll be going home. Three weeks to get through and keep my distance from Damon.

  I start walking us back in the direction of the hotel, and every step I take feels like I’m pushing through water.

  “Are we going back already?” Joel asks, disappointedly.

  “It’s too cold out here for you, and you need your breakfast and medicine,” I remind him.

  “What will you do today while I’m gone?”

  I know exactly what I’m going to do, something I’ve been waiting a long time to enjoy.

  “I’m going to have a long hot bath and sleep all day.”

  And it sounds like heaven. These late nights and early mornings are getting to me and they’re catching up hard.

  Back at the hotel, Damon is half sitting and half lying on the sofa with the curtains closed. It’s dark in here but he still wears his sunglasses, and if I’m not mistaken, he’s still wearing the same clothes he left in last night.

  He holds his finger to his mouth, and says, “Keep your voice down when you talk, did she say yes?”

  Joel opts to nod his head instead of speaking.

  “Cool, we’ll go when the painkillers kick in.”

  Did he go out and get drunk after walking out last night? He ignores me, but I feel his eyes following me as I take my coat off.

  “You don’t have to take me today if you want to go back to bed,” Joel offers.

  “I’m good, I do my best stuff when I’m recovering from alcohol poisoning,” Damon smirks.

  There’s a knock at the door, it opens before I can see who it is and Baz, Freddie and River walk in ready to leave.

  Baz heads for Damon and bends over in front of him. He clicks his fingers in his face and Damon swats him away.

  “How much did you drink last night?” he laughs and Damon grunts.

  “Too much.”

  “The blonde wouldn’t have got much use out of you; did you embarrass yourself again.”

  “Fuck off.”

  Blonde?

  Sounds about right.

  I’m glad I stopped it from going further, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t hurt. Any hole is a home and Damon Coleman is no exception when it comes to women.

  Maggie walks in with a bag containing Joel’s meds for the day and I’ve never been so happy to see her. I don’t have to pretend I’m not listening to their conversation any longer.

  “I won’t take my eyes off him, I promise,” she says, before I can say a word.

  “Thank you.” I manage a smile for her.

  “Try to get some sleep while we’re gone,” she says, “You’re looking very tired.”

  Nodding, I go over to Joel.

  “See you later, have a great time.”

  “He will, don’t worry, he’s in good hands,” River urges, and I escape to my room.

  I slide down the door and sob into my hands, desperately not wanting them to hear.

  How I thought sex would make life awkward is stupid, one kiss has messed everything up and I’m the one left crying, as usual.

  That was the best sleep I’ve had in a very long time, once I got Damon safely out of my mind. Who he goes to bed with is none of my business. I soaked in the huge bath tub for nearly two hours leaving my fingers wrinkled and my body smelling like vanilla. Now I’m waiting for Joel to return.

  I’ve tried calling him and all I get is his voicemail. I should’ve warned him not to drain his battery making his videos. If he wasn’t okay, someone would’ve called me or come for me. I keep that in mind and occupy myself by scrolling through his Facebook page. His followers grow by the day and they all have a lot of love for him. Joel hasn’t always been outgoing and confident. It wasn’t until he got sick he came out of his shell. At first, I thought it was a mask to hide behind, now I think it was always how he was going to be, and how he wants to be remembered.

  The door opens, and Harry enters alone. I shoot up and wonder where everyone else is. More specifically, where Joel is.

  “I’ve been sent to pick you up; the band and Joel are eating out tonight.”

  The car ride is quiet, and I take in the busy streets until we stop outside a pizza restaurant. What is it with Pizza and the guys? I swear, they don’t eat much else.

  Harry opens my door and leads me through the restaurant. I don’t see them, and find, that’s because they’re in a private room in the back.

  “Hey, look who finally decided to join us,” Baz cheers.

  I smile and make my way round the table to the chair River is pulling out between him and Joel.

  “I ordered you a cheese and pepper, so you don’t have to wait,” Joel tells me.

  I hear him but the only thing I see is Damon isn’t here. I want to ask where he is, but I don’t, I keep my mouth firmly shut.

  “Thanks, how was your day?”

  I get my answer when he turns to me and I see his face. I thought I saw pure happiness in him when Damon showed up to bring him on this tour, but tonight, he’s glowing in a whirlwind of ecstasy.

  “Amazing.” Is all he manages to say.

  Perhaps there isn’t a need to express his day with words. I can see it for myself just looking at him, exactly how the guys are when they are performing on stage.

  “Today is the second-best day of my life,” he boasts, and the guys look wounded.

  “What can beat spending a day with us, learning how the magic’s done?” Baz asks.

  “The day Alice became my legal guardian,” he grins, bringing a tear to my eye.

  I blink away the water before anyone can see it fall and Baz shrugs.

  “Fair enough, we can live with that.”

  “You should tell her about Damo vomiting in the trash can, three times,” Freddie laughs, and I frown.

  “Yeah, he had a major hangover. I thought I was the one who puked a lot. He beat me today,” Joel proudly tells me.

  “Is that right?”

  “I thought we were going to have to cancel, but he kept going, he’s like a machine.”

  Our food is brought in and thankfully, the topic of vomit comes to an end.

  “Perhaps when we go back to the hotel, I can watch your recordings,” I s
ay, noticing he’s picking at his food.

  “Or we can order you something other than pizza?”

  “I’m fine, ask Maggie, I’ve eaten quite a lot today.”

  Maggie nods her head in agreement and I’m satisfied he isn’t trying to pull the wool over my eyes to get out of eating tonight.

  When you spend so much time watching, it’s hard to join the conversation. I’m content to keep watching. I’m going to treasure every smile and laugh Joel throws around as he jokes and talks with the guys. Gone are the days where he was unsure around adults and quiet, only speaking when spoken to, being on this tour, he’s growing into a confident young man. He isn’t being treated like a kid or the sick boy who is being tiptoed around, he’s a part of the conversation and being treated as an equal. He is thriving around these people. After everyone who’s let him down in his life, these men aren’t.

  I find myself laughing at every one of his jokes and forgetting to eat because I’m so invested in listening to his input. My food is cold by the time everyone has finished and starts getting ready to leave. I don’t care. Tonight, has been the first night in a very long time where it hasn’t been all about Joel’s illness, the only thing missing was Damon, the man who made all this possible.

  Freddie and Baz stay in the car and Joel, River, Maggie and I get out and head up to our suites. Damon is still nowhere to be seen and disappointment courses through me.

  Maggie stays close to Joel and walks him into his room to help him get ready for bed, and River lingers in his doorway.

  “Mags?” he coos.

  “Yes, River?” I hear her lightly answer.

  “Would you mind staying with Joel, so I can kidnap Alice for a drink in the bar?”

  I find myself hoping she doesn’t mind, I could really do with a drink tonight.

  “Don’t be too long, unlike you, I’m not a rock star and I need sleep.”

  “We won’t be long,” I call through, promising her myself.

  “Have fun, Alice,” Joel calls out and River opens the door for me.

  “Thank you.”

  He offers me his arm and I loop mine through his and it’s nice. Everything is comfortable with him.

  “Where do you go when Damon’s with Joel and Baz and Freddie go out?”

  “I’m a man of mystery,” he laughs, not answering my question.

  Harry and another guy magically appear out of nowhere when we sit at the bar and they keep a safe distance.

  “What can I get you?” the bartender asks.

  “Tequila.”

  “Large red wine.”

  We both say at the same time.

  “Fine, make me drink the hard stuff on my own,” he pouts.

  I laugh, being around him is easy, simple, calming.

  “He didn’t hook up with anyone last night. Some chick tried it on, but he wasn’t interested and ignored her.”

  And now the smile is gone from my face.

  “It’s none of my business.”

  “He got wasted and Harry and I had to carry him up to his room. Alone.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  Our drinks arrive, and he waits for the bartender to walk off.

  “Because I saw your face this morning.”

  “I was tired this morning, what you saw was sleep deprivation.”

  “I know what I saw, you look at him differently now to when you first got here, and he’s changed as well.”

  He has? This conversation now has my full attention.

  “There wasn’t a night he would stay in when he could be out with Baz and Fred, but you came along, and he hasn’t set foot in a club apart from last night.”

  “It’s for Joel, it’s not like he can go with them.”

  “How he is with Joel is who Damon is, he has a heart of gold that he rarely lets anyone see. Everything he is doing for your brother doesn’t surprise me, how he is around you does.”

  “How is he around me?” I ask hesitantly.

  “If you opened your eyes, you’d see for yourself.”

  I finish my wine in three large gulps and I lift my glass to show it’s empty. I need another.

  “Why are you doing this?”

  My glass is filled, and I take another large gulp.

  “I enjoyed seeing him not having you fall into his lap when I thought he was being his dick self. But when I saw the state of him last night when he thought he’d ruined everything over a kiss, I knew I had to step in. We can all see you’re stubborn and don’t let anyone get close and we know our Damo has never been like this over a woman before. You should think about what you say before you speak, you hurt him bad last night. If there’s one thing about our Damo that will get you to soften up, it’s that he will do anything for your brother.”

  I don’t need to be told it, I knew I had hurt him as soon as the words left my mouth.

  “I don’t know what to do, I’m going to lose my brother soon, I don’t have it in me to start something with someone like Damon. He’s…well you know who he is, I live in a different country, I have nothing to offer him back and I have no idea what the future looks like for me.”

  All the reasons tumble from my lips, they flow easily because they are all the truth.

  “It sounds like you’re overthinking it.”

  I snort, “I’ve been known to do that occasionally.”

  More than occasionally, everything I do has to be precise and thought out. Overthinking everything is my way of making sure I don’t fail, because failing means catastrophic results for Joel and me.

  “Here, I have something to show you,” River says, passing me his phone.

  He leans over, presses play, and Joel comes up and he’s sat by a set of drums.

  “Let’s see what you’ve got then,” Freddie booms on the video.

  Joel starts playing and the band cheer around him, I guess that means he’s doing well, but it’s short lived. He runs out of energy and I watch on as Damon rushes over to help him back onto a couch in the studio.

  “He wasn’t too bad. Between you and Damon, you’re both giving him a reason to fight for another day with you. Get to know the man who makes your brother this happy. I’d say, if he’s pure enough for Joel, he’s worth more than you think he is.”

  I hear what he is saying, it’s the same what my heart has been trying to tell me.

  “Can you send me this, please?” I ask, going back to the clip of Joel.

  “Sure, I can.”

  His phone starts ringing, and he takes it back before I have the chance to hand it over. He sees who’s calling and I don’t miss the small twitch he fights from falling into a smile.

  “I’ve got to go; will you be okay getting back to the suite?”

  “After two glasses of wine,” I snort, “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  “Remember what I said, yeah?” he says, slipping off the bar stool.

  “Yeah.”

  He throws down his cash on the bar and the bartender sweeps it up as River walks off.

  “Can I get you another?” he asks, picking up my empty glass.

  “Actually, I’ll take a bottle.”

  “Coming up.”

  At least this way, I can still have a drink up in my room without having to sit on my own here in the bar. Harry left with River and the other security guy follows me to the elevators once I’ve paid for my wine. He doesn’t follow me up to the suite and I’m grateful for a few minutes to myself.

  The doors in the lift open and the first thing I see is Maggie leaving our suite. She said she’d wait, and I haven’t been gone that long she would’ve given up hope of my return.

  She spots me and offers a tired smile.

  “Is he okay?” I ask.

  Maybe she was coming to find me?

  “He’s asleep, Damon is back so I’m going for a quick walk and then I’ll be going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning, unless I’m needed in the night. I have my alarm and so does Joel.”

  “Thank you
, and goodnight.”

  Inhaling deeply, I open our door and find Damon sitting on the coffee table with his back to me. A soft, deep humming fills the room and stops when I close the door.

  “Joel’s fine, he’s sleeping,” he tells me, still not turning to face me.

  “I know, Maggie just told me.”

  I walk through the tension hanging heavily around us and sit on the arm of the chair, clutching the bottle of wine like a life line.

  “Joel told me about his day, he loved it.”

  I don’t know what else to say, he isn’t saying anything, and the silence is too much to bear.

  “How was your drink with River?” he asks, instead of talking about Joel.

  It’s hard to miss the note of jealousy in his tone and I frown.

  “Enlightening.”

  ‘Open your eyes.’

  I do as River advised, and for once, I know what I have to do, and I say, “About last night, I’m sorry I was harsh with you. I have enough complications with Joel, I can’t handle anymore. I’m terrified of missing a single second with him…it was easier to push you away then it was to do something I really wanted to happen.”

  There, I’ve said it. Now he knows what’s going on in my head. It feels good to say it all out loud.

  He turns around and puts down his little black notebook.

  “I’d never want you to lose time with Joel because of me, that’s not what I want at all.”

  His eyes capture me and hold me in place. Right now, there’s no where else I’d rather be.

  “What do you want from me?”

  It’s easier to ask him. I haven’t got the energy to keep second guessing everything.

  “I want to get to know you without you shutting down all the time, and I definitely want to kiss you again.”

  “Why me?”

  He shakes his head and a tiny chuckle, surprised almost, leaves him.

  “You are incredible, and I haven’t said that about many people. You’re strong, caring, and so fucking beautiful, it hurts that you don’t see any of this.”

  No one has ever spoke to me like this, I sit not able to say a word in response. Do I thank him? Do I repay him with a compliment?

  “And when your cheeks burn because of me, that shit hits me hard…and makes me hard,” he winks.