Love Me in Shadows

by Tess Harper

  Alright, suggesting I wasn't graceful was the understatement of the century. I plop down on the chair and bow my head, allowing my hair to fall over my face so no one can see how red my cheeks must be.

  Cassie slides her tray over. "David, you're welcome to sit with us."

  Dolly plays with one of her curly, bleached blond locks. "Yeah. We'd love to hear about your day."

  Alright, this isn't happening. Crazy interrogations didn't occur when Dolly or Cassie went out with a guy! I mean, we'd probably have one for Anna, just because the guy would probably show up on a unicorn and a box of chocolates in one hand and a box of tissues in the other, but this was David. David! All of us had known him for years.

  I look back at him with wide, pleading eyes, mind screaming: I can't take anymore of this!

  But David is...oddly smiling. He glances down, his eyes soft and catches my gaze. "No, I just wanted to make sure Laura got here safely. I've got some food at home I need to eat."

  I don't think it's possible for me to feel worse. All he had at home was freaking peanut butter and crackers, and I'd eaten them all! Why was I such an ungrateful cow?

  "Um, you can...stay here," I reply in the most awkward tone possible.

  "It's alright." He lets go of the back of the chair and steps back. "I'll...catch up with you later?"

  I gulp. "Yeah."

  He leans forward for a second, then thinks better of it. Was he just about to kiss me? "See you soon."

  Then he turns his back and leaves me with my heart thundering in my chest. Why do I feel so cold when it was me who pushed him away?

  "Alright, what the hell happened," Cassie says.

  That snaps me out of my daze. I don't even think he's out of earshot yet! "We just had a nice time together," I cover.

  "Uh huh," Dolly says. "How nice of a time?"

  My heart starts to pound again. Everywhere I look, I see my friend's eyes twinkling. There's no way they're going to let me out of this. "There are some things that should be kept private."

  "Not from your friends, there aren't," Cassie says.

  Dolly wiggles her eyebrows. "How good is he?"

  "We didn't do that!" I say, horrified.

  "Oh, you're no fun," Cassie mumbles.

  Dolly folds her arms over her chest. "So, what did you two do all day? And if you say 'watch The Notebook' I'm going to kill you."

  "We didn't," I reply. Then, I realize I'm going to have to come up with something else.

  "Well?" Cassie prompts.

  I bite my lip. "Um, um, um..."

  "Don't try to think up a lie. We're gonna know if you're lying," Dolly warms.

  Shit. I know she's right. So why am I still trying to come up with a convincing lie?

  "Laura," Cassie murmurs.

  "Laura," Anna chants giddily.

  Oh shit. I'm having trouble thinking. I must say something fast! "He licked me," I whisper.

  Wait, what did I just say?

  Anna's eyes bug out. "Licked you?" she wails, while Dolly asks, "Where?"

  I glance around. Don't they know how crowded the cafeteria is, and how freaking loud they're being? "Keep it down you guys!"

  Dolly shakes her head. "No. You can't just say he licked me and not expect a response."

  "A response is fine, but I don't want to share this with the entire student body!"

  "Alright," Cassie whispers. "We'll keep it down, but only if you tell us now."

  "He licked me where you think he did," I whisper back so low that no one can hear me.

  "I can't hear you," Dolly leans back, voice slightly louder than usual. "I want to know where he--"

  I grab her arm and wave my other hand around. She laughs. "Okay," Dolly whispers. "I won't do that again if you don't mumble to yourself."

  I take a deep breath. "He, you know, was down there."

  Dolly raises her eyebrows. "Down there? I really hope you were more specific when you gave David instructions."

  Give David instructions? I think I was learning more about Dolly than she was about me.

  Dolly sticks a fry into her mouth. "Laura, you should be ashamed of yourself."

  "Yeah," Cassie agrees, stealing one of Dolly's fries. "That guy is so whipped."

  "David is not whipped," I argue.

  "Oh, he's been whipped for a long time," Dolly says.

  Anna frowns thoughtfully at the door David had disappeared behind minutes before. "Laura, you should just sleep with him already."

  "What the hell?" I swat her. "You too?"

  "Seriously," Dolly says through a mouthful of fries. "Put out or put him out of his misery."

  "That's really crass," I murmur.

  "Good. You need to start being a little more crass with him," Dolly retorts.

  I push my knees together. It wasn't like I had trouble having dirty thoughts when I was with David. I mean, I'd seen him naked. There wasn't an inch of him that wasn't hard and godly, and it was hard to forget how hard and godly...alright, even just thinking about all that...hard and godly...was distracting.

  I frown and take one of Dolly's fries.

  "Hey!" she shrieks, trying to swat my hand.

  I whip my hands away and stuff the fries in my mouth. "What? Cassie's had like half of them!"

  "Yeah, but Cassie isn't a tease," Dolly retorts. "I like David. I feel really bad for him."

  "Yeah, I'm not," Cassie declares. "And I wish that there was someone who would get the hint."

  At that moment, I realize that there is a someone in the dining hall--a person who none of us, under any circumstances, would have noticed at the beginning of term, but who has, since then, embedded himself in our daily lives.

  On cue, Derrick lifts his leg from the floor to his chair, wraps his tattooed free arm around his knee, and sticks his chin out at Cassie in what I can only guess he considered a suave greeting. I think it would have gone over better with his target if he didn't have an arm draped around another girl.

  Cassie hides her face in her hands. "Laura, I just want you to know that I'm never forgiving you for that day."

  "Oh, it's not that bad sweetie," Dolly soothes, patting her back.

  "No. It is that bad. Look at what I got just this morning." Cassie shrugs Dolly off, reaches into her jeans and pulls out a post-it note covered in some of the most illegible chicken scratch I've ever seen.

  Dolly squints. "How can you read that?"

  "I've had a lot of practice," Cassie replies. She straightens her back and clears her voice before beginning:

  "Roses can be many colors,

  Most violets are violet.

  That poem never made a whole lot of sense to me,

  And neither does my attraction to you.

  But hey, I can't deny it and I don't want to.

  I'm just asking for one night, babe.

  Just one chance to show you who I am,

  Let's find out if this thing is real."

  Cassie stops. "Based on the way this is structured, I'm guessing he meant for it to be a poem."

  "Aww, that's sweet," Anna coos.

  Cassie glares at her. "I'm just asking for one night, babe? That's a booty call, Anna. That's not sweet." She huffs. "Besides, I don't need to give him a chance to show me who he is. It's not like he has anything I haven't seen before."

  Dolly slaps the table. "Amen!"

  I step in, trying to defend Anna. "Hey, it's a booty call poem. He referenced roses and violets. That shows effort."

  "There is absolutely nothing poetic about this!" Cassie sticks the post-it to her finger, waving it around like a flag. "He might as well have just written 'ass' thirty times."

  "But he didn't. That shows restraint!" Anna says.

  "Restraint? He doesn't even proofread this stuff before he sends it to me. Half the words on this paper are misspelled."

  Anna, Dolly and I share a look, laughing. "Maybe you should critique one of his post-it notes and give it back to him."

  Cassie mulls this over. "You don't thi
nk that would encourage him?"

  "Probably not. You're kind of a bitch," Dolly says.

  "Yeah, but I think he's into that," I whisper. Cassie cuts me a look that would kill a lesser woman--or one who wasn't used to being glared at like that on a daily basis.

  Anna beams. "Look on the bright side. If it does encourage him, at least you'll start getting better post-it notes!"

  Chapter 26

  It did encourage him, but the post-its did not get better. Instead, it morphed into some twisted game where Derrick tried to see how many mistakes Cassie could catch. Every time she didn't, Derrick would send it back with the missed mistake circled.

  That kinda pissed her off.

  However, Cassie wasn't the type to sulk. Instead, she decided to get even.

  I giggle into the phone.

  "Christ, Laura. Keep it down! You sound like a foghorn."

  "Sorry Cass."

  "Alright, after you apologize you're supposed to stop giggling."

  But I can't stop. I suck in a deep breath to try to block out the giggles and double over, laughing harder.

  "You haven't even heard the whole thing yet! It isn't that funny!"

  "It is that funny." I cringe as I speak, as if a severe expression can somehow counteract the giggles. Oh man, it totally can't. "Are you really going to give that to him?"

  "Oh, I'm going to give it to him," Cassie vows.

  I start laughing again.

  "Hey, I'm not reading any more of this to you if you keep this up."

  "That's probably a good thing." I wheeze. "People are starting to look at me weird. I think they might call the nurse." I take three deep breaths before asking, "Did you really write that?"

  I'm referring to her lethal counterattack--the worst poem I've ever heard.

  "Hell yes I wrote this! And you know that big, ugly trunk by my bed? It's full of them. He has no idea who he's fucking with."

  I can't help but smile. Cassie's about to unleash the most horrifying and disturbing thing in her arsenal: the poetry she wrote in high school. "I can just imagine you writing that on the floor of your bedroom with the curtains drawn and the lights off."

  "Hey, I lit a candle. There was always a candle. And I didn't have curtains, babe. Just blinds." She pauses. "And of course they were drawn."

  "Of course," I laugh. I'm still laughing when I feel someone tap my shoulder.

  I shriek, dropping the phone.

  "Laura," the voice soothes. A second hand comes to my shoulder. I shudder as the unbidden feeling consumes me.

  It used to be like this. Every day I'd wait for it. When it didn't come, I'd feel empty. Dead. I thought I was over it. I thought I could move past it. But I can't. After feeling you like this, I've realized that I've waited for you every day--that I've felt dead since that day you so cruelly ripped out my heart and walked away.

  The arms shake me. "Laura?"

  I blink. The voice isn't right. There's no accent. It's not as deep or soft. I gaze up into Professor Cade's face.

  I shake my head and the spell that had temporarily consumed me dissolves. "Sorry...I..."

  "No I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you, but I've been looking all over for you and when you didn't answer..."

  I look down. "It's alright." As my eyes are on the floor, I see my phone. "Oh shit! Cassie!" I drop to my knees, snatch the phone and smash it so hard into the side of my head that I wince.

  "LAURA? LAURA? WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU OKAY? LAURA?"

  "Cass, it's me," I yell.

  "LAURA? ARE YOU OKAY?"

  "I'm fine. I just..." I glance at Professor Cade. "Someone startled me is all."

  "Oh shit, Laura. I was so freaked out. Don't ever do that to me again."

  I groan as I stand.

  "Oh God, did you hurt something?"

  "No, I'm just really out of shape," I admit.

  "Are you sure you're okay, because--"

  I glance at Professor Cade. "Cass, I have to talk to someone. I'll call you back, okay?" After I get her reluctant consent, I hang up the phone.

  Professor Cade tilts his head, smiling. "You have a really good friend there."

  "I know." I drop the phone into my purse. "So, you wanted to talk to me about something?"

  "Yeah, it's good I found you. Can you step into my office for a moment?"

  I raise a brow. This is a little strange. "Is something going on with Bruigh na Boinne?"

  "Not exactly."

  He starts walking and I fall into step beside him. "Um...I didn't miss an assignment or anything, did I?"

  He turns the corner and fishes for his keys. "No, nothing bad Laura. It's good news."

  "Well, that's good," I whisper.

  He opens the door to his office and I walk in.

  Professor Cade's place is kind of like him--eclectic, sexy and comforting. Three cacti grow on the windowsill. Jars of broken pieces of pottery he picked up in South America are lined up on a woven Indonesian tapestry. On the wall that isn't taken over by bookshelves, a print of one of Picasso's famous blue paintings hangs next to that iconic poster of Bob Marley.

  I jump as he shuts the door. "Sit down."

  I do, taking my time. "You're kinda freaking me out Mr. Cade."

  He sits at his desk in front of me and folds his hands. "I don't mean to startle you, Laura. Are you comfortable?"

  Sort of, but definitely not now that you asked me! "Could you just tell me what this is all about?"

  "Yes, sorry." He reaches into his desk. "I received a call from someone who saw your performance at the Guggenheim."

  My heart pounds. Oh shit. Someone saw me making out with David on that table and what we did was a biohazard because they were going to lay food out on it! "Is that so?" I try to keep my voice nonchalant.

  "Yes. They want you to perform at a Christmas charity dinner in two weeks."

  It takes a moment for the words to sink in. Unfortunately, during that moment he keeps talking.

  "I know it's the week before finals, but if you think you can work it, it will be a fantastic opportunity." He slides the paper he retrieved from his drawer across the the top of the desk. "They're offering $2,000."

  "$2,000?"

  He nods.

  "How long is the concert?"

  "You're not the only one performing, so only twenty minutes."

  My heart speeds up as I do a quick calculation. "Oh my god, that's like $500 each for a twenty minute set?"

  "No. It's $2,000 for a twenty minute set. The rest of Bruigh na Boinne are not involved. They only wanted you."

  I grab the page. "This doesn't make sense," I whisper, but it's all there on paper. The charity is to benefit children's leukemia, and only my name is on the paper. Laura. "Do they really want me to sing? I'm not even a singer."

  "Well, I think they want you to play the cello too. They wanted a mix of what you did with Bruigh na Boinne, but have also requested a few specific ones. You'll have to change the arrangements for the Bruigh na Boinne, songs, of course."

  I set the paper down on my lap and look up. "I don't understand why they'd want only me."

  Professor Cade shrugs. "I can't answer that, though I think this will be a good opportunity for you. A lot of your confidence comes from being able to perform with the other girls."

  "Thanks for pointing that out."

  He smiles. "So I think it would be good for you to stand on your own. What do you want me to tell them?"

  I glance down, realizing that all this time I've been nervously folding the corner of the page. Strange. I didn't notice that before. David's words come back to haunt me. How did he see you? He sounds like a stalker. And, He was probably there that night. You might have even seen him.

  I remember the intensity of that strange man's blue eyes and shiver. That's impossible, Laura. Why would he ask for you after all this time? Stop engaging in these masochistic fantasies. Still, I ask, "Who asked for me?"

  "Oh, right." Professor Cade searches through a few drawers
for a piece of paper. "It's around here somewhere."

  It feels like an hour passes before he finds it. "Here's the name of the performance coordinator."

  I glance at the small business card. It's pale blue and has a picture of a big, happy daffodil in the corner. Beatrice Miller. A woman's name, not a man's. "Was she the one who saw me at the Guggenheim?"

  "I don't think so, but she's in charge of coordinating the event. She said you're free to contact her with any questions."

  I fist the business card and stuff it in my pocket. "No, that's alright." I take a deep breath and swallow. "I think I'll take it."

  Chapter 27

  The night of the charity concert comes faster than I could have ever imagined. Between practicing for my twenty minute set and finals, I have no free time. David has been amazingly supportive. Then again, maybe he's just giving me the space I need to think everything over. I get a rush every time I see him. Heat fills my cheeks as I remember that day in his room, the strength of his hands as they hold back my legs, the soft, warmth of his tongue as he kisses me so sweetly and so agonizingly that I fall apart in his arms.

  He hasn't made a move on me since then. I think he's waiting for some cue from me, or maybe he's giving me space until I after the concert. It doesn't matter, though. That memory is like a living, breathing thing between us. I read my own dark fantasies into his eyes when they linger too long on my neck or lips, and I know he does the same when I shiver whenever he touches my shoulder. Neither of us can forget what happened even if we wanted to; no matter what happens next, there's no going back to the way things were.

  My shadow lover hasn't come back. He hasn't even written. I'd like to say that I've stopped checking my mailbox every morning, but I haven't. I don't know what to think about that, either.

  I pack up my books near my locker and try to quiet my nerves. Dolly has been teaching me these breathing exercises she does right before she goes out on stage. Unfortunately they aren't working...though that could be because I've been really self-conscious about doing it ever since Cassie said it made me look like a fish.

  "Hey."

  I freeze up and dart around at the sound of David's voice. "Hey," I squeak, then wonder why my voice sounds so weird until I realize I'm doing a fish face.