Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Truth: The comma is in the wrong place. The original phrase, which dates to the 1400s, was “God rest you merry, gentlemen.” The phrase “God rest you merry” uses rest not in the sense of “relaxing,” but more like the phrase rest assured. So in essence, the song is saying, “May God keep you merry, gentlemen.”

  Myth: Searing meat seals in the juices.

  Truth: If searing truly did create a seal, the fluid inside would boil and your steak would pop like a big piece of popcorn. Browning (or searing) the outside of your meat in a pan before baking it actually removes some of the moisture, which makes the meat a little bit drier…but also a lot tastier.

  Myth: Buddha was fat.

  Truth: He was thin. The man who we know today as Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, lived 2,500 years ago in India. No pictures of him exist, but he was said to be “tall and slender.” Other men after him have also been given the title Buddha, which means “one who has achieved a state of perfect enlightenment.” The portlier version, known as the “laughing Buddha,” was a 10th-century A.D. Chinese folk hero known as Budai.

  Myth: In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet stands on the balcony and asks, “Wherefore art thou, Romeo?” she is looking for him.

  Truth: In Elizabethan times, wherefore meant “why,” so Juliet was asking, “Why are you Romeo?” She was lamenting the fact that he came from a rival family, forcing them to keep their love a secret.

  Myth: You “sweat out toxins” when you exercise.

  Truth: Sweat’s one-and-only duty is to cool off the body. As such, it’s made up of water and trace minerals. Toxins are processed through the liver and kidneys and then excreted during what you are most likely doing right now.

  The first airplane to fly across the United States took 49 days to do it.

  MUPPET FACTS

  “It’s time to put on makeup. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to get things started with some Muppet facts tonight.”

  • Disney bought the Muppets in 2003, but only the “classic Muppets” (the ones from The Muppet Show and the Muppet movies). Sesame Street characters are owned by the Sesame Workshop, and the Fraggles are owned by the Jim Henson Company.

  • In Portugal, Kermit the Frog is named “Cocas.” In Spain, he’s “Gustavo.”

  • The two hecklers in the balcony on The Muppet Show are named Statler and Waldorf. Statler is the one with the grey hair; Waldorf is the one with the mustache. (Waldorf’s wife is named “Astoria.”)

  • Until 1983, HBO aired only movies and sports. Its first show was Fraggle Rock.

  • Telly initially had dazed eyes and a TV antenna on his head. Ironically, during the first few seasons of Sesame Street, he was supposed to warn children that they shouldn’t watch too much TV.

  • An early draft of the screenplay for The Muppet Movie included a recurring role for Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. He was supposed to appear several times, disguised as a sheriff, a busboy, an extra, and as a head on Mount Rushmore.

  • The Muppet characters’ frames are made out of flexible polyfoam (foam rubber isn’t used because it disintegrates). The “skin” is made out of a synthetic material called antron fleece, which is furry, dyeable (very important), and doesn’t get fuzzballs.

  • Miss Piggy’s full, original name was Miss Piggy Lee.

  • The protoype of Kermit was a lizard made from cardboard and covered in material cut from Henson’s mother’s fuzzy green coat. The eyes were two halves of Wacky Stacks, a 1970s line of toy plastic eggs. (When the manufacturer went out of business, Henson bought their entire stock so he’d have Muppet eyes forever.)

  If a rattlesnake doesn’t find shelter from the hot sun, it will die within 20 minutes.

  • Two Muppet-sung songs made the pop chart: “Rubber Duckie,” by Sesame Street’s Ernie, hit #16 in 1970, and “Rainbow Connection,” by Kermit the Frog, reached #25 in 1979.

  • The first season of Saturday Night Live featured regular Muppet sequences. New characters from “The Land of Gorch” were created for the show, including “King Ploovis,” “Queen Peuta” (she has three feet), and “The Mighty Favog.” The adult-oriented sketches weren’t very popular with audiences or the writers, and were discontinued in early 1976.

  • Meep! Meep! In more than 30 years, Beaker from The Muppet Show has spoken only three lines: “Sadly, temporary,” “Makeup ready,” and “Bye-bye!”

  • In 2005 Kermit the Frog was given the key to the city of Kermit, Texas.

  • Oscar the Grouch around the world: In Pakistan, he’s “Akhtar” and lives in an oil drum. In Turkey, he’s called “Kirpik” and resides in a basket. There is no Oscar in the Israeli version of Sesame Street. Instead they have Oscar’s cousin, “Moishe Oofnik,” who lives in an abandoned car.

  * * *

  QUEEN ELIZABETH FACTS

  • The United States has had 44 presidents in 225 years. Queen Elizabeth II (crowned in 1952) is just the 40th English monarch since 1066. She’s outlasted 12 prime ministers of England.

  • In her 60-year reign, she has conferred more than 400,000 awards and honors through 610 “investiture” ceremonies.

  • More than 1.5 million people have attended garden parties at one of the Queen’s royal palaces.

  • She has received 3.5 million pieces of correspondence.

  • The Queen is the legal owner of the swans who live in the Thames River, as well as the whales and dolphins in the waters surrounding the United Kingdom.

  • The Queen doesn’t need a driver’s license or license plates when she drives.

  • Her dogs don’t need licenses either.

  In 2011 the U.S. Treasury had an operating cash balance of $73.7 bil. Apple: $76.4 bil.

  LIFE IMITATES ART

  Countless movies and TV shows are inspired by real-life events. But when real-life events are inspired by fiction, Uncle John takes notice.

  ON THE RADIO: In 1984 “Weird Al” Yankovic released “I Lost on Jeopardy,” a parody of Greg Kihn’s hit “Jeopardy.” In the song and video, Yankovic loses spectacularly on the TV game show Jeopardy!

  IN REAL LIFE: In 2000 Yankovic was a celebrity contestant on VH1’s Rock & Roll Jeopardy!, which features questions and answers about rock music. He lost.

  ON THE SCREEN: Actor Simon Pegg has appeared in dozens of films and TV shows, but his breakthrough was as writer and star of the British TV comedy Spaced, about a science-fiction-loving slacker. In one episode, he states, “As sure as the day is long, the night is dark, and every odd-numbered Star Trek movie is sh*t.”

  IN REAL LIFE: Pegg starred as Scotty in the 2009 reboot of the Star Trek movie franchise…the 11th movie in the series.

  ON THE SCREEN: One of Fox’s first shows was Second Chance, which aired in 1987. It was about a man named Charles who dies and gets another shot at life by going back in time to guide his teenage self through life. In the first episode, Charles dies and goes to heaven. Date: July 2011. Also shown awaiting judgment before St. Peter is Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi.

  IN REAL LIFE: Gaddafi was toppled and killed in October 2011, just three months later than Second Chance’s prediction.

  ON THE SCREEN: On its December 12, 1998, episode, Saturday Night Live cast member Jimmy Fallon appeared in a Christmas Carol parody. He played the “Ghost of Hosts Future,” and predicted that he himself would host the December 12, 2011, episode.

  IN REAL LIFE: By 2011 Fallon had become a huge star, hosting Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on NBC. On December 17, 2011, he did in fact host Saturday Night Live. (The prediction couldn’t completely come true—December 12, 2011, was a Monday.)

  Ready, set, go! By this time tomorrow you’ll have inhaled 2,000 gallons of air.

  NOT-SO-STUPID DISHWASHER TRICKS

  A dishwasher takes up a lot of space in your kitchen. Ever feel that it’s not pulling its fair share? Turns out there are many surprising ways you can increase your appliance’s productivity.

  NO-BRAINER ADAPTATIONS

>   Many people have found themselves one rack short of a full load, and grabbed something close at hand, such as greasy drip pans or scuzzy soap dishes, to fill up the dishwasher. Maybe you’ve put your refrigerator shelves in there, too. That’s a good start, but it’s not nearly the extent of a dishwasher’s ability. Look around the house and you’ll see a lot of things that could use a good dishwashin’. Here’s a list of items that other kitchen adventurers have successfully cleaned in the DW:

  • Small window screens

  • The greasy fan vent screen above the stove

  • Stove burner drip pans (Do it weekly to prevent carbon buildup. Don’t wait until they’re already caked with blackened crud.)

  • Glass light globes (Glass only—no wires or electrical parts.)

  • Ashtrays (Empty out the butts first, no matter how good your dishwasher claims to be.)

  • Non-paper vacuum filters

  • Household sponges

  OUT OF THE KITCHEN

  Even those who avoid the dishwasher for its normal purposes can get caught up in adapting it to new purposes.

  • Non-power tools (Gets off the dirt and grime.)

  • Hubcaps and wheel covers

  • Heat registers

  • Cabinet knobs and handles

  • Inexpensive ceramic figurines

  • Non-electronic toys, from plastic dinosaurs to Barbies to teething rings to action figures to Legos (inside a nylon bag…unless you want to spend a lot of time fishing them out of the bottom)

  An average potato will make about 36 potato chips.

  • Dog toys

  • Combs

  STRETCHING IT

  • Bowling balls (Believe it or not, dishwashing removes that oil they use on the bowling lanes, giving you more spin control and fewer oil stains on clothes and accessories.)

  • Garden gnomes, frogs, plastic flamingos—any plastic items from your garden menagerie that will fit

  • Baseball caps (They can lose their shape in a clothes washer, but DW advocates say that tucking them between dishes with the open side down does the trick. Still worried that they’ll lose their shape? Buy a wire cap-supporting frame made for this purpose.)

  • Rubber boots

  • Knee, shin, and elbow pads

  • Athletic shoes (The dishwasher gets the water hot enough to kill any fungi or microbes.)

  • Brooms, brushes, dustpans, and plastic trash can lids

  • Toilet seats (Don’t do this one while you’re washing the dishes.)

  YOU’RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

  This is the “Now you’re on your own” section of this article. We can’t vouch for the next few items, but they’re so far out that we had to include them. Proceed at your own risk!

  • Poaching fish (There are “cooks” who swear that if you wrap a fish in aluminum foil and seal it well, there will be no soap smell on the fish and no fish smell on the dishes.)

  • Parboiling large quantities of corn on the cob prior to canning or freezing (Use the hottest rinse cycle only.)

  • Cleaning potatoes (Why scrub your spuds with a brush? For best results, lay them between the bowls and glasses.)

  NOTE: For just about everything listed here, it’s best to use the top rack if possible and not to use the heated air-dry option. And remember this rule of thumb: “If it’s something you’d cry over hurting, harming, or losing, DON’T put it in.”

  Money to burn: Collectively, Americans spend about $211 million on fireworks every year.

  LOADED WORDS

  Surprisingly, there are a lot of euphemisms to describe what we all do in the bathroom. Because they’re so colorful, they are remarkably disgusting, yet eerily compelling. (Enjoy.)

  Bake brownies

  Clip a biscuit

  Bust a grumpy

  See a man about a dog

  Release the hostages

  Free the chickens from the coop

  Let the firetrucks loose

  Bust a dookie

  Dispatch a Yankee

  Squeeze a steamer

  Ride the porcelain bus

  Stock the lake with brown trout

  Pinch a loaf

  Lose a farting contest

  Mold an action figure

  Step into the office

  Blow mud

  Murder a mud bunny

  Build a log cabin

  Grease the punchbowl

  Free the turtles

  Lay hot snakes

  Lay wolf bait

  Give birth to a food baby

  Expel the hamster

  Take the Browns to the Super Bowl

  Crank an 8-ball

  Make a delivery

  Hang a root

  Empty the manure spreader

  Go number 2

  Park a custard

  Log out

  Burn a mule

  Send some sailors out to sea

  Sink submarines

  Pop a squat

  Drop a deuce

  Sprout a tail

  Drop the kids off at the pool

  Give birth to sewer bass

  Throw a chip

  Unhitch a load

  Trash the hash

  Eat backwards

  Visit the chamber of commerce

  Duke it out

  Lose 10 pounds in one minute

  Talk to John

  Misfart

  Birds don’t sweat.

  CHAIN-STORE ORIGINS

  From humble beginnings to the major stores we know today.

  BEST BUY

  Richard Shulze opened a small stereo store called Sound of Music in St. Paul, Minnesota, in 1966. Like most electronics stores of the time, it catered to stereo buffs, but as audio components and car stereos became more affordable in the 1970s, Sound of Music grew. By 1976 Shulze had opened eight more stores in the Twin Cities, then expanded into appliances and electronics, including the latest gadget, the VCR. The stores were always small, until a local disaster gave Shulze an idea. In 1981 a tornado destroyed the flagship store. Most of his inventory was undamaged, though, so Shulze held a “Tornado Sale” in the parking lot and heavily advertised it, adding products from the other stores (closed for the day to reroute sales traffic) to make the event appear even bigger. From the success of that sale, Shulze decided that big stores were the way to go. In 1983 he renamed the company Best Buy and opened a “superstore” in Burnsville, Minnesota. Today there are more than 1,000 locations worldwide.

  TARGET

  Dayton’s was Minneapolis’s top department store in the early 20th century. When founder George Dayton died in 1938, his sons, George and Douglas, took over and began to expand. In the 1950s, more Dayton’s stores opened in Rochester, Minnesota, then in suburban Minneapolis’s Southdale Mall, the first indoor shopping center in the U.S. (and the first of four Dayton-owned-and-anchored malls opened in the next decade). In 1962 the company made a risky move into “discount retailing”—a department store-size combination of drugstore and dime store. They turned out to be pioneers of the “big box” store. The publicity team debated over more than 200 names, ultimately deciding on Target, in order to be “on target” with customer service and value. The first one opened in Roseville, Minnesota. By the end of the year, there were five Targets statewide. Denver got one in 1966, followed by St. Louis, Dallas, and Houston. There were 74 Targets by 1980; today, there are more than 1,500.

  By the 4th century B.C., the Chinese were drilling for natural gas and using it for heat.

  And Dayton’s? They’re gone. They merged with Hudson’s department store in 1969, then with Marshall Field’s in 1990. The last Dayton’s and Hudson’s in Minnesota were converted into Marshall Field’s in 2001. Today they’re all Macy’s stores.

  J.C. PENNEY

  In 1898, 23-year-old James Cash Penney took a job as a sales clerk at the Golden Rule dry goods store in Colorado. He was an enthusiastic employee and the top salesman. After four years on the job, the owners presented him with an oppor
tunity. They were opening a branch in the small town of Kemmerer, Wyoming, and offered Penney a one-third share in that store if he would move there and run it. He accepted, and the store thrived under his management. In 1907 he bought out his partners and expanded to three stores. In 1909 he moved his offices from Kemmerer to Salt Lake City so he could be closer to banks and railroads, facilitating shipping to what had become a chain of six stores. By 1911 Penney had 22 stores, earning $1 million a year (around $23 million today). Two years later, he changed the name from Golden Rule to The J.C. Penney Company. In 1926, with a staggering 500 stores, the company became “the world’s largest department store.” Penney died in 1971. There are now more than 1,100 JCP stores.

  HOME DEPOT

  In 1978 Bernie Marcus and Arthur Blank were laid off from their executive jobs at Handy Dan Home Improvement, a chain of hardware and construction supply stores. Within a year, the duo had leased four former Treasure Island grocery stores in Atlanta and turned them into Home Depots. Their business model was different from most hardware stores: Home Depot bought directly from manufacturers, not from distributors, so its prices were lower. Marcus and Blank also set their store apart from their competitors’ with size: Those initial stores were each more than 60,000 square feet and stocked with more than 25,000 products. Riding the wave of the growing “do-it-yourself” trend, within two years, they had 50 locations. When Marcus and Blank retired in 2000, there were more than 1,500 Home Depot stores, measuring on average about 100,000 square feet. (Handy Dan went out of business in 1989.)

  The Butterfinger candy bar got its name in a contest in 1923. Winner: a klutz named Nicola “Butterfingers” Jovanovic, who sent in his nickname.

  HOMONYM QUIZ

  Homonyms are words that are spelled and pronounced alike but have different meanings. Examples: squash (the plant) and squash (as in “crush”). In this quiz we give you one homonym and two meanings—and you have to guess which meaning entered the English language first. (Answers on page 601.)