The Accidental Archmage

by Edmund A. M. Batara

  Then the mage saw a massive mound swiftly snaking its way towards them. He turned and looked at where the company was headed – the raised cluster of large boulders. Rocky ground was in front of it.

  “Giant snake inbound! Run for the rocky ground!” he shouted.

  The party sped up and tore into the creatures blocking their rear. Tyler’s chakri tore apart reptilian armor and bodies, easing their egress. The mage risked a look back.

  The creature had slowed as it made its way past the ranks of soldiers who made a path for it. In the background, Tyler could see the large curving furrow the creature left in the black soil. The mage let loose a wave of flame at the waiting cluster of rocks. Soldiers were positioned there in a formation similar to a phalanx – shields in a double rank, one on top of each other, and spears protruding from the armored mass.

  Tyler’s flame hit an invisible wall, coating with a huge flaming splash the space in front of the waiting reptiles. The startled mage stopped. Then two large solid beams lanced out from him. His guides’ contribution to the mayhem.

  “Every shield has its limits, Elder. Especially those cast by minor mages,” X quickly advised him. “We just shredded the weakened shield.”

  X had barely finished when a wave of axe head forms struck the waiting reptiles. As they tumbled down like a pack of torn cards, shields and armor cut like putty, the companions were already among them. Tyler, with his speed, or lack of it, took up the rear.

  The slowest of the lot, the mage considered as he ran towards the bloody and terrible havoc in front of him. The companions tore into the disorganized group of soldiers like an out-of-control meat grinder on full power. As he ran on his panting way to the group, Tyler was flinging small waves of sharp, bladed projectiles to his left and right. Then he saw Tyndur come his way at a run.

  “What are you doing?” he shouted to the running einherjar.

  “I want a second snake!” came the immediate reply.

  Oh, for God’s sake! Tyler thought. It’s like dealing with a child. I don’t have time for this!

  “Go back! We make our stand on that rise until we figure out a way out of this mess!”

  The einherjar stopped, staring at the onrushing mound, his burning instinct to fight and Tyler’s order clearly warring in his mind.

  “Tyndur! Go back!” Tyler shouted again. The warrior finally turned to return just as the mage reached him.

  At that moment, the giant serpent had reached them and smashed into the rock stratum. A muffled though audible thud echoed and the ground shook violently. The einherjar and mage were thrown forward, with Tyler, lacking the training of the warrior, smashing his face on the rough stone surface.

  Damn! That’s an ouch! thought the mage. I could feel blood on my right cheek. And I ache all over. Though my armor seems to have prevented severe damage. Good thing I didn’t land on my head. That would be game over.

  Tyler cast a healing spell, though he could already feel the energy depletion. Unsurprisingly, Tyndur landed on his feet.

  “Let’s go, sire. That worm is going to rise any moment now,” bellowed the warrior.

  Tyndur rose to his feet, invigorated by the spell. Ahead, he could see the companions quickly clearing the mound of enemies though the mage could see more streaming towards their position. He risked a quick glance to the left. The mage saw that the area just beyond the second mound was full of enemy formations. Metal banners of various shapes and marked with strange symbols were held up high. Mixed among the companies were more giant snakes and their riders.

  We did stumble into a mobilizing army! Fuck Murphy’s Law! Come on, Tyler! Think of something! he told himself as he ran towards his companions.

  As Tyler and the einherjar reached the group, the companions had adopted a circular defense, with the melee fighters evenly distributed along its circumference. As usual, Tyler was directed by the priestess to the middle of the group. In front of the mage was Tyndur with Habrok and Asem to his sides. Kobu was to the left of Tyler and Astrid covered the right.

  The companions were already engaging groups of soldiers who had reached them. At the back of their attackers, the blinded massive serpent, though severely wounded, was creating a swathe of gore among the troops of the enemy. The latest serpentine newcomer had risen from the ground, sinuous neck swaying from side to side, and its malignant gaze was upon them. Specifically, upon Tyler.

  Does this monster have a bone to pick with me? thought the mage as his eyes took in what was happening in the background. The first serpent was now in its death throes, and it won’t be long before the full attention of the enemy commander would be on them.

  Tyler focused on finding the magic-users of the other side. He considered them the most dangerous among the threats facing them, right after bowmen and javelin users. The mage did note that Asem had maintained their shield. Hopefully, the priestess would have enough magical energy left to sustain it. The snakes, massive creatures they might be, are of a secondary concern while they were on the rocky rise. Unless their riders see it fit or are commanded to crawl up to them.

  Tyler immediately decided to find a way to create more lethal distraction among the enemy’s ranks. Finding the mages or bowmen was taking too much time. Then he noticed the way back to the Barren Lands was the side least covered by the enemy. Moving forward, right into the center of the forming army, was not an option. He’d be a fool to take that course of action.

  He looked at the second snake weaving its long neck in the air and noticed that the third was not far behind. More companies of the man-snakes, as he called them, were marching to their defensive position.

  “Tyndur! We need a distraction. Can you get rid of that snake? Blind it as we did the other one, and get its rider too! But don’t kill it.”

  “Hehehe. Does Thor fart? This is going to be fun!” replied the einherjar.

  He got his wish, thought the mage, shaking his head.

  “Get ready! Once Tyndur finishes with that snake, that’s our clue to make our way back to the Barren Lands. We’ll find another way back. Open battle with an army in the field is a little bit out of our league. Especially when this land does not replenish our energies at the usual rate,” instructed Tyler.

  And we could line them up, chop and hack to our heart’s content, and still won’t be done by the end of the day, reflected the mage.

  “We’re retreating, my liege?” asked Kobu.

  “Call it repositioning to a better strategic advantage,” replied Tyler. “Only a foolish and stupid cow would lock horns with a bull ten times its size.”

  The exile laughed. “If it’s a human, stupid would not begin to describe tangling with the horns of a bull.”

  “I am ready, High Mage,” reported Tyndur. “But I doubt if I’ll have the energy to teleport after this junket. Both eyes and the rider, right?”

  “Right. But you can’t teleport directly on the beast. It has magical protection for that,” reminded Tyler.

  The einherjar winked and disappeared. Tyler was watching the moving head of the gargantuan beast. From the corner of his eyes, he saw numerous flaming explosions in the midst of the gathering host. They were some distance away, but his attention was on Tyndur’s attack. The einherjar’s assault was too fast even for his eyes to see. All he caught was the momentary appearance of the warrior – first, in the air beside the unwary and now headless rider, and then on both sides of the head.

  As soon as Tyndur appeared beside him, the mage let fly a concentrated “away” spell, focusing on a narrow front and directed against the body of the beast. The roaring head was moving too fast for him. The chances of missing it was high.

  The magical blow hit the snake’s body directly, and though it didn’t bowl it over, the force of the spell forced it back around a hundred feet, right into packed groups of soldiers. As with the first monster, the panicked and uncontrolled beast ensured a show full of gore and mayhem. Some companies headed to their mound abruptly changed direction, intend
ing to confront the furious serpent.

  “Time to go!” shouted Tyler.

  The companions changed positions, with the strongest melee fighters in front to clear the way. Kobu guarded their rear. The mage let fly more force blades, intent on helping open the way. Sudden attacks from burrowing skirmishers continued but were no match for the quick reflexes of the companions.

  The group had barely moved a hundred feet in open terrain, leaving dead and injured reptiles behind, when Tyler saw a moving cloud of dust a mile or so away. It had come from the area behind the rise they had just vacated.

  The mage focused and saw riders with jagged spears astride smaller versions of the giant snakes. The armored creatures had four legs and two clawed hands. From what the mage could see, they were fast creatures, though they moved in a snake-like motion.

  Fucking cavalry, thought Tyler.

  “Riders coming! Move fast, people! Let’s have some distance between the foot soldiers and us first,” shouted the mage, throwing a barrage of fireballs to their rear and at the onrushing cavalry. Tyler’s voice was a pitch higher than usual.

  “Elder, we’ve passed the halfway mark on reserves. But energy use has not yet resulted in magical exhaustion,” X advised him.

  “Good! I need more! And heal any physical exhaustion. Your focused treatment would be more efficient. I am getting tired from this running and the stress,” said Tyler. “And eliminate the cavalry. Your systems are better than my Mark One eyeball.”

  In response, numerous pulses flew through the air and struck the onrushing riders. The beams were intermittent bursts but were solid enough to pierce through their targets and continue on to two or more victims. Those downed by the silvery flickers, man-snake and mount alike, proved to be deadly field obstacles as succeeding ranks crashed into them. Tyler counted a total of four such volleys launched by his guides. The effect was lethally effective. And to his relief, the riders had stopped, the field full of their fallen.

  With the breather, the company was able to advance another hundred feet. No enemies barred their retreat. Even those pursuing them had stopped and returned to the main host. The mage could see numerous plumes of fire erupting in the distance, the explosions of red and yellow visible past the elevation of the rise. Bewilderingly, he could hear the faraway sound of battle. Faint sounds of men shouting and the clash of metal weapons.

  Men? Fighting? thought the baffled mage as he tried to keep pace with his companions. Somebody or something is attacking them. Must be powerful spells for their effect to be seen from where we are. But humans are definitely involved. Could be good or bad. Mortals could be fighting for some freak of a death god or his brother.

  Then as he looked around, Tyler’s gaze fell on his deadly handiwork. The piles of dead riders and their mount were discernible in the distance. A few mounted man-snakes were moving among the casualties, apparently looking for those still alive. From time to time, one would stop and alight, and just as quickly bring a body to his mount. A twinge of guilt wormed its way past Tyler’s adrenalin haze.

  All these deaths. They may be a different species, but it doesn’t make killing them easier when one thinks about it. There’s a lot to be said about long-distance destruction.

  Then another cloud of dust greeted his eyes. It came from where he saw the enemy cavalry emerge.

  Another wave? Quite persistent, I have to give them that, but they would now be prepared against magical attacks, he thought as his brain started to try to come up with another plan.

  “Incoming again,” he told his guides. “Highly probable that they’re shielded.”

  “We do detect a strong magical field,” said Hal.

  “Can we break it?”

  “All such barriers can be broken. What matters is the amount of energy needed,” replied X.

  “By that, you mean a lot of power. An amount which imposes an unacceptable drain on our reserves,” said the mage.

  “Only if you want an energy buffer for any possible conflict soon,” commented Hal.

  “In this land, unpleasant encounters are guaranteed. At least we’re now facing a conventional enemy. There are plenty of unusual and powerful ones out here,” commented Tyler. His mind was calculating how far the company could move in their current direction before they were forced to make a stand.

  Around another hundred feet. It looks like they’re organizing themselves as they move towards us. A rush job for a pursuit. The enemy commander must now be focused on whoever is attacking them. Good. We’re now officially a sideshow.

  “Another cavalry wave! Head for that crest! We’ll make our stand there!” yelled Tyler to his companions. And a minute ago, you were feeling sorry for their friends. Now they’re out again trying to slice you to pieces. Real war sucks.

  But the mage was thankful that the closer they got to the Barren Lands, the terrain slowly turned normal. Though he knew saying that the Barren Lands was normal is but an exercise in comparative weirdness. At least the Barren Lands didn’t have the warped and disturbing scenery of the Void Lands, he thought. In the latter, even the color of the land was strange. Large patches of the soil, rocks, and the distorted land itself appeared to be an abstract painter’s nightmare. The mage suspected those were areas in the Void Lands which suffered from magical conflicts between beings coming from different dimensions throwing dissimilar but destructive energies at each other.

  It’s like a military free-fire zone, tactical nukes included, he finally concluded after trying to think of an Earth equivalent. And I’m in it.

  Then he noticed the cavalry mass had increased its speed.

  Finally got their act together and charging us, he observed. The mage then cast two small fire orbs at the incoming host as a test. One against the leading riders, the other being lobbed towards the middle of the advancing mass. The spells exploded as they struck an invisible barrier several feet in front of the leading ranks and on top of the cavalry charge.

  Yep, a shield. Front and on top. Sides too, or Tyndur’s a Valkyrie, the mage thought.

  Asem and Astrid reached the low ridge first, with Habrok and Tyndur close behind. Kobu stayed with Tyler. As the winded mage reached the bottom of the mount, he suddenly felt vibrations under his feet. Then Tyler noticed his companions on the elevated rise were looking at something beyond his sight. He quickly clambered up.

  An armored mass of men and horses was charging with lances in a wedge-shaped formation, straight at the right flank of the man-snake cavalry. Tyler saw the newcomers came out of a defile, hidden by low hills. The party’s pursuers were now trying to reform and face the new attackers – a complicated maneuver to perform when the cavalry host is in the middle of a charge. The mage could see the man-snakes’ formation splinter. Some elements evidently were unaware of the coming threat.

  They’re screwed. Even if they outnumber their attackers. That charge would cut through them like hot knife through warm butter, concluded the mage. Or like shit through a duck. One of my favorite expressions.

  Then Kobu quickly turned and cried out a warning. The companions scrambled to take up defensive positions in a circular formation. Around the mound swarmed heavily armored lancers. Human warriors. The newcomers had swiftly emerged from behind the surrounding elevations and quickly surrounded Tyler’s party, lances and bows directed at them. The mage could see the telltale shimmer of readied spells by riders at the back. Those in front of the party had metal cone helmets, mail armor, large round shields, lances, and bows attached to the saddles of their horses which were clad in scale armor.

  Cataphracts? thought the astounded mage as gaming memory came to mind. Heavy cavalry? Parthians?

  “They must have a lot of mages, sire,” Tyndur commented. “Hiding themselves and the sounds of their host. Asem’s shield is up though. I think we might be able to take them.”

  Tyler’s mind swiftly calculated the odds as he shifted his staff to spear mode. He was sure the companions were already low on magical energy and his own
was only good for some major spells. They could win but at a cost. No telling how expensive the bill would be.

  A harsh voice cried out from the ranks of the warriors. Unfortunately, Tyler couldn’t understand it. He turned to Asem, their loremaster.

  “Warriors of Sumer and Akkad, sire. They are demanding our surrender. They say we’re lucky we’re obviously humans. Otherwise, they would have cut us down earlier,” said the priestess. “I do know the language.”

  “Which means we ran from one army and right into another,” replied Tyler. He wanted to say more, but he forced himself to be civil. It was a struggle, but the mage was able to control his mouth.

  The mage looked at the battle in the distance. Their pursuers were already being crushed, and the armored cavalry appeared to be moving to attack the rear of the main reptilian host. Tyler was so pissed off. He had already convinced himself that they stood a chance as long as the party reached the low ridge. The mage could see the Void Lands stretched out before him. Teasing him. Playing with him. Laughing at him. Finally, he couldn’t bear it.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS LAND? AN ARMY CONVENTION CENTER? AND A FREAKING MAGICAL SPONGE? WHY CAN’T I GET A SIMPLE MONSTER FOR ONCE? EVEN TWO! OR TEN!” he shouted. In English.

  “FUCK YOU! FUCK THIS! FUCKING HELLHOLE!” Tyler continued shouting. His companions looked at him, jaws agape.

  “HEY, HEY, HEY! Calm down, mate! There are Shielas present. You a Pom or a Seppo, sorry, a Yank?” asked a voice from the rear of the warriors.

  Chapter Note:

  Shiela – Australian slang for woman/ladies.

  Pom – Australian slang for those of British nationality.