The Urn Carrier

by Chris Convissor

  She tries to wipe the blood off the arrow and she takes the sheath off her back. She holds her bow and regards it for a moment. She loves this bow. But she doesn’t love what she’s just done. Her legs are full of bog mud and slime and all she can see for months after, in her dreams, are the white bellies of frogs floating up to meet her.

  Slowly she lurches upwards. She staggers to her father’s car. She stows her bow and arrows. She never touches them again.

  It’s the memory of the white bellies of the frogs that wakes Tessa up now. She holds the blanket up to her neck and looks to see if she’s wakened Dina. Dina’s soft snores and poofing breaths indicate she’s still sleeping.

  Although it’s a warm night, Tessa’s teeth are chattering.

  Murphy comes to the side of the bed and lays his head beside her. She inches her arm out and pets him. How does he know she is crying?

  She’d swore an oath that day of the frogs. Never again would she take another life unless she absolutely had to. Never again would she harm another animal or human if she could help it.

  She knows she needs to make reparations for all the frogs she killed and one day, it will be clear how she needs to do it. For now, all she can do is promise.

  Troubled, she finally turns on her side and circles Dina’s waist. Dina makes a small sound, as if partially waking, and shifts enough so Tessa can burrow her head into Dina’s back. She wonders why the memory comes now. What lesson about her part of massacring the frogs does she need to heed?

  It’s a long time before she sleeps, and when she does, she remembers Murphy and his constant energy protecting her.

  Chapter 21

  THE HIKES THEY take the next three days are long ones. They pack for the day, taking almond butter and homemade jam purchased from roadside stands and packing Murphy with extra drinking water and his doggie treats. They wear whistles in case they come upon bear and eagerly scamper over rocks and streams to find glaciers off road.

  Murphy leads them down the trail alongside a loud rushing creek. No one else is hiking this trail and it’s an easy incline with a high ridge to their right. Tessa is moved to crouch beside the icy cold creek. She cups the water in her hands and drinks.

  “Oh my god, Tessa.” Dina is standing over her. “You could get giardia or something.”

  Where does all of Dina’s fear come from? Tessa is mystified. She stands, smiles, and French kisses Dina right there.

  “Wow!” Dina drops down and tastes the water too.

  Murphy has stopped several yards ahead of them and laps from the glacial torrent.

  All of a sudden, above the thundering creek, the roar of a surprised bear resounds in their ears.

  “Blow that damned thing,” Tessa tells Dina.

  Murphy hears neither the bear nor the whistle over the sound of the creek; he is busily sniffing a bush to the side of the trail and lifting his leg.

  “Do we go on?”

  Tessa listens. “I think that bear has moved on. Sounds like she was startled to even see other life.”

  They choose to hike toward the glacial lake. A half hour later, they remove their boots and cool their toes in emerald glacial waters. Murphy dips almost his whole face into the water, attempting to retrieve a lodged stick. He paws at it and tries again.

  “It’s our own private paradise.”

  “This happens all the time,” Tessa agrees. “Most people quit hiking after a couple of miles.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Well, some can’t.”

  “But the others? Why don’t they choose to . . . ?”

  “Time?”

  “I’ve only been traveling with you a little while, but time seems like a foreign concept to me now. And, I’m glad it is.”

  So am I.

  THEIR FIRST DAYS together are something out of a movie. They are in love and in bliss. They make love day and night. They make love outside on their hikes with Murphy on watch and seemingly unruffled . . . Everything is perfect. Except Murphy’s eating is erratic.

  Tessa offers him burger with his kibble. He sniffs it casually and walks over to the couch. Dina has her nose in her laptop.

  “He’s not eating.”

  “Well, maybe it’s the daylight thing. You know it’s crazy there’s only four hours of night. That’s throwing me off. I feel manic.”

  “Yeah, but he should be eating more not less.”

  “I dunno.”

  Tessa looks up and sees Dina is back into her laptop, the “I dunno” an almost dismissal of the problem.

  Tessa holds her hand over his nose. It’s wet and cool, normal. Murphy wags his tail and rolls over on his back, offering his belly. In all other ways, he seems normal. He’s not puking.

  Dina gets up and makes herself another drink.

  “Why do you drink every night?” Tessa asks.

  Dina measures out some vodka and turns from the counter. “Oh, I don’t know. Vacation?” She hands Tessa a glass.

  Tessa sniffs it.

  “It’s a very good vodka. Very smooth. Go ahead, try it.”

  Much later, Tessa pours out the rest of her vodka, hoping Dina doesn’t notice, but she does.

  “Oh, honey, don’t feel like you’ve got to drink because I do. But next time, let’s just pour it back in the bottle okay? By the way, I have an assignment ready to send, but there’s no Wi-Fi here, what are the chances of getting to a location that has some?”

  “Our chances tomorrow are excellent.”

  “Tonight’s probably out of the question?”

  Tessa reviews the distance. “It would be better tomorrow. If you can wait.”

  Dina sighs and shuts the laptop. “I wish that referral from Dr. Houseworth would come in. She’ll make all the difference of me getting accepted for grad school.”

  Dina sits next to Tessa and Murphy on the floor.

  Tessa combs Dina’s long blond hair with her fingers. “You’re getting in. I know it.”

  “Thanks, love, but I get a little nerved up waiting. There’s just so much riding on it. When do you think you’ll return to school?”

  “Probably after this trip.”

  “Well, you’ll get into grad school two years after me; then I’ll be heading for my doctorate. Staggering our post-grad degrees is a really good thing; we won’t be both under pressure at the same time.”

  Tessa is uneasy at even the mention of school or graduation. Sometimes the whole process of post-grad degrees seems more of a hazing, depending on what degree is being sought. How many times had she heard universities were just a business, cramming unneeded courses into a higher degree? How many conversations at the Union had she overheard of grad and doctoral students one upping each other with inevitable stories of favoritism, and how banal undergrads were? As if, a mere semester ago, they weren’t the ones being taught by self-aggrandizing peers?

  No. If Tessa is going to pursue another degree it might be an MFA. On the other hand, if a degree existed for traveling . . .

  “Where are you, baby?”

  “Thinking about school.”

  “My bad.” Dina unties the red headband holding Tessa’s long brown locks and then kisses her. And all thoughts of that other world slip away.

  TESSA IS SO focused on getting Dina Wi-Fi she misses the North Saskatchewan River ash drop.

  “Shit! Shit!” Tessa says. “I’ve never missed an ash drop.”

  “Oh it’s okay, baby. Just dump the ashes at the next river crossing and take a picture and call it good.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “’Cause this is a sacred thing. It’s important. You said yourself it was.”

  “I know I did. And it is sacred. But, it’s not a job. Who’s going to know?”

  “I’m going to know.”

  “Well, why is it so important if it’s at that exact location? You’ve had to pass up other drops. You said Mr. Forsythe was cool about it. Wouldn’t he understand not back tracking two hour
s?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Tessa is upset and angry and she’s unsure why. All she knows is, she needs to return to make it right. She recalls it has to do with the river flowing into a specific ocean. She’d have to re-read Mr. Forsythe’s instructions, but she doesn’t want to do it now, in front of Dina. She’ll just have to unhitch and take the truck back up the highway sometime. Maybe when Dina is sleeping, or writing e-mails on her laptop.

  Now they have to make camp. Even though it seems bright daylight, it is getting toward eight p.m. and Tessa wants to make camp and settle in.

  She hasn’t run in a couple of days; she knows this always lifts her mood. Tomorrow, for sure, she’s running, no matter how rewarding Dina makes staying in bed feel.

  Tessa wakes with the dawn. She loves the sunrises. She stretches, slips on her shorts.

  “But I like when you bring me coffee in bed first.” Dina says, turned on her side.

  Tessa looks up. “If I bring you coffee in bed, then we make love and I never run.”

  “Is that all bad?” Dina smiles. “Don’t I give you a work out?”

  “Oh, yes. It’s an awesome workout.”

  “Let’s put a Fit Bit on you and see how many calories you’re burning.”

  Tessa leans over. She kisses Dina on the forehead. “Sweetie, I’ll be back in no time, promise. Murphy and I need to do this.”

  “You have more of a relationship with that dog than you do with anyone else.”

  “That’s not fair. He’s been with me the whole time.”

  “It’s just a joke, T.”

  It upsets Tessa that Dina is calling her by a letter. She’s unsure why, but she doesn’t like the tone of it.

  After lunch, they hike Athabasca Falls.

  Tessa chooses to perform the ceremony, dispersing the ashes away from the hordes of people.

  She looks up to see an old man with a quirky smile watching them. Usually this would creep her out, but something about this person is soft and kind.

  “A grandmother?” he asks.

  “Great Aunt.”

  “Ahhh.” He nods. His walking stick looks uniquely carved.

  “Is that your work?”

  He smiles.

  “It’s beautiful.”

  Unspoken, they begin walking together. Dina is further ahead with Murphy. She’s out of hearing, picking up rocks one at a time, perusing their individuality and just as quickly dropping them.

  “It’s a great testament for the young to honor the old.”

  “Aunt Sadie is still teaching me. Especially on this trip.”

  He stops and looks at the river. “Have you ever shared solitude? For example, saying nothing, doing nothing for hours, over a campfire? When that sort of intimacy is shared with just one other person, it can be the most profound intimacy of all.”

  Tessa smiles.

  “It is kind of you to share with an elder.” He nods toward Dina and Murphy. “They wait for you.”

  Tessa reaches Dina and senses she’s out of sorts. “What is it?”

  “I don’t know.” Dina keeps looking at the rock she’s just picked up, Murphy’s leash in her hand. “There’s just something about you. People are drawn to you. Strangers. They just come up and start talking to you.”

  “Does it bother you?”

  Dina looks up at the mountains. She can’t, or won’t, look Tessa in the eyes.

  “I don’t know. I just don’t get it. I don’t know what I’m feeling. It’s silly to say jealous. I mean, I have things I want to speak with you about, but then, it’s like these strangers have more importance than I do.”

  “It’s not that.”

  “I feel stupid for even saying anything.”

  “You can’t help what you’re feeling. I want to know. I can tell when something is off.”

  “That’s just it. You’re such an empath. It’s just uncanny.”

  Dina finally looks at her, the cute pucker between her brows. “It’s those damn penetrating dark brown eyes you have. People just get swallowed up in them, don’t they?”

  Tessa has no words.

  “How can I blame them?” Dina kisses her.

  Chapter 22

  DINA IS ON the laptop doing research, shuffling e-mails about school and grad school, getting references, talking with big wigs all over the world.

  “Have a nice jog, baby?” Dina finally looks up from her laptop.

  “It’s gorgeous . . . come share?” Tessa grabs the urn to divvy some ashes outside for the Saskatchewan ash drop.

  “You bet. I was just buttoning this up annnnnnnnnnnd . . . I have a surprise for you.” Dina waves a piece of paper. “I signed us up for an overnight horseback riding adventure. We might get a chance to see white wolves.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. I spoke with the tour guide specialist and he recommended this as the absolute best time. My only wish is we could have gone for the whole week. They have gourmet meals and set up our lodging and everything.”

  “Come outside.”

  “Okay.”

  Tessa reads the flyer. “We can’t go on the ride.”

  “Why not?”

  “Murphy can’t go.”

  “Well, that’s kind of the idea, the white wolves won’t come around a dog, I don’t think.”

  “But he’s never been boarded. I’m unsure how it will affect him.”

  “Geez, T, it’s only one night. Probably not even an entire twenty-four hours. He’s just a dog.”

  “He’s not just a dog to me.”

  “That’s a bit harsh. You’re going to blow a one-in-a-million chance to see white wolves because the dog can’t go? It’s not rational.”

  Dina’s hands fly out. They hit Tessa’s arm. By design or mishap, the open urn goes flying.

  “Oh my god.” Tessa is on the ground trying to gather the ashes up. Some are already mixing in with the soil. Frantically picking through the grass and sawdust chips, her heart is pounding and she’s near tears. She manages to gather half of what’s left.

  “I’m sorry, Tessa.” At least Dina is trying to help gather the ashes. “We got the largest portion of it, I think. I’m so sorry. I’m so clumsy sometimes.”

  “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to do it.”

  “I guess I’m just upset we can’t go. I had planned this surprise for us, as a special gift. Just you and me.”

  “I know, and it’s an awesome idea. But we can do it next time? If Murphy was eating a little more and not just eating grass and making himself puke, I would consider it.”

  “Maybe it’s time to take him to the vet?”

  “Maybe.” Tessa looks down at him.

  He looks up and wags his tail. His eyes are bright. He runs and finds a stick, brings it back to her, and drops it at her feet.

  “He’s fine in every other way.”

  “Maybe he’s just fasting.”

  “Dina, please . . . can we hold off on the horseback ride? It’s wonderful you found it and everything.”

  “We already promised we’re coming back next year, then we’ll have a whole month. Maybe we can do three or four days or a week-long trip.” Dina smiles.

  AS THEY HIKE to Mt. Edith Cavell, their young legs scale the inclined trail faster than the families with kids, and some of the older people who look hopefully ahead for benches to rest on. One of these seems familiar and Tessa does a double take as the tall older woman crosses the path just in front of them.

  “Madeline?”

  “Oh my word. Tessa. How miraculous.” Madeline hugs Tessa. “So nice to run into road friends.”

  “This is Dina.”

  “Well hi, Dina. What brings you up the mountain today?”

  “We heard there were flowers in bloom up on the shale part.”

  “Ah, lucky you. I’m afraid to walk on the shale anymore. But isn’t this sight just amazing?”

  They all look up as a distant thundering indicates a small avalanche of snow casca
ding gracefully into Mt. Cavell’s emerald green glacial pool.

  “This is one of my most favorite sights in the world. If you ever get a chance to read about Edith Cavell be sure to do it. Fascinating history. Remarkable woman.”

  “Are you staying at the Provincial Park?” Tessa asks, as Dina wanders to the next curve.

  “Indeed I am. Look me up, will you? Oh. We don’t know what each other’s rigs look like, do we? Hmmm. Oh, I don’t want to hold you two up, your friend seems restless.”

  “No worries.” Tessa writes down her phone number.

  “We’ll be here a few days, then I take Dina to Edmonton for her flight out.”

  “Okay, let’s be sure to look each other up. Enjoy the view.”

  “It’s great seeing you, Madeline.” Tessa embraces her. She hesitates, then passes on what she wants to say: All the sights she’s seen and the people she’s met. “Soon.”

  MT. EDITH CAVELL in all her glory faces Madeline. Madeline watches the two young women frolic from shale, to sub alpine and marmots and mountain flowers, to the green pool of the glacial waters and mini avalanches. They’ve done it in a third of the time it would take her.

  Envying their young flexible knees and hips, Madeline figures in a tenth of the time it would take her. How easy they seem to scale the shale, no worries about being too far away from a bathroom.

  Madeline sighs and listens to the quiet roar of mini avalanches falling down the face of Edith Cavell as she remembers an earlier time, and a younger body, and making love in the sun. She laughs, even as a tear falls on her cheek.

  “HONEY? IS IT okay if I take the truck and run into Jasper? I need to send this last assignment to Dr. Lynch.”

  Everything is almost back to normal with Dina. Almost. Dina has brought up the horseback ride two more times, maybe they could go for just an afternoon? Tessa agrees this might be a good compromise, but peevishly she’s still angry about the loss of Sadie in the last campground. And the fact she still has yet to return for the ash drop at the Saskatchewan River.