Lost Paradise

by Tara Fox Hall

  “Do you…um, did you want him to—?” Theo said finally, his words like shattering glass.

  “Theo, shut up,” I snapped. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “We’re going to talk about it,” Theo retorted. “I need to know right now. He’s my enemy!”

  “I’m pissed at both of you,” I said. “You’re both jerks; him for trying to start something he had no business starting, and you, for doing the same.”

  “Then why are you eating food he brought you?”

  “He said were children need a lot of protein, ass,” I snapped. “It wasn’t about him, or me—”

  “Bullshit.”

  “Your baby, Theo. Not Devlin’s baby, not for any kicks, just because he was concerned about me.”

  “I don’t believe that,” Theo spat. “He hates me. Why would he care about my child?”

  Lash had cared about me, until his hatred got the better of him. “I’m not sure,” I said honestly. “But I’m eating this anyway, because it tastes good.”

  “Fine; eat it. But I don’t want you seeing him again. Not for lunch, dinner, or anything else.”

  “Don’t worry,” I said heavily. “I won’t be going to Hayden anytime soon. He won’t be coming here. So that’s that.”

  * * * *

  That night, I lay awake a long time, alone in bed. Theo was putting in some late practice with the werefoxes, and Danial was above me in the study, on a conference call. I was glad of that. I wanted some time alone, to think about my next steps.

  I’d trusted Lash, and he’d betrayed that trust. Sure, the wound wasn’t as deep as the one Devlin had given me, but it still hurt to think I’d extended my hand in friendship, and he’d taken advantage. Maybe Theo and Danial were right about him. In any case, I shouldn’t have to spend any time with him again, so that would make it easier.

  Devlin would not be so easily handled. Danial was obviously not only hoping for a reconciliation between his brother and I, he was avidly working for that in all he did. Some of that was likely to cement his own rights to me, but more of it was he wanted Devlin to be happy. I smiled, thinking with just a trace of bitterness that I’d wanted to rectify their brotherly rift, and accomplished it too well.

  The question wasn’t could I forgive Devlin, because I certainly loved him enough to forgive him. It was why should I forgive him, when being separate would likely be better for us both? He could have what he needed, and I…I could, too. I’d wanted him to love me from afar and pine for me, hadn’t I? This was me getting my wish again. I just wasn’t enjoying it, because all I still visualized when I thought of him was he and Catherine together. It would take me a long time to get over that hurt. Right then, I wasn’t sure I ever would.

  He didn’t love her. He loved you, Sar. Only you. He said so.

  I believed that. I did. But Danial hadn’t loved Angelica, either, and it had still hurt to think about the night I’d come to see him and she had answered the door in my robe, smirking. Just thinking about it upset me again, no matter that she had been dead for years now, and Danial only wanted me. I’d never thought of myself as a jealous person before meeting Danial and Devlin. Maybe I’d just needed the right stimulus to bring it out in myself. Or maybe all the vampire blood I’d had in the last few years was giving me some of the bad qualities of the donating vampires.

  You were jealous of Theo and Tawny, too. And don’t forget the two bitches, Tasha and Aspen.

  All right…maybe my possessiveness and jealousy had nothing to do with vampires, only with my own feelings…

  No maybe about it. And it’s past time you pulled yourself together and stopped feeling sorry for yourself. It’s your life, Sar. Only you can fix it.

  That was true. Maybe my circumstances were bizarre, but I had got myself into this situation. I would find a way to make it work. Danial might have his own agenda with Dev, but he wouldn’t do anything that would compromise my safety. He had always been my shoulder to lean on, a support I had been and remained grateful for. With him helping, I could not only safely deliver my twins, but also find a way to care for them both.

  Theo was clearly not happy about our current situation, but he had been unhappy about how things were since we had returned from out west. That still made me feel guilty, but I shoved that guilt down, and told myself for the first time that it wasn’t my problem, it was his. He knew how things were. If he didn’t like it, he could leave.

  Could he really, though? You bound him Sar, helped strengthen the bond you had so now it’s unbreakable.

  Did Theo stay out of love for me, as he said, or because he couldn’t break the power of our thrice shared magical dream? I sighed, knowing that unanswered question was where my guilt really stemmed from. Only time would tell, as neither Titus nor Terian seemed to know for certain.

  Feeling guilty over what was already done wouldn’t help anyone. Making some goals and a plan to get there would.

  I went over some ideas, then sketched a quick mental plan.

  I would do everything possible to make sure the next few months were as stress free as possible. Until I delivered, my twins had to be my priority, just as Theoron had been my first concern when I was pregnant this time last year. The Lust was done, so the worst third of the battle was already over. If the cooling or heating problem presented itself again in the months to come, I had Terian to help me, and easy access to ice. Camlyn would be there for other questions, this time with data on my first pregnancy. We were no longer operating blind; this time he had tested my blood from the first. Not only was I going to be much safer this time around, but with everything documented, Titus might have enough info to really make another woman—maybe even Harriet—like me. The idea of the other Vampire Rulers leaving me alone instantly buoyed my hopes, flooding me with relief.

  I would be courteous to Devlin, but avoid him as much as possible. Danial would not let him come here without my permission. That would take care of seeing Lash, too. If I kept my distance from Devlin, Theo was bound to relax. That would not only give Danial and I some peace, but also allow him to focus more on the death threats against he and Danial, not to mention his pending challenge with Robert.

  The only sad aspect to my plan was my friendship with Serena, which had begun well and was now effectively cut off. Maybe I could arrange for her to visit me here? At the least, I could find a way to send her a letter. I would work on that tomorrow.

  I snuggled into the pillows, relieved. Though my plan only got me to the birth of the twins, it was still a good start. I would take the next few months to figure out what came after that. Whatever path I chose, I promised myself I was going to do what was right for me.

  Danial came in, shutting the door. “You’re not asleep.”

  “Getting there,” I said, then yawned.

  He took off his clothes, slipped on some bottoms, then crawled into bed beside me, hugging me. “Your mood seems better. I’m glad to see you so relaxed.”

  I hesitated, then told him all of what I had been pondering.

  Danial listened, then nodded. “Having a plan always comforts me. If you doubted I’d help you, let me assure you that I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

  “I know that,” I said, hugging him happily. ‘I know that, Danial.”

  Chapter Twelve

  March became April, as winter faded into Spring. The hardest part of those weeks was seeing Devlin, and Lash, who was always with him.

  The first few times Dev came to the doctor appointments, I refused to look at him. He didn’t speak to me directly, nor did Lash, but I heard the questions he asked as he played the part of the concerned parent, asking how the babies were developing. Eventually, as time went on, I was able to look at him, though every time I did, I remembered him and Catherine. The sadness in his eyes didn’t change anything between us.

  Dev had sent me fire and ice roses with a card the day after Lash and Theo had locked horns. I had kept the flowers, and burned the card, unopened. I would
have thrown the roses out too, but they were living things that had been cut just so that they could bloom for someone before they died. It seemed wrong to me not to give them a chance to live as long as they could. And I admitted reluctantly that I loved their heavenly smell. Danial watched me burn the card, though we didn’t talk about it. A week and a half from then, when the roses began to die, another dozen arrived. Again, they were fire and ice, but there was no card on them this time, or any that arrived after them at regular intervals.

  I didn’t talk to Devlin at all; not at the doctor’s appointments and not on the phone, though Danial talked to him every day, telling him about the baby’s kicking, or how I was feeling. Devlin also didn’t come to the house, though Danial begged me weekly to relent. But I’d had enough of Dev, and Lash too, and refused to see either of them.

  Theo and I were getting along well now. It was a huge relief to have him around most of the time. He and Terian routinely went out together on jobs now, sometimes by machine, and sometimes via teleportation, but they were never gone for more than overnight. Together, they cleared out a lot of the simpler cases, leaving Danial to deal with the more complex ones. With my help on the clerical duties, the Solutions, Inc. team kept pace with the steep increase in workload. Danial had never advertised for his business before, relying on his reputation to bring cases to him. The new website and portal continued to surpass even his expectations for new clients.

  The extra money was nice, too. Danial shared the wealth. Everyone got a hefty raise, including me. I happily socked most of my paycheck away, though I made Danial take some of it for household bills, now that Theo and I were living with him. He resisted at first, but then accepted. Theo also gave a good bit of his pay to Janice and Ivan for watching our house, by way of taking over their salaries from Danial. Weekends, I took the dogs back to spend some time at our house, sometimes with Elle, Theoron, and Theo. I missed my land, missed being there in the spring, missed the garden I wasn’t planting. But I also felt like that farmstead wasn’t where my home was now, leading me to take Theo aside on one of the trips.

  “Theo, I know Danial is getting used to us being there with him,” I began, trying to think about how to word my proposal.

  Theo gave a me a look. “I’m sure he is. So?”

  “Do you think it’s safer to stay with him, after our baby is born?”

  Theo looked at me in surprise. “Sar, are you saying that you think we should live with Danial, stay with him? Sell your house?”

  “I’m asking what you think,” I said, putting my hand on his arm. “I can’t give an opinion, Danial is the only one giving me blood now. Some of his desires have become mine. I miss my home, but I’m content at Danial’s, living there with him, and you. And I know I probably wouldn’t be, if I was getting blood from Devlin as well. So I need you to tell me what you think, because I want our baby to be safe, and you to be happy, and you aren’t in thrall to anyone.”

  Theo hugged me tight to him. “I want to live here with you, and our baby, but not until its safe. Robert hasn’t tried again, but he’s biding his time, Sar. So is Tasha’s father, Karl.”

  “So we shouldn’t make any decision now, is what you’re saying?”

  “Maybe in the fall,” Theo said finally. “Terian is helping me go over leads regarding both of them in our spare time, though we haven’t turned up anything yet. We will, Sar, but we need more time.”

  * * * *

  By May first, I was huge. Stephen informed me during my weekly checkups that the babies were growing faster than normal. Theo was afraid, remembering what had happened to Tawny, but Stephen reassured us that he was planning on doing a C-section, so there was no reason to worry.

  On the second of May, we had a huge birthday party for Theo at the were compound. Everyone had a great time. Theo had said no presents, but everyone had gotten him something, like boxes of bullets, or an extra pair of jeans. I had given him a heavy terrycloth bathrobe of his own to wear, as he’d reluctantly been wearing an extra of Danial’s that was satin. Theo was more of a cotton kind of guy. Danial had also gifted Theo with nightclothes: a few pairs of loose-fitting silk pajama bottoms. While Theo, Danial and I were pretty much used to sleeping in the same bed after a month, both gifts were sure to ease Theo’s persistent homophobia.

  Watching my husband, and how much he was enjoying this, I wondered if Theo had ever a party before. I didn’t ask, because it didn’t matter. Theo was going to get a party every year from now on, complete with a three layer red velvet cake big enough to feed a crowd, like I’d baked him this year.

  And he wasn’t the only one. Danial also was getting a party every year from now on. From his own words, his birthday had never been celebrated, not even back when he was mortal. So a week later, on Theoron’s birthday, I made sure to make Danial his own small cake.

  Danial’s real birthday was sometime in September, but he’d asked that his son’s birthday be the day of celebration. “I was reborn the day you had Theoron,” Danial had said softly to me one night. “Let that serve as my birthday, Sar.”

  That party came together perfectly. Theoron had run amok, tearing through his presents in a flurry of paper, the blunt horns Terian had grown for him sticking out of his forehead, and the devil’s tail sprouting from his lower back lashing in excitement. I’d given Terian raised eyebrows over making my son a devil, but Terian had just shrugged, and said that that was what Theoron had asked him for. When it came to Theoron, Terian was as bad as Danial was at spoiling him. But my mother and stepfather were just as bad.

  Titus had teleported them to the party. My mom had been very uncomfortable with his blackness, downing an entire glass of wine at her arrival. It hadn’t helped when he’d asked her—if she didn’t mind too much—to put her cross under her shirt. My mom had complied, then she’d gone for another glass. Seeing his effect on them, Titus had given me a quick hug, and then teleported back to Hayden. Once my parents got over the shock of their delivery method, they had a great time, loading Theoron with fishing gear, and L.L. Bean clothes. “He’s our only grandchild, so far,” my mom said meaningfully. “Of course we’re going to spoil him.”

  My mother was dropping hints in her usual blunt way, but she had no idea her wish for a brood had already come true. I still hadn’t told her that I was having twins, or that one was Devlin’s. I knew there was a better than even chance that the baby would get Devlin’s eyes. They had only to see the eyes, and they’d make the connection in a minute. I had to tell them, but how?

  Compounding my stress was that Devlin had been invited to Danial’s party. He brought Lash, of course, and the two of them spent the beginning of the evening talking with my parents. I’d noticed it, then dismissed my worry, rationalizing it was normal for my parents to talk to the only other people here they knew. What I failed to notice was that my stepfather had brought a tasting pack with him: a group of small bottles of at least seven different scotches. My stepfather’s pride in his extensive collection proved to be my undoing.

  The first hint was Lash sidling up to me. “Sorry. I let it slip one of the twin’s is Dev’s.”

  I glared bloody murder at him. “You asshole.”

  “Sar, they wouldda had to know eventually—”

  “Sar,” my mother called stridently. “Come over here a minute.”

  She knew, and if I didn’t get over there, she would be dragging me over there by my ears in front of everyone. She’d had a fair bit of wine, too, meaning her normal verbal boundaries, already low, had probably shrunk to nothing.

  I headed over, smiling fakely. Theo came over quickly to meet me in front of my parents, sliding his hand into mine, while managing an almost inaudible growl at Lash.

  My mother got to her feet, and launched in without preamble. “Is it true, Daughter dear?” she said with a bared-teeth smile and hot eyes. “You are having twins with more than one father?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but Theo was faster. “Yes, ma’am. It’s true
.”

  “How could you do this?” my mom yelled furiously.

  The room went silent, all eyes on us.

  We had to get her out of here before she said any more. We needed Titus. I glanced around desperately for help, meeting Terian’s eyes. He nodded, then disappeared.

  “How could you let her do this?” my mom yelled at Theo.

  I squeezed his hand, to tell him not to say anything.

  Titus appeared behind my parents, grabbed one in each burly arm. “Hayden,” he rumbled, and then they were gone.

  I grabbed Theo, Terian grabbed Devlin, and we teleported to Hayden, arriving in the kitchen. Luckily, no one was there. Devlin nodded, then gestured to Titus and Terian. They went into the basement, leaving the five of us in the kitchen.

  “Where the hell are we?” my stepfather asked.

  “My estate,” Devlin replied, grabbing a bottle of wine from the counter. “Its name is Hayden.”

  “Its name?” my mother asked, casting him an odd look.

  “I own two thousand acres, give or take a few hundred,” Devlin said casually. “When I came here, there was only land. But by the time the house was built, I thought it should have a name.”

  My mom, of course, was not impressed. “Why is Sar having your baby? She is Theo’s wife. You are Danial’s brother. Is there something I’m not seeing?”

  “Have a glass of wine,” Devlin said, handing her one. Then he handed one to each of us.

  I swallowed half right off. “This is good,” I said, savoring the taste.

  Devlin froze, then looked over at me hopefully. I looked away, damning myself for breaking the wall of silence between us.

  “It’s a Shiraz called Groom,” Dev answered. “It’s my favorite.”