Pulled

by A. L. Jackson

  “She’s still in surgery right now and she’s doing well.”

  I choked, the relief I felt moments before gone. “Surgery?”

  “She had some internal bleeding, but they have it under control.” He tried to reassure me, but that same dread burrowed deeper.

  I felt my heart breaking as I forced myself to ask the next question. “The baby?” They were less than words and more like a strangled sound in the back of my throat, sticking to my tongue as they tried to pass.

  Dad grimaced. “It’s not good, Daniel.” He closed his eyes, trying to get himself together to play the doctor, before he looked back up at me. “They took her by C-section, and she’s on a ventilator.” He paused and looked away from me, his voice cracking when he whispered, “It’s very early, son.”

  Overwhelming grief shook me as I realized what I’d done. “It was my fault...oh my God...I wasn’t paying attention...I…” Guilt tumbled from my mouth as an incoherent, tangled confession.

  “No, Daniel.” Mom clutched at my hand, releasing the words in a desperate whisper, “The other driver crossed into your lane. There was nothing you could have done.”

  Mom could say anything she wanted, but I wouldn’t lie to myself. Even Melanie saw that car before I did.

  I closed my eyes, allowed the guilt to come.

  Dad’s hold tightened on my shoulder, his voice low and firm. “You don’t have time for this, Daniel. Melanie’s going to need you to be strong for her...and blaming yourself isn’t going to help anyone.”

  “Can I see them?” The need to see Melanie was just as powerful as the guilt I bore. I had to feel her heart beat beneath my hands, to see for myself that she was okay.

  And Eva.

  The thought of my baby girl nearly made me crumble.

  “You should be able to soon. I have to warn you, Daniel,” his voice softened, “Melanie’s going to be on a ventilator for a few days until the swelling goes down around her brain. You need to be prepared that she’s not going to look very good. She also has some other injuries...” he said, trailing off as his focus drifted to the floor.

  “What? Dad...please?” After everything, I couldn’t handle him hiding anything from me. “You have to be honest with me.”

  He sighed. “I know, Daniel, it’s just a lot for you to take in all at once, and you have to take care of yourself too. You have three cracked ribs and a pretty bad cut above your eye.”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”

  He pulled up a chair next to me and I did the best I could to prepare myself for what he would say. He ran the palm of his hand back and forth over his mouth, tension rolling from him as he began to speak.

  My heart fell as he described Melanie’s injuries. She was going to be devastated. But we could get through that. I just had to be thankful she was going to be okay.

  “Tell me more about the baby,” I asked, unable to keep my voice from shaking.

  His head dropped into his hands, and when he looked back up, unshed tears clouded his eyes. His words were barely audible and I strained to hear. “She’s in bad shape, Daniel. She only weighs a little over a pound and a half and she can’t breathe on her own. All we can do is wait.”

  It just didn’t seem real. But I knew what would make it real.

  “I need to see her.” I sat up, struggling to right myself against the physical pain trying to hold me down. “Please, take me to her. I have to see her.”

  “I’ll go out and check. Your doctor was already having your paperwork drawn up to have you discharged.”

  It seemed like the next hour dragged on forever as I waited to be released. We received word that Melanie was out of surgery and in recovery, and they’d let us see her in about three hours. They said I could see the baby anytime. I almost got up and left, but Dad wanted to make sure I was cleared before I started walking around. I couldn’t bring myself to care about my injuries. All I cared about was seeing my girls.

  “Daniel, sweetheart,” Mom cooed to me as if I were five again, but somehow I didn’t mind. Instinctively, I knew she needed to take care of me as much as I felt the need to take care of my own child. “It’s going to be okay.” Worry lines were set deep on her face. I couldn’t imagine the fear my parents must have felt when they got the call.

  “Mom, does Steve know?” I couldn’t even imagine how angry Steve was going to be. He didn’t even know Melanie was pregnant, and now he was a grandfather.

  “Your dad just called a few minutes ago after Melanie got out of surgery. But, Daniel...” She hesitated before she continued. “He doesn’t know about the baby. We thought it would be best if you told him face-to-face.” I was certain that would be the most difficult conversation I’d ever had.

  Dad poked his head through the door. “You’re all cleared. Are you ready to go?”

  I nodded pensively, both eager and terrified to meet my daughter.

  Cautiously, I stood, the ache searing through my chest.

  Mom wrapped a supportive arm around my waist as we followed Dad to the elevator. The gesture wasn’t enough to keep my anxiety from boiling over.

  It was hard to breathe as the elevator door opened to the floor below. I reached out to the wall for support as the window came into view, the one displaying the perfect, healthy babies. Families stood with smiles on their faces, excited to catch their first glimpse.

  Dad stopped me at the sign directing us to the neonatal intensive care unit. “Daniel, do you need a few minutes?”

  I shook my head. I needed to see her now, no matter how scared I was.

  We walked farther down the hall to a window with a woman behind a counter. In a very low voice, Dad said, “Baby Montgomery.”

  “ID’s please.” She began to go through a list of the rules, but Dad cut in. “I’m a consulting physician on the case. I’ll go over the details with them.” He took out his ID and the woman verified it.

  Even though infants were not his specialty, I took comfort in knowing my father would watch over her care.

  Once the nurse buzzed us through double doors, we scrubbed our hands at a sink. I washed beside Dad, my gut twisted in knots, unable to grasp what I was preparing to face. Finally, we entered through a second pair of double doors, the light dim and the room quiet. It was as if I had entered another world. Little incubators sat between curtained walls, nurses quickly and silently moving around the room. Couples sat in rocking chairs next to some of the incubators, a few of them with babies in their arms.

  Fear traveled up my spine and settled in my neck as it all became real. A lump formed in my throat. Swallowing over it, I followed Dad across the room.

  My knees became weak when I first saw her, and Dad reached out to steady me. Placing all my weight upon him, I tried to rid myself of the apprehension I felt so I could focus on my daughter.

  Wires were everywhere—in her legs, in her arms, running through her nose and mouth. I couldn’t hold back the sob when I saw just how small she really was. Her legs and arms were not much thicker than one of my fingers, and her whole body was not much longer than my hand. Her skin was almost transparent, as if I could see every vein in her body. Her eyes were taped closed, and her little chest rose and fell with the machine that kept her alive.

  It was simultaneously the most horrifying and beautiful thing I had ever seen.

  She was so broken and yet so perfect.

  My daughter.

  My heart swelled with love for her and broke all at the same time. “Eva,” I whispered to her, hoping she could hear me.

  “What did you say?” Mom asked, a small smile on her face and her cheeks wet with tears.

  “Her name is Eva. We decided last night.” How long ago that perfect moment seemed now.

  “It’s beautiful.” Mom reached a tender hand out to me, once again, giving me comfort.

  “Can I hold her?”

  Could I? I was terrified, but I’d never wanted anything more.

  “Give me a minute and I’ll check”
Dad walked to one of the nurses, talked to her lower than I could hear. She followed him back and pointed to the single chair that was in the enclosure.

  “If you’ll sit there, I’ll bring her to you.”

  Obviously she was adept at her job as she shuffled wires around and wrapped Eva in a blanket at the same moment she lifted her. Carefully, she transferred my daughter to my arms. I cautiously held my little girl, her chest resting against mine.

  Precious.

  I closed my eyes against the fear and the pain and just loved her.

  It was the only thing I could give her.

  Breathing her in, I committed her unique scent to memory. She smelled almost sweet, like her mom, but something altogether her own. I smiled against her head and cradled her to me, rocking her, murmuring my adoration to her.

  “Please, baby girl, you have to be strong.”

  In silence, my parents stood by my side, each with a hand on one of my shoulders, their support complete and unending.

  I flinched with the flash of light as Mom snapped a picture of us. “Sorry,” she mumbled. I shook my head. I didn’t mind.

  I’d only held her for a few minutes when the nurse said it was time to return her to her incubator. I watched as the nurse settled her back and checked her monitors. As much as I hated the thought of leaving her, it was time to go to Melanie.

  When I reached in to touch her little hand, Eva wrapped it around my finger. I smiled as I felt her against me. I whispered, “I love you,” as I caressed the back of her hand. Longing filled my chest when I turned to walk away.

  The second we were in the hall, Mom pulled me into a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Daniel. You’ve grown into the man I’ve always prayed you’d become.” Swollen and red, her eyes shimmered in the light as she looked at me.

  I hugged her back, needing her support now more than I ever had. “Thank you, Mom.” My voice was strained with the fatigue that quickly set in, the unrelenting pain in my chest absolutely killing me as I sagged against my mother.

  Dad joined in our embrace, drawing us close as the three of us grieved together. He pulled back first. “I think Melanie should be in her room by now.”

  Taking Mom by the hand, he led us upstairs to Melanie’s room. When Dad reached for the latch, I stopped him. “Can I go in alone?” I just needed to be with her by myself for a while. With a nod of understanding, he opened the door and stood aside.

  The room was quiet and dark as I entered, and all air escaped my lungs in an audible rush when I saw her lying in that bed.

  Melanie.

  She was white against the already white sheets, except for the huge purple bruises beneath her eyes. An IV bag hung near her head, the tube trailing down and attached to her wrist. Her mouth was slack and covered with tape that held the tube in her throat, her chest rising and falling at a constant rate. The heart monitor with its rhythmic beeping and the soft, steady sound of the ventilator were the only background noises. A blanket was pulled up over her chest and tucked under her arms, her body a silhouette beneath it.

  Everything else was completely still except for the energy flowing between us. It was all the reassurance I needed to believe that she was really going to be okay. My relief was almost palpable as I released a weighted breath.

  Moving to stand beside her, I took her hand in mine. Her fingers twitched, and I knew she was aware I was there.

  “Hey, Mel.” I placed a soft kiss on her temple and ran my fingers over her cheek, whispering near her ear, “My love. You’re going to be okay.” I settled into the chair next to her, her hand still in mine.

  “We have a baby girl.” I smiled at the image of Eva in my head. “You have to get better quickly so you can meet her.” How much I wanted Melanie to see and hold her, but all I could do was tell her about her. “She’s amazing, Melanie. So beautiful, just like you.” I choked on the emotions, knowing Melanie would understand them better in my touch than with any words I could say.

  I sat by Melanie’s side for hours before Mom and Dad finally insisted I get something to eat.

  “I’ll be right back, baby.” I glanced at her one more time as I stepped outside the room, praying she would be fine until I returned.

  When I turned down the hall, I came face-to-face with Steve. His face was red and contorted, chest heaving with rage.

  “You fucking coward!” I barely registered Steve’s arm cock back before a stinging pain tore through my head as his fist connected with my face. The force knocked me to the ground. My hand went to my eyebrow, fingering the wound where the stitches had been ripped open.

  “Are you insane? Don’t you dare come in here and make this any worse than it already is,” Dad hissed at Steve. I looked up at Melanie’s father. His face full of bloodlust just moments before now looked down at me in horror.

  “No, Dad. He should be angry,” I sputtered as blood flowed down my face and over my lips.

  “Steve, I’m so sorry.” I swayed to the left as I tried to get to my knees, my body threatening to collapse at any moment. “We never should have kept this from you. Please understand. We were on our way to tell you.” I shuddered as memories of the accident flashed in my mind.

  The remorse evaporated as he seethed and leaned toward me, his hands resting on his thighs, his face close enough that I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

  “You expect me to believe anything you say, Daniel, when I get a phone call two hours ago that my baby girl,” he ground out, gesturing to himself with his thumbs and exaggerating the words, “was in a car accident on the way back from Boulder when she was supposed to be staying the weekend with a friend?” His breaths came heavy, and I could actually hear his teeth grinding together. “Then I show up here and ask for her room number, and they want to know if I also want the room number for her baby. Do you have any idea how that feels?”

  I jumped as he abruptly stood and swung around, smashing his fist against the wall, crying out in both pain and fury.

  “Steve, you have to calm down. I know you’re angry, but this isn’t the time or the place for this.” Dad tried to temper the situation, but Steve’s rage only grew.

  “You!” Steve shouted as he pointed a shaky finger at Dad. “You knew the whole time, didn’t you? Every time you passed me on the street, you fucking knew, didn’t you?” Dad’s silence served as confirmation. Steve rubbed his hands over his face, his eyes wild. “Were you taking care of her?”

  Dad’s patience finally hit its end, his cheeks red and his voice low, but sharp and stinging. “Of course I was taking care of her. Would you expect me to do anything different? She came to me!” He jabbed himself in the chest with his forefinger. “Maybe she would have come to you if you paid her a little attention instead of spending every free second drowning in your own self-pity. Did you really not see it, Steve? That girl,” Dad said, pointing at her door, “has been showing for two months! And what did you do? You turned your head the other way.”

  A crowd had gathered, visitors peeking out from cracks in doors, two nurses watching nervously at the front end of the hall. A security guard rounded the corner, and Steve stepped back, raising his hands in surrender.

  “Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

  The hostility bled from him as his shoulders slumped, and Steve turned his face to the floor, his brow twisting in torment. “Please...I just...I need to see my daughter.”

  “Let him stay. Steve, you need to go to her,” I said. Steve seemed unwilling to look at me while he waited for consent from the security guard. The guard gave Steve what he said would be his first and only warning.

  Dad helped me to my feet, and we left Steve to stand in the hall in front of his daughter’s door.

  “Come on, Daniel, we need to get your eye fixed.” While my eye was resutured, Mom brought us dinner from the cafeteria. We ate in silence, exchanging nothing more than the occasional apprehensive glance. It was so hard to just sit and wait, each of us subject to the hands of fate.


  “I’m going to go back upstairs.” I finished my food, tasting none of it, anxious to get back to Melanie. “Dad, could you check on Eva?” I felt an impossible pull between my two girls, wanting to be with both of them at the same time.

  When I returned to Melanie’s room, I found Steve sitting next to her bed with unshed tears in his eyes. He didn’t acknowledge me as I came in, but I didn’t feel threatened by him, either. We both sat in silence, neither of us regarding the other, each of us just there for her.

  I turned when I heard subdued footsteps. Dad came up behind me and placed both hands on my shoulders.

  His voice was muted. “I just left Eva. Nothing has changed since this afternoon.”

  I nodded, both thankful and discouraged at the news. At least she was no worse.

  A few seconds passed. The room was quiet except for the sound of the ventilator.

  “Eva?” Steve whispered.

  My heart broke as her name came from his lips, his heartache unbearable.

  “Yeah, your granddaughter’s name is Eva. Melanie and I picked it yesterday.” I hoped giving him this information wouldn’t remind him of where Melanie had been, but rather help him focus on the fact that he had a granddaughter. I wanted him to talk to me, to ask me about Eva. Instead, he stood and strode from the room.

  ***

  Dad left for the night and I tried to settle in, falling into fitful bouts of sleep that didn’t last for more than a few minutes at a time. Nothing changed, though I woke often just to make sure Melanie was okay, to feel her skin under mine. Then my eyes would flutter closed once again for a few moments.

  My eyes fought against rays of sunlight coming in through the window. I must have fallen asleep. The last time I looked at the clock it was three in the morning. Hushed voices wrestled in the background; I could discern one was Mom, the other familiar, but unidentifiable. They were quiet, but not friendly.

  “For six months? How could you?”

  “What else was I supposed to do, Peggy? She didn’t feel she could come to you. Maybe if you focused a little bit more on your daughter, you would have realized what was going on. She needed you. Instead, she had to come to me. I didn’t mind, of course, I love her like my own, but she needed her mother!” Shifting in my chair, I rubbed my face to get rid my fatigue, before I stood and walked to them.