My Soul Loves

by Barbara Gee

  I turned off the water and dried off. I honestly didn’t want to leave my house, but I was so, so tired of the endless hours of hashing everything through in my head…..over and over and over. Going to church might be a good distraction. Maybe Pastor Dan’s sermon would contain a nugget of wisdom that would help me understand what I was supposed to learn through the process of meeting the best man I’d ever known, only to have him yanked away.

  Maybe. But I was afraid it would take more than one nugget of wisdom for me to be able to see any good in having to choose between my best friend of seventeen years and the man I’d fallen in love with in only two weeks.

  I really really needed to talk to Myla. I couldn’t decide anything for sure until then. Much as I dreaded it, I had to confess to her that I had unknowingly fallen in love with the man who had broken her heart. Then I had to gauge her reaction to see if there was any validity to the oh-so-slender sliver of hope my heart refused to let go of.

  It would be an awfully tough conversation. Myla was finally to the point where she was ready to come back to Hidden Creek for a visit, and now I was almost certainly going to bring all the agony screaming back. At least, that’s what I expected to happen. And if it did, if it crushed her, there was no way I could be with Jude. I couldn’t do that to Myla. I wouldn’t.

  But….what if her agreeing to finally step foot in Hidden Creek again meant she was finally over him? Or at least that she’d made peace with the heartbreak. Maybe after hearing my confession she would tell me she just wanted me to be happy—even if that meant that I was with Jude and she wasn’t.

  See what I mean about that slender sliver of hope refusing to die?

  I got dressed, feeling like I owed Myla an apology for more than the fact that I’d fallen for her ex. All these years I’d wondered how she could be so devastated by a guy that she’d turned tail and run away from everything else she’d ever cared about. She’d given up her family and her town because of heartache, and if I was honest, I’d judged her for that. I’d been so sure I would have faced the pain and moved past it. It wouldn’t have broken me.

  I understood now, though. Completely. Because I’d only known Jude for two weeks, and the thought of not being able to be with him made me feel gutted. If I’d had an entire three months with him, like Myla had, I was pretty sure the army and being stationed at a base far away from Hidden Creek would look pretty darn good to me, too.

  I got dressed, pulling on the first dress I found in my closet, not caring how I looked. How long it would be before I’d be able to talk to Myla? All I could do was leave a message for her to call and then wait until she was allowed to have contact with the outside world. Hopefully that would be before her assignment ended—surely they’d get a weekend off at some point.

  I had fifteen minutes before I had to leave for church—no time like the present to put things in motion. I went to my office and composed a simple email, then I also sent a text and left a voicemail. I figured it was best to do all three, because I didn’t know which she might have access to first.

  I didn’t give any details, just said I really needed to talk to her as soon as she got a chance to call me back. The sooner, the better.

  I prayed it would be sooner, even though I dreaded the conversation with everything in me. I knew it was selfish of me to put it all on Myla, but I didn’t want to give Jude up if there was any chance I didn’t have to. I couldn’t.

  I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes, feeling hopeless and torn. What would I do in her shoes? I would want her to be happy, obviously, but could I give her my blessing to be happy with the man who had shredded my heart? Would I tell her it was fine, only to gradually distance myself from the happy couple and end up losing my best friend?

  I could see that exact scenario playing out with Myla, which made me think I should go ahead and break up with Jude right now, rather than waiting for her to call back.

  Tears threatened again. Maybe that’s what I should do, but I knew I wouldn’t. I didn’t have the strength to break things off with him unless I knew I absolutely had to.

  It didn’t seem right to put Myla in the middle, to use her reaction to determine whether I stayed with Jude or not, but I didn’t know what else to do. I had to know where she stood before I made a decision.

  A sob escaped and I jumped to my feet. Why, Lord? Why give him to me and not let me keep him? What am I supposed to learn from this?

  My head was pounding and I knew I couldn’t stay here going round and round with myself. I’d go to church and get distracted by Priscilla and the ladies and Pastor Dan’s sermon. That would help for a while. But first I had to cancel lunch plans at the Owens’ and figure out an excuse to not see Jude. Not today, or tomorrow, or however long it took for me to get in touch with Myla.

  Who might be unreachable for another six weeks.

  No. I couldn’t think like that. She’d already been out of contact for two weeks—I had to believe she’d get some time off any day now. Then she’d call me, I’d confess, and based on her reaction, I’d make a decision.

  Probably the most difficult one I’ve ever made.

  ***

  As soon as I walked into the church, I saw Priscilla and her pack waiting for me. Her color of the day was mint green—yes, including her shoes—and she immediately approached, looking beyond me hopefully. Like she thought maybe I’d brought along the man I’d told her about.

  “Good morning, Ava Ann. Are you here alone this morning?”

  “Yes, Priscilla.”

  She leaned forward conspiratorially, speaking softly so the other ladies couldn’t hear. “You let me know if you change your mind about Pastor Dan’s boy, okay, dear? He’s very eager to meet you.”

  “I haven’t changed my mind,” I said firmly. And I wouldn’t, regardless of what happened with Jude.

  She patted my arm. “All rightie, then. Would you like to join us at the buffet after church?”

  “Not today,” I said, trying to infuse some regret into my tone. “Thank you so much for the offer, but I have some things I need to take care of this afternoon. Maybe next week.” Because I’ll be alone then, too, and most likely even more miserable and lonely than I am now.

  Rosie stuck her head around Priscilla’s shoulder. “If you ever want to go walking, Ava Ann, you just let me know. Donna and I hit the trail most every evening. Go right by your house, too.”

  That got Priscilla a little riled up, and I assumed her sciatica situation still wasn’t allowing for exercise. She huffed off as I was telling Rosie I’d watch for her and Donna if I ever went on an evening walk.

  Next, Evvie pushed her way up to me, her smile wide. “It’s so good to have you here in Hidden Creek and at our church,” she said warmly, her eyes holding a knowing and grateful sparkle. “It truly, truly is.”

  I smiled at her, resisting the urge to wink. “It’s good to be here,” I replied, “and you have on another gorgeous dress. Where did you ever manage to find such a lovely print? I love florals, and those shades of pink and purple are stunning.”

  Constance piped up eagerly. “Evvie’s taking me shopping this week. We’re going over to Mountain View to check out a few stores.”

  “Sounds like a fun time,” I said, noting how Evvie’s smile grew even bigger. “I’d better go find my seat. I’ll talk to you ladies again soon.”

  I found my customary pew and stifled a yawn as the rest of the congregation meandered in. My sleepless night was catching up with me, and I hoped I could stay awake during the sermon. Of course, that thought took my mind right back to the reason for my lack of sleep, and just like that I was right back to worrying about Jude.

  Hannah hadn’t seemed at all suspicious when I called and told her I couldn’t make lunch after all, due to some last-minute work stuff that had come up. She didn’t ask any questions, just cheerfully promised we’d get together again soon.

  Jude had been harder. I simply didn’t know what to tell him. I didn’t want to come up
with barely believable excuses, because I knew how I’d feel if he did that to me. I’d be devastated if he left me wondering why he was blowing me off instead of talking to me about whatever was bothering him.

  I wanted to talk to him, but how could I? What would I say? “Hey, Jude, I still like you as much as ever, which is so so much, but I don’t feel like I can be with you unless my best friend approves. You know, the girl whose heart you broke so badly she left town? I’m not saying you did anything wrong—I mean, if you weren’t feeling it, of course you had to end it. But losing you wrecked her. She’s only now starting to recover, and if she finds out I’m dating you, it could ruin our friendship. So, if she’s not okay with the idea of you and me being together, I’m going to have to stop seeing you for good. It sucks, but I can’t bear the thought of my happiness making her hurt worse than she already is. You’re cool with that, right? If I have to break it off, you’ll understand why I chose her over you, right?”

  Wrong. He wouldn’t be okay with me choosing Myla over him. It wasn’t his fault she’d been in love and he hadn’t—why should he have to suffer for that years later?

  So what excuse had I come up with for not seeing him today? I had indeed sent him a cowardly text with a barely believable excuse. Told him I was going to go to church and then hunker down in my office the rest of the day because a new contract had come through and Ian had asked me to get started right away.

  It wasn’t a lie—the contract had been approved on Friday evening, and Ian had asked if I’d work over the weekend. Only I’d told him no, that I couldn’t start until Monday, because I had a life. Now here I was, grasping the new job like a lifeline.

  I could tell Jude wasn’t quite sure what to think. First, he’d simply texted back five question marks. I’d gone into a more lengthy explanation about the project, which of course didn’t help anything.

  I wasn’t surprised when he cut to the chase. Jude was a man who faced things head-on.

  Is this your way of telling me you need some space, Ava?

  Seeing that had literally made me cry, because I knew how devastated I’d be if he told me that. But it was true, I needed space. Just not for any of the reasons he was thinking.

  I hated to do it, more than anything, but I confirmed it.

  It’s not because of you, or because I don’t want to see you. I do. It’s just that there’s something I have to take care of, and I need some time to do it.

  Is there a reason we can’t talk about this face to face?

  I cried a little more before I texted back. This time I was more direct, because he deserved more than vague excuses.

  Yeah. There is. If I see you, I’ll cave, and I really need to get some things figured out first. Please, Jude. I wouldn’t ask for space if I didn’t need it. I don’t want it, but I need it.

  What changed since last night?

  I can’t tell you yet. But I will as soon as I can. I’m sorry to be like this. It’s not fair to you, but I can’t help it.

  It was a few minutes before I heard back. Okay. I won’t push you. Not yet. Hope you’re okay.

  At that point, it was all I could do to keep from sobbing. He was probably angry and hurt—and he should be. But instead of venting at me, he’d shown only concern and it made me love him all the more.

  I tried hard to put Jude out of my mind and concentrate on the sermon, but it was impossible. If Pastor Dan’s nugget of wisdom was there, I missed it.

  When church ended, I hurried to my car before well-meaning congregants could engage me in conversation. I drove straight home, forced myself to eat a sandwich, then holed up in my office and worked until I was drained and exhausted enough to finally sleep.

  ***

  I worked fifteen hours on Monday. The new project Ian had given me was an intricate one, demanding total concentration, and I was happy to give it. Work was the only thing that could keep my mind off Jude for an extended period of time.

  I heard nothing from him. I appreciated him giving me the space I’d asked for, but I dearly missed the contact. Several times I’d considered sending him a simple text, something like hope you’re having a good day, but every time I’d decided against it. I’d asked for space and he was giving it. No need to send him mixed signals.

  I repeated the same work schedule on Tuesday, and by the time I finished a late supper, my body was protesting the lack of physical activity. I decided to go for a run on the trail, and I was thankful it was late enough that I wouldn’t have to worry about running into Donna and Rosie. I didn’t feel like making conversation with anyone.

  I also didn’t want to go through the Owens’ yard to get to the trail. I’d noticed an entry point three houses down from mine, in the opposite direction from the Owens’ house, and that would work out just fine. I changed into shorts and a T-shirt, laced up my running shoes, and headed out.

  As I’d hoped, the trail was deserted. The part that ran through the woods was darker than I’d expected, but I could still see okay. Within a minute I was passing my own house and then the Owens’. I cringed when Lulu started barking. Was it possible she’d picked up my scent from this far away?

  She soon quieted, and I wondered if Jude had gone out to get her. I could see him scooping her up and scratching her head while telling her she needed to learn to be seen and not heard. It made me tear up. I missed them both.

  I ran hard, welcoming the burn in my quads and calves and the fresh air rushing past my face. By the time I finished what I estimated to be two miles, I was gasping for breath and my legs felt like noodles. I really needed to do this more than once or twice a week.

  I slowed to a walk when I got back onto my street, giving my body a chance to cool down and recover.

  Back in my own drive, I leaned against the back of my SUV for a few minutes, staring up at the moon and praying. I’d done that a lot the last few days, asking mostly for courage and wisdom, and also that Myla would contact me soon so I knew what came next.

  I’d had three days to think about it now, but I hadn’t changed my mind. If Myla couldn’t handle the idea of Jude and me being together, I’d end it. I had to. I had seventeen years of friendship with her, versus two weeks with Jude. I loved him, I knew I did, but it was a new love. I couldn’t put that above Myla, regardless of how happy he made me.

  To make matters even worse, this was going to be hard for Myla no matter what I did. She’d be hurt to know I’d gotten involved with Jude, regardless of how innocent it had been, but she cared about me as much as I did her. She wouldn’t want to be the one to ruin a relationship for me.

  I’d decided I was going to downplay things. I’d tell her Jude and I had only been seeing each other for two weeks and omit the part about already being in love with him. Myla would be more honest with me if she didn’t know how hard it would be for me to let him go.

  I sighed and rubbed my temples. I’d give up an awful lot for the chance to have a life with Jude Keller. Pretty much anything, in fact….except for Myla.

  As I pushed away from the car, I became aware of someone crossing the grass, and just as that sound registered, I heard a low voice saying my name. His voice.

  I turned and watched him coming toward me, my heart in my throat, tears burning behind my eyes. I drank him in, my whole body going weak as he came closer.

  “Hey, Ava.”

  “Hi.”

  “I was watching for you. I figured it was you out on the trail when Lulu started with her ‘I want to see that person’ bark.”

  “I heard her,” I said, struggling to keep my breathing even. “She has a good nose.”

  He stopped in front of me, hands shoved in the pockets of his jeans. I caught his clean, male scent and swallowed hard, fighting my instinct to go to him.

  My racing thoughts all crashed together.

  I can’t betray Myla.

  I love him.

  She loved him, too.

  It’s not fair.

  How can I give him up?

&nb
sp; My desire to be close to him almost overwhelmed my good intentions. I knew if I took two steps forward, he’d open his arms and hold me close, and the want, no, the need for that was so staggering I could have sobbed with it.

  It took everything I had to keep my feet planted. If it was anyone else, anyone other than Myla, I would have given in. I would have gone to him, wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could, breathed him in, and told him I was forever done with needing space.

  But it was Myla, and to give in would be to put my own happiness above hers. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do anything until I knew whether she could handle seeing her best friend with the man who had broken her heart and changed the course of her life.

  I swallowed hard, my throat aching with emotion. Oh, how I longed for the ignorance of three days ago, before I knew he was Myla’s JP. I longed for that so badly my whole body trembled.

  “You didn’t say how much time you needed,” he said quietly. “It’s been three really long days, Ava.” His voice was low, revealing a mixture of frustration and hurt.

  I swayed. I almost did it. I almost went to him.

  Help me, Lord. Help me do the right thing.

  My feet stayed put. “I don’t know how long,” I finally managed to say.

  I sensed his disappointment, but his voice was calm and even. “Why can’t we talk about it?”

  I twisted my hands together, wishing it was that easy. “I can’t. Not yet. There’s something I have to do first, and I’m still waiting for that to happen.”

  “And you aren’t going to tell me what it is?”

  “I wish I could.” It wasn’t fair, putting him off like this, giving him nothing. But I didn’t know what else to do. “I’m so sorry, Jude. I understand if you’re mad, I just—I can’t explain yet.”

  “I’m not mad, just confused.” He sighed and I was glad it was too dark to see his eyes clearly. I was afraid that would be my undoing. He raised a hand and rubbed the back of his neck. “Okay, maybe I’m a little mad. I don’t understand why you can’t trust me. I’d like to think I could help, if you’d just talk to me about it. But you won’t give me that chance. Do you know how frustrating that is?”