Pigeon English

by Stephen Kelman

  Mamma likes it best when it’s a child who died. That’s when she prays the hardest. She prays proper hard and squeezes you until you think you’re going to burst. Grown-ups love sad news, it gives them something special to pray for. That’s why the news is always sad. They haven’t found the dead boy’s killer yet.

  Newsman: ‘Police are still appealing for witnesses.’

  Me: ‘What do you think the killer looks like?’

  Mamma: ‘I don’t know. He could be anybody.’

  Me: ‘Do you think he’s black or white?’

  Mamma: ‘I don’t know.’

  Me: ‘I bet it’s one of the junkies from the pub.’

  Mamma: ‘Where did you get that from? Lydia, why do you tell him these things?’

  Lydia: ‘How! I didn’t tell him anything!’

  A killer is the same all over the world, they never change. They have little piggy eyes and smoke cigarettes. Sometimes they have gold teeth and spiderwebs on their neck. Their eyes are red. They’re always spitting and they get their blood from the shadows. The pub is probably full up of killers but we’ll only look for the one who killed the dead boy, he’s the only one we knew. If we caught him it would be like getting Forever back. It would be like everything still works the way it’s supposed to. I’ll wait until Dean comes with me so he can be my backup. Detectives only work in pairs, it’s just safer like that.

  If a dog attacks you, the best way to stop it is to put your finger up its bumhole. There’s a secret switch up the dog’s bumhole that when you touch it their mouth opens automatically and they let go of whatever they were biting. Connor Green told us. After he told us, everybody called Connor Green a pervert because he goes around putting his finger up dogs’ bumholes.

  Kyle Barnes: ‘Pervert!’

  Brayden Campbell: ‘Dogf—er!’

  Nathan Boyd can get three jawbreakers in his mouth at the same time. Everybody knows if you swallow one you’ll die but he doesn’t even care. Nathan Boyd isn’t scared of anything. We always try to think of a bigger dare for him to do. It always has to be bigger than before.

  Kyle Barnes: ‘You have to run through the whole school shouting hairy bollocks.’

  Me: ‘You have to throw somebody’s pen out the window.’

  Connor Green: ‘You have to lick that crack spoon.’

  There was a spoon on the grass near the main gate. It was all bent and burned. It was the most disgusting spoon in the world.

  Connor Green: ‘You have to put it all the way in your mouth and suck it.’

  Nathan Boyd: ‘I’m not sucking that, it’s got crack on it.’

  Kyle Barnes: ‘Pussy.’

  Nathan Boyd: ‘F— off. Can I wipe it first?’

  Connor Green: ‘No, you have to suck it like that.’

  Nathan Boyd: ‘Why don’t you suck it? You’re used to sucking dicks.’

  Kyle Barnes: ‘Don’t try and pussy out. You can’t ask us to dare you and not do the dare.’

  Me: ‘You asked us.’

  Nathan Boyd: ‘F— it then.’

  Nathan licked the spoon. He gave it one good lick then he threw it away. I thought he was going to puke but he didn’t.

  Kyle Barnes: ‘That wasn’t even a suck, that was only a lick!’

  Nathan Boyd: ‘You suck it then.’

  Nobody else would suck the spoon. Nobody else would even touch it again. Nathan Boyd is the bravest in Year 7, it’s even official. But even Nathan Boyd wouldn’t dare to set the fire alarm off. When the alarm goes off for real, the firemen have to come to put out the fire. Even if there’s not really a fire they still have to check. If it’s a false alarm and they find out who did it they go to jail. It’s a crime to set off the alarm if there’s no real fire because while the firemen are checking there could be a real fire somewhere else and somebody could die.

  X-Fire: ‘You sure you ready for this? You ain’t gotta do it if you ain’t got the balls.’

  If I was in the Dell Farm Crew Vilis couldn’t abuse me anymore. If I wanted to swap my trainers the other person would have to do it and there’d be no swapping back. I gave my cheesecake to Manik. I got out first. There were some people in the library but the corridor was empty.

  X-Fire: ‘Just break the glass, innit. It’s easy, it’s only plastic.’

  Me: ‘What if it doesn’t break the first time?’

  Dizzy: ‘Just keep going till it does. We need to know you’ve got what it takes.’

  X-Fire: ‘We’ll back you up, innit. I’ll tell you if someone’s coming.’

  It’s best to use the side of your hand and not the knuckles. I can’t run until the alarm has gone off. Everything went proper quiet. I could feel my heart going proper fast like a crazy drum, my mouth tasted like metal. Some people came past. I had to wait until they were gone. Hurry up hurry up hurry up! Sharp-sharp! I wanted to ease myself but there was no time.

  X-Fire and Dizzy were waiting at the doors.

  X-Fire: ‘Go on! Put some hustle in it!’

  I bashed the alarm. I did it proper hard but the glass wouldn’t break. It just made my hand go funny. I tried pressing the glass with my thumb but it wouldn’t do anything. I wanted a hammer. I wanted to run. I looked around for help but X-Fire and Dizzy were gone, all I could hear was them laughing in the distance.

  Dizzy: ‘Pussy boy!’

  I just went red-eyes. I bashed the glass again. It was no good. I just didn’t have the blood. I just wanted to get away before somebody saw me. I ran down the stairs. My legs went like rubber. I thought I was going to crash but I kept going. I ran all the way down the stairs and under the bridge to the Humanities block. I made it to the toilets. Safe. My belly felt proper sick. I think the Dell Farm Crew are my enemy now. That’s what happens when you fail your mission. Adjei, my hands are too soft for everything!

  Mr Frimpong is the loudest singer in church, even if he’s the oldest. He always sings the hardest from all of us. He just wants his voice to be the first one that God hears.

  It’s not even fair. What if he sings so loud that God can’t hear anybody else? Then Mr Frimpong will get all their favours as well. It’s not fair when you think about it. He gets proper sweaty because he always wears a tie and his top button buttoned up.

  Lydia: ‘He probably wears a tie in the bath.’

  Me: ‘Don’t be disrespectful!’

  Lydia: ‘Shut up, creep!’

  Mr Frimpong got so sweaty he actually fell down. He went asleep and everything. The aunties all fought each other to be the first one to help him. Pastor Taylor had to slap his face to wake him up. When he woke up the aunties said Praise God. But I think it was God who sent him asleep in the first place. He probably didn’t like his singing anymore, it’s too loud.

  That’s why they put cages on the windows. It’s not to stop the rogues throwing stones, it’s to stop the windows breaking from Mr Frimpong’s singing.

  We said another prayer for the dead boy’s mamma and one for the police that God will give them the insight to catch the killer.

  Me: ‘What’s insight?’

  Pastor Taylor: ‘It means wisdom. It is a great gift God has given us.’

  Mr Tomlin is probably the wisest person I know. I have him for Science. He can make a battery out of a lemon. I’m not even bluffing, he really did it: all you do is put the penny in one end of the lemon and the nail in the other end. The acid in the lemon juice is electric. The penny and the nail are conductors. Conductors make the electricity come alive. When we connected four lemons together they made enough power for the light to come on. It was quite amazing. Everybody cheered. If Mr Tomlin worked for the police they’d catch the killer in no time.

  I prayed for the insight so I’d ask the right questions. Dean doesn’t believe in it so I prayed for both the two of us.

  Dean: ‘Can you do one for us not getting our heads kicked in?’

  Me: ‘We’ll be alright, don’t worry. They won’t kill us today, they’re too busy getting boozed.’


  It was very risky but interviewing suspects is all part of the job. If you’re going to get scared all the time then you’ve got no business being a detective, you should just hand in your badge and go home. The pub smelled like all the beer in the world even from outside. We tried not to breathe in for if we got boozed (Dean says it clouds your judgement). Everybody who went in or came out could be the killer. They all looked at us like a hungry vampire. We just stayed by the door. As long as we keep one foot on the pavement we’re safe.

  Dean: ‘Who are we looking for exactly?’

  Me: ‘I don’t know. I think he was black but I’m not sure. I only saw one hand when he bent down to get the knife. It could have been a glove. I was quite far away.’

  Dean: ‘Let’s just start with the black ones then. What about him?’

  Me: ‘No, too tall. Our man was shorter.’

  Dean: ‘Roger that. Alright, this one?’

  There was a man by the fruit machine (it doesn’t actually give you fruit, it’s just a game they play in the pub. You feed the machine some money and it makes all the lights flash). He didn’t have any spiderwebs but he did have an earring and his eyes looked deadly like he wanted to destroy everybody. He was shaking the machine to make the lights come on and swearing. Killers always have a quick temper.

  Me: ‘Could be. What shall we ask him? Did you do it?’

  Dean: ‘Don’t be a retard, you can’t just ask it straight out. You have to try and trap him. Ask him if he knew the victim and just see what his eyes do. If he looks away it means he’s guilty.’

  Me: ‘Will you ask him? I’ll be backup.’

  Dean: ‘I’m not asking him. It was your idea, you ask him.’

  Me: ‘I’m not going in there. I’ll wait until he comes out.’

  Dean: ‘I knew you’d do this. I’m not waiting here all day.’

  Me: ‘Go and ask him then.’

  Dean: ‘In a minute. Let’s just see what he does first. Don’t let him see you watching him, we want him to act natural.’

  We got back behind the door and peeked through the glass. The killer finished his fruit machine game and bought another glass of beer. The other men drank their drinks or texted or just watched the boobs of the bar lady even if she was old and looked like a scarecrow. All the time the smell of beer was getting in our noses and making us crazy. It gave Dean ants in his pant. When the suspect came out we had to stop ourselves from running away. You can’t show fear, they can smell it like a wasp.

  Suspect: ‘What’s up lads, you looking for someone?’

  Dean: ‘We’re just waiting for my dad.’

  Suspect: ‘You don’t want to hang around out here, there’s too many arseholes about.’

  It was a trick. He was trying to get rid of us before he gave the game away. He lit a cigarette: another telltale sign!

  Me: ‘Did you know the boy who died?’

  Suspect: ‘Do what?’

  Dean: ‘The one who got stabbed. He was his cousin.’

  Suspect: ‘No, I didn’t know him.’

  Me: ‘Do you know who did it?’

  Suspect: ‘I wish I did. These f—ing kids, they need drowning at birth.’

  Dean: ‘How do you know it was a kid who did it?’

  Suspect: ‘It’s always kids, innit. You wanna stay away from all that shit, boys, it only ends one way. Be smart, yeah?’

  Me: ‘We are.’

  His smoke was going in our eyes. It was another trick to make us blind so we couldn’t pick any clues up. I’m telling you, they’re very clever. In the end we just had to give up.

  Dean: ‘They’re never gonna tell us nothing. As soon as they know they’re being interviewed they just mug us off. We’re not gonna get anywhere by asking, we have to find out for ourselves.’

  Me: ‘How?’

  Dean: ‘Surveillance and evidence, it’s the only way. CSI-style, fingerprints, DNA. That shit don’t lie.’

  I made a thinking face like I knew what he was talking about. Dean’s the brains because he’s seen all the shows. I washed all the beer smell off before Mamma got home from work. She says a man who smells of beer is a mess waiting to happen.

  Violence always came too easy to you, that’s the problem. It always felt too good. Remember the first time you trod on an ant, and with an infant stamp made the moving still, the present past? Wasn’t that a sickly sweet epiphany? Such power in your feet and at your fingertips such temptation! It would take some act of charity to give all that good stuff away. You’d need to be something greater than just another invention of a spiteful god.

  Kyle Barnes stuck his compass in Manik’s leg. Manik screamed like a girl even if there was no blood. Everybody laughed.

  Manik: ‘What did you do that for?’

  Kyle Barnes: ‘So you’d do that.’

  Kyle Barnes chooked him again. Manik screamed again. He was like a squeaky pig. It was like the compass was a fork and Kyle Barnes was testing to see if he was done yet. Asweh, it was very funny. Kyle Barnes loves it when we have a supply teacher. Most of the time they don’t even do the lesson, they just read the newspaper. That’s when Kyle Barnes comes after you with the compass. You have to not get chooked but you’re not allowed to get off your chair. It’s proper hard. I’ve been chooked about three times. It doesn’t really hurt, it just gives you a crazy surprise. There’s never any blood.

  The best weapon would be an umbrella that’s really a poison gun. You think it’s just an umbrella but actually it shoots poison bullets out the end. We were talking about what the best weapons are.

  Kyle Barnes thinks the best weapon is an AK-47.

  Dean thinks it’s a knuckleduster with extra long spikes.

  Chevon Brown thinks the best weapon is a crossbow. But you have to be very strong to shoot it because it’s proper heavy. The arrows are called bolts. They’re longer than you.

  Brayden Campbell: ‘You couldn’t shoot a crossbow. You couldn’t even pick it up.’

  Chevon Brown: ‘F— off, man. You couldn’t even shoot an AK-47, the recoil would knock your head off.’

  Brayden Campbell: ‘Bullshit. I could do it one-handed.’

  Me and Dean: ‘My arse.’

  Me and Dean: ‘Jinx!’

  We said jinx straight away. The curse can’t even touch us.

  I know nearly all the rules now. There’s over one hundred. Some of them are to keep you out of danger. Some of them are just so the teachers can control you.

  Some of them are so your friends know what side you’re on. If you follow those rules, they’ll know they can trust you and then you can roam with them. One rule is, if you and your friend say the same thing at the same time you have to say jinx or you’ll be cursed. If you don’t say jinx you’ll shit yourself for one day after.

  Some rules I have learned from my new school

  No running on the stairs.

  No singing in class.

  Always put your hand up before you ask a question.

  Don’t swallow the gum or it will get stuck in your guts and you’ll die.

  Jumping in the puddle means you’re a retard (I don’t even agree with this one).

  Going around the puddle means you’re a girl.

  The last one in close the door.

  The first one to answer the question loves the teacher.

  If a girl looks at you three times in a row it means she loves you.

  If you look at her back you love her.

  He who smelt it dealt it.

  He who denied it supplied it.

  He who sensed it dispensed it.

  He who knew it blew it.

  He who noted it floated it.

  He who declared it aired it.

  He who spoke it broke it.

  He who exposed it composed it.

  He who blamed it flamed it.

  (All these are just for farts.)

  If you look at the back of a mirror you’ll see the devil.

  Don’t eat the soup. The dinner ladies piss
ed in it.

  Don’t lend Ross Kelly your pen. He picks his arse klinkers with it.

  Keep to the left (everywhere). The right is out of bounds.

  The library stairs are safe.

  If he wears a pinky ring he’s a gay (a pinky ring is a ring on your little finger).

  If she wears a bracelet on her ankle she’s a lesbian (shags it up with other ladies).

  There are more but my memory ran out. My arse means you don’t believe it. It’s just the same as calling them a liar.

  X-Fire wouldn’t let us past. They were waiting outside the cafeteria. They were all standing in our way and they wouldn’t move. You didn’t know if it was a trick or for real.

  Dizzy: ‘What’s up, pussy boys?’

  Clipz: ‘I heard you failed the first test. That’s weak, man!’

  I wanted to be a bomb. I wanted to knock them all down. That’s what it felt like. I kept waiting for him to laugh but his face was still hard like he meant it. Like we were enemies.

  X-Fire: ‘Don’t worry, Ghana. I’ll think of something easier for you next time, you’ll be alright. What you got then, Ginger?’

  Dean went all stiff. My belly went cold.

  Dean: ‘I ain’t got nothing.’

  Dizzy: ‘Don’t lie to us, man. What’s in your pockets? Show me.’

  We couldn’t move. He had to show them or we’d never get past. It wasn’t even fair.

  Dean: ‘I’ve got a quid, that’s it. I need it.’

  Dizzy: ‘Yeah well, shit happens, innit.’

  He took Dean’s quid. There was nothing you could do to stop it. He was very sad, you could tell. He should have put it back in his sock after dinner. I wished I had a quid instead but Mamma only gives me the correct money and no extra.

  Dean: ‘F—ing hell, man.’

  Dizzy: ‘Don’t be fronting me you little bitch, I’ll batter you.’