Pigeon English

by Stephen Kelman

In the end they let us past. I felt sorry for Dean for having his quid stolen but I couldn’t help admiring it. I wish I could make them do what I say. If I was the big fish all the little fish would be scared of me. They’d get out of my way so I had the sea all to myself and all the food in it. I’d only let my favourite little fishes work for me, like when the pilot fish eats all the seadust off the shark to stop his gills getting blocked up (I read about it in my Creatures of the Deep book, only 10p from the market).

  Me: ‘It’s only because I’m black. If you were black they’d let you in the gang as well.’

  Dean: ‘I don’t wanna be in their stupid gang, all they do is rob people. Don’t go with them, they’re numpties.’

  Me: ‘I was only pretending so they wouldn’t rough us too bad.’

  Dean: ‘I hate them, man.’

  Me: ‘Me too.’

  Somebody left an old mattress on the green. There were a hell of smaller kids already playing on it. We told them to get off.

  Dean: ‘Piss off or we’ll batter you!’

  We let the smaller kids watch. I did about ten flips. Dean did about five. It was nearly as good as a real trampoline. I got really high. I was the only one who could nearly do a double flip. Some of the smaller kids cheered. It was brutal. We were there for donkey hours. You forgot about being hungry, you just wanted to get higher every time.

  We were going to own the mattress. We were going to charge the smaller kids 50p to jump on it. It was Dean’s idea.

  Dean: ‘We’ll need some rules though. Only two people on the mattress at the same time and you have to take your shoes off.’

  We were going to make a million. Then Terry Takeaway came and Asbo eased himself all over the mattress. Then you didn’t want to bounce on it anymore.

  Me: ‘Asbo, you dirty boy! We were using that!’

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Sorry boys! A dog’s gotta do what a dog’s gotta do!’

  I made the roof for Papa’s shop proper strong. Papa loved it, you could tell. He said it would last longer than him and me put together. It will keep everything dry when it rains and Papa nice and cool when it’s sunny. We made the roof out of chemshi and wood. Papa made the frame of wood and then we put the chemshi on top. I put the bolts on. He only helped me with the first one, I did the rest on my own. It was easy. When it rains the noise is mighty loud. It makes the rain feel even stronger. You feel safe under the chemshi. You feel strong because you made it yourself.

  It took donkey hours to build the roof. When we finished, the shop looked more dope-fine than before. Me and Papa drank a whole bottle of beer to celebrate. Papa had most of it but I had one bit. I didn’t get boozed, it was just lovely, it made my burps taste like burning. Mamma and Lydia and Agnes and Grandma Ama all came to greet the new shop. They loved it as much as we did, you could tell. Everybody was smiling from ear to ear.

  Mamma: ‘Did you make that all yourself? Clever boy.’

  Me: ‘Papa helped me.’

  Grandma Ama: ‘Was he a good worker?’

  Me: ‘He’s a bit lazy.’

  Papa: ‘Eh! Gowayou!’

  Me: ‘I’m only joking.’

  We hung a lantern from the roof so the shop can stay open at night. The lantern was Agnes’s favourite bit. Babies always love things that hang or swing. They always try to touch it even if it’s hot. She cried when the lantern burned her fingers. I sucked them all better again. I’m the best at sucking them better, my spit has healing in it.

  Papa makes the best things. His chairs are always the softest and his tables are strong enough to stand on. He makes them all from bamboo. Even if the drawers are wood, the frame is still bamboo. Bamboo is the best material because it’s very strong and light at the same time. It’s easy to cut with a machete or a saw. You have to saw with care so you make a straight cut. You have to imagine everything you make is your best.

  Papa: ‘If you can saw bamboo straight, you can saw a leg off. It’s the same thing. This is good practice. Pretend the bamboo is somebody’s leg. You want to make the cut as straight as you can so it will heal properly.’

  Me: ‘But I don’t want to cut off their leg.’

  Papa: ‘You might have to. A doctor doesn’t get to choose his patients. They’re relying on you.’

  It was ages ago, when I still wanted to be a doctor. I sawed with extra care. I pretended like it was for real, I was even trying not to hurt them. When I sawed all the way through and the bamboo fell, I even tried to catch it. I thought it was their leg.

  Papa: ‘Now sharp-sharp, put it in some ice! We can give it to somebody else.’

  Me: ‘But the leg’s bad.’

  Papa: ‘One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. We’ll give it to a bush man, they won’t know the difference.’

  Asweh, it was very funny.

  I don’t know why Mamma has to work at night as well. It’s not even fair. Why can’t babies just be born in the daytime.

  Mamma: ‘They come whenever they feel like it. You were born at night. You were waiting for the stars to come out.’

  Lydia: ‘And there was a full moon, that’s why you’re dey touch.’

  Me: ‘No I’m not!’

  I just wish Mamma was here so Miquita wouldn’t keep coming round all the time. I only let her in after she promised not to suck me off.

  Miquita: ‘OK, OK. I promise. Why you playing so hard to get?’

  Me: ‘Stop disturbing me!’

  Miquita: ‘Don’t be like that, Juicy Fruit. I’m sorry.’

  I unchained the chains and unlocked the locks. I had the potato smasher behind my back for if I needed to chase her away.

  Miquita and Lydia are testing their costumes for the carnival. Both the two of them are parrots. You can only tell from the feathers. Most of the costume’s just a body-stocking. The first time Lydia put it on she looked like a chicken who’d been plucked. The feathers she stuck on aren’t even real, they came from Dance Club. Some are pink. You can’t get a pink parrot.

  Lydia: ‘Yes you can, I’ve seen it.’

  Me: ‘That’s a flamingo. You can’t get a pink parrot, I’m telling you.’

  Miquita: ‘You can get a pink tongue though. Look.’

  Miquita showed her tongue to me. She wriggled it around like a big nasty worm. It was disgusting.

  If a girl has an earring in her tongue it means she’s slack. Everybody agrees.

  Miquita kept showing me her dancing. I didn’t want to watch it. She kept shaking her behind in my face. Adjei, I just had to give up. I went to my room to put the CD player on (only a fiver from the watch doctor at the market). Ofori Amponsah makes the best music for burying Miquita’s stupid voice with.

  Miquita: ‘Where you going Harri, you gonna make your lips nice and soft for me? You wanna borrow my Chapstick?’

  Me: ‘No thanks, Pigface! I’d rather kiss my own behind!’

  Asweh, Miquita looks stupid in her costume. It makes her boobs look too close up like they’re going to jump out and eat you. I even wish there was no such thing as boobs, then you wouldn’t want to squeeze them all the time.

  I only had to come out again to greet the chief, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Miquita was going. She gave Lydia a Nisa bag. They were looking inside it like it was some kind of crazy treasure. When she saw me she tried to hide it but it was too late. Both the two of them made a face like I’d broken some special secret. Then Miquita just split. Lydia put the bag in the black sack with the washing. She poked her head outside and started looking around like for enemies.

  Lydia: ‘Stay there, I won’t be long.’

  Me: ‘Are you going to the launderette? I’m coming! I go beat you at the washing game again.’

  Lydia: ‘Too late!’

  Lydia shut the door in my face. I wasn’t going to take it lying down: I counted to ten, then I opened the door proper slow. I saw the lift doors closing. I ran down the stairs and watched Lydia get out at the ground floor. I followed her proper carefully all the way to the laun
derette. I hid around the corner where I could still see through the window.

  Nobody else was in there. Lydia took just the things from the Nisa bag and put them in my favourite machine. Then it was some funny thing – she got Mamma’s bleach from the washing sack and squeezed it all in the machine, all over the things inside. She did everything proper fast like it was a mission. Her hands were going so fast she couldn’t even get the money in at first. You have to push the money slot in proper hard, if you do it too soft it just springs out again and you have to start from scratch. It took her about five goes to get it right. Then when the machine was going round she took the sack with the real washing still inside and split. She nearly crashed into me outside.

  Lydia: ‘How! Why did you follow me? I told you to stay indoors.’

  Me: ‘What was in the bag?’

  Lydia: ‘Nothing!’

  Me: ‘I saw it already.’

  Lydia: ‘I don’t care. What is it then?’

  Me: ‘Just some stupid things.’

  Lydia: ‘Don’t bring yourself, you don’t even know. It’s only leftover bits from the costume. They were no good, we got paint on them.’

  You always know when Lydia’s lying because her face goes angry (I always smile when I try to lie. I can’t help it. I just have to give up. It’s too risky and it makes me feel sick after). I saw the things in the bag and they didn’t belong to a costume, they were the wrong colour and the material wasn’t shiny. It was boy’s clothes. I could see the hood and the Ecko rhinoceros. There was red all over. It was too dark for paint and too light for Shito. My belly went all cold.

  X-Fire was coming with Harvey. When Lydia saw him she went proper quiet. Harvey pulled at his lead and licked his lips like a hungry wolf. I got my finger ready behind my back for if I needed to stick it up his bumhole. You won’t be eating me today, mean dog! I’ve got a trick for you!

  X-Fire: ‘Did anyone see you?’

  Lydia: ‘No.’

  X-Fire: ‘Best get going, Ghana. He’s hungry, innit.’

  Harvey was pulling and sniffing all around like the air was made of meat. Me and Lydia just split before he got too crazy.

  Me: ‘Mamma go sound you when she finds out you used all the bleach.’

  Lydia: ‘I’ll just tell her it was you. I’m not the one who has to ease myself on a cloud all the time.’

  Me: ‘No I don’t.’

  I don’t have to do it all the time. I only wanted to see what God felt like.

  The number one best trainers are Nike Air Max. Everybody agrees. They’re the most bo-styles of all.

  Adidas is number two. Or if you like Chelsea it can be number one because Adidas makes the Chelsea kit.

  Reebok’s number three and Puma’s four. Puma makes the Ghana kit. Nobody believes me but they do. K-Swiss is also bo-styles. K-Swiss could even be number one if more people knew about them.

  My trainers are called Sports. They’re white all over. I got them from Noddy’s shop in the market. They’re very fast. Everybody calls them pants but they’re just vexed because they go faster than them.

  Connor Green always blames his trainers when he spoons the ball. It’s never his fault, it’s always his trainers.

  Everybody: ‘Spoon!’

  Connor Green: ‘I can’t help it, man! It’s my trainers! They’re not meant for football, they’re only for running! At least they’re not trampy like Harri’s Sports!’

  Me: ‘Shut up, at least I can run faster than a snail!’

  In football nobody used to pass to me. I thought it meant they hated me. Then I found out it’s because I used the wrong command. Instead of saying pass to me you have to say man on. Apart from that the rules are the same as where I used to live. Vilis still doesn’t pass to me but I don’t care. Where he comes from (Latvia) they burn black people into tar and make roads out of them. Everybody agrees. I don’t even want the ball from him, he can keep it. I still close my eyes when I go to head the ball. I can’t help it. I always think it will hurt.

  Vilis: ‘You’re so gay!’

  Me: ‘Gowayou, Potato House!’ (Because he lives in a house made from potatoes.)

  In Maths a wasp came to visit me. He was hanging out on my desk for donkey hours. I was sitting next to Poppy. Poppy was nearly crying. She kept thinking the wasp would sting her.

  Poppy: ‘One stung me when I was a baby. Now I’m allergic.’

  Me: ‘Don’t worry, he’s only visiting. I won’t let him sting you.’

  I tried to make Poppy feel better but it wouldn’t work. She wanted me to smash the wasp but I just made him go on my exercise book, then I let him out the window. Dean opened the window and I let the wasp fly out. Everybody clapped. Poppy was very relieved, you could tell. I stopped her being scared.

  Poppy: ‘Thanks Harri.’

  Me: ‘That’s OK. Piece of cake!’ (That’s what you say when something was easy.)

  I’ve only loved one girl before. It was where I used to live. Her name’s Abena, she’s Lydia’s friend. I only loved her for one day. She’s very stupid. She thought if she slept with soap flakes on her face she’d wake up obruni in the morning. She even tried it. She wanted to be white for one day. She thought if she was white she’d get the diamonds like the lady in the American film.

  Abena is in love with diamonds. She’s never even seen one.

  She put the soap flakes all over her face like paint. It didn’t work, she was still black in the morning. It just made her skin go proper peely. We called her Peely Face. She hated it.

  Everybody: ‘Peely Face, Peely Face!’

  She said it was only a joke but really she wanted it to work, you could tell. Abena’s very stupid. I’m glad she didn’t come with us. Her eyes are too small and she screams if you throw cocoa pods at her like they’re bombs or something. In the end it just got too vexing so I stopped loving her.

  You can use the Computer Club computers for homework or email or the internet. You can’t use them for chat room anymore because everybody kept asking each other what colour pant they were wearing. Now chat room’s blocked. You can still do instant messages.

  Me: ‘Go on, ask her. Ask her what colour pant she’s wearing.’

  Lydia: ‘Why do you want to know? Do you still love her?’

  Me: ‘How! No way, she’s stupid! I was only joking!’

  Lydia and Abena only chat about England and boys. Abena’s news is always boring. It’s only ever about another blackout or

  Lydia: ‘They found the twins.’

  Me: ‘My God! Are they alive?’

  Lydia: ‘Hang on, I can’t type that fast.’

  The twins were lost before we came here. Everybody was very worried. They always kill twins. People in the north think twins are cursed by the devil so they kill them before the juju gets them.

  Lydia: ‘They only found the skeletons. They were holding hands.’

  Me: ‘God rest them.’

  You had to be sad for one minute. I could see the bones. I pretended like a snake was coming out of the eyehole. I wanted to be sad but it wouldn’t come out enough. All I could think about was Poppy Morgan’s lips. They’re lovely and not too fat like Miquita’s. I even watch them when she’s talking to me, they make me go sleepy like a magician. If I had to suck anybody off it would be Poppy Morgan. I decided it today.

  Me: ‘Can we go now? The hunger idey kill me!’

  Lydia: ‘In a minute!’

  Me: ‘Don’t roar at me!’

  Asweh, Lydia’s always roaring at me now. I don’t even know how it happened. England makes people go crazy like that, I think it’s from too many cars. When we used to go to the market in Kaneshie the smoke from all the cars and tro-tros made your head go proper blurry, and they were only about a hundred. Around here they’re about a million. One time I crossed the road behind a bus and the smoke went right in my face: I swear by God, I felt like puking for two days after. I even went red-eyes with everybody. That’s probably the reason why. From today onward going
I’m just going to hold my breath.

  Pounds looks quite stupid. The Queen looks too funny like she’s not even taking it seriously. She looks like she was trying not to smile when the picture was taken, like somebody told a funny joke and she was trying to hold a laugh in. Mamma always goes serious when she pays the money to Julius, I saw it one time when she left the kitchen door open. Her hands go proper fast like there’s dirt on the money and she doesn’t want to get it on her fingers. Julius was watching proper carefully. Even when Mamma finished he counted the money again. He doesn’t believe Mamma can count right but she can.

  Mamma: ‘It’s all there.’

  Julius: ‘Hold on.’

  He licks his fingers before he counts the money. His hands are quite hutious, they’re too big and his rings look proper heavy. He finished counting and put the money in a special paperclip made from silver. There was a hell of other money already there. Asweh, Julius has more means than the president. He drives a Mercedes-Benz. It’s dope-fine. It’s the same car I’m going to buy when I’m older, the seats are the softest and you can all fit in the back and not even get chooked by their elbows. I even went in it when Julius took us to our new flat.

  Me and Lydia played a game: every time you saw a white person you had to say obruni! proper loud. You got one point for every time you said it.

  I won because I’m the best looker and the fastest teller. We saw nearly as many white people as black people. Asweh, it was the most I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It felt very crazy. I loved it.

  Lydia: ‘Ob

  Me: ‘Obruni! Too slow!’

  Lydia: ‘That’s not fair! That was my one, I saw him first!’

  Me: ‘But I said it first. One more point for me!’

  Asweh, when I saw the towers for the first time I even went dizzy. We tried to guess which tower was ours. Lydia guessed the middle one and I guessed the one on the end furthest away.

  I was right.

  Then we had to guess what number floor would be ours. Lydia guessed 7 because 7 is her lucky number. I guessed top because top is the coolest.

  None of us was right. It was 9.