Hasty Resolution

by Mullens, Sam Taylor

  “The doctor will be right in to examine you,” the nurse says as she hands me a paper gown to change into. She shows me where I can leave my clothes. “You can leave your sweatshirt on,” she says before opening the door and exiting the room.

  My leggings and underwear are saturated with blood. I spread the paper drape over my lap as I perch myself on the examining table. I’ve been through this familiar routine several times in my life. I just hope the doctor doesn’t tell me what I think might be happening.

  The gynecologist is a woman. I haven’t had good experiences with male gynecologists in the past, so the sight of an older woman, smiling, wearing pearls, is welcomed. She asks for my medical history, specifically my female history. I go through all my pregnancies, including my miscarriages, deliveries along with the complications that accompanied each one, and ovarian cysts. I don’t forget to tell her that my tubes were tied within thirty minutes of delivering my last child.

  “Now, let’s see what is going on with you today. Let’s have you lie back, putting your head on the pillow.” She pulls out the stirrups for me to rest my feet in. “I’d like to do an ultrasound before I examine you vaginally.”

  As I am lying back, the machine rolls to the side of the table. The doctor places a condom on the vaginal probe. The whirring sound of the machine begins as she gently glides the wand into me. I recognize the sound of the machine, but the other sound I hear is very different from the other times I have had an ultrasound. I identify the sound immediately; it is the sound of a heartbeat, but not my heartbeat. I swallow hard and wipe the tears from my eyes, staring at the ceiling. I am pregnant. My first impression was correct. The doctor didn’t have to say it, but she did. Those words spilled out of her mouth as they had so many times for so many other patients.

  She presses a few keys on the keyboard and then says to me, “It looks like you are about eight weeks along. There is still a chance, it’s a slim chance, but it’s still possible to get pregnant even when your tubes are tied.”

  Something isn’t right, I know it. The heartbeat doesn’t sound regular. The doctor tells me exactly what is wrong, what I already know is wrong. Before continuing, she kindly asks me what term I prefer her to use in regards to my pregnancy: baby or fetus. I fear this may be the only option in my situation I can control.

  “Baby,” I sob.

  “The baby is struggling, really struggling. It looks like your body is trying to reject the pregnancy. The placenta has torn away from the side of the uterus, which is causing the bleeding. This is a very serious situation, as noted from your loss of blood. I need to do a pelvic exam.”

  She rolls the monitor out of her way before gently examining me. The doctor snaps off her gloves, covered with my blood, and tosses them into the receptacle before turning to me.

  “There are a couple of things we can do right now, and it’s completely up to you where we go from here.”

  I nod as I listen intently.

  “I can send you home, but I need to be honest with you. Based upon your blood loss and the heart rate of the baby, the chance of continuing the pregnancy does not look promising.” She pulls around the rolling stool and sits next to me. She places her hand on mine. I’m shaking.

  “First option is we could speed up the process and simply help you pass the fetus here and now.” Tears stream down my face and snot is dripping from my nose.

  “Second option is we could keep you in the office for a while and continue to monitor the bleeding. If the baby rapidly deteriorates, which I think it will, we can take care of everything here in the office by the end of the day. If you lose more blood, then we will have to hospitalize you regardless.”

  She pats my knee in a gentle manner. A nurse slides her head into the examining room and whispers something into the doctor’s ear.

  “Your significant other is rather anxious to see you. Would you like to talk things over with him before you make your final decision? I’d like to do one more ultrasound to see how quickly you are progressing. He is welcome to be in here for the exam.”

  I wipe back my tears. “I don’t think you could physically keep him out.” She smiles and motions for Jake to come into the room.

  Jake rushes to my side. He cups my head in his hands and kisses my forehead. “All that matters is that you are okay.”

  “But, Jake,” I choke out. “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

  “I don’t care. I just need you to be all right.” Jake pulls me into his chest.

  The doctor pulls the ultrasound machine next to the table. Jake combs back my hair as she turns the machine on and prepares the probe. The whir of the machine begins and Jake’s brow furrows. There is a spark of concern in his eyes.

  “Jake, something’s not right. It’s not normal,” I tell him, not to scare him, but to prepare him for what he is about to see.

  Jake sees the black and white baby on the monitor and he squeezes my hand.

  The gynecologist is bracing herself to form the words. “The baby is digressing rapidly. The life source for your baby is the placenta and it is detaching from the uterus. Your baby will not survive. I am so sorry.”

  She quickly turns off the monitor and hands me a tissue. She cleans off the wand and sanitizes the wand before returning it back to its place on the machine.

  “I’ll give you two a moment,” she says before walking out of the room.

  I look at Jake’s worried face.

  “The doctor said we can go home and let things take their own course of action.”

  “Which means what?” Jake asks.

  “It means that I will lose the baby at home. I’ve been through this before. I’m just further along this time. I’ve never been given an option to speed up the process. It makes me feel like I am prematurely terminating a pregnancy; like I’m opting to have an abortion and I don’t want that either.”

  I am telling Jake all this through rivers of tears as my cramping intensifies. I am barely understandable through my sobs and I’m not sure if this is all making sense to Jake. “I am anemic and with my heart condition, I don’t know what to expect. I may lose so much blood that I need a transfusion and be hospitalized for an extended period of time.”

  “Then it’s not worth it,” Jake states. “I’m not willing to risk losing you.”

  “How about you run back to the cabin to get me some clean clothes?” I rub his arm.

  “No! I’m not leaving you here alone.” Jake is adamant.

  “I’ll be fine,” I say dismissively, even though I really want him here with me. “By the time you get back, we will have a better idea of what is going on.”

  Jake doesn’t want to leave, I can’t make him leave, but I finally convince him nothing will happen while he is gone. I think it is best he not be here. Waiting outside in the waiting room would be torturing him further.

  Once Jake leaves the room, the doctor returns.

  “I sent him home to get me some clean clothes,” I tell her.

  “That might be best. Plus, the snowstorm may slow him down and give us more time,” she says. “Let’s do another ultrasound. I think that will be the best way to monitor your condition and make the wisest decision. I would also like to give you something orally to help you through the pain and to relax you.”

  I nod in agreement as the nurse passes me two pills and a cup full of water.

  “I’m going to lose this baby by the end of the day, aren’t I?”

  The doctor nods her head. “I think so, probably within the hour. I’m so sorry.”

  “I’ve never been this far along during my last miscarriages or been under the care of someone in the process. It’s always happened in the middle of the night at my home.”

  I buckle over with a sharp pain in my abdomen.

  “It felt like that, didn’t it?” The doctor points to my belly and I nod when another sharp pain comes racing back. The pain medicine has not kic
ked in, so she thinks I need more. A peri-pad soaks up the blood I am losing. The nurse comes in the room and gives me a shot in my right arm. The doctor manually examines me one more time before I am given another ultrasound. Two hours have passed and there is no sign of Jake. I am expecting him to bolt through the door any minute.

  The doctor presses on my lower abdomen as the nurse replaces the peri-pad. The ultrasound is turned on and this time I know immediately there is no longer a heartbeat. The decision to keep the baby is no longer Jake’s or mine. The next course of action is inevitable.

  In a sterile examining room, which looks like it is also used as a procedure room, the doctor numbs my cervix to remove the pregnancy tissue from my womb. The nurse informs me that Jake has returned and is waiting to see me. I ask they not allow him back to the room until the doctor is completely finished.

  “You need to rest and I will see you back in six weeks. You’ve had an abruption, a separation of the placenta from the uterus. You will have light bleeding, but not like the bleeding from a full-term pregnancy. You need to be taking iron pills while you recover and something for the pain over the next couple of days. Also, some women have an influx of hormones. They are highly susceptible to getting pregnant again. Did that happen after your last miscarriages?” she asks.

  I nod my head gravely.

  “Unless you want to have another child, you’ll need to take the necessary precautionary measures.” She gives me a hug. “You did really well today. Call my office if you need anything else in the next few days and take it easy. Get plenty of rest and let Jake take care of you.”

  The nurse hands me a stack of clean clothes that Jake brought from the cabin. He must be anxiously waiting in the waiting area. I feel wobbly as I stand and hang onto the table to keep my balance. I throw my soiled clothes away in the receptacle and dress myself. I embrace my coat in my arms as I walk out the door to face Jake. The nurse hands me a bag full of needed medication for the upcoming days, along with an ample supply of birth control pills, which I hate, but I’m supposed to start taking after my next period. I feel numb at the thought.

  Jake has already paid for all the expenses of the day. I thank the nurses for their help as I walk to the waiting area door. Jake stands when he sees me. He looks so sad and I feel sorry I made him feel this way. I run into his arms and he holds me tightly.

  “Let’s get you home,” Jake says as he helps me put on my coat.

  Jake opens the office door to catch the elevator.

  It is nighttime and the snow is no longer falling outside as we drive, but it still blankets the ground. I can see why it took Jake so long to come back and forth from the cabin to get me clothes. Jake helps me out of the truck before he backs it into the garage. Zeke greets me with excitement when I open the cabin door. I hang up my coat on an iron cast peg before making my way to the shower. I grimace in pain as I climb the stairs.

  I turn on the water to warm the shower as I undress. When I get into the enclosed shower, I crouch to the floor and allow the warm water to hit my back. I begin to sob uncontrollably on the floor of the shower. I try to calm myself down so Jake cannot hear me, but I know he does. How could he not? My cries must be echoing off the wall of the shower. After I wash my hair, dry off, and put on some warm clothes, I slither in between the bed coverings.

  I want to stay hidden beneath the darkness of the quilt, especially when I hear Jake enter the room. I hear him set down a tray on the nightstand. I peek through the top of the quilt to find Jake sitting on the side of the bed.

  “I’m sorry, Jake. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” I tell him wearily.

  “I know you didn’t, Liz. I’m just glad you are all right. This could have been much, much worse.”

  He pulls me in his arms. “You could be in the hospital right now.”

  “You probably think I lied to you. I wasn’t supposed to have any more babies, that’s what my doctor told me and I hadn’t gotten pregnant for a long time,” I say, wiping away my tears.

  “Liz, I’m not thinking you lied to me. I know this wasn’t your doing.”

  “Jake, you could have been a daddy. Maybe you were meant to be a dad after all.”

  “I know. That idea crossed my mind many times today,” he says somberly as he takes my hand. “Liz, if I had a baby here and not you, that would be the worst thing for me. If the baby turned out to be a little girl and she looked just like you, it would kill me if I looked into her eyes and not yours.”

  He brushes back the hair away from my face, “Besides, what would I do with a baby when I deploy?” Jake asks, but doesn’t expect a reply.

  I’m not sure if I should reveal to Jake what I am about to.

  “Jake, every time I had a miscarriage I got pregnant soon after. Is that maybe something you want?” I ask, but I wish I hadn’t once I said it.

  I cannot believe I am thinking of having another child, with Jake… here… now… in our circumstance. Jake stares at me as he ponders my question.

  “Not if it puts you at risk.” He gazes longingly at me. “Just get some rest.” Jake kisses me on the forehead and pulls the covers to my chin.

  That is probably the last kiss Jake will ever give me. I will be surprised if I ever feel the warmth of his lips pressed against mine again. He probably won’t touch me intimately again. That thought hurts more than any physical pain I am going through now. My heart breaks as I realize the magnitude of my loss.

  I rest and sleep, Jake tending to my every need, doting over me more than ever before. There is not much we can do except hunker down in the cabin. As I look out the window, a light snow continues to fall.

  * * * * *

  It’s been a few weeks since I have eaten a real meal. I only picked at the food on the trays Jake left by my bedside. I pull myself out of bed, feeling a little weak. I spent too much time in bed and only picked at the food offerings Jake brought me. Jake spent many hours holding me, wrapping me in blankets, just lying next to me. He is nowhere to be found in the cabin as I make my way downstairs to fix myself a sandwich in the kitchen.

  As I peek into the fridge, I hear rounds of ammunition ricocheting off the pines outside. Now I know where Jake is, outside pelting a target over and over again with a rifle. Without seeing it, I’m positive each shot lands dead center, as they always do.

  I am feeling better today. I walk out the front cabin door and cup my hands to my mouth to holler from the porch.

  “Jake! I’m going to grill a sandwich for lunch. Do you want one?”

  Jake lowers his weapon. I see a bright smile lighting his face from where I stand.

  “Yes, I’d love one. I’ll come inside in just a minute. Let me put this stuff away first.”

  He jogs to the garage with his rifle in hand; clearly being in the cabin with me was much more appealing than pelting a tall oak with bullets.

  I look around the property. The last snowfall melted quickly and the air is fresh and warming quickly. I see buds on the aspens and maple leaves beginning to form. Spring is soon upon us, a sight that is welcoming.

  By the time Jake enters the cabin, I have a hot sandwich and a bowl of soup I am already devouring. Jake washes his hands in the kitchen sink before eating the sandwich I made for him.

  His lips curl into a smile as he watches me eat. “You look good, Liz.”

  “I feel better. Thanks for taking such good care of me.” I rinse my soup bowl.

  I look out the shutters. Zeke lies content on the porch as he chews on a bone. Jake walks behind me and rubs my shoulders simultaneously and I forget everything that was lost. He wraps his arms around me and leans down to kiss me by my ear. Hairs stand up on my neck as he touches me in that way, a way I thought we would never return to. I turn around to meet his eyes. I feel completely lost as if I don’t know what to do or say. I’ve spent so long avoiding this; terrified Jake wouldn’t want me anymore. I am delighted when he slips his hand behind the nape of my neck to pull me in for a kiss.

&n
bsp; Jake pulls me in for a tight embrace as if he never wants to release me. I find my arms around his shoulders. My heart is beating fast next to his. He presses his lips against my throat. When his hands move down my sides to cup my breasts, I moan and kiss him deeper. His thumb caresses the tip of my nipple as I tremble.

  “You are so beautiful, Liz,” he whispers in my ear.

  Jake leads me to the floor in front of the blazing fireplace, pulls my shirt over my head, and tosses it onto the coffee table. He lifts my left breast to his lips. I arch my back to meet him and rake my fingers over his scalp as he licks me. He flicks my caramel nipple with his tongue as my head falls back.

  Jake gently lowers me completely to the floor and slides my pants off. I am lying on my back, naked, on the rug before him as he takes the rest of his clothes off and tosses them onto the coffee table with mine. Lifting my breast to his mouth, Jake delicately sucks the nipple. I groan at his touch. It sends a rumble echoing through my entire body. I lift his face in my hands and close my lips over his, kissing him deeply. My lips kiss his collarbone and his left pec, where I can feel his heart racing under my touch.

  I am pleasantly surprised when he hooks his legs around my thighs, pulling me into him. “Tell me if it’s too much.”

  I thought I’d never have Jake touch me again.

  “Tell me to stop,” Jakes says to me breathlessly, “and I will.”

  He gently presses himself all the way inside of me. I miss this.

  Jake stills and grips my shoulders. “I should get the box of condoms I bought.”

  I shake my head violently. “If I still get pregnant after everything, then it’s meant to be,” I say with him still planted deeply inside of me. “I just want you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  He rocks gently into me, pulling his mouth back to mine. He licks my lips as he slowly thrusts. We groan in unison. My hair is messy around my face, my cheeks flushed, and my mouth swollen from his.