Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  “Don’t play that game with me. It’s one thing if you want to embarrass yourself. But this school—this journal has a reputation to maintain. A reputation that you should care about,” Lindie said. Her mouth was still moving, but she was apparently too disgusted, furious, or whatever else to make more words come out.

  “Huh?” I looked down at the papers, but none of it made any sense to me still. Most of the papers were photocopies of journal articles from schools with lesser-known law reviews. And there were some other papers mixed in as well.

  “This. You didn’t think I would notice? That no one would catch you?” she screamed.

  My heart sank as I started to catch on to what she was ranting about.

  “This is what you consider a student note?” She raked a hand through her strawberry blonde hair before gesturing to the papers again, apparently at a loss of words at that point.

  I tried to swallow, but my mouth was too dry. It chose that very inopportune moment to imitate the Sahara. I peered more closely at my outline, the note that was supposedly mine, and the student notes from the other schools’ law reviews before me. They all had striking similarities from what I could see. Too striking. But I had nothing to do with any of it. The only thing familiar was the general topic. I hadn’t even used those notes as part of my research.

  “That’s not mine,” I said in a very small voice that I barely recognized. That, admittedly, did not sound very convincing. Lindie gave a cry of disgust mingled with disbelief that made me jump with its intensity.

  “Denise! This is from the thumb drive you put in my box,” Lindie said. My heart sank further, which I hadn’t thought possible. I had given Lindie my thumb drive to check my note progress because I was having computer issues, but—

  “Well, it can’t be my, last semester you saw my—it’s just not mine,” I said weakly. I sounded like such an idiot. A lying idiot. But I was in such a state of shock that I couldn’t come up with anything better.

  Lindie jerked something from her pocket and held it up to my face. Well, it did look like my thumb drive. It was pink like mine. And had a chip in the lower left corner of the casing like mine. Sighing angrily, she huffed over to the computer at the desk. After jamming the thumb drive into the USB port on the front of the computer, she looked over at me pointedly for emphasis. She tapped her finger impatiently on the desk for the few moments it took the computer to register the drive. Then after double-clicking the “My Computer” icon, she clicked on the icon for the thumb drive.

  I let out a little cry of shock as I hastily read the names of the folders on the drive. They were mine. Folders for my outlines, my exam answers, and so on. I held my breath as Lindie double-clicked on the folder entitled “Law Review Stuff.” I scanned the files in panic. The file for my note was gone. There was no file entitled “D’s Note.” Instead, there was a file that shouldn’t have been there. A file I had not put there entitled “Student Note.” So my note was gone. All of my work. All of my research. For a fifty-page paper. Gone. And this impostor in its place. This impostor that could get me kicked out of school in its place.

  “That’s just not mine. It’s—it’s not mine. Someone switched—someone must have switched ’em. Someone took my jump drive. And they put this thing—this thing that’s not mine on it,” I stammered, backing away from the computer. A pain I had never known before coursed through my stomach. I was suddenly grateful I hadn’t had time for lunch. The only thing I was grateful for at that moment.

  “Likely story,” Lindie said with a harsh little laugh of disbelief. “We’ll just see what honor council has to say about this.” She looked a little too happy about that. I had the feeling that Lindie didn’t care if I’d plagiarized my note or not. She just wanted to see me kicked off of law review. She hated me that much.

  “But that’s not mine. My note’s gone. Lindie, please. Someone got my drive. Someone got to that before you.” Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn’t get kicked out for something I hadn’t done. I couldn’t get kicked out in disgrace. I couldn’t get kicked out of law school. My mother would die. I would die.

  “Denise, there are large sections of these notes verbatim in your supposed note draft and outline. And no hint of a footnote. Then again, I guess your whole damned paper would be one long-ass footnote if you tried to do that, huh?”

  “But—”

  “No one messes with my law review!” she screamed. Her face was redder than her hair.

  “I—”

  “I mean it. Leave.”

  “Give me—”

  “Now.”

  “I just—”

  “Out!”

  “You can’t do this to me!” I finally found my voice. But it was too late.

  “We’ll just see about that, you lying, sneaking thief. I knew you weren’t law review material. And now I have the proof. You probably lied your way onto this journal in the first place. Now you’re finally going to get what you deserve.” Lindie pushed me out of the office. And with that last syllable, she slammed the door shut in my face. I sunk down against it, wondering what I was going to do. If there was anything I could do. I didn’t know who was watching and I didn’t care.

  Who would do such a thing? Who could hate me so much that they would want to ruin my life? What have I ever done? What horrible person—

  Of course.

  “Cindy.” I jumped to my feet. I must have looked pretty insane in that moment. Hair sticking up all over my head. Eyeliner and mascara streaked all over my red, wet face. Sweater all twisted up and wet and wild-looking from having been my makeshift handkerchief.

  “What are you looking at? Get the hell outta here!” I screamed at no one in particular, but at everyone in the hallway at once. I have never seen people scatter so fast in my life. Another new hot gossip topic. Ah, how wonderful for them. Glad my life was all the entertainment they could need and want.

  * * *

  I gulped, my mouth acid with fear as I took a very official-looking letter out of my mailbox from the dean’s office, followed by another very official-looking letter from the honor council. It was the Friday after Lindie had contributed to the ruining of my life. I sank down on the ground next to the mailboxes for my apartment complex. The boxes were stationed outside near the parking lot. I didn’t even feel the cold and wet of the concrete beneath me. I felt nothing at all. The world was rapidly falling out from under me.

  I didn’t have to read the letters to know my life was over. But I went through the mechanics of ripping both letters open simultaneously. I skimmed over formalities, procedures, and more formalities. I then hugged the letters to my chest and closed my eyes.

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m gonna be given a chance to present my side alright, I thought.

  It was all going to be over very, very soon. No more law school. Nothing. Less than nothing. Left with fear, bitterness, and anger. Just when I thought life had thrown its worst at me, it was only getting started. It seemed the harder I tried to be happier, the harder life pushed me back down into darkness. I wanted to see life in a less bleak way. A less desperate one. But it wasn’t happening. Man, was . . .enius at screwing up my life. Ironically, it was the only thing I could get right anymore.

  “What should I even care anymore?” I muttered. “You okay?”

  I jumped, startled, at the sound of a voice. How dare someone interrupt my wallowing? I glared up into the confused face of some undergrad who was always hitting my window with Frisbees. Even in the middle of winter. Especially him.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. Don’t mind me. My life is just falling apart here,” I said.

  He jumped back, raising his hands in front of him in some stupid, defensive gesture. “Hey, um, I just want my mail. That’s all. So, whoa, don’t freak out or anything.”

  “Then get it. And go away. Leave me alone. Just get your stupid mail and walk away. Don’t mind the freak show. Watch your step. Don’t wanna get too close. Don’t let life get too real for you. I wouldn’t want
to force you out of fantasy land where everything’s so perfect for you.”

  “But you’re—well you’re kinda in front of my box . . .” he started. His voice trailed off as I shot daggers into his eyes with mine. “Um, yeah, that’s okay. You know what, you just stay where you are. I can totally come back later,” he said. And he backed off, tripping over his feet. Then, he turned around and jogged back to his apartment.

  I laughed bitterly. My bitter laugh turned into a sob. Astoria would have found that hilarious, if I could have found the strength to pick up my phone and press send. But even more importantly, if I could have found the strength to hear her voice. I had been carefully avoiding Astoria since having received the worst news of my life. I knew it wouldn’t be long before she found out, though.

  Astoria cornered me after our trial advocacy class one day before I could leave the classroom. I knew what she was going to say and I’d been trying to avoid this conversation.

  “I knew he would lead to something like this. Should I kill him? Or are you going to?” Astoria said.

  Astoria had been trying ever since the day Lindie threw me out of the journal office to talk to me about what was happening. I hadn’t seen Suse since “the incident.” And I was sure didn’t want to. Suse was spending a lot of time locked away, working on her own note and going through the latest Charles drama. Which made me feel even crappier. I couldn’t even be a good friend to Suse because of the nonsense that was going on in my life.

  “He doesn’t have anything to do with this,” I said defensively, even though I was thinking the same horrible thought as Astoria.

  “Like hell he doesn’t. You know those bitches did this. And you know why they did it, too.”

  Of course I did, but I repeated to Astoria the line I constantly got from John, even though that line infuriated me. “He can’t control them.”

  “Aw, hell. You sound just like him. He done up and brainwashed your ass now.”

  “I knew you would do this,” I said.

  “What? Talk sense?” Astoria snorted, her voice acrid with sarcasm.

  “I should have known. You’ve been against us from the start.”

  “Everything’s been against you two from the start. You know why? ’Cause you shouldn’t be together.”

  I jumped at the sound of John’s voice. “Here we go again. Always with this shit.” I hadn’t even heard him come in.

  “What? I’m the only one using common sense out of anyone in this room,” Astoria said.

  “Sense. That’s what you call this ignorant, vicious noise you’re always putting in Denise’s ear?”

  My eyes kept darting between them as if I was watching some kind of awful, nightmarish tennis game. The words volleyed between them were becoming more brutal with every swing.

  “Well, I’m tired of you leading her on. All you’re going to do is crush her in the end. Leave her broke up and not even care that you did it. Why you playin’ with her emotions like this? That’s what I don’t understand.”

  “Maybe that’s because you never considered the fact that I’m actually in love with her. That’s a possibility you would never allow your scheming mind to consider.”

  “Maybe I’m the only one watching out for Denise because, out of the two of us, I’m the only one who does care for her. What the hell kind of relationship do you two have where she’s crying herself to sleep every night?”

  “Astoria!” I gasped. It wasn’t her place to say that. That wasn’t something I wanted to come out to John. Not like that. With so much hurt and tension in the air.

  “Maybe you should mind your own business, Astoria. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with our relationship. You ever think of that?” John shouted at Astoria.

  “You are what’s wrong with my friend. Every since you came into her life, it’s gotten worse day by day.”

  His eyes were two green flames in his bright red face. He repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists and did the same with his jaw.

  “That’s because you are always in our business. Filling her head with bullshit I’m not even doing.” John said. “Just because you’re bitter—”

  “Don’t you judge me!” Astoria cut him off, screaming. He had obviously hit a nerve. Well, to be fair, both of them were hitting nerves all over the place. “You don’t know nothin’ about nothin’. And you damn sure don’t know enough to be passing judgment on anybody. We ain’t all born with a trust fund and a silver spoon. So why don’t you—”

  “Stop! Just stop. Both of you,” I screamed.

  They both turned to me, glowering, like I was doing something wrong.

  “You’re talking about me like I’m not even here. And you’re tearing each other down when you’re two of the people I care most about. I don’t wanna hear it anymore. No one’s to blame for this but me,” I said.

  John sat down on top of the long, rectangular table at the front of the classroom and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “I’m sorry, Denise.”

  “I’m not. I meant what I said and hopefully you’ll seeI’m right before you finish destroying your life.” I watched Astoria leave, the heels of her ankle books clicking against the tile floor. I had no desire to stop her.

  I went over to John and sat next to him, leaning my head against his. He put his arm around me and I let him hold me, but I left my arms by my sides. He gently stroked my arm for a few moments, saying nothing. He was willing to give me the silence we both needed.

  I was the hard-headed one who broke it. “How’s this ever going to work?”

  I felt him shrug.

  “C’mon, John. Don’t you want it to work? Say something. I’m tired of all this quiet shit. All this shrugging. You tell me what you want. What you think,” I said, looking up at him. I wished I hadn’t. His eyes were full of unshed tears.

  “I’m just sad. That’s all I know to say,” he said hoarsely, looking away and swiping at his eyes.

  “What? I make you sad?” I asked, testing him. He shook his head.

  “John—”

  “No. I just don’t know how we’re gonna make it. Everyone’s against us. Including you.” His voice sounded so tired that it broke my heart just a little bit more with every word he spoke.

  “How could you say that?” I asked, tears welling up in my eyes. I started to pull away, but tightened his arm around me.

  “You know it’s true. I can’t do anything about them. You always try to make it my fault. And then Astoria always gets in it. And she always makes it worse. And people— people hate me, Denise. I think my own parents hate me. Sometimes, I think you hate me. How are we gonna do this?” John said. Something about him saying I hated him killed me a little inside. I knew the end was coming, even though I ignored it like hell. I was losing him.

  “John. I don’t hate you. No one hates you,” I said. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I couldn’t take the chance of seeing his love for me drain out of them. It would have killed me.

  “Ral’s the only person who will talk to me. Nobody else wants to come near me. My roommates make sure I hear every nasty thing anybody has to say about you and me. Sasha’s uncle is threatening to pull his company’s business away from my dad and—and I just feel like I’ve ruined so many lives—”

  “Because of me?”

  “Including yours. Maybe—maybe everyone’s right. Maybe it’s just too hard for people like us to be together.”

  “Black and white?” I pulled back from him. I still wouldn’t look him in the eyes, though.

  “Not just race. Everything, Denise. Don’t you sometimes feel like the bad outweighs the good since we got together?” he asked.

  My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t even want to think about the answer to that question. He had just given my darkest thought voice.

  “John, how could you say something like that? I can’t have this conversation right now. With everything going on right now? With Astoria? W
ith the honor council and everything? With Lindie? With Cindy and the others trying to ruin my life?”

  “All that would go away if I did,” John said quietly. “I don’t know how else to make it stop. I don’t want you to be miserable.”

  “You don’t want you to be miserable.”

  “You’re right. We shouldn’t be having this conversation right now,” John said quietly. So quietly I almost didn’t hear him. With that, he kissed me hard on the lips. I pushed my needy lips back against his. Our tears mingled, hot on our faces. Instead the sighs of pleasures usually between our kisses, there were escaped sobs of fear and sadness. We held onto each other tightly, as if somehow that could save us from the hell we were in.

  Then suddenly, he separated his lips from mine and turned his head away.

  “Huh?” I was perplexed.

  “I gotta get outta here for a bit. I’ll call you later.” “Where you going?”

  “I just need to think. I think I’m going for a drive. A long one. I just—I’m sorry.”

  “For?”

  “For just—a lot of reasons.”

  I started to follow him.

  He turned to face me, shaking his head. “Just don’t, okay?”

  “John,” I called out after him. He stopped again, but didn’t turn around.

  “Hm?”

  “Are we still, you know, together?”

  “What kinda question is that?” He left the room, never turning to look at me.

  “A good one, apparently,” I muttered, watching his retreating back.

  I hugged myself and tried my hardest to remember the last time we’d laughed really hard together. Or had a conversation in which we exchanged no harsh words. He couldn’t be right. The bad couldn’t outweigh the good. It just couldn’t.

  Chapter 17

  SOMETIMES LOVE JUST

  AIN’T ENOUGH

  “Oh, you’re just angry that you can’t be the popular, lovable frat boy anymore huh? I guess I’ve just sucked the life out of you, right? Sorry for being real. I am so sorry I brought you into the real world, John,” I snarled, angrily pushing away from the table. I had invited John over for dinner to try to repair things, but it wasn’t going well at all. John and I had just sat down with our salad. It was one of those pre-mixed salads in the bag. Our frozen lasagna had just finished heating up in the oven and was cooling on the stovetop.