Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  She pulled me aside after John, Terry, Irvin, and Charles started a conversation about basketball.

  “So, why aren’t we friends anymore?” Astoria asked.

  “We’re friends. I just don’t want to be around you too much right now. All you do is trash John and it pisses me off,” I said.

  “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

  “Well, I don’t like it and I don’t need it. Why do you think I’d want to hear all that about somebody I love?”“You don’t love him. You don’t even know him.”

  “I do.”

  “Even if you think you do, he don’t love you.”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re not white. When he’s bored, he’ll leave you for some white chick. Probably go back to Sasha. You never going to be anything serious to him,” she said.

  “He took me to meet his parents.”

  “Didn’t go too well, did it? What you doin’ back so early? I don’t remember you sayin’ . . .” Astoria pretended to look perplexed. For the first time in my life, I wanted to hit her. Right in her loud, fat mouth. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of it. And I couldn’t believe how deeply they were touching on the painful, ugly truth.

  “You’re pathetic. You’re just jealous that I have a boyfriend.”

  “Oh, please. This isn’t middle school. You don’t have a boyfriend, either.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “All you have is a fuck buddy.”

  “We haven’t even had sex yet!”

  “Oh. That’s probably why he’s still around. Just wait until you do. And he gets tired of it.”

  “I’m tired of this conversation. I just knew you would come here starting stuff. And you’ve been picking with people all night. Now you’re back on the same old shit you been on with me for months. I want you out. Out of my house!” I yelled at her. I could feel everybody’s eyes on us, but I didn’t care. I was focused on Astoria.

  “Fine. Forget your real friends,” she said. “C’mon, Irvin. Let’s go.”

  “Out!” I shoved her coat at her. “If you were a real friend, you would want me to be happy.”

  “Don’t push me,” she said in a low, threatening tone. I shoved her toward the door. She pushed back. I moved forward again and someone grabbed me from behind.

  “I think you better go,” John said to Astoria, drawing me close to him.

  “Whatever. You’re dumb. All of you. I don’t know why I waste my time with you people,” Astoria snarled, but there were tears in her eyes. She snatched her gloves from Suse and stormed out.

  I sagged against John, staring at the door. Suse went after her, muttering something about making sure Irvin was driving.

  “You okay?” he murmured, hugging me.

  I turned around in his arms and hugged him back, nodding. I wasn’t.

  “You just wanna go in your room for a while? Cool off?”

  I nodded again. I followed him to my room. We sat on the edge of the bed, my head buried in his shoulder. “You wanna talk about it?” he asked softly.

  I shook my head. I looked up at him. He lowered his head, kissing me softly. I kissed him back hard. I pushed him back on the bed and started tearing at his clothes. He restrained me by gently taking my wrists in his hands. “I’m gonna take this the wrong way if you don’t tell me not to.”

  “I want to. I want you,” I said. He let go of my wrists. “We’re probably going to miss the countdown,” he said as I threw his pants across the room.

  “Do you really care?” I asked, throwing my sweater across the room. My jeans quickly followed.

  “No way,” he grinned, his eyes widening as they traveled downward. I ran my hand over his head and what little hair he hadn’t shaved off.

  “Good,” I said. He caressed the side of my face. I put my hand over his. I grinned down at him, lost in his eyes. The only place in the world I wanted to be at that moment.

  I sighed against John’s lips as he removed my bra and ran his hands over my back. I closed my eyes and arched my back to his touch. He rolled over, pinning me beneath him. I watched as removed his boxers, my eyes traveling greedily over his body. It was the first time I had seen him completely naked. I reached out, running my hands lightly over his perfect abs.

  “Whoa,” he said, grabbing my hand. “It’s really been a while. And it’s gonna be all over if you do that.”

  I grinned lazily at him as he kissed my fingertips. He started trailing kisses down my arm. I moaned softly as he reached my shoulder. His teeth and tongue transported me to a place I’d never been before. He moved greedily over my body, trying to consume me with his mouth and hands.

  “John,” I whispered as I felt his fingers slip between my thighs. They rested lightly on my inner thigh, dangerously close to where I wanted them to be. I pushed my legs further apart.

  “Yes?” he whispered back, his tongue tickling my earlobe.

  “I love you,” I said as he kissed my throat.

  “I know. I love you, too, Denise. So much,” John murmured into my navel, his hands in mine. My name on his tongue almost gave me more pleasure than what he put on his tongue next.

  Nobody came to check on us—they seemed to know we neither needed nor wanted that. And we had no idea what was going on out in the living room. We spent the rest of the night either holding each other or making love. I was on top of him when the sky started to lighten on the other side of my curtains.

  Chapter 16

  TAU GAMMA TERRORS

  The first few weeks back after winter break were a blur. Sasha decided to sic her Tau Gamma Chi sisters at Central on me. That was fun. To add to that, even though Astoria and I had technically made up, we had barely had a civil word for each other since New Year’s Eve. I wondered if our friendship would survive my relationship with John. And school stress was a constant factor.

  The beginning of the end came when we all ended up at some party that a bunch of the third-years threw. Me, John, Astoria, and Cindy and her Tau Gamma Chi crew. Suse refused to come. She had admonished Astoria and I against going, telling us that “nothing but trouble would come of it.” Suse had lost that battle—she lost most battles with Astoria and I. Still, we should have listened to her.

  I drank way too much. John was off with some of his idiot friends I avoided whenever possible. I liked Ral, but he wasn’t there. I stood in a corner with Astoria. We were trashing the Tau Gammas while I wondered what they were saying about me. They’d been following me around and spreading rumors about me for weeks.

  “Why is this bitch laughing at me? Look at her,” I said, glaring at Cindy and the other two waifs. They were standing across the room, laughing and looking in our direction. Something about us was really funny to them.

  “I can think of a few reasons,” Astoria said with a snort.

  I ignored her and drained my cup before setting it on the table next to me. We were standing next to the makeshift bar. A card table piled high with liquor.

  “Here they come,” she said.

  “Of course,” I said, watching them approach me.

  “Denise,” Cindy said. Her two cronies stood behind her, smirking. All three were blonde, tall, and thin. They were low-rent versions of Sasha.

  “What?” I snapped.

  “I thought I’d say hi to you for Sasha,” Cindy said. And with that, she dumped an entire cup of some sort of spiked punch over my head. I saw red and it had nothing to do with the punch.

  I shrieked, pushing my dripping hair away from my face.

  “Oops. Did I get your sweater, honey? Don’t worry, I saw plenty more on clearance at Macy’s where you got that one from. Or wait, is that a Wal-Mart knock-off? I wouldn’t know. I don’t go into such stores,” Cindy said, tapping a perfectly oval, pink fingernail against her chin, just below her frost pink lips. Her harpies thought that was the most clever thing they’d ever heard, apparently.

  I lurched for her. Astoria grabbed my arm.

  “D
enise, no,” she said. I could tell she was struggling to restrain herself as well.

  “You better learn where you belong before much more gets ruined than a cheap sweater,” Cindy said. “You tell Sasha she can go fuck herself!” I shouted.

  “I think you want to choose your words a little more carefully,” Cindy said.

  “What for?” I pushed Astoria off of me.

  “Give it up. How long do you think you’ll last anyway?” she asked with a glare.

  At that moment, I looked up and saw John standing at the edge of the circle that had formed around us. Avoiding my eyes.

  That hurt much more than anything Cindy had said. I brushed away Astoria’s hand when she reached out for me again and stormed out of the house.

  “Denise,” I heard John calling after me. Now he could come to me. Outside. Where no one was looking. I continued down the sidewalk, pretending I hadn’t heard a thing.

  “Denise!” Astoria too. I didn’t stop for them. But I did let them catch up to me. Big mistake.

  “Denise, I’m sorry,” John said.

  “Damn right you are,” Astoria said.

  “Shut up, both of you,” I said, still walking and staring straight ahead.

  “You have to be freezing,” John said. I pushed away his coat even though he was right. I had left my jacket back at the party, and my sweater was drenched.

  “She humiliated me, John. And you acted like you didn’t even know who I was,” I seethed, still not looking, still not stopping. I bit my lip so hard that it pulsed with pain, but that did nothing to stop the tears.

  “See? Told you about things like him,” Astoria said.

  I finally stopped and whirled around to face them. “You. With the I-told-you-so’s! That’s enough!” I shouted at Astoria.

  “But—”

  “Enough, I said!”

  “He’s the one—”

  “Go!” I screamed.

  Astoria stared at me, shockingly at a loss for words. She eventually found a few choices ones for both John and I and then stormed off.

  I turned to John.

  “And you. How dare you?” I screamed at him. He said nothing.

  “You don’t have anything to say for yourself?”

  “I’m waiting for you to finish. You finished?” he said. “Go on. Explain yourself.”

  “There’s nothing to explain. You ran out before I could say anything at all. Do anything. Denise, you were out of the door before I really knew what was happening.”

  “Liar. I saw you standing there. Avoiding my eyes.”

  “Denise, I was still trying to figure out what was going on. I was outside. As soon as I came in, I asked somebody what was happening. And, like, five seconds later, you’re running out of the door like you’re on fire, dripping and apparently trying to freeze to death or something. You really think I wouldn’t care that Cindy did that to you? What, you really believe that?”

  I suddenly felt a little foolish. But I didn’t want to be wrong. So I just stood there, staring at him angrily from under a mop of punch-soaked hair, shivering. He sighed and shook his head. He once again moved to put his coat around my shoulders. This time, I didn’t try to stop him. I let him hug me.

  “So you gonna take me home?” I said.

  I felt him nod against my cheek. “C’mon.”

  He put his arm around me and walked me back to his car. First, I wasn’t great at apologies because I was horrible at ever admitting I was wrong. And second, I wasn’t sure I completely believed John. The hateful cynic in me wanted to believe John wanted me to disappear at that party. It wanted me to accept that I had no place in John Archer’s life; that Cindy was right.

  Back at my apartment, we still weren’t talking. He walked me to my room. I let him remove the ruined, dripping sweater along with my T-shirt and bra, which were in similarly shabby states. I watched him put everything in a plastic bag. I remained motionless, except for involuntary shivering. He unbuckled my belt and removed it. I glanced at him long enough to see that he was avoiding my eyes just as I had been avoiding his. I wondered what was going through his mind.

  I stepped out of my punch-soaked jeans and he tossed them into the bag as well. I wrapped my arms around myself. John went over to my bed, grabbed a throw blanket, and wrapped it around me. He pulled me to him.

  I wanted to say something to him, but I didn’t know how. He seemed to be having a similar problem. I heard him take a deep breath as if he wanted to speak several times, but there was no other sound from him. I hugged him closer to me, resting my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes. I just wanted John and I didn’t want anything to destroy that—us.

  I took a deep breath, trying hard to keep the tears away; trying to swallow them back inside of myself. But I felt it coming. My throat was raw. My eyes burned. My breathing was unsteady. I finally looked up at John. The look in his eyes—sadness and pain and love all mixed together—made me want to cry even more. He gently wiped the tears away from the corners of my eyes with his thumbs.

  “You’re all sticky,” he said with a forced grin. I forced myself to laugh.

  “C’mon.”

  I followed John to the bathroom, my hand in his. He sat down on the edge of the tub and pulled me onto his lap. He turned on the faucet with one hand. The other was holding me. I rested my head on his shoulder. He brushed his chin against the side of my face before kissing my cheek.

  “It’s warm,” he murmured in my ear. We stood together. I let the blanket fall to the floor and stepped out of my panties. John was not shy about observing. Finally, some warmth spread over me.

  I smiled as he turned the knob for the shower. “You coming in?” I asked.

  He had turned to leave the bathroom. His eyes widened as he turned back to me. He seemed shocked I was actually talking to him. I was kind of shocked myself.

  “Only if you want me to,” John said, but he was already undressing.

  “Of course I want you to,” I said, watching the last of John’s clothing hit the floor. I stepped into the tub and he followed. I wrapped my arms around him and let my head sink into his shoulder. His wet, warm hands moved down from my shoulders. He kissed my lips and then my chin. It was almost enough to make me forget why my hair was clumped uncomfortably against my neck—almost. At the thought of that sticky hair, my back stiffened.

  “What?” John whispered into my ear.

  “Nothing,” I said. I wanted peace with John, no matter how temporary it had to be.

  “Your hair,” John said softly, as if reading my mind. He lifted my head from his shoulder and tilted it back. I smiled faintly. His fingers gently kneaded against my scalp. He was pretty good for someone with practically no hair. I sighed, relaxing into his soft yet strong hands.

  “That feels good,” I murmured.

  John murmured assent. He drew me closer to him.

  “I never want anything to hurt you. I want to protect you. You have to believe that. I don’t want to lose you over anything stupid. I don’t want to lose you at all,” John said.

  I nodded, which was difficult with his hands still in my hair. “John, I love you so much. It scares me. I’m worried I won’t be able to do enough to keep you. They scare me because I think they’re right,” I murmured, loving the feel of his fingers against my scalp. He was distracting me into telling too much of the truth.

  “They’re wrong. They’re just bitter, stupid harpies.” John’s voice was hard, but his fingers were gentle, loving.

  But I remained unsure. “Please, John, please . . .”

  “Please what?” John whispered into my ear before kissing it. Our bodies were pressed together. His fingers were still tangled in my hair. His chest moved against mine with each frantic breath he took.

  “Please don’t tell me lies. I can’t stand to love you this much and not know the truth,” I said with my eyes closed. I felt his lips against my eyelids.

  “I am telling the truth. I love you more than anything in this world. An
d anyone who tries to take you away from me will have to answer to me. That includes you.”

  I could hear the grin in his voice. I laughed and relaxed into his hands. I tried to push down all thoughts of panic and fear and give myself over completely to him.

  * * *

  John and I couldn’t find our way to normal. Virtually overnight, we had become the pariahs of the law school. And our law school is a small place. Claustrophobically small. There was no escape from the hell of disapproving glares of the nosy people who were apparently incapable of minding their own business. Astoria had stopped saying so many hateful things about John, but probably only because everyone else was saying them for her. I knew she still didn’t want us together, and she had that in common with everyone. In the world.

  Then Cindy and the other two started causing Lindie to harass me even more. Lindie came to me one day, furious that I hadn’t turned in my cite checks. I swore to her I had turned them in right at the deadline. Little did I know at the time that I had been sabotaged. And they weren’t nearly done with me at that. Shortly after the cite check incident, Lindie came barreling down on me again one Wednesday in January. It was unseasonably warm, but I’ll always remember that Wednesday as the coldest day of the year; possibly of my life.

  I knew it was all over when Lindie came down the hall, screaming at me. She was waving papers and gesticulating wildly. She looked crazy, even for her. People stopped to stare curiously at her as she hurtled herself toward me. Lots of curious eyes darted around corners and snuck glances while pretending to pore over whatever they were supposed to be reading.

  “Office. Now.” That was all she could manage to get out. I had no desire to argue with her after seeing the expression on her face. I stepped into the journal office. She was right on my heels and slammed the door behind her. She then slammed those papers she had been waving around down on the desk in front of her. She looked at me like they were supposed to mean something to me.

  I narrowed my eyes in confusion at her. “Lindie, what is this?”