Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  I gasped. A sharp intake of breath. I suddenly became aware of the fact that I was still breathing. And then the ice shattered. I wrenched my bottom lip free of my teeth. I could taste the blood in my mouth as I filled my lungs with cold, unforgiving February night air. And I screamed with everything I had left inside of me. Anybody who heard me probably thought someone was being murdered. In a way, someone was. At first, I was surprised that no one called the cops. Then, I thought, the bitter truth was that was proof of just how truly inconsequential I was.

  * * *

  I knocked on Astoria’s door. She opened it and just stood there with her arms crossed over her chest.

  “You were right,” I said, clutching a crumpled tissue in my hand.

  “I’m sorry I was,” she said, shaking her head. She opened her arms and I ran into them. All I could do was sob. Somehow, Astoria understood, and somehow, all the way to her place, I’d known she would. There was no “I told you so.” Not even any berating John. Nothing. And that was exactly what I needed.

  Astoria led me over to the couch. She sat me down and patted my back. I heard her walk away, and she came back with a glass of wine. I accepted it gratefully and gulped half of it down before she could even sit back down on the couch. I was also grateful to see she had thought to bring the rest of the bottle over with her.

  I couldn’t believe it was still the same day. The same day as the fight with those nasty Tau Gammas. It shouldn’t have been the same day. I shouldn’t have still been alive.

  “Ugly little bastard. Inside and out. She can have him,” I snapped. “ ’Cause you know that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re probably on the phone right now. Hell, she might be on the way to Virginia by now.”

  “Now, you know that boy is too pretty. That’s the problem. He got you all caught up with those looks.” “Shut up, Stori. Let me have my moment.”

  “I don’t get you sometimes, Denise. Are you crazy?” Astoria sounded both perplexed and a little pissed off.

  “Huh?” I looked up at her, equally confused. She was supposed to be commiserating and comforting—not mean and confrontational.

  “Why would you even want to be with someone like that? Why would you want to waste the talented, cultured, beautiful person you are on him?”

  “Because I love him. I love him and it’s Valentine’s Day Friday and he’s going to spend it with that skank. I just know it.” I burst into fresh tears. Astoria sighed, taking the empty wine glass from me and refilling it. “I know I made one person happy tonight at least. That wench, Sasha.”

  “Don’t worry about that right now. We have plenty of wine and all night. We’re gonna forget about all about both of them. Okay?”

  “Whatever,” I spat, taking the wine glass from her. “You’re right. They belong together. What the hell was I doing?”

  “Being human. You loved him. In spite of everything, I could see that. And as much as it kills me to admit it, I think he did care about you.”

  “Oh, please! Why are you saying these things? You hate him.”

  “No, I don’t,” she said quietly, sinking into the couch next to me. “I think I hated that I was wrong more than anything.”

  “But you weren’t. Look at me. He made a fool of me.” “Yes, I was, and no, he didn’t.”

  “What? So I was wrong? You saying I was wrong?”

  “No. Nobody was wrong. It was just a difficult situation. One neither of you should have been put in. And despite what you may think, I’m really sorry that both of you were,” she said.

  I just stared at her. It would be quite a while before I realized how true Astoria’s words really were. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from her, though. Not ever before, and not until much later after, would she ever say anything so close to defending John. And so very close to the truth. That night, for once since the whole mess with John started, Astoria was the one making sense. Of course, I wanted none of it at the time.

  “Whatever. Just give me more wine,” I grumbled, holding out my glass.

  And like magic, it was over. Not only my relationship with John, but the whole honor council debacle. The day after John ripped the heart from my chest, the day I was supposed to have the hearing, I was called in to talk to the honor council chief justice and the dean. I was told that it was all just a “terrible misunderstanding.” Some miscreant, who—surprise, surprise—could not be found, had tampered with my thumb drive. The chief justice received an anonymous tip. Yeah, anonymous, alright. The only person who seemed disappointed by this news was Lindie.

  So the sneaky bitches had kept their word. Big deal. I still felt dead inside. And they hadn’t left me completely unscathed. My real note still hadn’t shown up. All I had to work with was a very old, very rough draft saved on the school’s network from the past semester that, like a fool, I never updated. My updated file on my hard drive had been corrupted. I had put too much stock in my thumb drive. Much as I had my ex-boyfriend—such empty, cruel, and cold words. So I practically had to start from scratch.

  But I tried to find a bright side. I hoped burying myself in late nights of note writing would help dull the pain at least a little.

  Chapter 18

  BARRISTER’S BALL

  I don’t think I was ever as mad at John as when I found out he was taking Sasha to Barrister’s. Up until that moment, I had been living in my own little world of denial. I pretended John wasn’t seeing anyone. That John didn’t matter to me. Deep down, I knew that neither of these things was true. But that denial let me keep myself from falling completely apart, from becoming nothing more than shards of a broken heart.

  Astoria stood in front of me, waiting for my reaction after she dropped the bomb.

  “What?” I dropped the garbage bag I’d been holding.

  “Why are you surprised? He’s gone to Boston almost every weekend since—well, for a while,” Astoria said.

  “I know he goes out of town. How am I supposed to know where he goes?” I picked the bag up and swiped a bunch of take-out containers off the kitchen table and into it. I was at the breaking point. I was actually cleaning up Tia’s mess. Things were bad.

  “You know he’s with her, Denise. It’s time to face that.”

  “Hmph,” was my only reply as I furiously scrubbed at the countertop near the kitchen sink.

  “So can I tell Erich we’re on for Barrister’s? You, me, Blue, Erich, Suse and Charles?” Astoria asked. Blue was yet another guy Astoria had picked up while clubbing. I scrubbed harder.

  “Whatever. I already have my ticket,” I said, trying not to remember how Suse had given me the ticket John had given her to give to me. We were on that level. He couldn’t even hand me a ticket. And the fact that he was still trying to be decent burned me up, too. He might as well have kept the ticket for Sasha. “I might as well go.”

  “Great. Because I kinda already asked Erich to come with us.”

  I didn’t say anything. I just stormed out of the house to take out the third bag of Tia’s trash I had collected. I happened to look up as a red Mercedes sped by. Even though it was obviously not John’s, that was it. I slumped down by the dumpsters and buried my face in my hands, drawing my knees up to my chest. My entire body was shaking.

  He had gone right back to her. I would have been better off if he had never said the first word to me. All I had left was emptiness. Emptiness because he decided it would be fun to play with me for a few months. It hadn’t been worth it; those few moments of happiness. Hours seemed like days. The few weeks since we had broken up seemed much longer than the months since that first evening at Barnes & Noble.

  He should have just left me alone. He knew we could never work. Why hadn’t he just left me alone?

  But was it fair to say that? Had I been selfish by—

  No. I wasn’t going to allow myself to think that way. It would destroy me.

  “Denise, don’t do this to yourself.”

  I jumped, startled by the sound of Astoria’s voic
e. “That’s enough out of you,” I said.

  “I just want you to listen—”

  “No. I don’t want to hear it. Stop pretending like you care how I feel. You’re glad this happened. Because I’m that friend everybody wants around. The one you can always look to for reassurance that you’re not a loser. The hopelessly, perpetually single friend. The one you can ‘aw’ over and feel bad for. But secretly be glad your life isn’t that pathetic. And you know what? I am sick and tired of being that friend. So you’re just going to have to get over yourself, as hard as that may be, and let me be.”

  “That’s not it at all, Denise. You’re not listening.”

  “I’ve listened to you too much. And I’m right where you wanted me because of that. Be happy. Gloat. Whatever. But leave me alone.”

  “You need to—”

  “I don’t have to do anything. I know you always think you know what’s best for me. But spare me today. I just need to be alone right now. What I don’t need is for you to perpetually try to run my life. And for you to try to set me up with people you know I won’t work with so you can always be in charge. Go run somebody else’s life or whatever. But excuse me while I wallow in despair and disappointment,” I said, pushing past her and leaving her staring stupidly after me.

  I lay on the floor in Suse’s room, wrapped around a box of her mom’s oatmeal cookies. I was safe with her. Suse listened to me. She let me be sad. And most important of all, she let me believe I was right—even when I was dead wrong.

  “So, she just sat there, rubbing it in. All smug. I know she hates John, but was that necessary?” I stuffed another cookie into my mouth.

  “I’m sorry, Denise,” she said. She was beginning to sound like a broken record.

  “I don’t understand,” I wailed. My stomach was all knots. I pushed the cookies away. I’d made the mistake of driving the long way to Suse’s so that I had just happened to go by John’s house. And of course that thing’s Range Rover had been parked out front. I didn’t know why I loved to torture myself. It almost seemed I thought that if I hurt myself badly enough, it would make me stop loving him.

  “I know it sucks. I know it hurts. But you have to know everything happens for a reason.”

  “How he gonna say he loved me? What kind of mess is that when he just went back to her? He made a fool of me and I let him,” I said, ignoring Suse’s words.

  “Maybe he did.”

  “Huh?” Suse was finally saying something I was interested in. I turned my head to face her.

  “Well, maybe it really was too hard for him.” “Hmph.”

  “Have you tried to talk to him since the breakup?” “What would be the point? He made his choice,” I said. I wasn’t entirely sure that was true, though. In fact, I knew it was false. I wanted to hear his voice even if he was an ass. I wanted to know he still knew I was alive. And for him to care about me. I at least wanted to know he missed me. That he was in at least half the pain I was in. I knew it was stupid, but it was also all I wanted. I refused to call him, though. I had at least that much going for me. For all he knew, I could be over him and doing just fine.

  “Well, all you’re doing is making yourself sick over this. I hate to see you so sad,” Suse said. “Maybe this is for the best, you know? The two of you tried. But it’s hard to make a relationship work even when both people are—”

  “Are what, Suse?” I glared at her.

  “You can get angry with me if you want to, Denise. But you know it’s true. Different races? Different classes? Completely different backgrounds? It’s a lot,” Suse said.

  I said nothing. I just turned away from her.

  “Well, I’m going to Barrister’s with regular, plain, black Erich. You and Astoria should be the happiest people on earth.”

  “I just want you to be happy, Denise. And if I thought John could provide you with that, I’d be all for the two of you. But it seems you’ve never been unhappier. Starting almost as soon as you two started dating. How am I supposed to want my best friend to be in a relationship that’s destroying her?”

  “Make up your mind. Stop saying two different things. Anyway, I wasn’t always unhappy. Most of the time, I was happier than I’ve ever been. And it’s destroying me more not to be with him.”

  “Are you sure about that? Ask yourself honestly. Don’t answer for me or Astoria or anyone else. Just answer yourself that,” Suse said.

  I said nothing back. I just kept staring straight ahead. That was the very question I’d been trying to avoid asking myself since before John and I had broken up. Maybe it really was too hard. I knew one thing for sure. It was too hard to love him. But it was even harder to stop.

  * * *

  Astoria, Suse, and I all got ready for Barrister’s together. Astoria was getting on my last nerve. She was convinced Erich and I were getting together because I’d agreed to go to Barrister’s with him. She was planning out all this stuff we were all supposed to do together. And talking about how Erich’s parents had a timeshare up north that he’d talked about wanting to take me to and a lot of other stuff I had no desire to hear.

  My mind was on Sasha and John. I knew Sasha was in Richmond at that moment. Were they at dinner? Were they screwing? How much had they screwed since she’d gotten into town? I bet they laughed about me and John. That it was some giant joke between them. I knew her smug ass was eating it up that John and I hadn’t lasted. I knew she was full of I-told-you-so’s and I-always-knew’s. And I couldn’t stand it.

  “C’mon, Denise. It’s already six-thirty. Dinner’s at eight,” Astoria said.

  I shrugged. I was still in jeans and a sweatshirt, staring forlornly at my dress. I’d had to exchange the dress I’d really wanted for that one because the first dress matched John’s tux and I refused to wear a dress that matched his tux. I’d gotten a simple full-length black halter dress instead. It was fitting. I was in mourning. I didn’t even really want to go anymore. But I knew Astoria would kill me if I didn’t. And it also wouldn’t have been fair to poor, innocent, caught-in-the-crossfire Erich.

  “Yeah, Denise. Your hair isn’t even finished. You have no makeup on. You haven’t done a thing,” Suse said with a sigh.

  “Well, I thought Astoria was going to dress me. She does everything else for me. I’m so helpless. Apparently, I can’t do anything for myself,” I muttered angrily.

  “I’m gonna let that go because I know this is hard for you,” Astoria said lightly. Sure, she was happy. She finally had me on a date with Erich. I couldn’t even look at her.

  “I brought that necklace you wanted to borrow,” Suse said, holding out a silver necklace with a black opal pendant along with matching earrings.

  I didn’t move to take them from her.

  She put the necklace set on the desk in front of me and placed her hand on my back. “Are you sure you still want to go tonight?”

  “Of course she does. What are you talking about?” Astoria quickly jumped in. No doubt to save her master plan.

  I looked up sourly at them both. “I’m not going to back out now. Plus, the only thing worse than staring at them together all night is thinking about them together all night. I spend too many nights doing that already.” I turned away from them and put my head in my hands.

  “Don’t let him have so much power over you,” Astoria said.

  I said nothing. All I could see, hear, feel, taste or smell was John. John kissing me. John laughing. John joking with my dad and uncle. Pulling me into his arms. Raising his eyebrows in that very John way when I said something that didn’t make sense to him. Asleep next to me on the sofa during some movie I made him watch that he had no interest in. John taking up for me at his parents’. The John I had finally gotten. The John who apparently no longer existed, although I was not quite ready to believe that. I couldn’t get him out of my head. And all they could do was to just keep insisting I do the impossible. Easy for them to say.

  “Denise—”

  “No, Suse, that’s
enough.”

  “Denise. Honey. I know what it’s like to be completely in love with someone and have your heart broken. I thought Keith and I would last forever. I had started picking out my engagement ring and cutting out pictures of wedding dresses I liked and even bookmarking wedding web sites. But I had to cut him loose. He had too many problems that I couldn’t help him fix. And now he’s married to that woman. And it’s nobody’s fault.” Astoria’s voice was quieter than I’d ever heard it. “Sometimes . . . it’s just nobody’s fault no matter how badly you want to have someone to blame.”

  I looked up, stunned. I knew how hard it was for her to talk about Keith. She really did want to help. I walked over and put my arms around her. She hugged me back fiercely.

  “Okay, I guess it’s time to grab that shower,” I said with a tried, tired smile. I pulled back from Astoria and grabbed my robe from the back of the desk chair. I was dying inside, but I had to try. I had to attempt to come out of this thing. If not for myself, for Astoria and Suse. They were trying so hard to bring me back to life. I could at least pretend they had succeeded for their sakes.

  * * *

  Barrister’s was held at a hotel downtown. We arrived about an hour after the dance started. That was at least one less hour I had to pretend with Erich and secretly torture myself with stolen glances at John. I walked into the room, pretending that I didn’t even see John looking as good as he wanted to look. But of course I had searched him out as soon as we came into the room. And of course that skank was hanging off of him.

  Erich was a good guy. And he looked good in his tux. But I had no desire to be there with him, and I only paid attention to him when I knew John was looking at me. For instance, as soon as I saw John noticing me after I walked into the room, I turned to Erich immediately. From the corner of my eye, I saw John tap Ral on the shoulder and start talking to him.