Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum)

by Green, Nicole

  I could tell as the night wore on that John was pretty drunk. And I had seen him and some of the other guys surreptitiously pull out flasks more than once that night. Ral seemed to be getting pretty fed up with it all. He and his date moved to the outer edge of the group. Sasha spent most of the night huddled around with those horrible cookie-cutter Tau Gamma Chi girls. They seemed really excited about something. I had no doubt it had something to do with John. Sasha was certainly the center of their attention.

  As the night wore on, I wanted to be there less and less. Especially once when John looked dead at me. My heart pounded as his eyes burned into mine. For a moment I was crazy enough to think he was coming over. Then he chose a seat at his table that put his back completely to me.

  “Want to dance?” I said to Erich shortly after John decided all I would see was his back for the rest of the night.

  Erich looked shocked, and I couldn’t blame him. I’d made every excuse possible to avoid dancing with him until he’d just stopped asking. Eventually, he nodded.

  I led Erich out on the dance floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw John and Sasha already out there. I pulled Erich to me by his hips and started grinding my body against his.

  “What’s going on with you?” Erich asked, seeming bewildered yet pleased.

  “Do you really care?” I grinned, wrapping my arms around him.

  “I just hope whatever it is doesn’t get out anytime soon.”

  I smiled. But inside, I was seething with rage. I wanted to tear John apart. And his little Sasha, too.

  Erich and I danced too closely and slowly for the beat. We danced for most of the rest of the night. I was surprised Astoria could keep herself from leaping around the room with joy. And I was surprised the rage burning me up inside didn’t show on the outside; that I could focus it all on my efforts to make myself want to be with Erich. That I could turn it into way more dancing than I had endurance for, especially wearing stilettos.

  I continued to watch John from across the room whether I was dancing or sitting, even though he went to great lengths to avoid looking my way. I stole a glance whenever I could in a way that wouldn’t provoke a kick under the table or an elbow from Astoria. And whenever she caught me, Sasha would bore her eyes into me, no doubt willing me to drop dead on the spot. I hadn’t been in the same room with John much since our breakup. We didn’t have any classes together that semester and we made a point of avoiding each other.

  Once or twice I caught his eye that night. When I did, he would glare at me and I glared right back. Then, he would then turn completely away from me and pull Sasha close to him. Not that she was ever that far from him at any point in the night. I was enjoying hating them, loathing them. It was all I really had left. Besides Astoria annoying the hell out of me and a date I didn’t really want.

  By the end of the night, Astoria was wrapped up in Blue, Suse in Charles, and I was trying to wrap myself up in Erich. But it was hard when my eyes kept traveling across the room to where John was. I didn’t want anything to do with Erich; at least not in the way he and Astoria wanted me to. I was so angry and disappointed that I was quite surprised I could keep a smile plastered on my face all night.

  My stomach was killing me. One good thing, if you could call it that, was that I’d lost about ten pounds since John and I had broken up. I was so disgusted with him— and myself—I couldn’t even eat. My head hurt. My eyes hurt. All I really wanted to do was go home and cry.

  I watched a few straggling couples drag themselves across the dance floor. The DJ looked like she wanted to go home worse than I did. Erich tapped me on the arm and I looked up at him.

  “You want to go?” Erich put his hand on my back. “Get ready for the party?”

  “Sure,” I said. I knew he was probably tired of me staring across the room. I’d caught him catching me staring a few times. I turned to the rest of the table. “You guys ready to change and head over to the party?” I didn’t really want to go to the party, but I felt obliged to keep up my act.

  Everyone agreed that it was time to leave. Erich got up. I followed quickly behind. I had spotted John disappearing out of the door. I didn’t give Astoria or Suse a chance to object.

  I saw John outside. Erich was getting the car. I walked up to him and he turned to me, his face blank. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to walk up to him. I didn’t want to talk to him. But I couldn’t stop myself.

  “Why?” I asked, choking back tears.

  “We’re engaged,” John said bluntly, slurring his words a little. The bottom dropped out of my stomach. Okay. That, I really hadn’t needed to know. I gasped audibly despite my efforts not to react. I clenched my purse tightly in my hands to keep from screaming.

  “You’re what?”

  “It’s not like we were ever going to make it, Denise. It was just never going to work out for us. Because you’re determined it’s not,” John said.

  “You’re what?”

  “I mean, what do you want me to do? What can I say? I tried. You were working against us the whole time.” “You’re the one with the racist parents.”

  “That’s my parents’ problem. Not mine.”

  “Yeah, like you’re going to go against them for me forever.”

  “See? There you go. We never had a chance because you never let us have a chance. You were defeatist from the beginning.”

  “So you’re marrying her?”

  “Well, if I’m not going to be with you, I might as well be with her.”

  “Excuses. Lies. You never loved me!”

  “I love the hell out of you. Don’t you even start with that tonight. You don’t love me enough, or yourself enough, or whatever. But the point is, Denise, you wouldn’t let us happen. You did this to us. And I will not carry that blame around for you,” John said. And before I could say another word, he stormed off to an Escalade full of his jackass friends.

  I was fuming at the after-party. John was engaged. So that was what the harpies had been so excited about at the dance. I was so angry, I didn’t even want to drink. I was afraid of what I’d do if I drank. I sat in a corner by myself most of the time. Erich had given up on me almost immediately after we’d gotten to the party. He started talking to a group of girls once Astoria and Blue disappeared.

  Not that there had been a real chance of me and John getting back together, but the news John had so callously given me had crushed any chance of a dream of a hope I might have ever had. He’d told me many times he’d never really loved Sasha. Not the way he’d loved me. And even that night, when he’d told me about the engagement, he hadn’t mentioned loving her. It was beyond ridiculous that they were engaged. I couldn’t stand the thought.

  I had to stay angry. I had to stay outraged. If I didn’t, I would dissolve into tears. And I was afraid that if I did that, I’d never be able to stop crying.

  I pulled out my phone with a sigh once I felt it vibrate against me. I flipped it open. A new text message. From John?

  Hey. I got a room downtown. Wanna come down here? It read.

  Where’s wifey? I texted back, sneering at my phone.

  Not here. I left the party we were at early. I was bored. And I wanted to see you, he texted back.

  My heart nearly stopped. For what? You’re getting married. Go find her.

  She’s not you, Denise. Can I please see you tonight? I need to see you.

  I sat there in silence, staring down at my phone, wondering what kind of games he was playing. And wondering if I wanted to get wrapped up in such games. I definitely knew it wasn’t smart to get involved in such games. Well, objectively, I knew that. Another text. I opened the message. He’d texted me the hotel’s address. I closed my eyes and sighed. Shaking my head, very disappointed with myself as I did it, I texted him back that I would be over soon.

  I stood up and walked over to Erich slowly, wondering if there was even any point in telling him.

  “What?” Erich looked up at me, eyes glazed. At least he was
too drunk to care. Hopefully.

  “I’m leaving. Tia just texted me. She’s really sick and she asked me to come home. You gonna be okay getting home if I leave?” I couldn’t believe how fluid the lie was. I was even more ashamed of myself than I’d been texting John. I had driven Erich and he’d left his car at his apartment since I hadn’t planned to drink.

  “Sure.” He smiled.

  I wondered why he wasn’t pushing the issue, but I was glad that he wasn’t. I assumed it had something to do with the girls surrounding him. I went to find Suse and feed her the same lie before heading out. I didn’t know where Astoria was, but I knew she was too preoccupied with Blue to worry about where I was going and why Erich wasn’t going with me. And I was afraid she would figure it out if I did talk to her. It was bad enough Suse was suspicious. But luckily, Suse didn’t press me. I did my best not to give her time to, either.

  John opened the door and grabbed my wrist. He pulled me in before I could say a word. It was dark, but I could feel his lecherous, alcohol-clouded eyes all over me.

  “Wait a minute.” I pulled away from him.

  “Look. I didn’t ask you to come over here to talk. Talking doesn’t work for us,” he said, already leading me from the front of the suite into the bedroom. I had a million questions. Whose suite was this? Did he get it for an after-party? If he had, why were we the only two there? Had he planned this? Had he planned to bring his future wife there originally?

  “I don’t want it to be like this.”

  “Look,” John sighed angrily, letting go of me. He flipped on the light. My heart hurt. He was so gorgeous, standing there in just his boxers. My eyes raked over his abs. Those arms. I wanted those deep green eyes to look at me the way they had before everything had gone wrong. For just a moment, I thought I saw a flicker of—

  “John—”

  And it was gone. “No. You know I didn’t invite you over here at four in the morning to watch television. You know what this is. And if you want to act like you don’t, then you can leave. We had this discussion at the dance.

  We’re not having it again,” John said. He closed those beautiful eyes to me completely. All I saw was coldness.

  “Fine,” I said, trying to make my voice steely. But it was hard enough just to keep it from shaking, and I wasn’t sure that I had succeeded.

  I walked out of the room, chest heaving. I had known, deep down, sure, but had he had to put it out there like that? And so harshly?

  “Denise. Wait,” John said.

  Inwardly, I breathed a sigh of relief and stopped about halfway to the front door.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want that to come out so harshly.” I turned around, careful to avoid his eyes.

  “Can’t we just have a few hours? Not think about anything else? Things are the way they have to be. But I just want to forget that right now.”

  Stupid boy, I thought, but to him I said, “Whatever, John.”

  I walked back toward the bedroom. He followed me. John’s arms wrapped around me from behind. I closed my eyes and sighed in resignation.

  If that was all I could have, at least I could be near him. I loathed myself for that thought as soon as it crossed my mind. I sank back against him. There were so many things I wanted to say, but obviously if I said any of them, I’d be on my way out. Alone. And I didn’t want that. Even if staying meant being shady and weak and the type of girl I didn’t want to be. I wondered what he was thinking of me at that moment. Did he think I was a slut? Did he think I had no morals? Was he thinking at all?

  I turned around to face him and he immediately buried my head in his shoulder. Had I seen sadness in his eyes?

  I let him slip my shirt over my head, and then buried my face right back into his shoulder. I breathed in the fresh scent of soap and deodorant; nothing had ever smelled so good to me.

  This is wrong, this is wrong, this is wrong, I thought as we fell onto the bed and I noticed his BlackBerry lying on the nightstand. I had a feeling it was turned off. But part of me didn’t care. I wanted to be with him. It felt so good to have his skin on mine again. To feel his tongue against my tongue. To feel his fingers pressing softly in all the right places. It felt right—like things were the way they were supposed to be. We fit in every way. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I felt as if a part of me was inside of him. And whenever I was away from John, I was missing that part. I was the one who deserved to be with him anyway. I was entitled. Or so I told myself.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  I put my hand on his forehead and pushed him away from me. Hold on. That was not cool. He didn’t get to say that.

  “What?” I said, sitting up in the bed.

  “I never said I didn’t.” John pushed away my hand and tried to pull me to him.

  “No, John. You don’t get to say that anymore. You don’t get to throw a little fit like you just did, you don’t get to be all up on Sasha all night, you don’t get to ask her to marry you and then come out the mouth with some thing like that.” I pushed him away again and sprang out of the bed.

  “You’re not going anywhere, Denise.”

  “The hell I’m not.” I pulled my shirt back over my head.

  “You came here because you want me.”

  “And that doesn’t give you the right to treat me this way. Thank you, John, for bringing me back to my senses. I can’t believe I was going to do that.” I snatched my shoes from the floor. As I started to pull them on, he stood up. I tried to avoid looking at him. He was very right. I still wanted him. And I hated myself for it. And him.

  “Denise, don’t do this.”

  “No, John. How ’bout you not do this? All you have done is mess with my head since I met you. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of it always has to be John’s way and John’s always right. You’re the selfish one. You think you can have everything you want? You don’t get to have it both ways. You don’t get to make me your whore and walk around with her in the light of day. You’re getting married and you want to fuck me? What is wrong with you? What makes you think you have that right?” I screamed at him. I felt really good. For all of ten seconds.

  John’s face changed completely. “Whatever. Get out. I don’t need this from you. Nobody made you come here, Denise. You’re crazy,” he said, turning his back to me. Had I really wanted to do that? I mean, he hadn’t asked me there with the best intentions, but if there was ever to be a chance—

  No. There are no more chances. He’s engaged. He thinks you’re crazy and he only wants you for sex. Just get out! I thought. So I said nothing. I grabbed my purse and walked toward the door.

  “Oh, and Denise? Thanks for proving my point yet again that we’d never work.” I froze at the sound of John’s voice.

  “You know what? Fuck you, dumb-ass frat boy.” I slammed the door behind me before he could say another word or I could burst into tears.

  I walked slowly back to my car, as if in a trance. I fell into the driver’s seat. I don’t even remember closing the door, but I must have. I fell across the console, my arms in the passenger seat, and just lay there.

  I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I filled my lungs with air. My eyes were stinging. My hands were shaking. Just when I thought my lungs would burst, I let out a long, trembling, screaming sob. My whole body convulsed with the force of my sobs. Tears poured down my face.

  John was gone. No more green eyes. No more touches. No more kisses. All gone. Lost to Sasha. He had told me so many times he didn’t love her. And I wasn’t just imagining things. I had never seen him look at Sasha the way he looked at me. Even that night, when he’d told me he loved me, the way he had looked at me . . .

  I don’t know exactly when I fell asleep. I just know I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was the door to my glove compartment sometime later that morning. I picked myself up, my side aching from being slumped over sideways for hours. My head hurt, and so did my throat. I turned the engine over, rested my forehead against the steering
wheel, and waited for the car to warm up.

  * * *

  “Erich, you have it all wrong,” I rasped. My voice was almost gone.

  “Save it. I always knew you were still hung up on him. I just have proof now,” Erich said quietly.

  I felt like the horrible, nasty thing I’d become. I had no romantic interest in Erich, but I still had no desire to hurt him. Erich told me he’d seen my car outside of the hotel on his way home that morning. And that he’d seen me texting John at the after-party but hadn’t said anything. I didn’t think there was any way he could know that and he was just trying to save face. I let him. I didn’t call him on it. After seeing my car, he’d made a U-turn and come to my apartment to wait for me.

  “Nothing happened.” I struggled to find my voice. I was fully aware of how stupid and cliché that sounded.

  Erich raised his hands in front of him, palm side up. “Denise. What’s the big deal? You never wanted me anyway. I was stupid to let Astoria fool me into thinking you did. I kept lettin’ her put me on you, and listening to John both before when he said nothing was going on and after y’all broke up when he said it was over. But I knew better. I did,” Erich said, looking away.

  I reached out to touch his arm and he backed up, pulling away from me.

  “You don’t understand. Just let me explain.”

  “I don’t have to understand. You know why? Because I’m done, Denise. I am done.”

  “Nothing—”

  “Happened. I know. That’s why you’re wearing the same clothes you wore to the party last night. And why your car was still there at ten this morning. Really, Denise. Did you even shower? You smell like him.”

  “I fell asleep in my car.”

  “Hm. You can’t even lie right. You slept in your car in a hotel parking lot? I could see right through you last night. I let you go without saying anything because I wanted you to set your own trap. Not because I believed you. Please,” Erich said. I had never seen him so angry. Actually, I had never seen him angry at all.