Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel)

by Melissa Pearl

  “Sorry.” I frowned. “I-I texted you.”

  “Oh.” Her shoulders sagged and she pulled her phone out of her bag, checking my message with a sheepish frown. “Sorry. I didn’t even think to check my phone.” She rolled her eyes, obviously feeling stupid and annoyed with herself.

  “It’s okay. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I slipped the bag off my shoulder and put it in the basket by the shoe rack.

  “I guess I expected to come home and find you here. It freaked me out a little when you weren’t.”

  I wanted to tell her she could have just called me. I was surprised she hadn’t thought to do it, but maybe I wasn’t. She’d been kind of flaky and out of focus, like her brain was filled with something that shouldn’t be there.

  I stared at her face, my smile sad as I took in the dark smudges under her eyes. The sudden fear that maybe she was sick crippled me for a second. I couldn’t watch her die. Seeing Mom fade away had been too much. Not Aunt Cassie too.

  My eyes rounded with fear, and I whispered, “You’re not sick, are you?”

  “What?” She touched her chest, my expression obviously alarming her. She reached for my shoulders and gave them a squeeze. “No, of course not. I’m healthy. I run. I just… I’m not sleeping well.”

  I narrowed my eyes, watching her carefully before mumbling, “So it’s heart sick, not body sick?”

  She crossed her arms, unnerved by my observation. Smoothing a hand over her pulled-back hair, she looked away from me and forced a bright tone. “Anyway, where’ve you been? Hanging out with Summer?”

  I worked my jaw to the side and decided it was finally time to act on my big plans. “Actually, I was with Troy.”

  “Troy?” Her head jerked back. “Why?”

  Because I wanted to check on him, see how he was doing. Hang out. I missed him big time!

  I didn’t say any of that. Instead I shrugged and mumbled, “I called him after school to see if I could take Jovi for a walk, and he said yes and then came with us. It was fun.”

  She swallowed, lightly touching her throat and nodding. “Good. That’s…good.”

  Oh no. She looked ready to cry again.

  “You miss him, don’t you?”

  Her eyes filled with tears, but still she shook her head.

  Liar.

  I frowned and gave her a pointed glare. “Why do you keep ignoring him? Is it really helping anybody? You’re miserable. He’s miserable. I don’t get it!”

  She closed her eyes and took a calming breath.

  “Felix, there’s things you don’t understand.” She swiveled into the kitchen and tried to walk away from me…so I followed her.

  “Maybe not, but when you and Troy were together, you were happy. I was happy. We were becoming like a family. Now you’ve just cut him off! And I might not understand all the reasons behind that, but I’m smart enough to know what makes sense. And you and Troy together makes sense.”

  She placed her hands on the counter and leaned forward, like her legs couldn’t hold her up anymore. “It’s too hard,” she whispered.

  “So you’re just gonna turn your back on something good because it’s too hard? That’s bullshit, Aunt Cass. You’re supposed to be the fighter, the strong one, but all you’ve done lately is run. Why are you running from something that’s good?”

  “Because I don’t deserve it!” She whipped around to face me. “I don’t know how to do this!”

  “Yes, you do!” I fought back, remembering the same conversation I’d had with my mom when she told me the chemo hadn’t worked. I’d yelled and screamed, telling her she wasn’t allowed to leave me. That I couldn’t make it on my own.

  She’d touched my tear-streaked face and given me the kind of smile I’d remember forever.

  “You can do this, Felix. You can do anything. You’re strong enough to figure a way forward. You’re brave enough to make the most of your life. Don’t let this beat you, baby. You keep fighting for the things you want.”

  My jaw shook as I opened my mouth and rehashed a speech that had never left me. “You can do anything you want. You’re strong enough to figure a way forward. You’re brave enough to fight for the things you want. Don’t tell me you don’t deserve it. If Troy loves you and you love him, then you deserve each other! It’s that simple!”

  My chest was heaving by the time I finished my spiel. I didn’t mean to yell at her like that, but it just all came out of me—strong and passionate.

  Aunt Cassie slumped back against the counter, gaping at me with wide eyes. A couple of tears trickled down her cheeks. I didn’t know if they were my fault or not, and I didn’t want to watch her cry again, so I spun on my heel and headed for my room.

  Flopping onto my bed, I gazed up at the ceiling. Damn, I wished Mom was there. She’d know exactly what to say to make things better.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Cassie

  Felix’s speech kicked my ass.

  His words ran around my brain in a never-ending tornado. He was so impassioned as he stood there in the kitchen, telling me not to overcomplicate things.

  I wanted him to be right.

  If Troy loves you and you love him, then you deserve each other.

  If only it were that simple.

  I wanted to love him…all the way. But how could I do that without Davis getting between us? My nights had been haunted by dreams that were twisted and weird—me naked in Troy’s arms morphed into visions of being raped on a cold bedroom floor. The pain. The humiliation. The shame. I’d buried it deep for so long, and having it rise up again was suffocating. I’d never faced that night, really thought it through, relived it.

  The first few weeks after leaving Troy’s apartment had been hell.

  But as the days passed, I seemed to have found my control again. Not my joy, but my ability to function without feeling like I was being shoved through a shredder.

  I still didn’t feel good enough for Troy though.

  What if I freaked out on him again? What if I could never be normal?

  His texts and calls telling me he didn’t need sex, that he just wanted to be with me, weren’t the truth. How could he possibly mean that?

  Couples made love. That was normal!

  He deserved a woman who could love him with abandon. He needed to kiss, lick, moan, cry out in ecstasy. I’d be a plank of wood in his bed—frigid and afraid.

  He hadn’t called in a couple of weeks, but Felix had said he was miserable.

  Still?

  I figured he’d moved on.

  I didn’t think I ever could. Loving Troy had happened without my say-so, but I couldn’t imagine feeling like that about anybody else.

  I missed him so much.

  Tears flooded my eyes. Sitting up, I reached for a tissue, but the box slipped off my nightstand. I tutted and switched on my lamp, crawling out of bed to retrieve the box. It’d landed next to Crystal’s diary, which I had tucked out of sight.

  It felt too close to the core to read again, so I’d made myself forget about it.

  With a sniff, I snatched it up and flicked it open near the middle. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I just skimmed random passages until one caught my eye, drawing me in with an opening sentence that froze the air in my lungs.

  I’ve had a revelation—I can make a choice.

  Pastor Mike preached about starting anew this morning. That nothing from our past can bind our future. God’s mercies are new every morning.

  It got me thinking.

  If God doesn’t hold on to the past…then why should I?

  Art tells me every day that God loves me. Felix shows me every day that maybe that’s true. Because how does a worthless wretch like me deserve such a precious child?

  So this is what I’ve decided, and this is what I’m going to tell myself every day until I believe it.

  I am enough.

  I am clean.

  I am whole.

  My past no longer matters. I will not let it bind m
e, own me, or shame me. Davis took what did not belong to him. He forced me to say words I never meant. I have lived with that guilt and shame for too long. I’ve let him hold on to me…

  BUT NOT ANYMORE!

  I’m making a choice.

  I reclaim the girl I once was. I reclaim my beauty, my innocence, my purity.

  I am loved by a pure heart, and therefore I have what it takes to love back. I can say “I love you” and something good will come of it.

  I couldn’t breathe. It was like she’d written the words just for me.

  But they’d been for her.

  She’d done it. She’d made a choice and she’d beaten the beast in a way I’d never been able to.

  Gripping the book, I forced myself to finish reading the entry, then went back to the top and read the whole thing through again.

  “I am loved by a pure heart.” I read her words aloud and kept going, speaking her last line in a clear voice that sounded loud in the quiet room. “I don’t feel it right this second, but I will one day. I’m choosing to start anew. I’m choosing to win.”

  She’d underlined the last two sentences and gone over the letters until they were thick and bold on the page—a clear sign of determination.

  A tear dropped onto the corner of the paper. I quickly smudged it out, not wanting to ruin my sister’s precious diary.

  Gently closing it, I placed it on my nightstand and covered my mouth. My jaw was trembling and tears continued to spill from my eyes.

  Emotions were coursing through me—strong waves ready to knock me to the floor. I stood up before they could, refusing to fall again, refusing to be taken out.

  Sucking in a breath, I grabbed my watch, checked the time, and muttered, “Screw it.”

  I didn’t care that it was two o’clock in the morning. I needed to run.

  Changing into my gear, I left a note for Felix on the off chance he woke and couldn’t find me. Then I crept out of the house, locking the door and pressing play on Felix’s shuffle before jogging down the path. I took a route I was familiar with, pounding through the darkness at a quick pace. Street lamps lit my way with an eerie glow that would normally freak me out, but the urge to run overpowered it.

  I tried to focus on the music but couldn’t stay with any song for more than half of it.

  Crystal’s and Felix’s words—written and spoken—barged through the melodies and lyrics, trying to work their way into my soul. Trying to make me a believer.

  I swung my arms a little harder, tuning back into the music, but it didn’t work.

  I was being spoken to, and I’d be an idiot to ignore it.

  Running up the hill, I turned onto the wooden staircase and raced up to the lookout. It was my halfway point, and I always stopped to admire the view.

  A light rain had started to fall, a soft sprinkling that wasn’t enough to make me return home. It felt more like a cleansing shower than anything.

  Could it be?

  Could I really be cleaned of the filth inside me?

  Gripping the railing, I gazed out at the twinkling lights of LA. They sparkled and glimmered, looking magical and romantic in the darkness.

  Light in the darkness. It did exist.

  Crystal had found it, and I wanted to as well.

  It was time to make a choice.

  The wood dug into my palms as I squeezed a little tighter. The soft rain sprayed my skin—a fine mist that was slowly growing heavier.

  I licked my trembling lips and whispered, “I am enough. I am clean. I am whole.”

  I closed my eyes and dipped my head.

  “I am enough!” I said the words with more force. “I am whole. I am healthy! I am strong!” I shouted. “I can do this!”

  Going very still, I took a deep breath and let the nightmares in. I forced my quaking limbs to stand there and relive it…all of it. The cold cellar, the bruises, the fists, the pain, the dreaded night where he stole the one thing I’d fought so hard to protect.

  I was a trembling mess by the time I was finished. But as that last thought of me cowering behind those irate college kids while they kept Davis away from me finally flicked past, I whispered the words, “It’s done. No more.”

  With a fearful swallow, I then forced my mind to a new place that was pure and clean…and normal.

  I pictured myself on Troy’s bed, naked and exposed. I imagined his hands gliding over me, his tongue on my skin. I brushed my fingers over his bare shoulders, clutching them as I spread my legs beneath him. I closed my eyes and forced myself to imagine what it’d feel like to have him push inside me, move on top of me, creating a friction that was supposed to breed pleasure, not pain.

  Tears burned my eyes and I gripped the railing, willing it to hold me up.

  The rain was falling a little harder, melding with my tears. I wanted to stand there and let everything be washed away—all my fear and hesitation.

  Looking up to the sky, I spread my arms wide and welcomed the raindrops. They splashed into my eyes and pinged off my face, dribbling down to my neck and shoulders.

  A song I’d never heard before started playing in my ears. It was unlike most of Felix’s music. This song was gentle with emotion, the kind that made my heart listen.

  I went still, dropping my arms and sagging against the railing. The music flooded me, rising up in my chest and inspiring me.

  “Can you turn my black roses red…”

  Troy expanded in my mind, and the thoughts I’d been forcing suddenly flowed freely. His hands were soft and tentative, wanting to please, comfort, ignite. He’d show me what real love looked like because he did love me.

  And I loved him.

  I was capable of loving him.

  As the music stirred my soul, I whispered into the cold night air, “I can do this.”

  Slapping the railing, I headed straight back down the stairs. The music drove me through the rain, and I ran all the way to the only place I was meant to be.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Troy

  Someone was pounding on my door.

  Jovi had already scampered out of the room and was barking. His claws scraped the wood as I stumbled into the living room. I squinted at the clock as I passed the kitchen.

  It was three o’clock in the morning.

  If it was Jimmy, I was kicking his butt to the curb. I didn’t care what kind of shit he’d gotten himself into.

  Knock-knock-knock!

  Jovi barked then growled, his stumpy tail going nuts.

  “It’s okay, buddy,” I mumbled, scrubbing a hand over my face and raking the hair out of my eyes. Moving him aside with my foot, I opened the door and felt the air whoosh out of my lungs.

  Cassie stood at my door, water droplets running down her face. She was saturated, her running shirt clinging to her body as she stood there puffing.

  I blinked a few times, trying to work out why she was there. My mind churned with scenarios, but she disintegrated them all when she looked me in the eye and whispered, “I love you.”

  My heart flipped, and I clutched the door. It took me a minute to process the enormity of what was happening.

  Cassie had just said three little words that terrified her…and she’d said them to me.

  “I love you.” She said them again, then stepped into the doorframe and planted her lips on mine.

  There was only one thing to do—wrap my arms around her and kiss her back.

  Her lips were cold from the rain. Her wet clothes stuck to my bare chest. Goose bumps rippled over me, but I held on anyway. Jovi wanted in on the action, but I nudged him away with my foot. I was holding Cassie, kissing her.

  She’d just told me she loved me.

  Gripping my face, she kissed a little hard, tipping her head to swipe her tongue into my mouth. She kept pressing her hips against me, indicating exactly what she wanted. She was hungry, determined…and trembling.

  I pulled back, holding her at arm’s length to check her face. I looked deep into her wide brown eyes
and whispered, “What do you want, Cass? There’s no hurry here. I told you, I—”

  “I need to do this with you,” she interrupted me. “I need to know I can be normal. The reason I ran away from you is because you deserve to be with a woman who can give you everything. I couldn’t do that before, but I’m ready now. I’m ready to give you every last part of me…because I’m miserable without you. Because I love you.”

  I held her face, slightly in awe of what was happening. She’d said it three times in five minutes. It was like a living, breathing miracle. I didn’t know which words to fill the silent space with. I didn’t want to screw it up by speaking. I just wanted to gaze into those eyes and see her conviction.

  “I’ve made a choice, Troy. I won’t be haunted. I will not be controlled by my past anymore, and you’re the first step in proving it. I’m standing here wet and sweaty. I look disgusting, but—”

  “You’re gorgeous and I love you.” I decimated the space between us, lifting her into my arms and pouring every ounce of love into a kiss that was our new beginning.

  When I’d backed away from Cassie and chose to cut all contact, I’d had to accept that I’d lose her for good. But there she was, in my arms, asking me to be her first step on a brand new road.

  I’d never felt more humbled and honored in my life.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Cassie

  Kissing Troy was easy—his tongue was warm and pliable, the light scrape of his stubble intoxicated me. I loved the feel of his lips on mine. Being encased in his arms felt safe…doable.

  Taking things to the next level was a different story, but it was one I had to write. I wasn’t leaving Troy’s apartment until I’d given him my all, proved to both of us we had a future together.

  I pulled away, brushing the mussed hair off his face and hoping my voice didn’t quiver too much. “Let’s go to your room.”

  His face bunched, his eyebrows dipping into a pained frown. “Are you sure?”