Book 4: 3rd World Products, Inc.

by Ed Howdershelt

"So?” asked Toni. “Go someplace bigger. I may not feel like flying, but I won't mind watching you do it."

  Selena again shook her head. “No. Later, maybe.” She looked at me and said, “I'm not really too keen on this kind of flying, either. Yet. I guess."

  I looked at the ladies and considered lifting myself on a field tower to launch for a quick demo flight, then decided against it. They wouldn't see it as encouragement.

  Tiger seemed mildly confused about the tone of things as he sounded off to Sue. Elkor brought the platform down where he could jump on, then they floated toward the end of the yard. Tiger sprouted his wings again and glided across the yard to land near Sel's feet, turned off his kite, then spoke again.

  Sue said, “He says it's easy and that you have nothing to fear."

  Tiger regarded Selena for a moment, then he rubbed against her legs and flopped across her feet to wash her ankle, apparently deciding that she was in need of comfort.

  Sel giggled, then reached to pick him up and stroked him as she headed for the screen door. Toni grinned at me, then followed Sel. Things seemed on their way to being all better soon. I looked at Sue and she looked back with a raised eyebrow.

  "Tiger seemed to know exactly what to do about Selena's anxieties,” she said.

  "It's a cat thing,” I replied.

  I held the door for Sue as Elkor morphed to cat form and followed her inside. It occurred to me to ask what I hadn't asked before as Toni deposited herself in a deck chair with Tiger.

  "Elkor, why didn't you go to cat mode and fly with Tiger?"

  "I didn't want to embarrass him, Ed. I've discovered that cats are very sensitive about such things."

  "Ah. Well, thanks, Elkor. I'd have probably just taken him up a few thousand feet and let him launch. He'd have figured it out on the way down."

  The remark didn't faze Sue or Elkor, but Sel and Toni looked up sharply in startlement.

  "What?” I asked. “Elkor would have been there for him. You know that."

  Their hard looks didn't seem to abate much until they turned back to lavishing attention on Tiger. Elkor hopped onto the table and sat some distance from Tiger and the ladies, first looking at them, then at me. He said nothing.

  I used field tendrils to open the fridge and retrieve a Dr Pepper. Selena looked up as the fridge door opened and closed. She watched the bottle float to my hand and watched me open it and drink, her gaze oddly questioning.

  "Sometimes,” she said thoughtfully, “I forget just how different you've become, Ed. Are you still human, really?"

  She was still in a tense mood and I wasn't going to give her an excuse to gather any steam. I gave her a wry grin and sipped in silence.

  Toni put a quieting hand on Sel's arm. That's like telling someone to calm down. It doesn't always work and sometimes makes the other person more reactive.

  Sel sat up straight and asked, “You really would have told him to jump off the flitter, Ed?"

  "Don't start, Sel,” I said, “Talk about what's really bothering you, but don't start an argument over nothing. Besides, you saw him go for it out there."

  I could have fed her some calming theta waves, but that's an emergency-only sort of thing as far as I'm concerned. Sel's left eyebrow went up and she stiffened, then straightened.

  Damn. Stage one. Sel always stiffened up before launching a verbal barrage.

  Toni rolled her eyes and again reached for Sel's arm as she said, “Sel, honey, take it easy. He's right. Little Tiger is a real tiger at heart. He'd have been the first one off the flitter and you know it."

  Stage two—sarcasm—manifested itself.

  Selena's gaze was sharp as she said, “Oh, yeah! Sure, he'd have jumped! Wanna know why? He'd be afraid that Mr. Macho, there, would think less of him if he didn't, that's why!” Her gaze returned to me as she continued, “It kind of makes you wonder what Mr. Macho thinks of us, doesn't it?!"

  "We already knew how Toni feels about flying in general,” I said, “And gliding is a lot more ... personally experienced ... than flying while sitting in a flitter seat. I didn't expect her to be too enthusiastic right away. If at all."

  Stage three; she found a way to personalize the issue at hand.

  Sel's gaze narrowed. “Her. She. What about me, Ed? Did you really expect me to be very enthusiastic about it? Huh? Did you?!"

  Shrugging, I sipped my drink and said, “Never thought about it, Sel. Tomorrow's another day. Give it a shot then."

  Enunciating clearly, she asked, “And what if I don't?"

  "Then you don't. Sel, hang gliding isn't for everybody. No biggie."

  A good three seconds went by. I could almost hear the gears turning in her head as her gaze narrowed.

  "No biggie?" she mimicked. “No biggie?!"

  "That's what I said. I don't give a damn if you ever fly your kite, Sel. The protective field is more than enough reason to have a PFM, so..."

  Selena shoved her chair back and stood up. Her narrow gaze had become a glare.

  Toni snapped, “Sel, would you just calm the fuck down?!"

  She took a serious grip on Sel's arm and pulled her back down into her chair.

  "Take a goddamned break, okay?” said Toni. “I'm not sure what that was about and I don't want to deal with it! We're supposed to be having fun today."

  Things had actually calmed down a bit when a short beep sounded from the driveway.

  Selena muttered, “Oh, shit,” and banged the arm of her chair with a fist before shoving herself up and out of it to head for the front door.

  Toni simply sighed, “Yeah. Oh, shit,” and slouched sulkily.

  From the front hall I heard Selena's mother cheerfully say, “Hi! I was just in the neighborhood, as they say."

  Selena said, “Your 'neighborhood' is on the other side of the state, mom. What's the occasion?"

  "Is that any way to greet your mother, Sel? Do I need a special reason to visit?"

  "You always seem to have one. And you have a tendency to visit without calling ahead. Like now. Remember what you always said about surprise visitors? Is there some reason your own rules don't apply to you?"

  In the reflection of the glass doors I saw Sel's mother push a grocery bag into Sel's arms and bustle past her toward the pool deck as she said, “Here, dear, I brought dinner. Put these things away before they spoil."

  Upon seeing me, she stopped and let her arms drop to her sides as she stood stiffly and said, “Oh. Well, that explains her snit, doesn't it? I should have expected you to be here."

  "Right,” I said, “Try to look surprised. It's the weekend, Joanie. You knew damned well I'd be here."

  Joanie looked pretty good at fifty-one and packaged herself to optimize her best-retained features; her face, boobs, and legs. Her beige blouse and tan near-knee skirt worked well with her intermediate, store-bought tan.

  As my eyes roamed her, Joanie's face reddened slightly, but that may have been from irritation more than anything else.

  She remained standing by the door and indicated Susanne as she said to Toni, “Hello, Toni. Aren't you going to introduce me to your lovely friend?"

  Toni glanced at Sue, then at me. I shrugged.

  She said, “Sure. Sue, this is Selena's mother."

  The brevity of her introduction caused Joanie to raise an eyebrow at Toni, but she moved to take Sue's hand and said, “I'm Joanie. Nice to meet you, Sue. Susan, is it?"

  "Susanne,” said Sue.

  "Ah. Are you a student, too?"

  With a straight face Sue said, “No, I'm a private pilot."

  Toni glanced at Sue and almost giggled. Joanie noticed. She gave Sue a studious gaze for a moment as she tried to decide whether Sue was joking with her.

  Their handshake ended and Joanie moved around the table to what had been Selena's chair, then moved Sel's drink in front of the last empty chair and started to sit down.

  "Why is this cat on the table?” she asked. “Animals don't belong on tables."

  "He's fine wh
ere he is, Joanie.” I said. “Why not take the empty chair? Selena was sitting there."

  Joanie stopped in mid-sit to look at me and say, “She won't mind,” then dropped her butt in Selena's chair. She then looked at Tiger with a 'let's-make-things-right' expression and began to reach for him.

  "Touch not the cat,” I said, “But with a glove."

  "What?"

  "An old Scottish saying,” I said. “In fact, one of the clans uses it as a motto. 'Touch not the cat but with a glove'. If I were you I wouldn't mess with Tiger."

  "Well, you're not me and cats don't belong on tables."

  "If he scratches you...” Toni began.

  Joanie glanced sharply at her and said, “If he scratches me, he'll be off this table a lot less pleasantly."

  I laid a hand on Joanie's arm to prevent her further reach for Tiger and softly said, “Just leave my cat alone, Joanie. He's fine right where he is."

  In a low tone she said, “Take your hand off my arm, Ed."

  "Just as soon as I'm sure you won't touch Tiger."

  "I said, 'take your hand off my arm'."

  Toni gathered Tiger into her arms and ruffled his chin as she said, “There. No more cat on the table. Everybody can relax now, right?"

  Joanie pulled her arm away from my hand and rubbed it as if I'd actually had a grip on it.

  She glared at Toni, then at me, then said, “I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't put your hands on me, Ed. Not at all. Ever."

  I returned her glare with one of my own and quietly replied, “Then don't make it necessary, Joanie. Not at all. Ever."

  Leaning back a bit to see through the window into the house, Toni asked, “I wonder what's keeping Sel..? I don't see her in the kitchen."

  Stepping around the doorway, Selena said, “That's probably because I'm not in the kitchen. Mom, you only came over here to start trouble, as usual, and I'm just not up to dealing with it—with you—today.” To the rest of us she said, “I'm sorry, but I'm going to my room now."

  She then spun on her heel and walked away. A few moments later I heard a door slam and lock. Joanie tried to look shocked. Hell, maybe she actually was shocked.

  I said, “I think we'll hit the road, Toni. This weekend is officially fucked up now."

  Joanie's already-sharp gaze narrowed even more at my words, then she said, “I'm afraid your next weekend will be, too, Ed."

  We all looked at her, waiting for an explanation. After a pause Joanie drummed a fingernail on the table and said, “Selena won't be going to the Maryland convention with you. My surgery has been moved to the fifteenth."

  Toni said, “You were scheduled for the beginning of next month. What happened?"

  With a slight shrug and a hard look at me, Joanie said flatly, “They moved it."

  "They moved it?” asked Toni, “Or you moved it?"

  She received only a flat, silent stare as an answer. I studied my drink bottle for a few moments, then drank some of it and carefully centered the bottle on one of the loose coasters on the table before speaking.

  "Rescheduling abdominal surgery just to keep us from going to a science fiction convention is a bit much, Joanie.” Looking at Sue and Tiger, I said, “Boots and saddles. We're getting out of here."

  Toni ruffled Tiger's face and stroked him, then kissed me goodbye and hugged Sue as I headed for the screen door and opened it. Joanie's expression didn't change much as the flitter settled into the yard; she'd seen it before a few times. Toni gave us a small wave as we lifted.

  Once we were underway, Sue gave me a rather long look, then turned her attention to Tiger.

  "What?” I asked.

  Without looking up she asked, “Are you sure that leaving was the right course of action, Ed? And shouldn't we at least have let Selena know we were leaving?"

  "She left first and she has a datapad if she wants to talk. Sel locked herself in her room, so I'd guess she isn't going to be standing up to her mother today. Joanie wants Sel to date men her own age, not one twenty-plus years older. She also wants grandkids and knows that I was fixed back in ‘71. I'm not her idea of Sel's Mr. Right."

  Sue looked at me for a moment, then went back to ruffling Tiger as she asked, “How does Selena feel about children?"

  "She's been with me for several years, Sue. Not once has she said anything about wanting them anytime soon."

  With a slight nod, Sue continued to stroke Tiger. Some moments later a datapad screen manifested in front of me. Selena's face appeared.

  "Sorry, Ed. She really got to me this time."

  Nodding, I asked, “Did you hear about her surgery?"

  Sel's gaze narrowed as she said, “No. I haven't been out of my room."

  I took a breath and told her.

  "She rescheduled it to coincide with the convention, Sel."

  Startlement became mild shock, then anger, and she glanced back at the bedroom door while almost whispering, “That bitch!” Turning back to face me, she said, “She can have her goddamned surgery whenever the hell she wants, Ed. I won't be there."

  Shaking my head, I said, “Give it some thought. How you feel right this moment wouldn't keep you from kicking yourself for the rest of your life if anything went wrong, and you'd always hold me partly to blame for being involved at all. She's got you—us—over a barrel with this trick."

  Rage turned cold in Sel's face as she growled, “The hell she does. I'll call you back later, Ed."

  When I nodded and said, “Okay,” Sel's finger stabbed the ‘off’ icon. The datapad disappeared as Sue looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

  "What do you think she'll do, Ed?"

  "Argue. Loud and long. But she has no leverage, Sue. It's going to be her will against her mother's all the way, and Joanie already has the advantage by being able to use her surgery as an emotional club."

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  After snarfing down a Tostino's pizza I checked email. When I finished that little chore, I almost followed my habit of scanning the newsgroups, but found that I really wasn't in the mood. I turned off the computer and stood up.

  "Sue, I'm going to the pub. Gotta let off some steam. Care to come along?"

  She looked at me oddly, but said, “Okay,” and changed into her little black dress.

  I took a long moment to admire her, then said, “Not the flitter this time. The car needs a run."

  Patting Tiger on my way past the melodeon, I said, “You have the conn, Tiger. Hold the fort ‘till we get back."

  He said, “Yahhh!” then seemed to go back to sleep.

  As I opened the car door for Sue, she asked, “Should we be using the car before you've had it repaired, Ed?"

  "The insurance guy's seen it already. I straightened the tailpipe and jacked the bumper back out a bit and the taillights all work. If the other car hadn't pretty much slid under the bumper, there'd have been a lot more damage."

  My 84 Olds Eighty-Eight started readily, even though the engine knocked loudly when it revved a bit.

  "That can't be good,” said Sue.

  "It's a rod or a bearing. Been doing that for three years. I'm still deciding whether to fix it or dump it, so I guess I'm just waiting for it to die to push the issue over the edge."

  Sue looked thoughtful for a second, then said, “Repair of either problem would require dismantling the engine."

  I glanced at her and said, “No, it wouldn't."

  She looked startled at my response and displayed a mechanic's repair chart on a field pad.

  "Ed this is..."

  "Check the price of a fix,” I interrupted. “Then check the price of a used engine from a junkyard."

  As she referenced my suggestion, I listened to the engine. Any worse than usual? Hm. Maybe get it fixed, after all? A replacement engine would cost a grand, installed by a parts yard, and the Olds was a big, easy-chair-comfortable ride.

  It was apparently considerably more solid than the later-model cars, too. The 1999 Olds 98 Regency that had hit me had become two feet
shorter above its bumper and there'd been broken plastic all over the road.

  The 98's fenders had been made of fiberglass. Something about that bugged me deeply, aside from the fact that the 98 had shattered when it hit my old steel brick. I decided that I didn't want a plastic car, even if I didn't keep my 84 Olds.

  "I see,” said Sue, referring to repair versus replacement, “Is there some reason you don't simply buy a new car?"

  "Yup. I don't like the new ones. They all look alike."

  After a moment of apparently wondering if I was serious, she said, “That can't be the only reason."

  "No, ma'am, it isn't. A new car is a money-hole from the moment you sign for it. As much as a third of the dealer price is pure profit and full-coverage insurance is outrageous. I only bother owning a car so I can get from place to place, ma'am, and for the last few years, I've only driven this thing about once or twice a week. What's that really worth to me?"

  She gazed at me for a moment, then said, “I don't know, Ed. What's that worth to you?"

  Shrugging, I said, “Not more than about a grand, and only because it's hard to find anything even reasonably presentable and dependable for less."

  As I'd explained my views to Sue, I'd decided to call Bost Automotive about a used engine. He'd have one or know where to get one and he'd probably toss in the other little fixes.

  Susie was behind the bar when we arrived and took seats at the bar. She was doing a happy little hip-swinging hop-dance to Juice Newton's "Playing with the Queen of Hearts".

  Her short, a-line skirt flipped deliciously as she moved, and Bill-somebody shoved his change across the bar with a big grin. The money disappeared into Susie's tip jar as she grinningly passed him.

  Then she turned and saw Susanne. Susie froze for a moment, glanced almost apprehensively at Bill, then she approached our end of the bar. Bill's eyes narrowed as he also realized that I seemed to be with the wrong woman.

  Susie made a stop at the cash register for quarters, then approached our end of the bar.

  "Hey, Ed,” said Susie, eyeing Sue's little black dress, “Who's your new, uh, friend?"

  With a grin, I said, “My ‘new, uh, friend’ is Susanne, Susie. She's Steph's replacement, but Steph will still be dropping in now and then."