She's No Angel

by Janine A. Morris

  Charlene decided to try another route to break the ice.

  “So, how was work, baby?” she asked.

  “It was good, closed a few accounts today,” he replied.

  “That’s good. That should have put you in a good mood.”

  “Yeah, I’m good.”

  “Glad to hear that ... You haven’t been acting yourself lately.”

  That comment seemed to catch more of his attention.

  “Yes I have. What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t know, you just seemed a little closed off.”

  “No ... I have been myself,” he said matter of factly.

  “OK, maybe it has been in my head ... Well, happy to hear you’re good,” she said as she rose up to go back into the kitchen.

  Just as she stepped away he responded, “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?”

  She stopped midstride and turned around.

  “What does that mean?” she asked.

  “Me being closed off ... That’s your thing,” he said.

  Definitely not the conversation she wanted to have, but she was also interested to know what he meant. She didn’t know that Isaac had a real sense of that.

  “What do you mean? I’m not closed off.”

  “Yeah, you are. You are always keeping something in.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. I am very open and talkative ... too talkative at times, you say.”

  “That is true, it just seems you are selective about how open you are and what exactly you want to talk about.”

  Charlene was starting to lose her footing. She wasn’t prepared for this direct reality check. She thought she would be getting Isaac to share what was on his mind, and it turned out he was trying to get inside of hers. She didn’t want to appear nervous or uneasy, so she tried to remain as calm as possible.

  “Whatever you want to know, just ask,” Charlene said bravely.

  “What is the extent of the relationship you still have with Rich?” Isaac blurted out as if he had been just waiting to ask that question.

  Damn, she thought to herself. She wasn’t really expecting him to ask a question, and she definitely wasn’t prepared to answer any questions. Besides, whenever anything or anyone from her life before Isaac came up she became a little uneasy, but she was especially uneasy only a day after she saw Rich. She knew it was one more secret she was going to have to keep, because this surely wasn’t when she wanted to tell him that she spent a little bit of time with him recently.

  “The extent? ... We have spoken a few times over the past few years but that’s the extent of it,” she finally replied.

  “That’s the extent of it? ... How often have y’all spoken?”

  “Maybe every few months, just for a few moments, he will call me to say hello.”

  “Just to say hello? It’s always just to say hello?”

  “Pretty much ... to say hello or catch up.”

  “How did you end up telling him that marriage was not in me and your plans, then?”

  Trying not to show how much this conversation was making her uncomfortable, she made a conscious effort not to hesitate as she answered his questions.

  “He just happened to ask me last time we spoke. I told him that it wasn’t in the plans. Not that I wouldn’t marry you ... I had no idea at that time you were going to pop the question.”

  “Why would he ask you that, though? ... Or was that to catch up?” Isaac asked, slightly sarcastic.

  “Yeah, basically. He just asked how I was and how we were and stuff.”

  “OK, whatever ...” Isaac said, showing his dislike for what he was hearing. “So it’s always been on the phone, you haven’t spent any time with him?”

  Charlene could feel the extra perspiration forming on her body. Still, she didn’t take long to answer.

  “No, it’s always just on the phone,” she replied.

  She had gotten so used to keeping things from Isaac she found herself hiding things that weren’t even necessary to hide. She didn’t know if her innocent ride from Rich was one of them, but as usual she took the safe route to protect her image and chose to leave out that information. Other than yesterday, she had only seen Rich a few times since she had been with Isaac, nothing she thought was worth mentioning now.

  “Well, just so we are clear, I don’t know how much I like you talking on the phone with your exboyfriend who happened to be your first,” Isaac said.

  “It’s really not that often,” she answered.

  “I really don’t care. When I’m sitting here with you and have to hear a message from him saying our marriage should have been for you two, I realize there’s something you’re not telling me—”

  “It’s not—” Charlene tried to interrupt.

  “SO ... I am telling you, I don’t want you keeping in touch with him.”

  The room fell silent for a second, and then Charlene responded.

  “I respect your feelings. I just want you to know it’s nothing like that. He knows I am engaged and happily involved.”

  “Well then, he should understand that it’s time to let go.”

  Charlene was done with the conversation. Isaac had spoken, and there was no need to try to defend Rich. She knew that she would just dig a deeper hole if she continued, and possibly have to answer more questions that she wasn’t prepared to answer.

  Regardless of how much progress Charlene had made with getting comfortable with her life, she always felt a sense of tension when her past surfaced or was questioned. She never knew when anything that she had ever twisted the truth about would come to bite her in the behind. It had gotten to the point that she forgot the truth sometimes, and she lived the lies that she had told. The thing was, she never saw them as such major lies, nothing other than what most people leave unsaid about their past. Charlene wondered what woman still confesses to the world about her wild youth, the number of partners she slept with, a reputation she had in her neighborhood ... those types of things. Charlene knew she was doing what most women would. It wasn’t as if she was telling complete lies to Isaac, he knew all the things about her that he needed to know, in her opinion—her real age, where she grew up, her parents, her plans for the future. As far as she was concerned as long as he knew the person she was today, yesterday was irrelevant. Besides, everyone deserves a second chance.

  Chapter 11

  It was 10:15 on Tuesday morning when the doctor called her office phone. She saw the number in the caller ID and took a deep breath before she answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, can I speak to Charlene?” the other voice answered.

  “Speaking.”

  “Hello, I’m calling from Dr. Ginyard’s office. The doctor would like to speak with you, can you hold for her for a moment?”

  “Sure,” Charlene said.

  “OK, please hold,” the nurse said.

  As Charlene waited on the other end of the phone she felt her heart beating a hundred times a minute. The irony was she was more nervous about what the doctor might say about the condition of her uterus and her chance at motherhood, than she was about the results from her Pap smear, and the STD and HIV tests. Considering she hadn’t been tested since she was barely a teenager, for all she knew she could be dying in less than six months. Somehow she felt more confident about those tests, she hadn’t had any symptoms and she wasn’t that unsafe. However, she was worried about the findings from her sonogram. Most likely because she could still remember that doctor years ago telling her mother that kids were very unlikely in her future. Charlene remembered so vividly how the doctor spoke like she wasn’t even sitting there, or as if she was too young to care or comprehend. That doctor couldn’t have been more wrong. Not only did Charlene comprehend, she cared; she had been caring deep down ever since.

  Charlene was so nervous as she waited for the doctor to pick up the phone and give her report. She was sitting at her desk doodling in her notepad, drawing a star and outli
ning it over and over, until it began to look messy. She knew that what the doctor was about to tell her would be crucial to the success of her upcoming marriage, and she hadn’t quite mustered the courage to hear what she felt she already knew. The hold music was starting to annoy Charlene. She asked herself, Why did they call me if the doctor wasn’t available yet?

  Charlene began to think about what she would do next after she hung up from this call. Would she call Isaac and tell him, just get it over with now that she knew for sure—as if that’s what she was waiting for, or something? Would she call Paige and cry her eyes out, or would she go back to work as if nothing had happened? She wasn’t quite sure how she would react, but while she thought about it she did convince herself that she wasn’t ready to tell Isaac about her pregnancy issue after all. She didn’t know why she let Paige get in her head, anyway. She told herself it wouldn’t do anything but make it worse. She figured if the doctor confirmed that she was unable to have kids, then she would tell Isaac what he needed to know. There really was no purpose in telling him the story, it would only make things worse than they already were. It would only cause more doubt and suspicion between them. She had come this far maintaining the stories she had told. There was no need to go back now. At least that’s what she decided as she sat there waiting on the doctor to come to the phone.

  After a few more moments of listening to the Kenny G hold music, a voice came through the phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Yes, hello,” Charlene replied.

  “Hi, this is Dr. Ginyard. How are you?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Good, sorry to keep you on hold so long.”

  “No problem,” Charlene said, lying as if she wasn’t pissed off just a few seconds earlier.

  “Well, I wanted to discuss your test results with you,” the doctor replied.

  Charlene could feel the tightness building in her body. Her stomach suddenly filled with these colorful little butterflies, and her breath fell short. She didn’t respond right away, and Dr. Ginyard took that as a sign to continue.

  “Well, Charlene, from our visit you disclosed some information to me that caused me to look into your situation further. You seem to be aware of the risks you are facing due to the improper abortion you had. However, I don’t know if you understand exactly what shape your body is in. So I want to help you completely understand what happened. Is that OK with you?”

  “Sure,” Charlene replied in a tone that echoed just how unsure she really was.

  “OK. First let me ask, have you been practicing safe sex since you left my office?”

  Charlene hesitated. She hated being asked such personal questions, and even more she hated telling the truth to such personal questions. Still, she knew if there was one person who needed the truth to help her, it was her doctor.

  “Not really ... Me and my fiancé had used the pull-out method for the most part, like I told you, but lately we don’t even do that.”

  “Why is that? Are you guys trying to get pregnant?”

  “Well, yes and no. He wants children, and although ideally it would be after we are married, he wants them as soon as possible because his father is really sick.”

  “And you?”

  “Well, I haven’t worried about it either way, because I figured I couldn’t get pregnant, anyway.”

  “Why do you figure that?”

  “First off because that’s what the doctor said after the abortion, second, I haven’t been pregnant since, and ... Let’s just say it wasn’t ’cause of the protection or lack of sex I was having.”

  “OK ... Charlene, let me explain. That doctor didn’t say you could not get pregnant. I pulled your file from the hospital you went to.”

  Just hearing her speak on that time in the hospital gave Charlene a slight chill. She thought back to that day for just a moment, and quickly she became even more uncomfortable.

  “OK,” she replied.

  “What that doctor said was that you may not be able to get pregnant when you get older, and that you lowered your chances severely.”

  “I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I know she said I did something to myself, and that my chances of having children were very unlikely.”

  “Now, that’s correct, and you did do something. You ruptured your ovaries. However, your sonogram shows that you are capable of getting pregnant. It’s just that it won’t be as easy for you, your chances are very slim, but it’s possible.”

  “Really?” Charlene asked with a hint of excitement in her voice.

  “Sure you can. But ... It’s unlikely you will get pregnant on your own, and you must know that you are at great risk if you were to carry a child to full term.”

  “What does that mean?” Charlene asked.

  She could hear in the doctor’s voice, that that was the piece of information that she wanted to tell Charlene herself. The test results could have been delivered by any one of her staff. This, however, seemed to be the real bad news.

  “It means that if you did manage to get pregnant, which would more than likely be the result of medications and regulating your cycle, you still are at a severe health risk. You have to remember you have a history of uterine damage so it can cause some serious health issues for you.”

  Charlene didn’t reply. She was still trying to take it all in.

  “There’s always bed rest and other ways to monitor progress, but you definitely have to factor those risks into the decision to have children.”

  “I understand,” Charlene said.

  “Otherwise, you’re completely healthy. No STDs and no other problems.”

  “Great,” Charlene said. “Thanks for the call.”

  “No problem. You take care, and make sure you’re back in my office in six months for a checkup.”

  “I will do. Thanks again.”

  Once she was off the phone, she couldn’t even put the phone down before the tears began to fill her eyes. She held her hand up to her face to stop them, with the phone still in hand. Her heart felt heavy and her spirit was completely low. She had tried to keep up the happy face and pretend life was as it should be, but reality just kept surfacing and smacking her in the face. She didn’t know why she was upset, as if she didn’t expect bad news, but hearing it seemed to hit her in her heart. Before she went to the doctor she knew that the visit would dig up these feelings, but for some reason she still felt defeated. It was like she was reliving the pain all over again. The pain that had started her life on the wild path that it took. The pain from the abortion, emotionally and physically. The pain from the boy she thought she loved who had abandoned her when she told him she was pregnant; the pain from the inability to confide in anyone but Tanai, and then losing her, too, because of it; the pain from murdering the child inside of her that she thought she wanted, because it would love her unconditionally; and the pain from her mother being ashamed of her.

  In addition to all that built-up pain she felt new pain. A pain from knowing that she now may not have the chance to be a mother, that she had aborted the one child she could have had to love her for who she was. A pain from knowing that her mother’s embarrassment was justified, because even she was embarrassed of herself. A pain from knowing that she was so ashamed of the life she’d led, she was running from herself. A pain from knowing that she was living a lie. She felt pain knowing that she was with a man that had no idea who she really had been all those years, and she had no idea how to begin to be real with him because she had been phony for so long.

  The worst pain of all was knowing that this secret that she kept inside was now going to hurt her in a new way. Isaac wanted kids so badly, how was she going to break the news to him that she couldn’t do that for him? She had known for quite some time that he was eager to have kids for the sake of his father and himself. She also knew that he had names picked out and everything; he was one of the great future fathers. She didn’t like discussing it with him in too much depth because she always knew there was thi
s possibility. She knew that it was likely, but she always hoped that things would be different. That the doctor would say that her uterus had healed and she was just fine. That’s what she always dreamed would happen the day she finally faced the situation. Instead the nightmare was a reality, and she had to tell Isaac that it was very unlikely his future wife would bear children for him. The more she thought about telling him and his likely reaction, the more she figured she was better off telling him after she said “I do.”

  Chapter 12

  Before she took into consideration that she might change her mind and not tell Isaac the whole truth, she had mentioned to him that she was going to the doctor. She noticed that when she told him he had seemed very surprised, yet happy that she was going. He actually had noticed that she hadn’t been to the doctor since he’d met her, and was wondering when she would go. He also wanted her to go because he knew for a woman it was important to get checked out. So as soon as she told him, he expressed his concern about the results. It was obvious that he was only thinking of the basics, like breast cancer and any diseases, but she wondered if problems with bearing children had crossed his mind. He had been very clear that he wanted to have children sooner than he had planned, but he hadn’t sat down and spoken with Charlene seriously about it.

  She spoke to Isaac and saw him the same day she spoke to the doctor, and the following. Although she considered mentioning the doctor’s call, she was afraid that she may not be able to hide that she was withholding information. Charlene had become pretty good at withholding info and bending the truth, but she was aware of her weakness and the intricacies of this facet of her life that always left her a little vulnerable. So as a result she didn’t bring it up. Not that it mattered, because she knew eventually Isaac would ask her about it. Especially since he showed so much concern about the appointment. Sure enough, a day or two later he had asked how the appointment went. Still not ready to discuss it, she told him she had to wait a few days for the results. But she knew it was only a matter of time before he asked what ever happened with the results.