She's No Angel

by Janine A. Morris

  She had been at his place for less than twenty minutes when he brought it up. She came in his apartment walking quickly, she had been holding her pee in the entire way over. She rushed into the bathroom to go, and she sat in there for a couple of extra minutes. She was just relaxing, meditating, mentally preparing to spend the rest of her night with Isaac. She finished up in the bathroom, came out and headed straight to the kitchen. She looked around the sparkling clean kitchen for a snack. The stainless steel appliances were glistening they were so shiny, as usual impressing her how clean Isaac kept his place. She finally grabbed some Oreo cookies and a glass of milk and headed back into the living room. Isaac was in the living room already, he had been in there since she first keyed in. She had quickly thrown him a hello as she was rushing to the downstairs bathroom. He was working on some files from work, and she sat about three feet away from him in front of the television with her snack.

  As soon as she nestled in the couch, he blurted out, “So, what did the doctor ever say about your results?”

  Charlene tensed up. Her body language showed she was uneasy. She was as unprepared to answer that question as she would be if he had asked whether she found his best friend attractive—a friend who just happened to be drop-dead gorgeous.

  “Nothing much,” she said with a slight crack in her voice before she straightened it up. “She said everything was OK for the most part,” she continued.

  “For the most part?”

  “Well, she said I don’t have any diseases to worry about, and my breasts are healthy.” She bit into one of her Oreo cookies.

  “So then everything was A-OK?”

  Charlene could hear like ten voices in her head. An angel and a devil, her sister and her mother, and every other inner demon that she dealt with. She didn’t know how to tell him that the doctor had also told her that she may never be able to have kids, when she knew that was the last thing he would want to hear. So, despite the temptation for once to tell him the truth even though it wasn’t good, she decided to take the easy route.

  “Yeah, A-OK,” she said.

  Isaac had been looking in her face the entire time as if he could see right through her. He watched her as she reached for replies to his questions, and when she was done he turned back to his work.

  Charlene sat there watching the television program that was on, eating her milk-dipped cookies, trying to remain as calm as possible. She realized after a few moments that she was always being interrogated, and also that she was rarely telling the truth. She knew that this wasn’t a healthy relationship with Isaac, but she had gotten so deep in it she didn’t know how to get back out. Sometimes she wished that he would pry more, and finally catch her in her lies so she wouldn’t have to sustain them anymore, but he never did. She did wonder, though, if he, too, knew what was really going on. She didn’t know if it was her guilt or what, but she always felt like he was able to see that she was lying and that he wanted to see just how many lies she would tell before he jumped out and said, “Aha! I got you.” She worried that maybe the concept of karma was true, or that the cliché “what’s done in the dark comes to light” was true. She knew that she had a locked closet full of skeletons and she was so afraid he would find the key to it one day. It was truly her worst nightmare.

  Chapter 13

  It was like God was sending her a message that he wanted her to finally bring some sort of closure to this part of her life. It was a major step for Charlene to even talk about it openly with Paige again for the first time in a long while, let alone go to the doctor and discuss it. It was like she was having a confession with a priest. All of this digging up of truths and emotions was starting to break Charlene down.

  Just when she thought that maybe she could move on from this nightmare that was starting to begin again, her friend Tanai called her. It had been so long since she’d spoken to Tanai that when she saw the name on the caller ID, she literally did a triple blink to make sure she was seeing it right.

  Charlene hesitated about whether to answer the phone, but then quickly decided that if there was anybody that might know what to do right now, it would be Tanai. She answered the phone and initially there was some awkwardness, but before long they had made plans to hang out for a bit and Tanai was on her way over to Charlene’s place. For some reason Charlene cared about what Tanai thought about her, at least somewhat. So even though she didn’t change her clothes, she combed her hair and applied some light makeup. Tanai didn’t live very far away, and she arrived in no time. Charlene didn’t know why she cared, but she assumed it was because of all the unspoken feelings between them. They had gone from knowing each other’s every secret, to hiding behind a façade that they were doing just fine. And Charlene definitely wasn’t prepared to lower the curtains just yet.

  As soon as Charlene opened the door, she felt a gush of emotion. Just seeing Tanai again felt really nice, and she immediately reached out to hug her. Tanai was just as excited to see Charlene, and she held on tight for the few moments they hugged.

  “Come on in,” Charlene said, pointing toward the couches.

  Tanai looked almost exactly the same. She was dressed in some True Religion jeans, a brown fitted shirt and some cowboy boots. She was about 5’7”, 135 pounds. She was dark skinned, with long black and copper hair. She had slanted eyes, a narrow, pointy nose and full lips. Tanai still was as she had been—absolutely beautiful. She had a nice shape and a pretty face, and the boys adored her. When they were younger, they used to get so much attention they didn’t know how to act.

  When they first sat on the couch, they began making small talk. They discussed how Tanai had got lost on her way over and how she found her way. Then after the small talk subsided it was like they both needed to get stuff off their chest. Charlene had thought about whether she would bring up what had been going on if Tanai didn’t mention anything serious first, and she hadn’t come to a decision. She decided to just go with the flow, but she didn’t have to wonder long because Tanai wanted to talk seriously, too.

  “I really want to talk about the past ten years of our lives, Leeney,” Tanai said.

  It came out of nowhere. Tanai had interjected all the phony small talk to work up to saying something of substance. At first Charlene didn’t know what to say, but then she replied.

  “What about?”

  “Just all the things that we never did talk about, and how things are between us now.”

  “I would like that, too,” Charlene said, although sounding unsure.

  “Listen, Charlene, I know that it’s not easy to talk about. I also know that something that bonded us shouldn’t be the cause of our separation as well,” Tanai said.

  “You’re right,” Charlene said.

  “I never thought we would be able to actually sit down and talk about it,” Tanai said.

  This whole conversation was kind of throwing Charlene off, but it was also kind of refreshing to hear the honesty.

  “Me, either, trust me. It’s just one of those things I was hoping I could leave tucked away forever,” she opened up and said.

  “I know, Charlene; I wish I could take it back, too. I have had nightmares about it, up to even a year or so ago.”

  “Well then, you can imagine how it haunts me,” Charlene said.

  “Yeah, I know having an abortion is emotional enough, but to have it as painful and memorable as that, I can imagine,” Tanai said.

  Charlene didn’t respond right away. It was still hard for her to speak about it.

  Then she said, “It definitely hasn’t been easy.”

  “Now they give counseling. God knows we both needed it after that, but back then they just sent you home.”

  “If my mom would have let me go anyway, but she wanted to put that behind us as quickly and quietly as possible,” Charlene responded.

  “I know, your mom was no joke. I just wished she didn’t take it out on me. I needed you at that time, and I think you needed me.”

  “I did. Es
pecially since you were the only person I could talk to.”

  “It was like double the punishment,” Tanai said, sounding as if she was still angry at Charlene’s mother.

  “Sure was ... I had to cope with it somehow on my own, and I think I was just trying to deny it ever happened.”

  “I know, I think I tried to forget it myself.”

  “That’s what I did, I lied to myself. When I wasn’t having nightmares, I tried to forget it as much as I could.”

  “I’m just happy that you survived it and you’re healthy and happy today,” Tanai said, truly sounding sincere, like she had been wanting to tell Charlene that for years.

  “Well, I just hope that I am able to have kids and I can put this all behind me.”

  Charlene was deep in thought just staring down at the floor. On the couch next to her, Tanai had her head dropped, fiddling with her hands. There was an uncomfortable silence until Tanai interrupted it.

  “I don’t know if I have ever told you this, Charlene. . . But I am truly sorry.”

  There was silence again. Charlene didn’t look in her direction, she kept her head low, staring into her lap. Slowly a tear rolled down her cheek and she sniffled. She tried to contain her emotion as she replied.

  “Thanks, it’s OK ... It wasn’t your fault,” she said real low, trying to keep back her tears.

  Tanai, also attempting to contain her emotions, continued the conversation despite the obvious—that it might be more than either of them could handle.

  “I should have never suggested doing that, and I shouldn’t have continued to encourage you ... I will forever live with that guilt.”

  “You were just trying to be my friend, and at that time you were all I had.”

  Tanai got up and went to sit closer to Charlene and held her. By this time both of their faces were soaked with tears and they had both felt a load lift from off their shoulders. After all these years, they finally were able to speak on that dreadful day. Charlene didn’t know that Tanai felt the way she did, and she didn’t know that all these years it weighed heavily on her heart as well. It felt kind of good, knowing that she hadn’t been alone all those years after all. It felt good for them both to finally just let all their balled-up emotions and thoughts exit their souls. In that moment, all the distance that the painful memories had wedged between them was taken away. Just that fast they had become closer than they ever had been. All that pain finally brought them both some joy, even if only for a moment.

  Chapter 14

  Charlene spent the next few days in her apartment, just relaxing and trying to clear her head. She ran a few errands out on White Plains Road, went to the grocery store and to a few knickknack stores. She picked up some things she would need so she could settle down inside without having to go out for anything. Usually she kept on the move, trying to ignore all the issues and drama surrounding her. This time she decided to take it slow. She had taken a few days off work to get a grasp of things in her mind, and in her life.

  “Slow Down,” by India Arie was playing out of her stereo as Charlene whisked around her apartment cleaning. She felt better than she had for the past few days. Her sit-down with Tanai left her feeling like everything would be just fine. Although Charlene grew up in the church, attending with her parents, she didn’t consider herself very religious. She knew the Lord, and knew he was her shepherd; but she felt like with all the sins she had committed in her life she didn’t know if she could claim spirituality. Still, she knew that although she was no angel, God was watching over her, and sending Tanai over was his way of telling her just that.

  She was wearing a lime green tube top with black and lime boy shorts and flip-flops. Her toes and nails were manicured with a peach-colored nail polish, her hair was up in a bun and she had a white cleansing mask on her face. She hummed the words to the song seeping through her speakers.

  “You’re ’bout to wreck your future

  Running from your past

  You need to slow down baby ...”

  Charlene knew that that music truly spoke to the soul, because if this song wasn’t the most appropriate song for her she didn’t know what was.

  She was dusting and throwing things away, and feeling mighty good about herself. The words of the song was making her feel how things could be much better. As she bounced and bopped around the apartment, her phone rang. She stopped and walked toward the phone, and when she checked the caller ID it was Rich. She looked at it for a few seconds and put the cordless back down. She definitely wasn’t in the mood for any drama right now. Regardless of why he was calling, it wasn’t anything she wanted to deal with. For once she had erased everybody, including Isaac, out of her thoughts and was feeling happy as Charlene. As Tanai had said, just thankful to be alive and healthy.

  Charlene tried to go back to her bouncing and bopping and singing but she felt a slight distraction. The song finally went off, and the next song by India was coming on. Charlene walked over to see if he had left a message, he didn’t. She couldn’t help but be curious as to what that call was about, and also thankful that Isaac wasn’t over. She decided to go ahead and give Isaac a call. She hadn’t spoken to him all day, and she figured she should have a small conversation with him to make sure she wouldn’t get tempted to call Rich back.

  She dialed Isaac’s cell phone and waited for him to answer. She began to walk over to the stereo to turn it down when she heard a voice. It didn’t sound like Isaac’s, it sounded like a female’s, but she wasn’t sure because the music was still turned up.

  “Hello,” Charlene said as she lowered the volume.

  “Hello,” the female voice said back.

  Charlene recognized the voice, it was Lacy. Here goes the drama, she thought to herself.

  She almost wished that Isaac knew how she felt about Lacy, so that he would have known better than to let her answer his phone. It was hard for Charlene to admit to Isaac that she had some jealous feelings about Lacy, but Lacy pretending to like her backfired time and time again. It wasn’t that Charlene was insecure, because despite anything Lacy did, Charlene was well aware that the problem was in her own mind. Charlene never once felt unattractive, she knew she was a beautiful woman. There were many other reasons why Lacy made her jealous, but it wasn’t something Charlene could easily admit to. She believed that Lacy was only a friend to Isaac, but Lacy reminded Charlene of everything that she was not. Lacy reminded Charlene of everything that she pretended to be. Lacy made Charlene fear that if Isaac found out who she really was, that he might think Lacy was a better fiancée for him. She realized that that had something to do with her own insecurity about her self-worth. It was her own fault that she didn’t know whether Isaac truly loved her for her, she knew she never gave him the chance to know the true her.

  It didn’t help that Lacy was beautiful as well, tall and slim just like Charlene. She was a few shades darker than Charlene, but had a beautiful complexion with pretty light brown eyes. She had long dark hair and a beautiful Colgate smile. She looked like a cover girl model, actually, and she had the lifestyle to match. Charlene was equally as beautiful if not more, so she didn’t feel threatened by Lacy’s looks. However, she did know that Lacy wouldn’t be a downgrade if Isaac was to end up with her. Unlike Charlene, Lacy grew up in a good neighborhood, and went to good schools and led a pretty good life. She probably didn’t have many indiscretions in her past, and had a childhood that she could tell stories about. She and Isaac had more in common than Charlene and Isaac did, and that was what bothered Charlene the most. Isaac was well aware that she was from the other side of the tracks and that she’d had it rougher than he did growing up, and he still loved her anyway; but she assumed that he was impressed by Lacy’s upbringing.

  When Charlene called Isaac’s phone and Lacy picked up, she couldn’t help but pause. She didn’t mean to be obvious, but her displeasure was heard loud and clear through her silence.

  “Charlene, you there?” Lacy repeated.

  �
�Yeah, I’m here,” Charlene finally said.

  “Hey, girl. What’s up with you?”

  “I’m fine, how are you?” Charlene replied, still obviously caught off guard and clearly trying to gather her thoughts.

  What part of the game was this? Charlene was asking herself as she tried to continue this phony conversation with Lacy.

  “I’m good. Isaac just ran to the bathroom and he left his phone by me. When I saw it was you, I just wanted to see how you were and if that ring is making your finger tired yet.” Lacy said before she let out a loud chuckle.

  If only Lacy could see Charlene’s face through the phone.

  Trying to remain polite, Charlene gave her a phony chuckle back, and said, “No, not yet.”

  “Well, I’m sure it will soon, that is quite a rock.”

  What the hell is she all in my rock for? Wishing it was on her finger, probably, Charlene said to herself as she got herself more upset.

  “Yeah, it is a beauty ... You know Isaac.”

  “I sure do,” Lacy replied.

  She sure does? Charlene repeated to herself. Lacy knew what she was doing. She made remarks and responses that on the surface seemed so innocent and funny but had an underlying smirk to them. It was her way of being slick. Lacy knew that there was no way Charlene could be a hundred percent comfortable with her answering her man’s phone, regardless of how cool they were. So, she knew what was going through Charlene’s mind, or at least she had an idea. So, little smart remarks like “I sure do know your man,” weren’t exactly rubbing Charlene the right way. Unfortunately, even if Charlene wanted to make a big deal out of it, she couldn’t because she would seem like the catty, jealous girlfriend.

  “Yeah, that’s my Isaac ... Is he out of the bathroom yet?” Charlene asked, trying to gain control of the conversation.

  “Here he is, actually, hold on, girl,” Lacy said as she handed off the phone to Isaac.