Keep You From Harm

by Debra Doxer

  Slowly, I remove my hand from hers. I hold my fisted fingers to my chest as I watch her eyes lose their focus and gradually close.

  “Is it done?” Chloe whispers behind me. “Is she cured?”

  Turning to face them is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m struggling with my remorse as I meet their hopeful, expectant stares. Then I shake my head.

  “No? Why not?” Kyle demands, taking a step toward me. Chloe raises her hand to her mouth and begins to sob.

  I don’t want to talk in front of Penelope. So, I stand and walk out into the hallway and then down to the living room. Kyle is right behind me and Chloe hesitantly trails behind him. His angry demeanor belies the truth in his eyes. He’s terrified of what I’m going to say.

  “I can’t help her.” I let the tears trail down my cheeks now. “I’m so sorry.”

  Chloe begins to whimper before loud sobs wrack her body.

  “Tell me why!” Kyle grabs my arm.

  I bear Kyle’s anger quietly, knowing that what I’m about to say is going to devastate him even further. But she’s his daughter. He needs to know. “There’s a tumor in her brain.”

  His rage turns to shock as his grip on my arm loosens.

  “It’s too large. I can’t remove it.”

  He releases me and backs away looking dazed.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat helplessly.

  “You’re lying!” Chloe screams at me. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She turns to Kyle. “What your family can do, it’s unnatural. It’s evil, and I don’t want it in my house anymore!”

  Kyle reaches out to her and pulls her shaking body to him. I don’t want to upset her any further. Slowly, broken-hearted, I retreat to my bedroom. Once I’m downstairs, I lie down on my bed and curl into a ball, waiting for more tears to flow. But they don’t come. Instead, I feel lost. I feel like I’ve been fooling myself for seventeen years, pretending I could be normal, thinking I could ignore the healing power my body so easily wields and then withholds. I want to talk to my mother so badly it’s an ache twisting inside me. Now, when I can finally understand what she went through her whole life, she’s gone, and I’m drowning.

  I’m not going to tell Chloe and Kyle that I could remove the disease from Penelope, but then one of them could be afflicted with it. I’m betting they would be perfectly fine making that sacrifice. But I wouldn’t be. I’m not going to knowingly give this disease to someone no matter how difficult it is to think of Penelope’s suffering. I won’t impose a death sentence on someone else.

  I spend the rest of the day hiding in my room. I don’t know how to face them, and I know Chloe doesn’t want to see me. I need to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I receive texts and calls throughout the day, but I don’t pick up my phone. I don’t even check to see who’s calling. I’m sure it’s Gwen, wanting to talk about the prom and why Lucas dashed out in the middle of it. And Lucas is probably calling, too. But some part of me just can’t handle hearing about how well his mother is doing when there’s nothing I can do to help Penelope.

  Late in the afternoon, I’m still laying listlessly on my bed when I hear the doorbell ring. A few moments later, Kyle comes downstairs looking for me.

  “I didn’t know if you were down here or not,” he says. He looks pale and tired.

  I sit up and push the hair out of my eyes. “Do you want me to leave?” I ask.

  He shakes his head wearily. “Of course not. I’m sorry about Chloe. She didn’t mean any of that.”

  I don’t believe him, and he knows it.

  He sighs. “Chloe knew you might be able to help Penelope when I told her I was bringing you here to live. But you need to understand that’s not why you’re here. You needed a home, and you’re my sister. You’ll always have a place here. Please forgive Chloe. That was her grief talking, not her.”

  After remaining dry all afternoon, my eyes finally start to water.

  “Lucas is here,” Kyle says, coming further into the room.

  I close my eyes and wipe away the tears. When I open them, Kyle is studying me. I see can see that he wants to ask me something.

  He hesitates a moment longer before his question comes. “Was there ever a time when our mother couldn’t heal someone?”

  I try to read between the lines, and I think he’s wondering if Mom was more powerful than me, if she could have helped Penelope. “I don’t know. She didn’t like to talk about it. That’s why I don’t use my healing much. She always told me not to use it, and I listened for the most part. But she did tell me that there are times when we can’t heal people because the illness they have can’t be reversed.”

  “This is one of those times?”

  I nod, feeling more tears spilling down my face.

  Kyle presses his fingers against his bloodshot eyes. Abruptly, he removes them and takes a deep breath. “Should I send Lucas down?”

  My throat is too tight to talk so I only nod and watch him quickly retreat.

  I stand there waiting, but I don’t bother straightening my matted hair and my wrinkled clothes before Lucas appears at the bottom of the steps. He fills the doorway with his broad shoulders and his powerful presence. His concerned eyes travel over me as he approaches. “I’ve been calling you all day. I was worried about you.”

  I wonder why I’ve avoided him today when just his being here already seems to give me some comfort.

  “Have you been crying?” he asks, standing before me now, pushing a lock of hair behind my ear.

  I throw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders, and burying my face in the crook of his neck.

  “Hey,” he whispers gently. His arms encircle me and he presses me to him. “What is it?”

  I don’t answer. I just let him hold me as his warmth seeps inside me, easing the chill of this terrible day. He doesn’t question me again. He just stands there, holding me safely in his arms, patiently waiting me out. When I finally do release him, I’m ready to explain myself. I find that I want to.

  “It’s Penelope,” I begin. Then I tell him everything that’s occurred since this morning.

  We’re sitting on my bed. Lucas is leaning back against the pillows, and I’m lying between his legs with my back pressed to his chest and his arms around me.

  “That’s what you were afraid of when I asked you to help Liam. Wasn’t it?” he asks.

  Beneath me, I can feel the rumble of his voice inside his chest. “Yes.”

  “If you couldn’t have helped him, do you think that would make me feel differently about you?”

  My response is immediate. “I know you would. How could you not?”

  He sighs heavily. I feel his warm breath on my neck. “You don’t know anything, Ray.”

  I know he wants to believe it wouldn’t change his feelings, and I’m glad that we won’t have to find out if it’s true. “How is your mother today?” I ask, running my hands over the back of his, which are splayed out over my stomach.

  “She’s doing better. She wanted to stay inside today, but we convinced her to go shopping to buy some new clothes. My dad got home this afternoon and nearly keeled over in shock. I have my family back, Ray. You did that. You did an amazing thing for us. I’m sorry you can’t do that for your family. I truly am. But that doesn’t make any of this your fault. You know that, right?”

  I shrug. “I know it, and I don’t know it.”

  He picks me up and sets me beside him so we’re face to face. “You need to know it,” he states with a determined look. “The news about Penelope is devastating. But not being able to heal her doesn’t make you responsible for what’s happening to her. You have to learn how to deal with this. It won’t be the last time this happens.”

  “But this time, it’s Penelope,” I say.

  “Next time it could be someone else who’s close to you. Your healing has limits. You have to find a way to deal with that. A better way than your mother did.”

  My spine stiffens at his wa
rning and at his implied criticism of my mother, but then I nod. I know he’s right.

  He cups my cheek and leans into me for a kiss. I sigh when his soft lips touch mine. Our breaths mingle as he tenderly massages my mouth with his, never deepening the kiss, knowing this closeness is what I need now. I couldn’t handle more. “I don’t want to leave you like this tonight,” he says when he finally breaks away.

  I glance around, surprised to find that it’s already dark. “I’ll be fine.” I lay my head on the pillow and gaze up at his handsome face. His square jaw is covered in the dark stubble I felt tickling my skin just a moment ago. “I bet this is more drama than you’ve ever had in a relationship. You probably weren’t expecting this when you met me,” I comment dryly.

  His eyes flicker with humor. “Ray, you blew up all my expectations the moment I laid eyes on you. Nothing about you is what I expected. Do you know what the most unexpected thing is?”

  I shake my head, having no idea what he’s going to say.

  “Knowing that everything we do, you’re doing it for the first time with me. No one has ever made you feel the way I want to make you feel every time we’re together. When I’m finally inside you, I’ll be your first, and I’ll know that no one has ever done the things I’m going to do to you. You’re not what I expected, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

  I stare silently at him. I’m speechless. He’s never talked about those things before. I didn’t think I was ready to hear them until he used the words finally inside you with a burning heat in his eyes, a heat that I sparked to life.

  He chuckles at my shock, running a finger down my cheek, before sitting up. The path his finger took tingles as I raise myself up beside him. When he puts his feet on the floor, getting ready to leave, his good humor evaporates. “Be honest. If you don’t want to stay here, you can come home with me,” he states, looking over his shoulder at me.

  I finally find my voice again, knowing that leaving here now would be sending a message to Kyle that I don’t want to send. “I’m going to stay, but thanks.”

  “If you change your mind, you call me.” He picks up my phone from the nightstand and hands it to me. “When I call you, you need to answer or at least call me back. Don’t go silent on me again, okay?”

  “Okay,” I reply. Then I clear my throat and ask the question that’s nagging me. “How many girls have you been with, Lucas?”

  He pauses on his way to the door. The look on his face first shows his surprise, then his reluctance to answer. He must have known I would ask this question after what he just said to me about being my first. “Would I need more than two hands to count them?” I finally blurt out, worrying when he doesn’t respond.

  He moves back toward me with a sly grin. “I’ve been pretty busy in your imagination, haven’t I?”

  I can feel the blush rise on my cheeks even as I glare at his smug expression.

  His smile turns tender. “You couldn’t even fill one hand,” he says.

  I feel slightly relieved at first, but when I think of him being intimate with any other girls, my stomach clenches. “Did you sleep with Sophie?” I ask. I know the answer must be yes, and I’m not surprised when he slowly nods. Then his eyes flick down to my neck. He reaches up and lightly trails his fingertips over the marks that must be visible again. “But I’ve never felt like this before. In a way, you’ll be my first, too,” he whispers. Then he leans down and places a kiss right at the base of my throat. When he rises up and looks at me, his eyes gleam with affection.

  I reach up and run my fingers through the soft waves of hair that have fallen over his forehead. He closes his eyes and hums with satisfaction. I knew he wasn’t a virgin. But now I realize that what he did before he met me doesn’t matter. I want to be with him in every way. I only hope my inexperience doesn’t make me a disappointment for him. With just over a month left before the end of school, before the beginning of uncertainty, I want it to happen before I lose my chance. I want him to be my first.

  I walk him to the door, and we embrace again before I watch him walk out to his truck. It’s late. I hadn’t realized dinner time had come and gone. The house is quiet now, and I go into the darkened kitchen. My stomach growls at the lingering scent of food. When I pull open the refrigerator door, I see a plate wrapped in cellophane. I heat it up and sit down by myself to eat. As hungry as I am, after a few bites, I’m done. The lingering tightness in my stomach is squelching my appetite. After cleaning up, I peer down the hallway to find everyone’s bedroom doors closed. I go back downstairs and lie awake in the dark for a long time before sleep finally comes.

  Kyle and Chloe are in the kitchen when I come upstairs dressed for school. Chloe hardly spares me a glance before retreating to her bedroom. Kyle notices her avoidance of me and his lips press into a tight line.

  “I made you a lunch,” he says. “It’s in the refrigerator.”

  “Thanks for saving me dinner last night.” I walk past him to grab an apple off the counter for breakfast. “Are you going to work today?”

  He turns to me with a cup of coffee in his hand. “No. We’re taking Penelope in for more testing.”

  We both know what the tests will find. At least I know. I think Kyle is hoping I’m wrong. The desire to hug him is strong. Just like Penelope, I’ve never embraced Kyle either and I know that’s my fault. In the end, I lay a hand on his arm and squeeze it gently before leaving.

  I move through the day unable to focus, going through the motions of being in school while my brain is swimming in a fog. This morning, Lucas told me we’re going to say that he left the prom because of his mother’s sudden and unexpected recovery. Liam called him with the news and he had to get home to her. I guess it’s a believable story, and it introduces that fact that his mother is well now. I don’t worry too much about it as I regurgitate the details nearly verbatim to Gwen when she meets me at my locker.

  “His mother was sick?” she asks as her brow wrinkles with confusion.

  “Yeah,” I mutter, forgetting that she was out of the loop on that.

  She can barely contain herself when she tells me her news. “Tyler kissed me in the limo when we got to my house. More than just kissed actually.” Then she frowns. “But I haven’t spoken to him since. I thought he might call me the next day, but nope. Not a word.”

  “This was just Saturday night. I wouldn’t worry about that yet.”

  “But look what happened when Lucas didn’t call after you guys made out?” she points out.

  “Thanks for reminding me,” I reply dryly.

  “I’m making a point here.”

  “I know. But don’t worry. He’s into you. It will be fine,” I assure her. I can’t work up much genuine angst for her situation, but I’m trying to be sympathetic. As her friend, she deserves more from me than I can give her today.

  At lunch, I watch Tyler sit down next to Gwen instead of taking his usual seat. I grin at her as her face lights up and her doubts disappear. Myles and Lucas sit with us, and I hear about the prom aftermath while we eat. Myles says that Sophie is still pissed and wants nothing to do with Lucas. “About fucking time,” Lucas murmurs upon hearing this. Apparently, April was mortified at her behavior and apologized to Myles. He accepted her apology, but he still isn’t sitting at his old lunch table.

  During this discussion, Lucas keeps finding a way to touch me. His knee presses against mine beneath the table. His hand brushes my arm and then my leg. I want to break out of my funk for him, to show him that I took his words from last night to heart. I pretend as hard as I can, even inserting myself into Gwen’s enthusiastic conversation about the last season of Dexter. But Lucas’s sympathetic attention reveals that he can see right through me.

  Finally, the excruciating day ends. At my locker, Lucas and Gwen both appear with offers of a ride home. Since I’ve hardly given Gwen any attention all day, I feel too guilty to turn her down.

  “I’ll call you later,” Lucas promises, signaling his understa
nding.

  Gwen squeezes my arm in excitement as we head down the stairs. “He’s taking me out tomorrow night. He just asked me.”

  “See? I told you he was into you.”

  “What should I wear?” she asks.

  I notice that she’s back to all black today. “Well, is he taking out happy Gwen or maudlin Gwen?”

  She rolls her eyes at me. “I could wear the dress I wore to Atlas. He wasn’t there. So, he hasn’t seen it.”

  We step outside into the warm afternoon and start to walk toward her car when I spot Alec standing on the sidewalk. He’s obviously waiting for me. I stop short but Gwen doesn’t notice until she’s several steps ahead.

  “You coming?” Her eyes travel between Alec and I.

  “I can give you a ride home, Raielle. I’d like to talk to you,” Alec says. He looks like he just stepped off the golf course in a green short-sleeved Lacoste shirt and khaki shorts.

  “Um, sure,” I reply, wondering if he’s here to talk to me about Penelope. “This is Kyle’s dad,” I explain to Gwen. “I’ll get a ride with him. Talk to you later, okay?”

  Gwen eyes Alec, and gives me a hesitant little wave before heading across the parking lot.

  “I’m right over here,” Alec motions to his car. I walk over and pull open the heavy door, sliding into the leather seat and reaching for my seatbelt.

  “Could we get some coffee rather than going straight home?” he asks once he’s seated beside me.

  I hesitate for a moment, before nodding my agreement. I’m uncomfortable being alone with this man I hardly know, who has so much history with my mother. But with what this family is going through, I can’t find it in me to refuse having coffee with him.

  We drive in silence with me mostly staring out the window. Alec pulls into the diner on the main road in Fort Upton, just a couple of blocks down from Scoops. We go inside, and I follow him to one of the many empty booths that line a wall of windows. There’s only one other customer here seated at the bar. I notice that Alec has chosen the booth farthest away from him.