Never Change

by Anne Carol

  “Look around. Do you see my husband?”

  “A lot of husbands travel for work. Think about military wives.”

  “That’s different. Their husbands are off defending our nation. Not playing guitar to a bunch of scantily dressed women.”

  “Is that what this is about? You’re worried he’ll be unfaithful?”

  “Of course. Do you blame me?”

  “David is crazy about you, Beth. Has been since the moment you met. He would never cheat.”

  “I also thought he’d never do drugs.”

  Giving me a weak smile, she came over to sit next to me. She began rubbing my back, “Beth, remember when you couldn’t wait to marry him? You knew from the start who you were marrying, and that his dream was to be a musician.”

  “This isn’t really helping, Mom.”

  The baby paused and smiled at my mom. “Hi, baby girl.” She stroked Christine’s cheek. “What I was going to say was, knowing the lifestyle he would lead, you still married him because you trusted him to stay faithful.”

  “You’re right, I did. But I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s so hard being apart.”

  “Then go back on the road.”

  “No. It’s been good for Christine to be somewhere stable. Don’t tell me you haven’t enjoyed having her here.”

  “Of course we have, but she also needs her father. Touring is part of his job, and he can’t change that. So you have to decide: stay here and trust him, or join him.”

  I pressed my lips together, rose from the chair and carried my sleepy baby into the guest room/makeshift nursery. A lecture was the last thing I needed right now. Mom’s points only served to make me question my decision; the one I’d made five years ago as a silly teenager charmed by a handsome face and an English accent. What had I been thinking? Why couldn’t I have just married someone normal, like Aiden?

  When I lay the baby down, she arched her back and wailed. Desperate, I quickly unwrapped the new Joy Division cassette tape and put it in the boom box. And wouldn’t you know it, she actually quieted down?

  David’s little rocker chick. I couldn’t help my smile.

  Later that afternoon, I perched Christine against some pillows and let her pluck the strings on an old ukulele. Just when I thought how proud David would be, the phone rang. He must have read my mind. Finally in a good frame of mind to talk to my husband, I was crushed when my mom announced, “Dr. Masterson is calling.”

  Aiden. Dinner. Right. I went to the phone. “Hello?”

  “Hey Beth, hope you don’t mind me phoning you. Think you’ll be up for dinner with the group tomorrow night? We’re meeting at Giusti’s Bar and Grill.”

  “Oh, is that the new place over on Maple?”

  “Well, it’s a few years old, but yeah.”

  “New to me,” I reminded him.

  “True. If you’re interested, we’re meeting at 6:30, does that work? If you need a ride, I can pick you up.”

  “Sounds good, and I can get myself over there, no problem.”

  “Super! Well, then, I’ll see you tomorrow night. Take care, Beth.”

  I hung up and leaned against the counter, feeling like a stack of bricks rested on each shoulder. Why did his voice have to sound like melted chocolate? If I didn’t get these thoughts in check, tomorrow night would prove to be awkward and borderline inappropriate. I really needed to hear my husband’s gorgeous accent, as soon as possible.

  The fact he never called that night placed more doubts in my mind. It also made a night out with Aiden riskier.

  I didn’t tell my mom about dinner with Aiden until the last minute. “Where are you going, with curled hair and wearing that cute dress?” she questioned when I slid the keys off the hook.

  When I told her the truth, her face fell and her tone changed to serious. “Guard your heart, Beth. Remember your husband loves you.”

  “If he loved me, he’d call,” I hollered while skipping down the porch steps and to the car.

  I feverishly scrubbed my hair, face, and lips. “I can’t believe Aiden kissed me,” I whispered to the air. Yes, the guy was good-looking, and I couldn’t deny I’d harbored a schoolgirl crush on him at one time, but now…now I just felt violated. The jerk had no boundaries. Dinner had been going well until he put his hand on my shoulder.

  From there, things had spiraled downward. It was bad enough he acted like we were a couple, but then he was flirty and handsy all through dinner. After an unsolicited shoulder rub, he brushed his thigh against mine. That did it. I tossed some money on the table and excused myself, saying I had to get home to my baby.

  The guy had the nerve to follow me out to my car. All I wanted was to get in and drive away, but he caught my arm and told me how glad he was I joined him. Before I could answer, he’d pushed me against the car, brushed my hair back, and kissed me. I’d struggled out of his arms and shoved him off me.

  “Beth! I’m so sorry!” He slapped his forehead. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “I need to go.” I hurried into the car and slammed the door. Nausea flooded me as I drove back to my parents’. “I miss you, David,” I whispered to the air.

  For the first time in over a year, I had nightmares about Steven, the monster who attacked me on campus three and a half years earlier.

  Oh, how I ached to be in David’s protective arms.

  The following morning, Christine was especially fussy, and I was tired from a restless night, so I thought a walk would perk me up and calm her down. It was brisk out, so I bundled her up in a blanket and set her in the stroller with her teething ring. In spite of my low mood, I found myself giggling as I watched her gnawing on the teether and cooing. I stroked her cheek.

  “Oh, you are so precious. If only Daddy were here to see you.”

  Just then a car rolled up beside me, and my heart leaped in my chest. My first thought was that it was David, surprising me, but then Aiden got out of the driver’s seat. I froze, even though I should have run.

  “Aiden,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

  His head hung low. “Hi, Beth. I stopped by your mom’s, but she said you were taking a walk.” He glanced up, and his face was beet red. “Look, I’m really sorry about last night. That was completely out of line.”

  “Yeah, it was. What were you thinking?”

  “I wasn’t thinking at all. I just got carried away.”

  “Thanks for apologizing,” I stammered. This whole situation was just awkward.

  The sound of Christine squawking made me turn my head. My daughter had dropped her toy and kicked her blanket off. I sighed as I tucked it back around her.

  “How’s she doing?” Aiden asked.

  I shrugged. “Better, but she was fussy today. I think she’s working on another tooth.”

  “Quite possible.” He leaned down and said, “Hey, cutie,” as he handed her the teething toy. She cooed at him, and he chuckled. “Yeah, you’re probably right. She’s gnawing the life out of this thing.”

  I turned away from him. “Well, I should get going before she gets too cranky.”

  Taking the hint, he backed off. “Of course. Again, I’m sorry. Hope this doesn’t keep you from joining us next time. I swear I’ll be cool.”

  I smiled weakly. “We’ll see.”

  But as I pushed the stroller down the street, I knew I’d be a fool to put myself in that situation again.

  I couldn’t sleep.

  I should have dropped right off after the day I’d had, but I couldn’t stop thinking about my girls. Beth was surely cross with me after I’d failed to ring her. Why did it seem like the world was against me? I longed to hear her voice, but between publicity events and dreadful traffic on the highway, I wasn’t able to get to a phone. And then Pete’s world crumbled around him.

  Poor bloke. He’d had a big row with Daphne at last night’s post-concert party—one I’d gladly missed—and she never returned to the hotel room. Pete was in shambles. He suspected she ran off with
another musician. It was all he could do to perform tonight. After the show, he needed to let off some steam, so I ended up at the hotel bar with him, where I stuck to a fizzy drink. It was getting harder to resist alcohol, though. Beth’s watchful eye and support kept me in line. Her strength often held up for both of us. How strong was she now, with the two of us apart? Did she have a crater in place of her heart, the way I did? I missed her and Christine more than I could take.

  I wiped a tear away and swore under my breath. What a disaster I was. How am I going to handle this, God? Either I get up and have another smoke or…

  I snapped my finger and reached into the nightstand to find a Gideon Bible. Beth had gotten into the habit of reading a chapter of Psalms every night. She’d been doing this ever since her visit to the priest in Boston last year. Every once in a while, I read her grandmother’s old Bible, but not as a regular practice. Right now, I needed something to turn off my negative thoughts. I cracked open the black book, and the page fell on Psalm 71. I read it through several times before peace covered me enough to sleep.

  The telephone jarred me awake the following morning around 10. I promptly grabbed it, if only to get rid of the shrill tone.

  “Yeah?” I said.

  “David, it’s Adam.” Adam was the security contact who’d arranged a retired Garden Valley police officer to keep surveillance over Beth and Christine.

  My body tensed, and I swallowed hard. “Please tell me nobody’s hurt.” My stomach ached at the thought of it.

  “Everyone’s fine, but I thought you should know…last night Paul followed Beth to a restaurant where she met up with a group of men and women. One man sat beside Beth and wouldn’t leave her alone. When she got up to leave, he followed her to her car.” My throat constricted. “David, he kissed her.” My face burned. “Paul couldn’t tell if she returned the kiss, but she backed off, got in her car, and drove away. Of course, he followed her home to make sure she was safe.”

  The pounding in my ears muffled the last sentence. Did he say Beth was all right? I wanted to punch something, so I fisted my hand and pounded my pillow. What the —? What kind of a prick made a move like that on a married woman? And why was she with this bloke?

  “Who the devil was she with? Can you find out?”

  “David, I don’t know. I can try.”

  “Please do.” I slammed the phone down, my head swimming and pulse racing.

  What’s going on, Beth? I prayed she wouldn’t go near this man again. Please, God, let this be a misunderstanding. But since she was likely angry with me for not calling, a small part of me feared it was something more. No, she wouldn’t be so petty. And she’d never betray me. I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to ponder over the situation. I failed to phone her, and later she’s seen with another man. Dread filled every corner of my body. Was she stepping out on me? Or was she simply lonely for male company, accepting any attention she could get? Did I let her go too easily? Should I have fought her more on leaving the tour?

  Of course I should have. What an idiot I was.

  I whipped the covers back and sprang from bed, out of my mind with fear. Pacing the floor and running my hands through my hair, I eyed the mini bar. My mouth watered. No, David. Don’t go there. A pack of smokes sat on the end table, so I grabbed the box and pulled one out. Running it under my nose, I successfully distracted myself from the urge to drink. I walked to the slider and stepped out onto the deck, bracing myself against the chilly Pacific Northwest air.

  Staring out at the snow-capped mountains, feeling a breeze through my hair, I smoked all my cares away. At least I tried to. When the cigarette was nothing but a stub, I still felt wrecked inside. I wanted Beth with me so desperately, especially after hearing Adam’s news. Nothing was going to fill the void she and Christine had left. Except…

  I shook my head. No!

  The internal tug of war continued until the flesh won out. Before I knew it, I was yanking the door of the mini-bar wide open. Inside sat many of my old friends: tiny bottles of vodka, gin, whiskey, and tequila. My throat yearned for the warmth of whiskey, the drink my father introduced me to at age fourteen. I could almost taste the rich, caramel-tinged liquid. For the second time that morning, my mouth watered.

  “Beth. Baby, what’s going on with you?”

  I shoved my fingers through my hair and reached for a bottle of whiskey. Hands shaking, I untwisted the cap and put the opening to my lips. I was so close. But just when I was about to give in, I glanced at the side table where my wedding photo sat. Beth had been the prettiest bride. A recent photo of Christine wearing a pink frilly dress also caught my eye. My girls were everything to me, and I couldn’t let them down.

  Cursing, I hurled the bottle against the wall and watched it shatter. Brown liquid sprayed everywhere and tiny pieces of glass covered the carpet. I buried my face in my hands and cried. “God, help me. Please.”

  A pounding on the door made me look up. I stared at the mess I’d just made. Great, now I’ve done it. My eyes stung as I made my way to the door. I pulled it open to find Don standing there, wearing a scowl.

  “What’s going on over here? My daughter was scared awake by a crashing sound against her wall.” He barreled inside to take a look at the shared wall, finding the remnants of shattered glass.

  “David, what did you do? Did you—?”

  “No,” I interjected. “I didn’t drink. Almost did.” I bowed my head.

  A heavy breath fell from him. “What happened?”

  “Beth,” I said in a hushed tone. “She was seen out with another bloke.”

  “What? You’ve got to be mistaken, mate.”

  “Well, well,” came a voice from the hall, “even your Beth isn’t perfect. Nice to know.” I glanced in that direction to find Trevor, smirking, and with a scantily-dressed brunette draped over him.

  “Trevor, leave us be. Go back to your…whatever she is,” Don barked, waving his hand.

  Trevor only laughed as he and the groupie walked away.

  “Fantastic, now that tart’s going to spread rubbish about Beth.” I clenched my teeth. “I could kill Trevor.”

  “Maybe you should go for a walk or a swim? I’ll stay here and pack up your things.”

  “What about Brooke and the kids?” I asked sheepishly, feeling guilty for scaring his daughter.

  “She’ll be fine. She worries about you, though.” He directed his gaze at me. “Go to the pool. I’ll straighten up.”

  Not looking back at the mini bar, I quickly changed into my swim trunks, threw my hat and glasses on, and left for the pool. Swimming laps took the edge off my angst over Beth but didn’t completely erase the ache in my chest over missing her. I wanted to know who the man was she was seen with. Was he a temptation for her? Did she want his kiss? Or had he violated her? I couldn’t stomach any of those possibilities, especially the last one.

  By the time I got back to my room, everything was packed, save for a fresh pair of clothes to change into. I owed Don the world.

  I remained quiet on the bus ride east to Missoula, Montana. I was ashamed I’d come so close to slipping. My muscles were sore with tension. Brooke, who was juggling the baby on her lap while Emma tugged on her arm, glanced at me.

  “You okay?”

  Nodding, I reached out for Joshua. “Looks like you need another pair of hands. I’ll take Josh.”

  Her eyes lit up. “I’ll gladly let you hold him.” She handed him across the aisle, and he cooed as I set him on my lap.

  “Hello, Mr. Morris. Are you getting those fingers ready for a guitar?” I asked, holding up his tiny hands.

  Brooke laughed. “You chaps are too much.”

  The little guy ended up falling asleep in my arms. I stroked his few strands of brown hair as he slept. It felt good to hold a baby. Observing Josh’s bulky legs, I thought about my petite Christine and wondered how much bigger she’d be next time I saw her. I hoped Beth was taking a lot of pictures. How much was I missing?

 
God, this isn’t right. How could I have worked this out better?

  When we pulled in to a truck stop, I smoked a cigarette in an attempt to tamp down the alcohol cravings. I probably should have phoned Beth afterward, but the itch to drink hit me so hard I ended up getting sick.

  “You okay, Davy?” Pete asked after he saw me heave into a bush. He handed me a napkin, and I wiped my mouth. Too bad it did nothing to help the awful taste which lingered.

  “Just queasy. I’ll survive.”

  We were due to leave soon, so I quickly bought a pack of mints and a chocolate bar, trying to ignore the flirtatious look on the cashier’s face. “Where’s your pretty wife?” she asked in a high-pitched voice.

  “Where she is doesn’t concern you,” I grumbled and stormed out of the shop.

  As we traveled to our destination, I pondered over my reaction to the cashier’s question and berated myself. That’s all I needed: a reputation as a sod. Don and I were the good, stable ones in the band, faithfully devoted to our wives and children. I needed to keep my frustrations in check; stay level-headed. Falling apart was not an option.

  First thing I did when I reached my hotel room was take out all the bottles in the mini-bar. As much as I wanted to numb myself with the warm liquid, I took each one and dumped its contents down the sink. My muscles tensed as I inhaled the familiar aromas. It took all the self-control I possessed to drain those liquor bottles. But once they sat empty, I smiled at my reflection, proud of myself.

  That night I played my heart out as I pushed negative thoughts of Beth out of my mind. Wondering what she was doing, and with whom, would only torment me. It was time for me to focus on my music and have a good time. Fortunately, the frenzy our fans created made it easy for me to lose myself in the songs. Just seeing their enthusiasm brightened my spirits. This was what I lived for, what I’d been striving for over the past six years.

  After the concert, I basked in the fans’ adoration. Usually, I was careful about my interactions with female fans, out of respect for my wife. But tonight…tonight I allowed women to sit on my lap, something I’d never done before. Despite the sick feeling that crept up on me, I posed for countless photos and signed various arms, legs, and backs. A few women requested I sign their cleavage, but that was a boundary I wouldn’t cross.