Never Change

by Anne Carol

  The next night was no different, though the war within me grew more intense. I knew I was inviting temptation, but for once I wanted to experience the worship of the fans. My self-esteem had taken a hit with the news of Beth, and these women were filling a void, stroking that starving ego. None of my bandmates seemed to think I was doing anything wrong. Don might have shot me a few questioning looks, but no words were uttered.

  When the phone rang the following morning, I mentally beat myself up for failing to call Beth two days in a row. I was ashamed to admit I’d been in no mood to speak to her. It’s not like she’d tried to call, that I knew of. But now I worried as I snatched up the phone. It was Adam again. Great. Now what?

  “David, I just heard from Paul again. He saw that bloke with your wife again. She was pushing the baby buggy near her parents’ home, and he pulled up in his car. He stopped and spoke to her, and he said it looked pretty intense.”

  I felt the blood drain from my face. “Did he touch her?” I growled. Please, no.

  “No, he turned his attention to the baby. At least, that’s how Paul saw it.”

  I spit out an expletive. “Who the devil is this tool? And why is he hanging around my wife and child?”

  “Still trying to find out. Paul wanted to follow him, but he also didn’t want to lose sight of Beth.”

  “Well, he did the right thing. With all the loons out there, I want my girls safe.”

  “Of course. Look, David, don’t jump to conclusions. He might just be an old friend who’s making advances—unwanted, that is.”

  “How is that supposed to make me feel better? Unwanted advances?” I grunted. “Adam, promise me she won’t get hurt.”

  “We got it covered, Somers. Nothing will happen to her on my watch.”

  I hung up the phone and dialed Beth’s parents, but there was no answer. After slamming down the phone, I fell against the headboard and stared at the mini bar. The unrest within me was almost more than I could take. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing Beth would magically appear beside me, assuring all was good.

  God, why does everything have to be a struggle?

  Rather than peace, a sense of darkness loomed over me, along with a stab of resentment towards Beth. How could she allow another man to come on to her? Yes, we had fans constantly hounding us, but they were nameless strangers I’d never see again. And though I’d allowed more physical contact than usual, I reserved kisses and beyond for my wife. How dare Beth subject herself to this man’s advances?

  The more I analyzed Beth’s irresponsible behavior, the more aggravated I got. The more aggravated I got, the more I wanted to numb myself. It wasn’t long before I held a mini bottle of rum in my hand. Escaping into this bottle was easier than fretting over what was happening in Garden Valley with the people I loved the most.

  That night I performed intoxicated for the first time in a year and a half.

  I let myself get wasted the next day and the day after that. I’d taken that bite of forbidden fruit, and I couldn’t turn back. Beth had called several times, but—feeling racked with guilt—I avoided phoning her back. Alcohol and depression clouded my good sense.

  It was on that third night of escaping into the bottle that a young woman backstage got too frisky. She wanted me to sign her cleavage, but I declined. Before I knew it, she pushed her chest—wreaking of cheap perfume—into my face and then groped a part of me only reserved for my wife. I all but threw her off me. Not that I wanted to physically hurt her, but she’d crossed a big line. I’d never felt so cheap and dirty.

  Back in my room, I lay in bed and smoked for hours, wishing I had access to something stronger. I was tormented with shame for allowing a fan to get that close to me. Whatever Beth was allowing with this mystery man, I was no better with my fans. If she knew what had happened tonight, she’d be devastated. An image of her crying appeared in my mind, and it crushed me. I never wanted to betray her. Everything was so messed up. Heck, I was already betraying her by going back to drinking.

  God, I give up.

  I needed a change of scenery, so I decided to go to the hotel bar for something that would put me to sleep.

  When I arrived at the dimly lit room, I spotted Shannon, the lead singer for our opening band, The Powder Puffs. She was alone at the bar, sipping on what looked like a gin and tonic. I took a seat next to her, drawing her attention.

  “Hey, Davy,” she said, brightening up. “What’re you up to?”

  “Nothing, just need a little something to take the edge off.” I ordered a shot of bourbon.

  “Yeah. Me, too.” She studied me with her black-rimmed eyes and fluffed her spiky brown hair. “You want to hang out?”

  I grimaced at her, reading between the lines.

  “You know, up in my room?”

  “Shannon, you know I’m married.”

  Her face fell. “I meant just to talk,” she backtracked. “I could use some company.”

  I gazed at her for a moment, trying to figure out her angle. There was no way I was getting involved with her, attractive as she was, but I had nothing against hanging out.

  Gripping the shot glass, I threw it back, feeling the burn in my throat. “Just to talk?”

  “Yeah,” she said, shrugging.

  “All right, lead on…” I tossed a wad of cash on the counter and followed her, now noticing her fishnet stockings. Careful, David.

  As I we walked to the elevator, it felt like all eyes were on us. Keeping my head down, I entered the carriage with Shannon and escaped the curious glances as we headed up to her room.

  “He didn’t!” I cried into the phone.

  “I’m afraid he did. And he’s been hanging out with her the past few nights. I don’t know what to think, except…” Brooke cut herself off, but I knew where she was going.

  “Don’t say it.” I was near tears. The thought of David disappearing behind elevator doors with a woman from another band made me sick to my stomach. And he hadn’t been returning my calls. I couldn’t help thinking the worst.

  “Perhaps you should ring him tonight?”

  “Yeah, I guess I should try again. Though he hasn’t bothered returning my other calls.”

  “There’s got to be a reason. Maybe he’s not gotten the messages? Beth, I can’t see him ever cheating on you. Yes, he seems to be going through something, but Don’s had a few words with him, I know. He and this lady are probably just pals.”

  “Yeah, but there’s a chance it’s more and if it is…I can’t stay with him, Brooke. I won’t tolerate that nonsense.”

  She sighed into the phone. “I wouldn’t either, but don’t draw any conclusions yet.”

  How could I not read something awful in his behavior? I glanced at my watch. 10 a.m. Super. With the band’s hectic schedule, I had a good thirteen hours before I could find out for sure. Needless to say, I was an emotional basket case until the moment I dialed the hotel’s number. I asked for John Turner, David’s alias, and tried to settle my nerves while the line rang.

  “Hello?” a female voice answered. I froze, and my throat dried up.

  “Who’s this?”

  “Um…Shannon. Who’s calling?”

  “David’s wife, and you can tell him I’m done!”

  “Wait, you don’t understand…” I slammed the phone down. David, how could you? My stomach lurched.

  I ran into my bathroom and knelt before the toilet, fearing I’d lose my dinner. When nothing came up, I clutched my stomach, curled up on the floor, and wept.

  Hearing the muffled sound of the phone ringing, I braced myself. It wasn’t hard to guess who it was. Mom tapped on the bathroom door and came inside, whispering that David was calling.

  “I’m not talking to him. I’m too angry.”

  “Shh…you’ll wake Christine.” She touched my shoulder. “Beth, what in the world happened?”

  “I just phoned his room, and a woman answered.”

  She gasped. “Oh, my.”

  “Please just get
rid of him.”

  “Beth, there must be a logical explanation. Don’t you at least want to talk to him?”

  “No. I have nothing to say to him. He’s a cheater.”

  Mom sighed. “I’ll tell him you’re heading to bed, but you and I are going to chat, you understand?”

  After I regained composure, I went out to the kitchen, where the soothing scent of chocolate filled the room.

  “Oh, I was coming to get you.” Mom nodded to the table. “Have a seat.” I sat down and watched her stir the hot chocolate on the stove. “Beth, he was beside himself. He insisted…”

  The telephone rang. “You answer it, Beth,” Mom insisted.

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  I sighed before jerking out of my chair and picking up the phone on the fifth ring. “Hello?”

  “Baby, I can’t sleep. You have to know—“

  “Why don’t you have your friend help you get to sleep? How dare you! You avoid me for a week and then, this! I have nothing to say to you, so don’t even think about calling back! I’m not even sure how to handle this yet!” I started weeping. “Good night!” I said through angry tears, hanging up.

  Mom immediately took me in her arms and patted my back. “There, there. Perhaps I should’ve let you cool off first.”

  “I don’t regret anything I just said to him. What defense does he possibly have? Even if nothing happened with this woman, why would he invite that kind of temptation?”

  She let go of me and went to pour hot chocolate into the two mugs. “I don’t know, honey. I’ll admit it doesn’t look good, but he’s never done anything to make you doubt his faithfulness, right?”

  “Not before this past week. He’s been acting aloof.”

  “Nevertheless, you aren’t giving up on him. You made a commitment four years ago, and you have a beautiful baby together. This is where those vows mean something. Work it out. And if it turns out he’s being unfaithful, we’ll deal with it then. For now, try to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

  “If he is being unfaithful…” I wiped my eyes and sniffed. “How would you feel if Christine and I moved here?”

  “You know you’re always welcome here, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. You’re tired and emotional. Just drink up your cocoa and get some sleep.”

  “How am I going to sleep?”

  “Pray.”

  More like yell at God. That’s what I felt like doing.

  Christine finally seemed to be getting over her separation anxiety from David. She’d been mellow over the past week. I was relieved, especially considering the possibility things were up in the air concerning David and me. Humming a Carpenters tune, I looked at her sweet face as I fastened her diaper the following morning. She was the spitting image of David. No doubt who her father was. He’d been ecstatic when she was born and proud that his “little lady” took after him in the looks department. What did we mean to him now?

  I snapped up Christine’s playsuit and picked her up, clutching her tightly to me. “It might just be you and me, baby.” I kissed her head. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. Her powdery baby smell temporarily distracted me from my dismal mood, and I rocked her gently as I sang. No matter what happened with David and me, at least I had my little angel.

  My mom took her on a stroller ride later that morning so I could have quiet time, which was interrupted by several phone calls. Afraid the mystery caller was David, I let it ring all three times. In the meantime, I poured my thoughts out into my journal. It was all I could do. Continuing to work on the story of David and me wasn’t an option, even though I was so close to finishing. I also had my new “rock star’s wife” column to write for Sparkle magazine, a periodical catering to teenage girls. This month’s reader question: “How hard is it to juggle family while on the road?”

  Yeah, I was in no mood. The teeny boppers who read this magazine didn’t really want the truth, did they?

  Susie ended up inviting us over for a playdate and lunch, so I bundled up the baby and took off for her condo. She and Rick had upgraded from their little apartment after Ted was born. Susie helped Rick with the bookkeeping for the camera shop, which Rick now owned and operated following his father’s retirement. They hoped to buy a house within the next few years. I was happy things had worked out for them, even if my own situation looked grim.

  As she ladled hot soup into a bowl, she asked in a low voice, “So you really think he’s cheating? I mean, remember when I thought Rick was messing around, and it ended being a huge misunderstanding?”

  I shrugged, blowing on my soup. “Yeah, I remember. But my husband actually had another woman in his hotel room. That’s not a good sign.”

  “You need to talk to him.”

  “I did. Well, I yelled at him. And then hung up.”

  “Beth, you are so stubborn.” She set the saucepan on the stove with a bang, startling me. “You don’t even follow your own advice. You told me to give Rick a chance, and I’m telling you, don’t jump to conclusions until you actually talk to the man, as in get his side of the story.”

  “Tomorrow. I just need to get past this anger first. I’m not sure what’d come out of my mouth if I heard his voice right now.”

  She sat down across from me and stared down into her soup. “Beth, this has nothing to do with…” She swallowed. “Don’t get mad at me. With that doctor?”

  “What?”

  “He’s attractive, single, and from what Marnie reported from the other night, he was making some moves on you.”

  “Marnie? Is she a part of the high school group? I can’t remember all their names.”

  “Yeah. She was there at the dinner with her husband.”

  I glanced over at the babies on the blanket, noticing Ricky shaking a rattle over Christine. “He is so cute with her.”

  “You’re avoiding my question.”

  Turning back to her, I grunted. “That doctor is a pervert.”

  “Say what? What did he do?”

  “Marnie was right. He was coming on to me. I had to get out of there, and then he followed me out to my car and kissed me.”

  Susie dropped her spoon, splattering soup. “Kissed you?” she asked as she feverishly wiped up the spill. “He does know you’re married?”

  “Of course. That’s why it’s so creepy. I went home and took a shower.” I shivered. “Brought back awful memories I’d prefer to leave buried.”

  Her expression softened. “I’m sorry.”

  I went on to explain how he interrupted my walk the next morning.

  “Forgive me. I was completely out of line back there.”

  “Yeah, you don’t have to worry about me being sidetracked by Aiden.”

  “Getting back to David.” She reached over and touched my hand. “Don’t wait for tomorrow. Call him when you get home. I really believe he’s stayed faithful to you. I know it in my gut. Something else is going on. Find out what it is.”

  Absorbing her words, I nodded. “I will.”

  When I got home, Mom took Christine and said, “Call David. He phoned earlier, and he doesn’t sound good, Beth. I’m worried about him.”

  Forgetting I was angry with him, I darted to the telephone, my heart racing as I dialed the number on the notepad. My effort was rewarded with endless ringing on the other side. I swore under my breath. Susie’s right. Something’s going on with him. I tried to ring him one more time, but again, nobody was there. At least, they weren’t answering. No, Beth. Don’t think the worst.

  I hung up and leaned into the wall, fighting tears.

  “Beth, did you get a hold of him?” Mom asked, entering the room.

  “No answer.”

  Her shoulders drooped. “Maybe try again in thirty minutes?”

  I nodded. “I think I’ll give Christine a bath and then I’ll call again.”

  “Need help?”

  “No, I got it.” I didn’t want her helping me because I knew I was due for a good cry, and I didn’t thin
k Christine was going to blab about my falling apart to anyone. At least the scent of lavender baby soap would soothe my mood a little.

  I was squeezing a sponge over Christine’s tummy, making her giggle, when the phone rang beside me. “Oh! Maybe it’s Daddy.”

  Keeping a hand on her, I reached over to pick up the receiver. Brooke’s voice was on the other end, and she sounded stressed.

  “What’s going on, Brooke?”

  “David. He’s left the tour. He’s gone.”

  November 1984

  Never in my wildest imagination did I expect to be back here again. Rehab. What a failure I was—let my wife walk away, neglected her and our baby, opened the doors to temptation, started drinking again, and now ruined my music career by taking off mid-tour. Who was I anymore?

  According to Shannon, I was a brilliant musician, just lost. She and I had talked for hours the night we met in the hotel bar. We were both in need of someone to talk to. I bent her ear chatting about Beth late into the night. And then we spent the next several nights discussing issues with her boyfriend, Nate, the guitarist in her band. It was good having a neutral person to discuss things with, and hanging with Shannon gave me an excuse to avoid the after parties. But when Beth phoned my room and Shannon answered, I lost it. Shannon left in a cloud of angry words.

  After the blow-up, I called Beth twice. First time she wouldn’t speak to me, and the second time she screamed at me, all but telling me to go to h***. I couldn’t breathe after that phone call, and I came close to destroying my hotel room, just as I’d done the day Beth had caught me doing cocaine. But something stopped me. I prayed and prayed. And then I lay down to sleep…only sleep didn’t come.

  Room service was happy to bring me everything I needed since my mini bar had been cleaned out already, and against my better judgment, I drank myself to sleep. Thank God nothing worse happened other than I had a wicked hangover the next day. I stared at the photo of Beth and me on our wedding day, and suddenly I was desperate to see her. When Don came by to check on me, as he’d been doing all week, I was packing my bag. Told him I was going to Garden Valley and nothing was going to stop me.