No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  Finally in desperation she picked up the phone again and dialled Daniel’s extension.

  “Meet me outside in ten minutes with a blindfold. I have a surprise for you,” she said before Daniel could speak. She put down the receiver and stared at the phone miserably. She started to gather her things and wondered if she was making a big mistake.

  “This is so exciting I can’t even begin to tell you,” said Daniel, bouncing up and down with glee in Katy’s car. “I love, love, love surprises. You will tell me when I can take the blindfold off won’t you?”

  “Don’t worry,” replied Katy. “We’re just arriving. You can take it off as soon as I’ve stopped the car. And it’s not really a surprise. More a thank you for the wonderful baby shower you threw me.”

  “See, I knew you’d come round in the end. It was marvellous wasn’t it?” said Daniel. “I bet I can guess where you’re taking me. You’ve rung all my friends and gathered them for cocktails at Norman’s Bar. I’m right aren’t I?”

  “Not exactly,” said Katy as she parked the car. “OK you can take it off now.”

  Daniel peeked over the top of the blindfold. His excited grin faded as he yanked it off his head and recognised where he was.

  “Hospital? What the hell are we doing here?” he said, turning to look at Katy.

  “Daniel, I knew you wouldn’t come if I asked first, but this is serious. I need you to come to my last antenatal class with me. You’re the only person who knows what’s going on and there is every chance that I might need you with me at the birth,” pleaded Katy.

  “Are you out of your mind? You already have two possible fathers. To get me involved as well is just plain greedy Katy.”

  To Katy’s horror she started to cry.

  “Are you crying?” asked Daniel.

  Katy nodded whilst fumbling for a tissue in her bag.

  “If you are pretend crying just to get me to go in there then it won’t work Katy. You have been very cruel and brought me here under false pretences and I am nobody’s fool.”

  “Daniel, I need you OK? I need you to help me,” said Katy, tears coming thick and fast now.

  “They are not pretend tears are they?”

  “Of course they bloody aren’t.”

  “Oh Katy, I’m no use to you here. It’s Ben you need, not me,” said Daniel taking Katy’s hand in his.

  “But he’s not here is he. Since the dinner party, he’s shut me out completely. I can’t get a word out of him. He spends hardly any time in the flat. He goes out every night straight from school and comes home after I’ve gone to bed,” said Katy.

  “You’ve got to talk to him Katy,” said Daniel.

  “I know, I know. But he won’t talk to me.”

  They sat in silence for some time.

  “Can I ask you something difficult?” Daniel finally said.

  “Do you have to? My brain hurts as it is.”

  “Well no of course not but as your friend and confidant on this matter I feel that now is probably the time to ask the difficult questions. You’ll never have another chance.”

  “What do you mean I’ll never have another chance?”

  “Well I have this theory. Only when things are really bad do you force yourself to ask the difficult questions. Well, I say questions, but I really mean one, since there is only one really, truly difficult question.”

  He paused.

  “Well, come on then, what is it?” asked Katy impatiently.

  “The difficult question always is,” said Daniel, pausing again for dramatic effect. “Do I really love him?”

  “That’s it. That’s the one really, truly difficult question.”

  “Yes.”

  They sat in silence again while they both considered Daniel’s theory. When Katy failed to speak, Daniel decided to expand on his thoughts.

  “You see when things are OK with a man, not fantastic but OK, the really truly difficult question hovers at the back of your mind and occasionally threatens to break through and present itself. But to try and answer it would inevitably drive change in the relationship which is too much effort so you don’t answer it. Which is fine, but if everything continues as OK, not fantastic but OK, you could end up in a long-term relationship without ever tackling the really truly difficult question and therefore you could end up with someone you don’t love. Are you with me so far?”

  Katy nodded.

  “So you see, you have to hope for a bad patch because then you are more open to answering the really truly difficult question as change can only be good. So in summary this trauma is great news because now you get to answer the really truly difficult question. Do you get it?”

  “I think so,” sniffed Katy. “The logic is a bit messy but I guess there is a point in there somewhere.”

  “Good. So do you?”

  “Do I what?”

  “Have you been listening at all? Do you really love him?” urged Daniel.

  “Which one?”

  “You are kidding me right?”

  “What? Oh stop it Daniel. I can’t think straight,” said Katy, the tears starting to flow again.

  “Are you trying to tell me it’s not just your feelings for Ben that are in question here, that Matthew is also back on the dance floor?”

  “No, of course not. Oh I don’t know. It’s just that… it’s just that we were singing the Dirty Dancing soundtrack in my office last week…” Katy started to say.

  “Which song?” Daniel interrupted.

  “I’ve Had the Time of My Life, obviously” replied Katy.

  “You disappoint me. Hungry Eyes is far superior.”

  “I really don’t think that’s relevant at this point Daniel.”

  “Sorry. Continue.”

  “Well it’s just that it all came flooding back, you know that first love feeling. When it’s just so damned uncomplicated,” said Katy with a sigh.

  “I’m not sure I agree with you there. I mean Baby really did think Johnny had got Penny pregnant. I wouldn’t call that uncomplicated.”

  “I don’t mean Dirty Dancing,” said Katy, getting frustrated. “I mean me and Matthew. I was in love with him once. And it was great. Really great. I thought he was the one Daniel, I really did. I thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life. Then when we went for dinner and I saw him in his house, in his life, I couldn’t help thinking that could have been me you know. With the gravel drive and the hanging baskets and the beautiful nursery and his and hers bathrooms and the goddamn wedding photos on the mantelpiece.” A fresh wave of tears came.

  “Hanging baskets?” questioned Daniel. “I cannot condone a man who gets you thinking that hanging baskets are aspirational. That’s not you Katy. There’s more to you than that surely? Come on, you stole a puffin last week. That’s better than picking out bedding plants surely?”

  “You’re right. I know you’re right. Ben and me have a great time, but I’m having a baby Daniel,” she said. “I’m having a baby and starting to wonder if that is entirely compatible with a relationship that is no more developed than that of a couple of students who only just met at freshers week.” She turned away from him and stared into the distance. “And as for the really truly difficult question. We have never discussed the L word. Never. Here we are, having a baby and we have never talked about what we really mean to each other.”

  “Christ Katy, I never realised how screwed up you really are,” said Daniel.

  “Thanks. I’ve worked really hard at it,” she replied, nodding her head sadly.

  “Well my darling this does mean you really have to talk to Ben. And I’ll tell you something. You need to know what you want before you do because quite frankly this is a mess just waiting to explode and when it does you have to know what you want to grab out of the fire.”

  “It all seemed so clear a few weeks ago and now I’m so confused,” said Katy.

  “Well let’s get you through this last birth class thing. Then you know you never have to see Matth
ew again. Perhaps that will help clear your mind.”

  “So you’ll come with me?” she asked. “I can’t go in on my own. Especially not with Matthew and Alison being there.”

  “What, miss the drama? No way. I just wish you’d told me earlier so that I could have dressed down though,” said Daniel, climbing out of the car.

  “Well as you know this is our last antenatal class, I am very sad to say,” said Joan who actually did look genuinely sad. “It has been such a joy spending this special time with you and getting to know you all. We will of course exchange emails and phone numbers at the end so that we can form a support network. Some of my groups meet for coffee once a week. Very helpful for getting out of the house into a baby-friendly environment during those first few weeks.”

  Extremely unlikely, thought Katy as she tried to dodge Matthew’s questioning stare and Alison’s fake sympathy smile that had been beaming across to her ever since she had arrived without Ben.

  “But now before we start I do have some very exciting news,” said Joan. “You will notice that Richard and Rachel are not here tonight. That’s because Rachel gave birth to a bouncing little boy yesterday.”

  The entire room gasped in shock. It was one thing sitting and talking about having a baby but it was quite another to actually do it. And if Rachel had done it then that meant they all had to do it and soon.

  “Is everything OK?” asked Alison recovering first.

  “Oh fine. Richard is beside himself and apparently Rachel did a wonderful job. He said the Happy Box really helped. Especially the ticket stub from the concert they went to on their first date.”

  “What was the concert?” asked Katy, knowing that Ben would have, had he been there.

  “He did tell me actually and I remember because they were my favourites too. It was Robson and Jerome. Isn’t that lovely?” sighed Joan.

  “Robson and Jerome,” exclaimed Katy. “No wonder that worked. Enough to anaesthetise anyone.”

  “Now now Katy, that is a little harsh,” said Daniel. “Robson and Jerome were pretty special weren’t they? I’m sorry we have not been properly introduced,” said Daniel standing up to shake Joan’s hand.

  “Oh I’m Joan,” replied Joan. “And you?”

  “Daniel, I’m with Katy,” said Daniel.

  All eyes turned questioningly to Katy.

  “He only likes them because he loved Soldier, Soldier,” Katy said.

  Joan furrowed her brow.

  “It was the uniforms,” added Daniel helpfully.

  “Oh, oh, oh my, oh yes of course,” stuttered Joan. “Oh how wonderful, oh super, so good of you to come, I mean, you know, in the circumstances, because you know, not really your thing really, yes good, lovely to meet you, I have a very good friend who is, you know, is…?”

  “Also a fan of Robson and Jerome?” asked Daniel.

  “Yes, that’s it exactly, a big fan I imagine. Well anyway we must get on. Please sit down and we shall begin shall we. Good, yes, right well, let me see. So what I usually do at the beginning of the last class is ask if anyone has any burning questions left or absolutely anything they want to say. Because now is your last chance.”

  Charlene jumped up from her chair as only a pregnant woman under twenty could.

  “Can I say something?” she virtually squealed.

  “Of course Charlene, you go right ahead,” said Joan.

  “Well it’s not a question really; we just have something very exciting to ask you all. You see me and Luke were talking and we think you are all so ace that we would like to invite you to our wedding party on Saturday,” gushed Charlene, struggling to keep any of her limbs still in the excitement. “I know it’s really short notice but loads of people have said they won’t come because they don’t think we should get married. Mostly Luke’s family, not mine. They think I’ve trapped him or something. Dickheads. Anyway so we wanted to ask you all, seeing as we have already booked the buffet and everything. Here’s a proper invite and I have put a little map in so that you can find it alright. So say you’ll come won’t you? I can’t wait to see Luke’s mum’s face when you turn up.” She went around the room pushing sparkly pink envelopes into each couples hands.

  “So you’re really getting married?” asked Matthew, incredulous as he opened the envelope and watched multi-coloured confetti scatter all over his work suit.

  “Yeah, we can’t wait, can we Luke?” said Charlene, looking over her shoulder at her husband-to-be who was studying his fingers.

  “How old are you again?” asked a clearly quite freaked out Matthew.

  “Eighteen. But Luke will be nineteen twenty-three days after we get married, so the baby should be here, so he’s going to have the best birthday ever with just me and peanut,” replied Charlene.

  “Bloody hell, poor bastard,” muttered Matthew under his breath.

  “Matthew,” hissed Alison. “Be quiet.”

  Charlene swung round to face him.

  “I heard that,” she said glaring at him.

  “Charlene,” intercepted Joan. “I don’t think he meant…,”

  “No Joan,” interrupted Charlene still glaring at Matthew. “I know what he meant.”

  The room went silent and everyone looked at the floor. All except Charlene and Luke, who for once had looked up to stare at Matthew.

  “We love each other OK?” she said, walking right up to Matthew and pointing an evil looking blue false fingernail right in his face. “I love him and he loves me. End of. You can be in love at eighteen can’t you?”

  Matthew was forced to lean back in his chair to avoid the lethal weapon hovering dangerous close to his left eye.

  “Can’t you?” she shouted, prodding her fingernail firmly in his cheek.

  Katy had been watching mesmerised and now found herself holding her breath waiting for Matthew’s answer, images of their teenage romance swirling around in her head.

  “Of course you can sweetheart,” said Daniel, breaking the silence. He got up and moved towards Charlene in slow motion, gently moving the offending fingernail away from Matthew’s face. “Of course you can,” he repeated gently as he led her back to her chair and sat her down. Luke moved to stroke her hand before resuming his finger study.

  “This is so much better than Eastenders,” whispered Daniel to Katy as he positioned himself back in his own seat and smiled attentively at Joan.

  “Shall we continue,” he said to her as if nothing had happened.

  “Of course, we should shouldn’t we,” she blustered. She stood up and rifled manically through the sheets on her flip chart before finally resting on the one she was looking for. The group was completely silent. No-one dared speak.

  “Let’s try this one shall we,” she said, turning around with a fixed smile on her face. “So people, we are going to write two lists. One will be a list of what a typical day looks like for you now, pre-baby, and the other will be what a typical day could be like after you’ve had the baby. Does that make sense?”

  Blank looks all round.

  “Perfect. Now let’s see. Might I suggest that we mix it up a bit seeing as it’s our last class together. Daniel, why don’t you help Charlene with this exercise? Would that be OK?”

  “Of course,” said Mr. Charming himself. “It will be a pleasure.”

  “Excellent, now Alison why don’t you do this with Luke and you can give him some tips on how to enjoy his wedding day. Is that OK Luke?”

  “’Spose.”

  “So that leaves Matthew and Katy. Good. OK then, here are some paper and pens. You have a few minutes to work on this and then we will discuss it in the group.”

  Matthew got up and without saying a word, grabbed a pen and some paper and went and sat in the corner furthest away from the rest of the group. Katy trudged after him.

  “Why didn’t you answer the question?” she couldn’t stop herself from asking when she sat down.

  “What question?” he said sulkily.

  “The questi
on that Charlene asked you.”

  “Because I was bloody petrified. She could have had my bloody eye out.”

  “I see,” said Katy, rapidly folding and unfolding the paper in her hands.

  “Who cares about Charlene anyway,” said Matthew. “What the hell happened on Saturday? Why did you leave so quickly?”

  “Because, you idiot, Ben saw your tattoo,” said Katy, folding the paper even quicker.

  “Oh my god,” exclaimed Matthew, clamping his hand to his mouth.

  “Exactly.”

  “How could we be so stupid? What did he say? What did you say?”

  “I had to admit we used to go out together at school so of course he wanted to know why I hadn’t told him. I said it was because Alison was very jealous and you didn’t want to upset her in her condition. I said I didn’t tell him so he wouldn’t have to lie as well.”

  “Did he believe you?”

  “I think so. But we’ve barely spoken since. Ben doesn’t do relationship talks, so I have no idea what he’s really thinking.”

  “This is a disaster. What if he tries to get in touch with Alison, he could ruin everything,” said Matthew, looking over to Alison who was talking at a silent Luke.

  “Ben could ruin everything? This is hardly his fault is it?” Katy hissed. “We got ourselves in this mess Matthew. Ben would never do anything as deliberately nasty as to talk to Alison. You have nothing to worry about. It’s my relationship that’s on the brink here, not yours.”