No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “Katy, people do stupid things when they think they’ve been let down. And Ben is hardly a model of maturity is he?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Come on Katy. He’s just a kid isn’t he? And I’m sorry, but I have to say this. I cannot believe he is going to a stag-do just as you are about to give birth. Talk about avoiding responsibility. Are you sure he is going to grow up in time to be a father?”

  “That’s really unfair,” she replied as the tears started to sting her eyes again. Really unfair, she thought, especially now she had seen Matthew in all his “perfect provider” glory. She had to admit she’d found herself thinking that having a man like that had some appeal, despite her years of dogged independence and determination to stand on her own two feet. Maybe even more appeal than one who at the end of the month could often only afford to take her to the unlicensed Indian restaurant at the end of their road where he would cheerfully hand over a can of own label supermarket lager from a carrier bag. She and Ben had had some good nights there though she reminded herself, particularly when they had invented the highly technical skill of naan bread mask making.

  “You have no right to judge him,” she said, trying to convince herself as much as Matthew. “He may not have achieved your level of success but he will come through. I know he will.”

  “But I can’t help but worry about you,” said Matthew, glancing nervously over at Alison again. “Look I’ve been thinking. If you ever need anything you can always call me you know.” He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out a silver engraved business card holder. He took one out and offered it to Katy.

  She stared down at the stiff white card quivering in his hand.

  “No thanks,” she said finally. “I think it’s best if we never see each other again after tonight. Don’t you?”

  “Well I would just like to wish you all well,” said Joan at the end of the class. “Let’s give ourselves a big round of applause. Well done everyone.”

  They all looked at each other slightly bewildered. That was it now, nothing else to complete before the big day itself. Eventually they got up and hugged awkwardly wishing each other luck. Charlene even managed a hug with Matthew at Daniel’s request. Since doing the exercise with him she had been transformed back into her usual Tigger persona, bouncing up and down like a teenager should.

  “Daniel has given me the best ever idea for a wedding present for Luke,” she told Katy and Alison, clapping her hands in excitement. “And he says he’s coming to our party, so all of you have got to come now. You will won’t you Alison, perleeeeeeease? Matthew and me are totally cool now.”

  “We’ll do our best,” Alison managed to say almost without moving her lips.

  “And you’ll come with Ben won’t you Katy. Since he’s gone back to football, Luke’s talked to him loads about being a dad. He’s been great. I’m sure he’ll want to come,” said Charlene.

  “Well I’ll see if he can make it,” said Katy, surprised that Ben had had a conversation with anyone about being a dad, let alone an eighteen year old boy.

  When Alison hugged Katy goodbye she held her back for a moment and asked earnestly if things between her and Ben were alright given his abrupt change of mood at the dinner party and his absence at the class. Katy swept aside her concern saying they had both just been tired and everything was great.

  “Still Katy, if you ever need to talk, just call me OK?” said Alison, giving Katy one last sympathetic squeeze.

  Katy had to get out then. She turned and fled to the door without saying goodbye to Matthew.

  Chapter 15

  Matthew shook the ball again. The words INDICATIONS SAY YES glowed mysteriously from the hidden depths of the black plastic sphere.

  One more time he said to himself, shaking vigorously with both hands this time. ASK LATER appeared.

  Matthew shoved the Decision Maker Magic Ball, purchased from a gadget shop earlier that week, into his desk drawer under a file. It had rapidly become an obsession as he found himself consulting it on all manner of subjects. Who needs spreadsheets he thought, grateful that he had found a new way of guiding his life. This was much more spontaneous, much more fun and much more likely to lead to adventure.

  Already he had derived great satisfaction that it had decreed a NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, when he had asked whether he should go to Charlene and Luke’s wedding party. He was so pleased he had immediately informed Alison that they would be going. This had transported her into possibly the worst mood he had seen her in for some time. It was rare that something was deemed so bad that it destroyed their normal evening routine. But gone were the carefully prepared three course gastronomic experiences that Alison usually wiled away endless hours doing during the day. Gone were the perfect place settings taken from their treasured twelve-piece dinner service, a wedding present from a rich aunt. And most certainly gone were the long, leisurely if sometimes tedious meals during which Alison regurgitated her latest thoughts on her master plan for her first few weeks of motherhood. This had all been unceremoniously replaced with a tray on the kitchen table on which stood a supermarket ready-meal soggily defrosting, knife and fork strewn to one side.

  He needed to say goodbye to Katy properly, he had concluded. Sadly of course he could not explain that to Alison, who could see no good reason on this earth why she should attend the party, given that it would no doubt be celebrated in some “godforsaken hovel.” She had dismissed Matthew’s decision assuming that an “over my dead body” would have changed his mind. But as the week wore on and it became apparent that Matthew was going to remain uncharacteristically firm against her opposition, she proceeded to punish him with minimal, terse conversation and plastic food. More worryingly as Matthew became increasingly distracted by his torment over the need to gain closure with Katy, he sensed Alison’s growing disappointment that he was not delivering the level of support necessary at this stage of the pregnancy. And her inability to fully engage him resulted in her completely severing his involvement in the remaining preparations. She was clearly determined that she wasn’t going to let Matthew or anyone else prevent her from being the best prepared mother of twins there had ever been. Purchases were made, appointments set and nurseries reorganised without Matthew being called upon for any consultation whatsoever. His abrupt redundancy made him uneasy. However he was unable to muster any power to address it until after the wedding party.

  And so as they pulled into the car park of the Miners Welfare Hall & Institute, that Saturday, Alison’s first comment was unsurprising.

  “I told you we shouldn’t have come,” she declared.

  To be honest there wasn’t much that looked hopeful about the exterior of the 1960s, single storey, flat-roofed building on the opposite side of the potholed car park. The lurid green concrete cladding contrasted unattractively with the red tin roof. A broken window that had been patched using bright yellow electrician’s tape was barely holding on to a flapping Sugar Puffs cereal packet and a sign above the door had been obliterated by graffiti. All of which did nothing to heighten one’s anticipation of an enjoyable evening.

  “Charlene and Luke must be really popular,” said Matthew, trying to ignore the fact that Alison had just pressed the lock down on her door. They sat in silence and surveyed the lively group of about thirty people that were hanging around outside what must be a very packed hall. Clearly a result of a good day’s drinking the crowd was noisily standing in small boisterous clusters. A group of middle-aged women sat on the floor with their backs against the wall, sipping from plastic pint glasses filled with wine, stilettos discarded revealing grubby feet. A small cloud of smoke hovered above the happy crowd curling its way up from numerous cigarettes.

  Matthew and Alison were interrupted by a loud rap on the window.

  “What the…” said Matthew as he reached for the button to lower the window.

  “Boss car, man,” said a young lad of no more than twelve, poking his head right throug
h the window causing Matthew to jerk his head back to avoid a shower of spit.

  “You ’ere for Charlene’s wedding.”

  “Er, yes, that’s right,” replied Matthew.

  “I’m Scott, Charlene’s bro’. I’m in charge of that valley parking thing, so you just give us your keys and I’ll park this baby and keep it safe and sound till you’re ready to go, alright?”

  “But we are already parked.”

  “You’re right boss, but you see all the wedding cars have to be parked over there.”

  “Why?”

  “Because they’ll be safer over there.”

  “Why?” Matthew asked again.

  “Because.”

  “Look son. How about we leave the car here and you take us to where the party is instead.”

  “So I’d valley park you?” asked Scott.

  “Exactly.”

  “I’d still have to charge though. You are still asking for the valley parking service,” said Scott seriously.

  “OK, how about a bag of crisps and a tip. It’s valet parking not valley parking.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

  “No, valet, like… ballet,” said Matthew.

  “Ballet? I aint wearing no pink dress just so I can drive a flash car.”

  Matthew looked at Alison who had her arms clamped tightly over her belly as if afraid someone might steal the twins from under her nose at any minute.

  “Come on,” he said to her. “Just for an hour.”

  Scott ran off and stood waiting for them by the door punching away at three saggy pale pink balloons that must have been sellotaped to the door.

  “If I inhale one breath of smoke I may never forgive you,” said Alison as she reluctantly lifted the door lock and pulled herself out of the car.

  She held Matthew’s arm in a vice-like grip as they crossed the car park clutching her other hand to her mouth and nose.

  “Coming through, coming through,” shouted Scott above the noisy chatter as they got closer to the door. “Lady with a baby. Come on, let her through.”

  They eventually managed to push their way through the lively bustle and were surprised to find inside the hall, a scene of relative calm. Rainbow coloured disco lights skipped and swirled across an almost empty, dusty dance floor. The DJ’s efforts to get everyone up were going mostly ignored apart from two small boys doing knee slides. Plastic chairs that reminded Matthew of school were lined up all around the outside of the hall already bagged by a sulky looking older generation. No lively chatter here as they sat with their arms firmly folded or fingers drumming impatiently on tables looking hopefully towards the kitchen door, wondering when the buffet was coming out so they could have a good supper and head off home in time to watch Casualty.

  What must have been the friends of the bride and groom were all standing huddled in one corner, also quiet and drumming their fingers but this time with eyes focused down on mobile phones, concentrating hard on whatever urgent message had to be sent probably to the person standing next to them.

  Without daring to look at Alison’s face, Matthew took her hand and pulled her over to the bar area. Or rather the hatch that linked the hall to a brightly lit kitchen manned by two students dressed in gothic style clothes, wearing way too much eyeliner, serving drinks and wearing black lace fingerless gloves.

  “This is hideous,” hissed Alison. “What are we doing here?”

  “Oh for God’s sake Alison,” said Matthew, finally snapping. “If you stopped being such a bloody snob for just five minutes you might enjoy yourself.”

  Alison looked completely taken aback by Matthew’s outburst. “What on earth has got into you? Enjoy myself here? Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “You came, you came. I can’t believe you really came.”

  An oversized cloud of brilliant white rushed past them out of nowhere almost knocking Alison off her feet. For a moment a storm of netting and taffeta obscured the view until Charlene turned and revealed Daniel standing in the doorway with Katy and Ben. Charlene immediately dragged him over to the group of teenage texters. The girls flocked around him, whispering urgently whilst looking over their shoulders and bursting into giggles. The teenage boys in the crowd drew back together in a defensive stance, clearly discussing how they were going to deal with this new alien threat to their patch.

  Katy and Ben were left standing alone at the door, Charlene having totally ignored them. Ben took one look at Matthew, said something to Katy then walked back outside without even saying hello.

  “I wonder what on earth has got into Ben,” said Alison. “He was so moody when he came to dinner and his manners, well, nonexistent. Then not turning up to the class. There’s something really weird happening there. I think he can’t handle the thought of becoming a father you know. Poor Katy. She’s so lovely and deserves so much better don’t you think?”

  Matthew didn’t trust himself to reply so pretended not to hear her.

  “Are you listening?” she persisted. “Don’t you think Katy deserves better?”

  “Yes,” was all he could whisper, trying hard to suppress the desire to run over and comfort a very forlorn-looking Katy.

  “I’m going to cheer her up,” said Alison, striding away, Matthew trailing behind her, wondering whether it had been a big mistake to come.

  “So no sign of the baby yet?” Alison asked Katy when they reached her.

  “Er, no, not yet,” said Katy, looking nervously at Matthew. “Surprised you’re here?”

  “Not as surprised as me,” said Alison. “Matthew insisted we come. I still have absolutely no idea why.”

  Matthew could not decipher the look that Katy gave him.

  “Well Ben really wanted to come,” Katy said eventually. “Turns out he and Luke have bonded over their impending fatherhood.”

  “Well I guess they do have a lot in common,” said Matthew.

  “Because they are both too young, you mean?” Katy shot back. “Ben’s not that young you know.”

  “You’re right, he’s actually very mature,” said Matthew, unable to withhold the sarcasm.

  “Matthew,” said Alison sharply. “Just ignore him Katy. He’s in a foul mood. I’m so glad you’re here so at least I can have a sensible conversation with someone before we make our apologies and leave this excuse for a wedding.”

  Katy was shocked at Alison’s visible disdain. “As long as Charlene and Luke are happy that’s all that matters, isn’t it?” she said.

  “Well I guess if you get married at eighteen what can you expect? But seriously Katy. Would you be happy if you and Ben ended up having your very first dance as a married couple in a shed?” asked Alison.

  “Katy and Ben aren’t getting married, they told you,” said Matthew firmly.

  “They might,” said Alison. “They might change their minds after the baby arrives.”

  “Who knows,” replied Katy, looking around desperately. “Oh look, here’s Daniel coming back,” she said with considerable relief.

  “Hello, one and all,” he said as he approached. “What a marvellous party.”

  “You seem to be an instant hit,” said Katy. “What on earth did you find to talk about to teenage girls?”

  “Music and dancing of course,” he said. “The two greatest obsessions that teenage girls and gay men share. That as well as being in love of course,” he added, giving Matthew a sly smile.

  “And also public toilets it would seem,” said Katy digging Daniel in the ribs, pointing out Charlene and her gang of friends trouping into the ladies toilets.

  “There is no need for such vulgarity Katy. For your information they have gone to change for the first dance,” said Daniel.

  “What, all of them?”

  “Yes all of them. Now I suggest we go and find a seat with a good view because you don’t want to miss this, trust me.”

  Daniel hustled them to the edge of the dance floor and found seats for the pregnant ladies. Shortly afterwards Charlene emerge
d from the toilets followed by her entourage dressed, or rather not dressed, in metallic blue, frighteningly short miniskirts and bra-tops. Charlene herself was in a slightly more demure but nonetheless pretty offensive bright red frilly number which was knee length at the back but sadly only just crotch length at the front owing to her bump. She staggered across the dancefloor in ankle-breaking high heels to the front door of the hall.

  “You lot. Put your fags out and come in here now,” she shouted to the puffing throng outside the door. “If you don’t I am shutting the bar, because this is my wedding and you have to do what I tell you.”

  She strutted back across the hall towards the DJ as the rowdy smokers trickled in and headed straight for the bar.

  Charlene’s mates were now all standing in a vague line in the middle of the dance floor doing some bizarre limb wriggling as if preparing to set off for a sprint. Charlene spent a few moments shouting in the DJ’s ear before he gave a thumbs up. She then picked her way back through a maze of cables and speakers until she was in the centre of her assembled crew. She shouted something and they instantly formed a rigid straight line with about two feet between each of them.

  “OK, ladies and gentlemen,” said the DJ interrupting his utterly predictable Motown section. “If I could have your undivided attention, we have something very special for you tonight. Apparently our handsome groom Luke didn’t want to do a first dance because he’s too shy. Let’s hear a big aaaah for Luke everybody.”

  The room was silent apart from a small child shouting, “Get off my ninny,” from underneath a table.

  “Come on people, a big aaaah for poor old Luke,” begged the DJ.

  A feeble aaah came from the old fogeys’ corner who were now taking it in turns to go into the kitchen to ask what time the buffet was being served.

  “So anyway, our Charlene, not being the shy type herself, decided that she would still have a first dance, but with her mates instead, and dedicate it to her brand new husband. So here for one night only are the Hussycat Dolls of Leeds performing for your delight Don’t Cha Wish Your Husband Was Hot Like Mine.”