No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “Bravo, bravo,” cheered Daniel wildly. “Just inspired. Fan-bloody-tastic. You go girls.”

  The line of girls were all gently nodding at each other in time to the music as the intro bars to the song came pounding over the speakers. Then they all seemed to draw breath in unison before launching into flamboyant, not quite synchronised arm waving which took them through the entire first verse. This was followed by a moment’s respite before they braced themselves for the chorus. As the first line came up they all jumped forward in the air in unison then stood and gyrated wildly whilst shouting the adapted lyrics at the top of their voices.

  Don’t cha wish your husband was hot like mine?

  You really shouldn’t wish ’cause from today he’s all mine?

  Don’t cha

  Don’t cha baby

  Don’t cha wish your husband was right like mine?

  If you try and steal him I will fight you ’cause he’s mine.

  Don’t cha

  Don’t cha Baby

  The effect was very disturbing. Some of the girls had clearly spent hours perfecting their gyrating whereas some of the more physically challenged looked like clay on a potter’s wheel in the hands of a very poor potter.

  By this time Daniel was hysterical.

  “You couldn’t pay for this,” he said as he wiped his eyes. “Even my creative genius couldn’t make this up. Although I have to admit I did give Charlene the idea but I never dreamed it would turn out like this. I think I might sign them up. They would be best in show at gay pride, I’m sure.”

  To their credit they kept it together right until the last chorus when Charlene lost it. The little kids in the room clearly thought that the all singing, all dancing troupe had been brought in for their entertainment and were now standing in line in front of them attempting to copy their every move. It was not this however that upset Charlene. It was Scott who had stuffed two balloons and a cushion down his front. His bright blue and red cleavage could be seen bursting out of the top of his shirt whilst a gold tassel dangled jauntily out the bottom. He was standing directly behind Charlene mimicking her every move as well as stopping every few moments to clutch his back and pull a pained face behaving every bit the heavily pregnant girl. Charlene finally caught sight of people laughing at something behind her and whirled round to find Scott in mid flow.

  “Mum, get Scott away,” she wailed. “Why does he have to ruin everything? It’s not fair. Muuuuuuum, now.”

  Charlene’s mum appeared from nowhere and attached herself to his ear and dragged him off.

  This took only a moment then Charlene returned to the routine as if nothing had happened.

  “What a pro, what a pro,” shouted Daniel as he leapt up for the final line of the song to lead the standing ovation. “Brilliant, just brilliant.”

  “She’s quite a performer, your wife,” said Ben, loitering by the bar with Luke who was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

  “Tell me about it,” he muttered.

  “What do your parents think of her?” asked Ben, trying not to stare at Charlene’s too short skirt bouncing up and down to reveal way too much underwear.

  “Don’t care.”

  “Where are they? I’ve not seen them yet.”

  “Gone home.”

  “I see.”

  Ben took another long slug of his extra strong lager, the third pint he had managed to down since he had arrived.

  “So Luke, you OK with all of this marriage and baby stuff?” asked Ben.

  “Yeah.”

  “Petrified right? You don’t have to tell me, I can relate to that Luke. Boy can I relate to that,” said Ben, shaking his head before draining his glass. “I mean we’re two young guys in our prime right? Our whole lives ahead of us. We could do anything, go anywhere, be anything, and look at us. One minute you’re thinking that with a bit more practice you could still be a pro footballer and the next minute all bets are off because someone tells you that the next eighteen years of your life have been taken from right under your nose. Just like that. I sympathise with you man. I’m there with you Luke. We’re in this together mate, you and me,” said Ben, flinging an arm around Luke’s shoulders and picking up his next pint.

  “And another thing,” said Ben, spilling lager as he waved it in the air. “And I’m sure you’ll agree with this one Luke. So you have a baby right and suddenly you and the mother are supposed to get married and stay together forever, just like that. I tell you, I take my hat off to you mate. I’m young but you’re a bloody child. I know I shouldn’t say this but I can’t believe you’re doing this. I really can’t.”

  Luke stared at the ground and started to kick the wall.

  “Look you can tell me, man to man like,” said Ben, bending over to try and get Luke to look at him. “Is this what you really want?”

  Luke kicked the wall extra hard then raised his head, looking Ben in the eye for probably the first time ever.

  “Yes I do,” he said steadily. “Because my dad is a shit. He hates my guts. Just because I’m not like him, he thinks I can’t do anything right. He’s made my life hell. And it’s not the kid’s fault is it? Every kid deserves a good dad. Every kid does, don’t they?”

  Ben stood open-mouthed. He had never heard a sentence from Luke, never mind a whole string of them.

  “Don’t they?” Luke repeated much louder.

  Ben reeled back from the force of Luke’s question and the lager that had got the better of his legs.

  Luke grabbed a chair and managed to get Ben to sit on it.

  “They do don’t they?” Luke asked Ben yet again.

  Ben looked up at him, thinking.

  Eventually he said very quietly, “They bloody well do Luke, they bloody well do.” He pulled himself unsteadily to his feet and staggered outside.

  Chapter 16

  Katy watched Ben get up and go outside from across the room. He’d barely said two words to her the whole evening and she was getting sick of having to make awkward conversation with Matthew and Alison and even more sick of watching Matthew massage Alison’s swollen feet, even if he didn’t look too happy about it. Alison’s smug smile was getting to her in a way she couldn’t bear to think about. She looked away, only to be confronted by the sight of Charlene and Luke locked in a snogathon. She stared at them as they kissed hungrily before participating in some weird ear-biting ritual. When they surfaced for air Luke took Charlene’s hand and led her to a seat. They both sat down and Luke put his arm around her and sat stroking her belly tenderly.

  Ben had never stroked her belly. No, that was a lie, she realised. He had done once when she had first started to show. They had been watching a DVD one night and he’d leant over and in one of the most intimate moments they had ever had, he had nudged her top up and gently stroked her bare swollen belly. But it had been way too intimate for her. In her opinion that wasn’t the relationship she had signed up for. They did laughing, they did fun, they did great sex, they did ridiculous conversations way into the night, but they didn’t do intimacy. She’d spent years using intimacy as her warning signal that she was in the potential heartbreak zone, so she had pushed his hand firmly away and got up to go and make a cup of tea.

  Just as she was starting to wonder what the hell she had been thinking the DJ’s voice boomed over the loud speaker to introduce the next song.

  “For all you lovers out there we have a seriously smoochy blast from the past requested by the mother of the bride herself. So come on you men, get those ladies on the floor and press some flesh.”

  Katy shuddered at his turn of phrase then felt her entire body droop as she recognised the opening bars to the eighties hit Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. The dance floor filled instantly and she watched through blurry eyes as a sea of floral dresses squirmed against creased and sweaty blue and white shirts. The song had been a big hit in her first year at university and she remembered painfully how this song in particular had the power to reduce her to a quivering w
reck post her break up with Matthew. As she sat there alone watching the love-fest sway in front of her eyes it reminded her far too closely of similar nights she had spent on the edge of the dance floor at the Student Union watching her friends copping off, as she pined for Matthew.

  She realised with heart crushing clarity that she didn’t want to be the one sitting on her own at the edge of a dance floor anymore. And most certainly not at a wedding, nearly nine months pregnant. Actually, to her own amazement, what she really wanted was to be the one having her belly stroked, just like Charlene.

  Just as she sensed that her thoughts were about to take a horrific downward spiral, Ben plunged into her eye line obliterating the picture of wedded bliss before her.

  “Katy,” he said.

  “Ben,” she replied.

  He dragged his fingers through his untidy mop of hair whilst he looked around wildly as if at a loss as to what to say. Then he took a deep breath and wiped his eyes. If Katy had not have known him better she could have sworn he’d been crying.

  “Please will you dance with me?” he finally asked, holding out a slightly shaky hand.

  She was completely thrown. This couldn’t be happening. Dancing was in Ben’s top five least favourite activities along with cleaning up his own sick and eating quiche.

  To her surprise he took her hand, pulled her out of her chair ever so gently and led her to the dance floor where he pulled her in close to his slightly sweaty body.

  “Are you pissed?” she asked cautiously.

  “What makes you say that?’

  “We’ve never slow danced before,” she said.

  “Well, I just…” he began, before he engulfed her in a huge hug and breathed lager soaked fumes heavily in her ear.

  “Oh Katy,” he murmured.

  Katy hugged him back as hard as she could, wondering what this was leading to. Unable to stand the suspense she pushed him away to arms length and looked at him nervously.

  “Ben, has something happened?” she asked.

  Ben looked as if he actually might cry before he gave an enormous sniff and squared his shoulders.

  “Yes Katy, it has. I have just realised I’ve been a prick,” he said before pausing briefly for thought, “Not that I have always been a prick you understand,” he continued. “In fact my previous record is somewhat prickless I like to think. It’s just recently I have found a certain aptitude for it.”

  “But it’s my fault,” she said. “I shouldn’t have…”

  “No you shouldn’t,” he interrupted. “In fact that does put us on a par on the prick scorecard.”

  “Well yes, but don’t forget you always have a prick in hand,” she couldn’t help but reply. She was slipping into their normal banter mode which she realised always irritatingly happened when they should have been talking seriously.

  “True, true, always useful I find,” he responded rather dejectedly.

  The both looked at each awkwardly, hands clasped firmly between them.

  Katy could stand it no longer; she had to find out what direction this conversation was taking.

  “So, so… are we OK?” she asked cautiously.

  “Yes,” he said, nodding seriously, his brow furrowed. “Yes we are.”

  Katy held her breath waiting for more but Ben appeared to be still processing thoughts behind a tormented looking face. Finally after a very long pause his face softened and a smile slowly started to appear. Katy allowed herself to breathe again and braced herself for Ben’s next words.

  “We’re having a baby,” he said, almost as if it was the very first time he had actually taken it in, a slight look of amazement on his face.

  “We are,” she said slowly. “Is that OK?”

  “It’s fucking brilliant,” he replied, a watery but proud grin fully illuminating him at last. “And I’m going to be a fucking brilliant dad,” he continued, now grinning from ear to ear.

  Katy felt her legs buckle as a shot of sheer joy surged through her entire body. She stumbled but Ben grasped her arms firmly allowing her to steady herself.

  “Hey, you alright?” he asked, looking worried again whilst he gently stroked her hair.

  “I’m more than alright,” she said, beaming up at him. Ben wanted to be a dad. He wanted to be a dad to her child. He wanted a future with her and the baby. She wasn’t alone on the edge of the dance floor. She was right in the middle clinging to Ben. She realised her entire world had just changed because for the first time in a very long time she wanted to stop being a “me” and start being an “us”. An “us” with Ben and the baby. She gulped for air as her tears changed into laughter, both their shoulders heaving up and down in unison as they continued to slow dance.

  They clung to each other for the rest of the dance, not speaking, Ben rhythmically rubbing her back and rocking her gently.

  “There is one thing though,” he said, pulling away as the song drew to a close. Katy felt her heart drop like a stone. “After tonight do we ever have to see Matthew and Alison again? It’s not the ex-boyfriend thing, although imagining you with such a stiff does nothing for your street-cred Katy. It’s just that they are so horribly perfect that they make me feel like daddy dunce. And I want to be a good dad, I really do. Because every kid deserves a good dad don’t they. But you will have to let me do it my way,” he said earnestly.

  Ben’s way would be a great way, Katy thought, impulsively reaching up to stroke his cheek. “Let’s just forget all about them,” she said. “After tonight we can pretend they never existed. Agreed?”

  “Agreed,” he replied, looking relieved.

  “Can I ask you something now?” Katy said, feeling suddenly shy.

  “Anything my love, apart from dancing to George Michael that is,” said Ben.

  ‘Will you stroke my belly?” she asked.

  This time a tear did escape from his left eye.

  “That would make me the proudest man alive,” he said as he gently nudged up her top and rested his hand on her warm belly. They shared a long lingering kiss until Katy felt a tap on her shoulder.

  “So sorry to disturb this tender moment but I am desperate,” said Daniel, looking nervously around him. “Old biddies keep coming up and asking me to dance. You have to rescue me.”

  “Why don’t you dance with Katy while I go for a slash,” said Ben before kissing Katy on the forehead and disappearing off to the gents, waving cheerily as he went.

  “So what’s with love’s young dream then?” asked Daniel, observing the very smiley Katy.

  “Oh Daniel, it’s all going to be alright. We made up and he says he’s excited about being a dad,” Katy beamed. “And this has to be the absolutely last time I ever have to see Matthew so I think I have weathered the storm and calmer waters are approaching. I can finally get on with the rest of my life.”

  “Really, so all those emotions and feelings are where they should be hey?” asked Daniel.

  “Exactly.”

  “And you got the answer to the really truly difficult question?

  “What question?” she asked.

  “Christ Katy, you never listen to a word I say do you? Do-I-really-love-him?” Daniel spelled out. “Remember? That question.”

  “Well yeah, I guess I must do.”

  “Have you told him? Has he told you?”

  “Well no, but we are really not that kind of couple,” said Katy with a shrug. “It’s fine honestly Daniel, we are back on track. We are going to be absolutely fine.”

  “OK, OK, if you say so. Just be happy, OK? Promise me?” asked Daniel.

  “I promise,” reassured Katy.

  “And another thing. You make sure you tell that Matthew never to rear his ugly head again.”

  “Sure, sure. Now can we please sit down, my feet are killing me.”

  “Good idea. I need a decent drink,” said Daniel, taking her hand and leading her off the dance floor.

  By the time Ben had come back from the toilets Daniel had miraculously produced a
very expensive bottle of vodka he’d sneaked in knowing that the bar was probably going to be a strictly cash and carry affair.

  “I’ll have a bit of that,” said Ben. “That lager is doing no good to my insides.”

  “Be my guest,” said Daniel, feeling generous given that Ben had obviously made Katy so happy.

  “Watch out, stand by your beds,” muttered Ben as Matthew and Alison came to sit with them having been to inspect the buffet and decided to abstain. Katy couldn’t help but notice the displeasure spread over Matthew’s face as he observed Ben nuzzling contentedly into Katy’s shoulder whilst he rotated his hand over and over her bump under her shirt, occasionally revealing a peek at her naked pregnant belly.

  The look didn’t go unnoticed either by Daniel who shoved the vodka bottle at Matthew and told him to take a swig in an effort to distract him.

  Matthew looked at Alison, who immediately placed her hand firmly on his arm.

  “Don’t mind if I do,” Matthew said shaking off her hand before taking the bottle from Daniel and jamming it firmly in his mouth, downing several gulps.

  “Matthew,” exclaimed Alison. “You don’t know where it’s been.”

  Matthew took another very large swig whilst holding eye contact with Alison.

  “Matthew, stop. It’s not funny,” she protested.

  “It’s just vodka,” said Matthew.

  “But what happens if the babies come tonight and you are blind drunk?”

  Matthew gave a big sigh and stared at the bottle in his hands. “Just one more,” he muttered, this time not looking at Alison and taking an extra long slug.

  “Right that’s it. We’re going,” said Alison. “Don’t move. You just sit there. I’ll go and say goodbye to Charlene and Luke and thank Charlene’s parents. I want you to be capable of getting into the car by the time I’m back. Excuse me everyone. And don’t let him have any more of that vodka.”