Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  “Look at me, Chase.” His eyes were so heavy and sad it crushed me. It was hard to breathe. “You’re doing everything you can, everything but forgiving yourself for something that was never your fault. You think your sister would want you to feel like this, live like this? You can’t heal until you forgive yourself. Let me help you.”

  His eyes welled. My damaged, heartbroken man was really finally letting me in. He was trusting me. He pulled me tight to his chest. Our hearts and breathing synced, I waited.

  “Will you come somewhere with me? I need to go to Boston. Soon.”

  “I have Sierra’s baby shower in Cape Cod this weekend, come with me. Then we can stop in Boston on the way back.” I ran my hands up and down his chiseled arms.

  “Baby, you have no idea how much that would mean to me. Thank you.” He kissed me so tenderly I moaned at the loss of his lips. He glanced down at his watch. “Fuck, I have a case in thirty minutes, I need to go.” Both of us still such an emotional mess I didn’t want him to go.

  “I know I fucked up, Blue, but I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try not to hurt you again.” I watched his shoulders slightly relax, like part of the heavy weight had been lifted. Something shuddered inside me. I repeated his words, I’m gonna try not to hurt you again. The relief from moments ago was gone. Somehow during my last breath I was more agitated. I stared at him, and like always, his eyes were his story. There was something else. My gut told me there was another part to that weight.

  20

  Color

  “You’re here.” Sierra threw her arms around my neck. “See, baby girl? Aunt Lili wouldn’t miss your party.” Sierra rubbed her belly.

  I rolled my eyes. “Like I would ever, drama.”

  “Well, I didn’t know if Chase was going to steal you and fly you into the sunset.” She was actually dead serious.

  I had not expected her to be over our conversation this morning. At an ungodly hour, I pounded my semi-cold latte for any type of liquid courage. I knew she was going to freaking kill me. I knew she was only protecting me. She had watched me suffer; she saw when I was empty. She was the only reason I kept going. So I knew she wasn’t going to be happy when I didn’t leave with her and Dodd on the Acela train at nine in the morning. The train she insisted on. Sierra, being Sierra, had crazy visions of delivering mid-air and some nonsense about her daughter and statelessness. She was way too nervous to fly. And the rest of the crew was flying to Providence around noon, renting a car and driving the last hour or so to beat the Friday night traffic. I wasn’t going to do either. I couldn’t leave Chase after our emotional morning. I didn’t want to. So he picked me up at one with sushi take-out. Pete whisked us to the airport for our very quiet one hour and eight minute flight into Providence. Both of us too drained for much talking, it gave me a lot of time to think. The lyrics to Daylight flashed back to mind. What if this was my last glance and soon it would all be a memory? I wanted to slow it down. I needed to pause. I needed some time to process my feelings, his feelings and how our screwed up lives could mesh. Once we landed at four I knew the Route 6 Cape Cod traffic was inevitable. Chase continued to insist we would arrive by dinner. Well, after our forty-minute helicopter ride, he was right. His exact words had been: “Baby, I can’t change the traffic pattern, but we can fly over it.” Now, why didn’t I think of that?

  “You, stop it.” I pulled her aside. “Are you mad at me? I hope not because I love you and I love him and I really, really want you to love each other. Please give him another chance,” I whispered, wondering to myself if my heart could give him another chance. I hadn’t told her much from the morning, just that Chase was working through something from years ago. Shockingly, she hadn’t pushed me on it and I was appreciative.

  “Holy shit! How’d you not tell me you told him you loved him?” she hissed.

  “Shhh. I haven’t. I’ve only told myself ... and you. I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.” I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

  “Fine. I’ll try.” Moisture glistened behind her lids. Sierra NEVER cried. “You look so beautiful, Lil, I’m so happy for you.” After the day I had, hell, after the week I had, I was exhausted. Beautiful was a definite stretch, but I smiled at her anyway.

  “Damn this baby and my damn hormones.” I smirked. How could I not? Sierra was a hormonal hot mess. “Get the fuck away from me, please, before I lose it. Go get you and Dr. Personality some bubbly.” She pushed me toward the bar. “I ordered the yummy one you suggested,” she said blinking away her unshed tears to give me a sly smile.

  “You’re bat-shit crazy, you know that, right?” I walked back, kissed her cheek and rubbed my niece. “But I love you.”

  “Get your Asspuck ass away from me now.”

  I laughed for the first time all day.

  Chase stood at the bar alone. The hospital gang was stunned, to say the least, when we walked through the door together. You could have heard a pin drop. After a few awkward hellos and a “hey boss,” Leanne broke the tense silence and suggested a stroll down to the water. Jackson seemed the least fazed by Chase’s surprise arrival and probably would have stayed behind to talk shop and grab a drink, but it was obvious wherever Leanne was going, Jackson was going. They were turning out to be a cute couple. I totally called that one. Kate and the other two nurses Sierra had grown fond of during ladies’ nights at Rosa’s, conveniently decided they wanted a better look at the beach as well. I couldn’t blame them. Not for nothing, they were on a mini-vacation. Who wanted to hang out with the boss? A boss who had a tendency to run hot and cold. And, as of late, all hot. Kate had given me her feeble attempt at eye daggers before walking off, quietly whispering in my ear, “You go, girl!”

  Standing there drawing on his beer, he was breathtaking. I wanted him to be all mine, but I was hesitating. He was right. He worked at crumbling my wall, but that protective barrier was back, surrounding me. I leaned against the bar.

  “Hi, baby.” He kissed my temple and handed me a glass of champagne “You tired?”

  “Mm-hmm,” I moaned. “Think I’m going to finish my champagne and then head up, I’m really tired.” I was circling, spinning, twirling around that empty dark hole I knew so well. My brain and my heart were once again facing off. I wasn’t sure what I felt. But I knew I wanted him to stay and give me something to hold on to. I never wanted to see the bottom of that hole again.

  “Okay, baby, whatever you want to do.” He looked down at me with a soft melancholic smile. “Sierra has good taste in champagne.”

  I smiled at him. “I’m gonna head over there and say hi to some of the girls, if you want to go to the room now I don’t mind.”

  “I’m okay, baby, I’ll wait for you.”

  The Wychmere Beach Club was gorgeous. And our suite had a breathtaking view of the Nantucket Sound. The resort was situated just so, allowing the ocean to lap up on two sides. I stopped at the open French doors and stared out into the blackness. The repetitive crash of the gentle waves hitting the shore was the most peaceful sound in the world. It had more soothing power than Xanax and Zoloft combined. I should know. After my miscarriage, when it was clear that staying in Wrangel was not an option and before I had a chance to work out the logistics of moving to Philly, I retreated to this very beach. Sierra’s family owned a house a mile down the road. Their place, and more importantly, this beach was my safe haven. Just like I did now, I would clench my eyes shut and pace my breathing to the beat of the soft whoosh of the waves. I thought of nothing. Felt nothing. I barely recognized that debased heartbroken girl anymore. But what had I replaced her with? An unsettling pit formed in my stomach.

  Chase was on the balcony with a bottled beer, waiting for me. He looked relaxed sitting in a wooden Adirondack chair, with his feet crossed against the balcony railing. His white shirt that fit across his muscular chest perfectly was now unbuttoned and hanging wide open, exposing his perfectly sculpted abdomen. He was still wearing his grey slacks that hung low on his hips, but h
e was barefoot. I’d been in awe of his body since the day he unknowingly ripped his bloody scrub shirt off in front of me. I would have been blind to not be enamored by his physique; it was the perfect blend of a jacked NHL forward and a Calvin Klein underwear model. Staring out at him now, after he bared his soul to me earlier today, I was sad to think of the steep price Chase paid for that chiseled perfection—years of intense physical training, trying to literally fight the demons that haunted him. All of a sudden his need to step into a ring and fight made sense. How else could you exorcise the vision of your defenseless twin sister getting brutally defiled from your memory? It was his escape. Was it all that different from my need to run?

  A soft breeze bathed my face, bringing me back to the moment. I knew I should step out onto the balcony … that Chase was waiting. But I had no energy left. I wanted to sit on his lap and let myself mold into his warm embrace. I wanted to let him know how much his being here with me meant. How much his trusting me with his demons meant. How much he meant. But I just ... didn’t. Instead I showered and curled up in the massive king size bed and concentrated on the waves. Chase never came. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or hurt. Eventually I was lulled to sleep.

  “No. No. Fuck, stop!” The shrill shouting in the background of my dream scared the crap out of me. My heart hit my throat. I jumped straight up. I was wide awake. It was Chase; he was thrashing around the bed. Sweat was dripping from his brow. His t-shirt was soaked.

  “Chase!” He was still asleep. Dreaming. His lids were closed, but I could see his eyes pinballing back and forth. “Chase!” I shook his shoulder a little harder. He was ice cold and clammy. “You’re dreaming, baby, please wake up, please wake up. Chase, you’re dreaming.” I couldn’t wake him up.

  He continued to shout, “No, no … stop.”

  I ran to the bathroom and soaked a washcloth with cold water. I wiped his forehead and shook him hard. “Chase, please, you’re scaring me, please wake up.” His eyes flipped open, and I watched his body continue to tremble from head to toe.

  “Fuck.” He looked terrified. His eyes were so wide I thought they might pop out. “Blue.”

  “I’m right here, Chase,” my voice cracked.

  “Fuck, I scared you.”

  He had. I was trembling. He reached for me and I instinctively backed away slightly. I needed a minute, or maybe an hour, or a day, or a year, or maybe a lifetime. Confusion pummeled through me like a two-ton truck. Was I the cause of all of his demons resurfacing? We had slept together so many times and never had he had a dream like this. Maybe the combination of everything we both suffered through was not going to work.

  “Um ... I’m ... um ... I’m just gonna go for a run,” I stuttered, climbing off the bed. I fumbled in the dim light for my sports bra and shorts, slipped on my sneakers and left.

  “Lili, please, baby, come back.” I heard his voice from the other side of the door. It was tense, he was pleading.

  I hit the beach and started running. I wasn’t even sure what time it was, but it had to be very early. The sun was just coming up over the horizon. The pink and yellow hues should have been beautiful, but all I saw was grey. Every shade of grey flashed before my eyes. The looming black hole in sight. I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t go back to a world of no color. Chase gave me color and I wanted to keep it that way. What was I running from?

  Sweat beaded at the nape of my neck and dripped down my back. I ran harder and faster. The spray from the crashing ocean waves was not cooling my inferno. My calves were beginning to cramp from gripping the uneven sand, and my lungs were burning. I didn’t care. I pushed through the pain. If pain was what I needed to feel, so be it. I never wanted numb and empty again.

  Those weeks after I was raped, hell, the years after I was raped … hell, up until a mere six weeks ago, I felt nothing. And I hated it. And now after finding someone worth loving and knowing what it felt like to be loved, or so I hoped, I was questioning it. I thought back to a book my dad read to me as a kid ... sometimes when you love something so much you have to let it free. Was that what I needed to do? Maybe I couldn’t handle Chase and the nightmare that had him thrashing around in a cold sweat? Or was it that I couldn’t handle that I just might be the reason for his nightmare? I feared our combined heartaches were just too much. I clutched my sides as a sharp stabbing pain shook me. Was love supposed to have this much turmoil?

  The resort was a mere speck in the far distance when I finally stopped running and laid my back in the sand. My calf felt like a pit bull had gnawed through my muscle. I attempted to massage the tightening knot, while gasping to expand my burning lungs. What the fuck was I doing? I finally loved someone for the first time in my life and I was running away like I had for the past three years. What was I so afraid of?

  A muffled voice came from the distance. I would know that voice anywhere. “Fuck, Blue. Are you training for a marathon?”

  He came for me.

  How long was I gone? No doubt my body was going to be pissed tomorrow after the damage I just inflicted upon myself. The sun was up now, and at the sound of his voice, the reds and yellows bounced around under my lids. I took a deep soothing breath. He really was my color. How could I not fight for us? Yes, I was scared. But scared was something, a feeling. Scared was better than feeling nothing.

  “Baby, you ran for-fucking-ever.” He was getting closer. “You scared the hell out of me, I could barely see you. Those damn rock jettings were in the way.” He collapsed next to me, immediately pulling me against his chest. His heart was pounding as fast as mine. “You’re crying?”

  I forgot I was crying. But it was okay, because my mind was a tornado swirling with emotions. Emotions he was responsible for bringing back to me.

  His breath was forced and ragged from running. “Fuck. Don’t do this, baby, please. I need you. Don’t shut down, not now. Talk to me. Fuck, Lili, look at me.” His heart slammed against his drenched chest. “Tell me what I need to do.”

  I sat up and opened my eyes, squinting against the sun, wishing it were that simple. His disheveled wet hair looked almost black against his perfectly tanned skin. His bare rippled chest reflected the sun, accentuating the dark ink down his taut ribcage. His eyes were wide open. The intense softness behind them told me without a doubt, this man would never intentionally harm me. Guilt rippled through me when I remembered how I withdrew when he asked if he scared me. I wished I could take that back, erase that part of the scene.

  Chase ran his warm fingers under my puffy lids, wiping away the last of my tears. His touch calmed me from the inside out. Our eyes locked, and suddenly, the last thing I ever wanted to do again was run. I had been running away for three years. Shit, I’d been sleep running if such a thing existed. After that bastard violated me, I tucked my heart and soul to bed and ran away from any place or anyone that threatened to wake that part of me up. Until this beautiful man panting in front of me charged into my life.

  “I don’t want to run anymore, I’m just so tired of sleep running.” It was all I could say. It was true. I was tired of running. Tired. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stay awake. I didn’t want to run away from any more of my life. I just wanted to feel. If that meant not always feeling happy, not always feeling comfortable, if it meant suffering through times of worry, times that made me scared, times of sadness and heartache, then I was in. I wanted all in. If love was my only constant, then nothing else mattered.

  “I want you to be my constant. When I open my eyes in the morning I never ever want to wonder where you are, if you ran away from us. The thought that I was the reason for your nightmare this morning scared the shit out of me. You’ve been through so much, and I’m so scared that our combined heartaches are just going to be too much.”

  “Baby…”

  I hushed him because he needed to hear me out.

  “Until I met you, Chase, I was drifting in a sea of nothing. I walked around in a world of grey. I literally built a shield, blocking out every pen
etrable emotion. I didn’t let anything through. And then you came along and crumbled my wall.”

  “Baby, first of all, you did not cause my nightmare. I’ve had them for years, but less frequently lately. They’re the reason I never slept with a woman ... before you.” My eyes widened. Confused. “Not that you want to hear this and not that I’m proud of it, but I’ve never been one to share my bed, uh-um, after ... until I met you. Now I can’t imagine sleeping without you tucked by my side. But maybe you’re right, maybe me telling you about Kimi brought shit back to the surface. I’m so sorry I scared you, but what scared me more was you running out the door. So sitting here listening to you tell me you don’t want to run anymore, you don’t want to sleep run, fuck, Blue, you just made me the happiest man alive.” He tenderly ran his hand down my cheeks and tucked the loose strands that fell from my ponytail behind my ears.

  “Just promise me you won’t walk away again. I’m tired of living my life like a bad movie. I don’t want anymore pauses ... no more rewinds. I want our life to play out live. You woke me up, Chase. You brought color back to my life. The only time I ever want to see grey again is when I’m looking in your eyes.”

  His tender lips claimed mine as he leaned me back onto the sand. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I want you awake and I definitely want our life playing out live because I don’t want to miss a fucking second of it.”

  The last layer of my barrier evaporated into thin air. I closed my eyes and saw nothing but bright vibrant colors. I gripped him tighter. If I could have climbed inside him I would have. I wanted this, I wanted all in, even the fucked up parts.

  I winced when Chase finally let go of me, wanting the moment to never end. “Come on we have a baby shower to get ready for. I don’t think getting you there late will score me any points with your best friend.”