The Heartbreak Cafe

by Melissa Hill

  She reached for her mobile phone on the bedside locker and automatically dialled her mother’s number.

  It went straight to voicemail. ‘Hi Mum, it’s me, Nina,’ she said, trying to control her sniffles so it wouldn’t sound like she’d been crying. ‘I know we spoke this morning and you’re probably on the road now but …’ Then she paused, wondering what she was trying to achieve. The last thing she should do was make a huge fuss and have her mother worrying about her. Yet, at a time like this, it was incredibly difficult not having Cathy to talk to. All throughout Nina’s life, her mother was always her first port of call, but really this wasn’t the time. She took a deep breath. ‘Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and I hope you and Tony are having a really good time. Talk soon.’ She hung up the phone and stared at it for another moment, almost willing it to ring, willing her mother to have already listened to her message and to call her back. But he phone stayed silent.

  She lay back down on the pillow and closed her eyes. What had Patrick meant when he said that she was just like her mother? Was he still so angry with Cathy for leaving him that he believed her to be a bad person? Nina couldn’t understand most of what he said at the best of times, never mind the riddles he’d come out with just now.

  She clasped her eyes shut. Regardless of what he had said, she wished she could take back her own biting comments, she had said them just out of spite and that wasn’t like her. Still, it was notable that Patrick had displayed some kind of emotion about that, when he usually behaved as if he cared about nothing

  But he had obviously cared about her mother.

  Nina decided not to ponder it; the main thing was she knew she had to get out of here as soon as possible.

  She laughed bitterly; realising yet again that she’d been forced out on her backside by the actions of a heartless male. Thinking of Steve she felt her heart harden. She wondered where he was right now, what he was doing.

  Mostly, she loathed the fact that her baby would have any of his genes. She wanted to scream, at someone, anyone. She thought about picking up the phone and calling Steve to bawl him out again, but fear got the best of her. If anyone else happened to answer his phone, it would be just too much for her, and she didn’t think she could take any more emotional outbursts today.

  She curled up in bed and tried to calm her thoughts. It was a pity because all in all, things had been looking up in Lakeview; she had some friends, a job and developed a somewhat civil relationship with her father. But now that relationship was back to the tense place it had been before.

  She didn’t want to live here but still, she had nowhere else to go.

  Recalling Patrick’s religious reference, Nina again realised this was truly was like living in purgatory and she couldn’t help wondering – as his words echoed through her brain – if her mother had felt the same way.

  Chapter 19

  Jess was not in a good mood. It had now been six weeks since she’d stopped taking the pill and still she hadn’t managed to talk Brian round.

  To top it all off, she’d got her period that morning, which for some reason had put her in dire form. OK, so she knew the chance of her conceiving so soon had been slim, but now that she’d set off down the path of letting nature take its course, nothing happening almost felt like a personal affront, and she was offended by the thought that she hadn’t succeeded on the first go. After all, she usually succeeded at anything she put her mind to and had hoped that becoming a mother would be the same.

  Still, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Who knew what kind of a reaction Brian would have if he discovered she’d gone ahead and stopped taking the pill without consulting him? And in truth, Jess felt kind of guilty about that, but she’d been so sure she would be able to talk him round in the meantime that it didn’t feel like she was doing anything wrong. She’d tried to convince herself that her husband would only thank her once they had a beautiful little daughter or son to play with.

  She winced as she was hit with yet another menstrual cramp.

  It didn’t help that Brian still wouldn’t really talk about it, and while they’d skirted around the subject a few times since she’d first broached it, some kind of problem at work had surfaced in the meantime, which meant that much of his concentration had been on that.

  ‘Sweetheart, I know what you’re like when you get an idea into your head. But the more I hear about it, the more convinced I am that this sudden maternal urge is all about feeling left out by the girls,’ he’d said, when Jess had stupidly mentioned something about a recent outing with Deirdre and Emer. ‘And as I said, that’s no basis for a decision.’ Thankfully, he still had no idea that as far as the girls were concerned a decision had already been made.

  But no matter how much Jess tried to draw him away from that excuse and more towards the matter of her age, he wouldn’t hear of it.

  ‘You can be like a dog with a bone sometimes,’ he said exasperated. ‘But this isn’t one of your work projects Jess; it’s a lifetime commitment, and it’s not one we should enter until both of us are sure we want it right now. And to be honest, I know I’m not certain we’re ready just yet.’

  ‘But why not?’ Jess demanded. ‘We love each other loads, have a great life, good jobs – we are ideally positioned to start a family now.’

  ‘Exactly. We have a great life. I’m not so sure I’m willing to give up all the fun and freedom for late night feeds and dirty nappies. And I don’t think you are either, but you just won’t admit it.’

  She hated that he was being so pessimistic about it all and especially hated that he usually tried to distract her from the subject with talk of parties and trips, when she’d made a point of the fact that she wasn’t necessarily interested in any of those things anymore. She was an adult and there was more to life than shopping and holidays.

  Oddly though, when he did manage to get her to a party, she tended to forget all about babies and was easily able to throw herself into the thick of the revelry. She wondered what that said about her, was she really that vacuous that she could be so easily dissuaded?

  With this new set of issues on her brain, Jess set out on the drive to Lakeview for yet another visit to Emer. Thanks to their newly shared interest in all things baby-related, the friendship was now fully restored and in truth, Jess relished spending time not only with Emer but her little daughter too. It was good practice and Emer was only too happy to fill her in and help her learn all the things there was to know about raising a child.

  Some time later, she arrived at her friend’s house, her thoughts so preoccupied she hardly remembered the drive there. Getting out of the car, she headed to the front porch. She was a little earlier than their agreed time – hopefully Emer wouldn’t mind.

  But as she was about to ring the doorbell, she thought she heard raised voices from within.

  Jess looked around to see if anyone was observing her standing there. She wondered if she should just get back in the car and drive around for a while as the last thing she wanted was to interrupt any awkward situation. From the inside of the house she heard Emer say, ‘That’s just the thing Dave, you are never here! I never get any help!’

  ‘What are you talking about? You’re the one who wanted a house full of kids, a huge house in the country. Didn’t you realise that it would come with a price?’

  ‘Yes but all those extra hours? I’m starting to feel like a single parent!’

  ‘Well how the hell do you expect us to pay for all this?’ he retorted and Jess blanched, suddenly understanding the real reason behind Emer’s barbed comments about her clothes and spending of late. It wasn’t that she begrudged her; but more that cash was obviously scarce in her own household, and this was starting to affect her marriage.

  Now Jess felt guiltier than ever for being so flash with her spending recently. To Emer it surely would have looked as though she was rubbing her nose in it. Yet until now, Jess had had no real idea …

  ‘Look I told you from the start that I didn
’t necessarily want….’ Dave’s voice continued, and again, Jess’s interest was piqued. What didn’t Dave want? The move to Lakeview? Or perhaps a baby?

  But she was unable to think about it for much longer as on the other side of the door, she heard loud footsteps approach. Yikes!

  If she didn’t do something soon, whoever was on the other side would open it up and see her standing there. Fumbling for the doorbell, she accidentally pushed it twice.

  ‘Bloody hell – where’s the fire?’ The door swung open and there Dave stood in his work suit. His face was flushed and angry, and at that moment, Jess felt about two feet tall, terrified he and Emer would realise she had heard every word.

  ‘Oh, hello Dave. Didn’t expect to see you home,’ she said with an affected smile.

  He snorted derisively. ‘Yeah, I’m sure my lovely wife talks your ear off about it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Don’t mind him,’ Emer said, coming into view and Jess could tell her friend was trying her utmost to compose herself. ‘Dave is just a bit … stressed out with work at the moment, aren’t you, love?’

  ‘Yes love – that’s what it is, stress,’ Dave answered, ice in his voice. ‘Anyway, I’ll leave you two to chat and shop or whatever it is housewives do,’ he added nastily, especially given that one of them wasn’t a housewife.

  He picked up his briefcase and walked out of the house, loudly rattling the doorframe as he left.

  ‘Um, is this a bad time?’ Jess asked. ‘I know I’m early but could we do this another time if … you know … you’re not up for it.’

  Emer stared at her blankly. ‘What are you on about? Everything’s fine. Come on in. Amy’s having a nap so with any luck we’ve just enough time for a cuppa before she wakes up.’

  Jess followed her into the kitchen. ‘Are you sure you’re all right? Dave seemed a bit … stressed out.’

  Emer flushed so brightly Jess was instantly sorry she’d said anything. ‘Not at all, it’s fine.’

  But Jess barely heard her; she was too busy staring at the broken glass on the kitchen floor, curiously close to the wall.

  ‘Oh don’t mind that; I knocked it off the counter as I was doing the washing up,’ Emer stuttered making Jess even more suspicious. Despite her friend’s protests something was seriously wrong here. But she wasn’t going to push her to talk about it – if Emer wanted to reach out, she would do it in her own time.

  Emer quickly cleaned up the mess and kept up a steady chatter as she readied herself with making a pot of tea.

  ‘So, how have you been?’ she asked. ‘Any news?’

  ‘Oh fine, fine. I finally finished that blasted G-Force project, which I was really glad about, I can tell you …’ Jess said, happy to talk to someone who understood her work.

  ‘No I mean, any news?’ Emer smiled, raising an eyebrow, and Jess reddened realising what she was getting at.

  ‘Oh nothing yet, but here’s hoping!’ she grinned, raising crossed fingers into the air.

  ‘I’m sure it won’t take too much longer. Especially when you’re so dedicated to the idea.’

  Jess wondered privately how long it would take when she was the only one dedicated to this idea but she couldn’t share this with Emer.

  ‘I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see,’ she said diplomatically, this time hoping her friend wouldn’t push the subject.

  ‘That’s the right attitude. At least you’re not like I was when we started. I was like a women possessed! I don’t know how poor Dave put up with me, but of course when Amy arrived, it was all worth it.’

  ‘I can imagine.’

  But considering the argument she’d heard not five minutes before, Jess wondered if this were actually true.

  Later that same evening, Jess sat in front of the TV with a glass of wine, feeling dejected. Despite that awkward situation with Dave, she and Emer had had a great day in Lakeview, having lots of fun with Amy, and discussing how much Jess’s life would change once she had one of her own.

  ‘You won’t be able to remember what you did with your time,’ Emer assured her, but Jess figured she’d remember all right, as much of her time was spent alone in this house while Brian was either working late or abroad.

  Yet another good reason for starting a family; she’d be so busy with their child, it might help chase away the loneliness that she’d been feeling lately.

  Jess realised she was slightly tipsy as she grabbed the TV remote and flicked through the TV stations. She channel-hopped for a while, unable to find anything of interest, until finally she stopped at one those True Lives channels that was showing a programme called: My Surprise Baby. It was a documentary about women who gave birth when not having the foggiest idea they were pregnant beforehand. She watched the show; entranced by the notion that a woman could go an entire nine months without knowing she was knocked up.

  How could you not know? Jess thought to herself, feeling slightly put-out that these women could achieve so easily what she herself wanted.

  Then she heard the front door open and immediately changed the channel.

  Brian walked in, cheerful and smiling. ‘Hello love,’ he said popping his head around the living room door. ‘What are you doing sitting there in the dark?’

  ‘Hey,’ Jess managed a smile. ‘I was watching TV, but there’s nothing on.’

  ‘There never is,’ Brian wasn’t a big fan of television, and Jess always joked that this was because he could never sit still long enough. ‘Have you eaten?’

  ‘Yes, I had something earlier. You?’

  Brian patted his stomach. ‘Just back from a very long lunch at my favourite restaurant.’ He grinned satisfactorily. ‘So I won’t be hungry for a while.’

  ‘You were at L’Ecrivain again?’ Although she shouldn’t have been surprised. The Travel Company always liked to wine and dine their clients in style.

  ‘Yep – and we managed to get that Murray account situation resolved over a nice bottle of Sancerre. So a good day all round I’d say. How was yours? Did you enjoy your day off?’

  ‘It was great.’

  ‘Buy anything nice?’

  Jess stared at him. Why did he automatically assume she would use her day off to go shopping? Maybe because that was what she usually did? she reminded herself quickly. More often than not she’d spend the day in town, getting her makeup done at BTs before dropping a fortune on shoes and beauty products. She really was a silly, one-dimensional person, and Jess was only sorry it had taken her so long to realise it.

  ‘I didn’t go shopping Brian, I spent the afternoon at Emer’s.’

  Her husband raised an eyebrow. ‘Again?’

  ‘Yes again – why?’

  ‘It’s just that you seem to be spending all your free time in Lakeview lately. You’ll be talking about us moving down there next.’ The words sounded jokey, but Jess knew the sentiment behind them wasn’t.

  ‘Well maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad idea. It’s a nice place, very friendly and peaceful.’

  ‘Peaceful?’ he chortled derisively. ‘Since when did you like peaceful?’

  Jess folded her arms across her chest. ‘Maybe since I decided that it’s time for you and I to grow up and start behaving like adults.’

  Brian sighed. ‘Oh I get it. Here we go again.’

  ‘Yes, here we go again. Although it seems there is no ‘we’ these days. It’s all about you and what you want.’

  ‘For crying out loud Jess….’ Brian loosened his tie. ‘Do we need to do this now? I’ve just got home from a very hard day and – ‘

  ‘A hard day wining and dining in a Michelin star restaurant? Wow, sounds tough.’ Jess couldn’t believe how bitter she was sounding but she couldn’t help it. She felt bitter and frustrated and confused and a whole lot of other emotions that were alien to her. ‘My heart goes out to you.’

  ‘What the hell is wrong with you, Jess?’ Brian said, sounding hurt. ‘OK, so it might have been a nice restaurant but trying to hold on
to clients these days sure isn’t fun. You know the company’s been struggling lately so why are you laying this on me now?’

  ‘You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just that … well, it seems that for us, life is all about work, and has been for years.’

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ Brian sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. ‘I really can’t believe you want to start this whole baby thing up again.’

  ‘Start it up again? Brian, I haven’t been able to start it up at all, because you won’t even talk about it. You won’t even let the subject be open for discussion.’

  His mouth pursed. ‘I thought I told you that we would talk about it when you give up the ridiculous notion of needing a baby to keep up with your friends. You’re a grown woman Jess, so why are you behaving like some high-school teenager?’

  ‘Exactly, I am a grown woman – well grown actually and soon to be over the hill.’

  ‘This is unbelievable….’

  ‘What is unbelievable Brian? The notion that I’m getting older, or that I’m growing up?’

  ‘Don’t talk nonsense, everything was fine before all this rubbish with Emer and Deirdre started, and now suddenly our life is pointless and immature! What the hell is wrong with you, love?’

  ‘What’s wrong with me? Actually, I think we need to ask what’s wrong with you!’

  ‘Oh, I can assure you I am perfectly sane. You won’t come home to find me sulking and meeting you at the door with crazy talk.’

  ‘Crazy talk? What’s so crazy about wanting a baby, Brian?’

  ‘Absolutely nothing, when you want one for the right reasons; however, there is something totally wrong with it, when you only want one to keep up with your friends who have turned suburban.’

  She decided to ignore this, preferring instead to turn the spotlight on him. ‘No, don’t pretend to think that this has anything to do with me, when it has everything to do with you. You’re a commitment-phobe Brian.’