Robot Riot!

by Andy Griffiths

  ‘What colour are they?’ asked Jenny.

  ‘Red when activated,’ said Grant. ‘The laser beams incinerate everything the robot looks at.’

  ‘Wow!’ said Jack, getting carried away in spite of his scepticism. ‘They sound pretty cool!’

  ‘No!’ said Newton. ‘I’m scared of laser-beam eyes.’

  ‘They do sound a bit dangerous,’ I said. ‘We don’t want anyone getting hurt. We just want to stop Roberta.’

  ‘I guess you’re right,’ said Grant. ‘I suppose that rules out flame-thrower hands as well?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘I’ll give it an ultra-high-frequency enemy-robot signal jammer,’ said Grant. ‘That’s what my dad’s been working on. It’s very effective.’

  ‘What does it do?’ I asked.

  ‘It emits an extremely high-frequency pulse that scrambles the enemy robot’s circuits,’ said Grant. ‘It can also shatter glass, but that’s less useful.’

  ‘An extremely high-frequency pulse,’ said Jack. ‘I’d like to hear that.’

  ‘You can’t,’ said Grant. ‘It’s too high for the human ear to hear. Only robots—and dogs—can hear it.’

  ‘I kinda figured that,’ said Jack. ‘I was joking.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Grant. ‘Well, very funny. But getting back to the situation at hand, do you want the robot to be able to turn into a submarine?’

  ‘Can you do that?’ said Gretel.

  ‘I think so,’ said Grant. ‘And does it need to be able to travel into space?’

  ‘It could be really handy if a chase situation develops,’ I said. ‘We don’t know what Roberta is capable of.’

  ‘Done,’ said Grant. ‘Anything else?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘Just give it anything else you think it would need to be able to protect Earth against a robot uprising.’

  Grant nodded. ‘In that case I’d really recommend the flame-thrower hands.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said.

  ‘Good decision,’ said Grant. ‘You won’t regret it.’

  ‘Great!’ I said. ‘How soon can you have it ready?’

  ‘Shouldn’t take me too long at all,’ said Grant. ‘I reckon if all the materials I need are available and everything goes according to plan I should have it ready, hmmm, let me see . . . by the end of the year.’

  ‘WHAT?!’ we all cried.

  ‘Is there a problem?’ said Grant.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘We can’t wait that long!’

  ‘When do you need it by?’

  ‘TOMORROW MORNING!’ I said. ‘At the very latest! We’re pretty sure she’s planning something for the school assembly.’

  Grant nodded. ‘I see,’ he said, taking this new information in. ‘That doesn’t give me much time.’

  ‘Can you do it?’ I said.

  ‘I guess it’s possible,’ said Grant, ‘but I may not be able to include all the features you wanted. Like submarine capabilities, for instance. That’s pretty complicated.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘The only water close to us is Northwest Lake, which is really just a big puddle. Can we still have space travel, though? Interplanetary robot-chases are quite common.’

  ‘Of course!’ said Grant. ‘Space travel is a standard feature on all my robots.’

  ‘How many have you made?’ said Gretel.

  ‘This will be the first,’ said Grant. ‘But if this works I’ll probably build a lot more.’

  ‘If it works?’ said Jack. ‘What do you mean if it works?’

  But Grant wasn’t listening. He had his head down and was scribbling away. ‘I’ll see you all tomorrow,’ he mumbled. ‘Let’s meet at the front gate half an hour before school starts.’

  We all looked at each other. It was obviously time to leave.

  ‘Do you think he can really do it?’ said Newton, once we were back out on the street.

  ‘He has to,’ I said. ‘It’s the only hope we’ve got.’

  ‘Well, that’s it then,’ said Jack. ‘We are definitely doomed.’

  32

  Grantbot 1000

  I got to school early the next day and met up with the others at the gate as we’d arranged.

  ‘Where’s Grant?’ said Newton, shivering as dark storm clouds massed overhead.

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘He was supposed to be here.’

  ‘Do you think everything’s all right?’ said Jenny.

  ‘It has to be,’ I said. ‘The future of mankind depends on it.’

  I looked up at the clouds.

  There was going to be a storm. That was for sure.

  ‘Here he is!’ said Newton.

  Grant was hurrying across the schoolyard towards us.

  ‘Well,’ said Jack. ‘Have you got it?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Grant, his eyes shining with excitement.

  ‘Where is it?’ said Gretel, looking all around.

  ‘It’s down behind Mr Spade’s workshop,’ said Grant. ‘I walked it to school really early so nobody would see. We’ve been here for a while. Come and check it out!’

  Grant hurried off without waiting for us. We ran after him.

  We followed him around to the back of Mr Spade’s shed where there was a large object covered in a sheet of blue plastic.

  ‘Are you ready?’ said Grant. ‘Prepare to lay your eyes on the eighth wonder of the world: the GRANTBOT 1000!’

  With a dramatic flourish, Grant swept the sheet of plastic away, revealing a large homemade but, nevertheless, terrifying-looking robot.

  It towered over us. It was made up of different sorts of metal all riveted and welded together. It had a big bucket-shaped metal head with a rectangular slot for eyes and a single antenna sticking out the top. Its arms were long metal tubes with big shiny steel claws bolted onto the end. Its legs were made of the same metal tubing as the arms—only thicker—and it was wearing a pair of knee-length black boots. Gumboots.

  ‘Wow!’ said Jenny. ‘That is really something, Grant! You’ve done a great job.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Gretel. ‘It looks extremely powerful.’

  ‘I’m scared!’ said Newton.

  ‘That’s the idea,’ said Grant.

  ‘Why is it wearing gumboots?’ said Jack.

  ‘I was going to build a pair of jet-boots for space travel,’ said Grant, ‘but I ran out of time.’

  ‘Well, it is going to rain today,’ said Jenny, ‘so it’s a good thing he has gumboots: it will keep his feet dry.’

  ‘Great!’ said Jack. ‘So it can’t go under water or fly into space but it can step into puddles. Does it at least have flame-thrower hands?’

  ‘Unfortunately not,’ said Grant. ‘I had an accident while I was trying to install them and almost burned down my dad’s workshop.’

  ‘We should have known,’ said Jack, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. ‘This robot doesn’t actually work, does it? It’s just a big toy.’

  ‘I’ll let you be the judge of that,’ said Grant. He turned to the Grantbot and said, ‘Grantbot, pick up the small human immediately to your right!’

  And then an amazing thing happened.

  Grant’s giant robot came to life.

  There was a loud whirring sound, followed by three sharp beeps. A blazing beam of light shot out of the opening in the front of its head. The robot turned towards Jack, who stood there blinking, and scooped him up in its powerful arms.

  We all gasped.

  Newton hid behind Jenny.

  ‘Let me go!’ yelled Jack.

  ‘Just a big toy, eh?’ said Grant.

  ‘I take it back! It’s the best robot ever! You’re a genius, Grant! Now make it let me go!’

  ‘Grantbot,’ commanded Grant, ‘let him go!’

  The Grantbot obeyed Grant’s order instantly. It opened its arms and Jack fell to the ground with a thud.

  ‘Hmmm,’ said Grant. ‘I think I probably should have said, “Put him down gently”.’

  Jack got up, ru
bbing his back. I was expecting him to be mad, but he wasn’t. ‘I’ve underestimated you, Grant,’ he said. ‘That is so cool! Could you make me one?’

  ‘How about we just get on with saving the world for the moment?’ I said.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Grant. ‘I’d prefer not to take any orders until we get that sorted out. How long before assembly?’

  ‘About fifteen minutes . . . and counting,’ I said.

  ‘I’ll just do some systems checks and then we’ll be ready to go!’ Grant opened a hatch on the front of the Grantbot’s chest to reveal a control panel and began tinkering.

  33

  A little problem

  I was getting restless. We could see students and teachers heading towards the assembly hall.

  Grant had been fiddling with the Grantbot’s control panel for what felt like hours.

  ‘Are you ready yet?’ I said. ‘Assembly starts soon.’

  Grant didn’t answer me. He was deep in concentration.

  ‘That’s strange,’ he mumbled.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘What’s strange?’

  ‘One of the central command modules is failing to respond.’

  ‘Well, make it respond,’ I said. ‘We really have to get going now.’

  Grant looked up from the control panel and stared at me. ‘Henry,’ he said, ‘there’s a little problem.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s not working.’

  ‘I wouldn’t call that a little problem, Grant,’ said Jack. ‘I’d say that’s more of a BIG problem. A REALLY BIG problem.’

  ‘I know, I know,’ said Grant, turning back to the Grantbot’s control panel. ‘But I just don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t fix it. I was running a test on the high-frequency enemy-robot signal jammer and for some reason it’s short-circuited the whole system.’

  ‘I knew it was too good to be true,’ said Jack. ‘As if this was actually going to work!’

  ‘Being negative is not going to help,’ said Jenny. ‘Is there anything we can do, Grant?’

  ‘Do you want me to give it a thump?’ Gretel offered. ‘That always works on our TV.’

  Grant shook his head and fiddled some more with the Grantbot’s control panel. ‘I don’t understand it . . .’ he muttered.

  I didn’t understand either, but then I never understood much of Grant’s techno-babble. ‘What are we going to do?’ I said, pulling at my hair and pacing around. I was starting to panic. The Grantbot was all we had, and if that wasn’t working, we had . . . well . . . nothing. We were doomed.

  Roberta and her robot buddies would take over the world.

  And what would become of us?

  What did Roberta mean by ‘exterminate’ exactly?

  Did she mean exterminate us forever, or did she mean exterminate our human identities and turn us into robot slaves? Would there be a Henrybot who looked like me, talked like me, told stories like me . . . only better?

  I didn’t want the world to be taken over by robots. The funny thing was that when I was younger I used to really like robots. In fact, I used to make myself robot costumes all the time. I would spend whole days dressed as a robot, acting like a robot, talking like a robot. I’d even try to sleep standing up because I figured that’s how robots would sleep. I’d always wake up once I hit the floor, of course, but that’s how much I loved playing robots. And I did have a box on my head to soften the blow.

  And then I had an idea.

  A crazy one, sure, but at least it was an idea.

  I turned back to look at Grant.

  ‘Any luck?’ I said, though I already knew the answer.

  ‘No, I’m sorry, Henry,’ said Grant. ‘I’m really sorry. I just can’t figure out what’s wrong. I’ll keep working on it though.’

  I patted Grant on the shoulder. ‘I’m sorry too,’ I said, ‘but thanks for trying—it almost worked.’

  ‘Well, I guess that’s it,’ said Jack, shrugging gloomily. ‘It’s all over. Roberta has won. So long, everyone . . . it’s been nice knowing you.’

  ‘Maybe not,’ I said.

  ‘What?!’ said Jack. ‘Are you saying it hasn’t been nice knowing me?’

  ‘No, I mean maybe it’s not all over. Not yet.’

  ‘What are you talking about, Henry?’ said Jenny.

  ‘We’ve got to get to the art room—fast!’

  ‘The art room?’ said Jack. ‘At a time like this? The school is about to be attacked by a super-advanced, super-intelligent robot and all you can think about is finger-painting?’

  ‘I didn’t say anything about finger-painting,’ I said. ‘I was thinking more along the lines of making a robot-fighting robot . . . only this time not an actual one, but a replica! Of course, we won’t be able to fight Roberta, but if we make it convincing enough, hopefully she won’t be able to tell the difference and we can bluff her into calling off her attack.’

  ‘Are you out of your mind?’ said Jack. ‘Assembly starts in five minutes! How can we possibly build a robot-fighting robot replica in that short a time?’

  ‘Because we have to,’ I said. ‘We just have to.’

  34

  How to transform yourself into a

  convincing robot-fighting robot replica in

  five minutes or less

  Things you will need

  * Yourself

  * Your friends

  * 1 large roll of silver duct tape

  * 1 large cardboard box

  * 1 small cardboard box

  * 1 roll of silver foil

  * 1 white plastic tray

  * 3 bottle tops

  * 1 sponge and a bowl of soapy water

  * 2 aerosol cans

  * 2 pipe-cleaners

  * 1 pair of scissors

  * 2 pairs of barbecue tongs

  Procedure

  1.

  Go to Mrs Rainbow’s art room. If you haven’t been able to find any of the things in the list, you’ll definitely find them there. (Mrs Rainbow’s art room has everything!)

  2.

  Cut a hole big enough to put your head through in the top of the large box.

  3.

  Cut an arm-hole on each side.

  4.

  Put your head through the head-hole and your arms through the arm-holes.

  5.

  Put the small box on your head.

  6.

  Grab a pair of scissors and make eye-holes so that you can see out.

  7.

  Note: make eyeholes carefully!!! If you feel sharp stabbing pains in your eyes, you’re probably not being quite careful enough.

  8.

  Put the box back on your head and draw a scary robot face onto the front. Get Jack to do this. Not only is he the best drawer—well, apart from Roberta, of course—but you’ve got a box on your head.

  9.

  At this point you will need to calm Newton down because he will be a bit freaked out by the scary robot face that Jack just drew. Get Jenny to do this because she’s really good at calming Newton down.

  10.

  Wrap silver duct tape around the gaps between the head and arm-holes and your body so it looks like your entire body is made of metal. I would suggest that you get Gretel to do this rather than Jack because he tends to get a little carried away with duct tape and, later, when you really need to get your robot-fighting robot-replica suit off, you won’t be able to.

  11.

  Wrap silver foil around all parts of your body that don’t have silver duct tape wrapped around them.

  12.

  Make an authentic-looking control panel by gluing three bottle tops onto a white plastic tray and sticking it on the front of your body.

  13.

  Make an authentic-looking jet-pack by attaching two upside-down aerosol cans (without their lids) to the back of your body.

  14.

  Make an authentic-looking pair of robot antennas by taping a pipe-cleaner on each side of your head. (Note: don’t let Newton do the taping. He’s not only
hopeless with tape but he’s scared of pipe-cleaners.)

  15.

  Put a pair of barbecue tongs in your left hand and secure them with lots and lots of silver duct tape. This will be your left robot claw.

  16.

  Get Jenny to do the same thing with another set of barbecue tongs and your right hand. (Note: you need help with this because these robot claws look great but it’s impossible to do anything with your hands—except clack the tongs menacingly—once they are on.)

  17.

  Use whatever silver duct tape you have left over to fortify your body, your head, your arms, your legs, your feet and your robot claws.

  18.

  Get Jenny to reassure Newton that you’re not really a robot-fighting robot, you’re just a fully functioning, completely convincing robot-fighting robot replica.

  19.

  Congratulations! You are now a fully functioning, completely convincing robot-fighting robot replica.

  20.

  Good luck!

  35

  Henrybot to the rescue!

  I looked at myself in one of the many mosaic mirrors hanging around the room.

  But I wasn’t me anymore.

  I was a robot.

  Sure, I didn’t look as scary as the Grantbot 1000, but I did look good.

  Good enough to call Roberta’s bluff . . . or so I hoped.

  ‘Not bad,’ said Jack admiringly. ‘Not bad at all. If I didn’t know that you were Henry McThrottle dressed up as a robot-fighting robot, I’d definitely think that you were a robot-fighting robot!’

  ‘Let’s hope Roberta feels the same way,’ said Gretel.