MAGNETIC REVERIE

by NICO J. GENES

  Only time would tell.

  Chapter 10

  IS THIS THE END?

  “Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.” ― Anaïs Nin

  I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. I almost didn’t feel my body. It was like I was weightless. My mind seemed empty. Now and then, I heard voices around me but I didn’t seem to recognize them or understand what they were saying. In the silence, my mind was preoccupied with such thoughts. But most other times, things were blank. At times, I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. It felt good to just sleep. I felt serene. A really strange feeling rose, that made me sad and happy at the same time. But then I just wanted to wake up from this state I was in. I couldn’t describe it. I felt trapped in my body, and yet, felt free, too. I heard voices around me. I didn’t know how much time had passed since I heard them the last time. Time was relative. Nothing made sense, nothing seemed measurable. I felt a touch on my hand but it still felt surreal. I wanted to respond to the touch but my body didn’t seem to react. It was like I was paralyzed or dead. I couldn’t be dead, because I couldn’t hear voices if I were dead. Why did I feel the touch? Was I imagining it?

  Perhaps I had fallen asleep – or maybe, I was imagining it because I didn’t hear the voices anymore. It then struck me that there was a constant beeping that I heard – normally, it would make me really nervous but not now. I felt like my breathing was following the rhythm of the beeps. Was I really breathing? I tried to move my hand in front of my face to feel the air that I exhaled but my hand didn’t seem to listen to me. I was not able to act on my own free will. I lay quietly in the darkness with my thoughts. The beeping sound continued. I think I was lying down – I couldn’t explain anything. Again, I heard voices. But I couldn’t open my eyes. I was trying to understand what they were saying but I couldn’t, it was incoherent. Somehow, the tone of the voice seemed familiar. Or maybe I was just delirious.

  Soon, it became quiet again. I felt tears in my eyes. Suddenly, I heard someone calling me by name. It was me! I wanted to yell to them to say I was here, and to ask if no one could see me, but not a sound came out. I tried, louder and louder, but nothing. I couldn’t talk. I felt relentless. I had to do something. I needed to get out of this darkness.

  I must have managed to open my eyes when a big light almost blinded me. I closed my eyes tight and tried many times, unsuccessfully, to open them. What was happening? One moment it seemed like I could see a man’s face. After many more tries, I managed to keep my eyes open and saw somebody leaning over me. It was Greg! I recognized him. He immediately started to talk to me. “Oh honey! You are back! I was so afraid I was going to lose you!” After my eyes got used to the light, I managed to keep them open. I saw that Greg looked liked he hadn’t slept for a long time. He seemed like he had lost a lot of weight. His hair and beard were a total mess. His eyes were tired and sunken in, and had dark circles around them. He was exhausted. My Greg! What happened to him? I felt so sorry. I wanted to hug him or at least touch his face, but I couldn’t. I looked around and noticed that I was in a hospital bed with an IV drip inserted in my wrist. I looked at the monitors by the wall and realized where the beeping came from. The sound was different from what it was in the state I was in before. Now, it was much louder and it bothered me. Then, everything was clear to me. I remembered the accident. That had been the factor that brought me to this situation. I looked at Greg. Despite his tears, he tried to smile. My head hurt. I felt weak. I couldn’t move much, but I wanted to say something to comfort him.

  “Greg!” I managed to say in a weak voice.

  “My sweetheart! You are back! Oh dear, I love you so much. I was so afraid to lose you! I can’t live without you! I am so sorry!”

  I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t react properly. A nurse and probably a doctor came to look at me, checked my vital signs and the guy that seemed to be the doctor smiled and welcomed me back. I tried to smile. I had no idea how long it took when I finally felt clear and found power to talk.

  “Don’t worry my dear. I feel weak, but I am fine now, at least I think I am!”

  “Thank God! You will be fine, I am sure. I will take care of you every day, I promise!”

  I must have fallen asleep after he told me this and kissed me. I was exhausted. I opened my eyes at a point when it seemed dark outside. Only a small light was in the room. I saw Greg asleep on the chair next to the bed and didn’t want to wake him up. I just looked at him, thinking that he still looked handsome but I could see that the past days weren’t easy for him either. I loved him and cared for him. The thought that I had caused him so much suffering made me feel a strong pain. I felt like crying. I don’t believe I had made a sound, but he opened his eyes and looked at me. When he saw that I was awake, he approached the bed and caressed my face and took my left hand in his. There was so much love and warmth in his gestures and in the expression of his eyes. It must have been a comforting feeling as it made me fall back to sleep.

  “How long have I been here?” I asked when I woke up again and it seemed to be morning.

  “You were in coma for ten days. Ten long days and nights. Actually, it was some kind of a semi-coma that gave us hope that you will wake up. I was with you all this time, praying and hoping you would be okay. Finally, you did. Today is the best day of my life. You returned to me! I have no idea what I would have done without you. I don’t want to live in a world without you. I was afraid that I would lose you. I love you so much! You mean everything to me!”

  “Ten days? I am sorry honey that I made you worry. Is everything going to be okay?”

  “The doctor will come back to run some tests. But they told me that if you managed to wake up, there are chances that you will be fine. You had contusions and the CT scans didn’t show major damages, just that the doctors couldn’t predict when you would wake up. They told me that they were optimistic but also advised me to be cautious as medicine isn’t always going to predict everything accurately. I stayed positive!” He leaned over me and kissed every inch of my face, hair and hands carefully. He couldn’t stop showing his affection and happiness that I woke up. In the next few days, I returned to a normal sleep schedule, I managed to take a few steps a day. I didn’t expect that it would make me feel so tired. I wasn’t use to being so weak. The confusion and disorientation I had on the first day slowly started to recede. They told me that it would take time to fully recover and that after discharge, I would need therapy and take periodical tests. It felt hard to concentrate and to pay attention to things and hold conversations. But Greg had all the patience in the world. At times, I felt agitated, nervous, restless, frustrated and dizzy. I couldn’t control those feelings no matter how much I tried.

  Luckily, signs of progress began to show. My doctor was impressed by how fast I recovered. He said I was lucky that I didn’t suffer major damage to my head as it could have been fatal or that I could be in a vegetative state.

  After a month, the doctors thought I was fit to continue my recovery from home. I could think almost as fast as I had prior to the accident. I could talk without trouble. I had gained some weight and could manage to walk for an hour each day. Headaches got milder, though they were still there. But, I was much better and felt like I was given a second chance and I was thankful for it. None of this would be possible if Greg wasn’t beside me all the time, with all his love, affection, care and guidance. Erica visited me from time to time. With her goodwill, jokes and positive words, she was a real pleasure to see. Greg called my parents and told them a moderate version of my situation as I told him I didn’t want them to worry too much. I didn’t want to make them jump on a plane and see me in this state.

  On the day of my discharge, Greg arrived with a big bouquet of flowers. He was happy and he couldn’t hide his happiness. “You look good honey!” he said in a cheerful voice and kissed me softly on my lips. “I am
sure that you will be more than fine soon. But you have to promise me that while I will be at work, you will listen to all the advice you received. You need to visit the doctor for checkups, and follow all that they expect you to.”

  “Thank you dear. I can’t wait to be back to normal. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t taken such good care of me. I love you, Greg!”

  “I love you, too, honey.” He paused and then continued talking, “Whenever you feel ready, we can try to get pregnant again. There is enough time for you to decide that, no need to hurry!”

  “What? What do you mean again?” Suddenly I remembered that I was pregnant before the accident. So I lost my baby! This felt so sad, so the fast recovery that they were forecasting for me didn’t bring any joy anymore. I lost my most wanted but unborn baby!

  Greg realized immediately that this was like a news for me and he hugged me tight telling me continuously that everything is going to be alright. That we are going to have as many children we will wish for. Tears were going down my face. How could anyone think in a moment like this that everything is going to be alright? It’s not alright, it’s never going to be alright. It’s never going to be the same.

  A few months passed. I was still on leave. Day by day, I got better. One morning, I sat peacefully in the living room, reading. Like a bolt of lightning, the dream came to my mind. For the past few months, I hadn’t had the dream. I didn’t even remember having had it. I read that some patients have memory loss, but during my therapy and conversations with Greg, it seemed that there was no memory loss in my case. Except, as I realized now, the part related with the dreams with Claire. Why did I have to remember it anyway? Why it didn’t stay erased for good? Although it was all a dream, I felt guilty, not only because I had cheated my husband but because I enjoyed it so much and now, wanted it again. He took care of me all this time, before and after I had those dreams. I told myself that concealment didn’t necessarily mean deception, but I still felt I was an awful person. I felt miserable and sorry that I had remembered the dream. It was a sign of recovery but I wished I hadn’t remembered it. I felt helpless and started to cry.

  I was aware that everything in life had a cause and an effect. But I wasn’t able to figure out what had caused my dreams. How did I create the circumstances that brought the right force of energy and made this happen? Life was energy, same as dreaming. Where did that energy come from? What exactly happened that made my dream take place? Why did it stop after my accident? Or did it stop when I woke up from coma? I didn’t know for how long I had stayed there and cried, but I knew that I had done so till Greg returned home. Since my accident, he had been working fewer hours in order to take care of me and to make sure that I didn’t feel alone. The rest of the time, he tried to compensate by working from home. But work wasn’t a priority any longer for him, although we were depending financially on his business.

  He must have thought that I cried because of my state, losing the pregnancy and because I was feeling alone and helpless being every day at home so I didn’t have to tell him anything. He hugged me and put my head on his shoulder and we stayed like that for a long time. His presence relaxed me and helped me feel better.

  “Are you hungry honey?” he interrupted the long silence.

  “Yes I am.” Although lately I didn’t have much appetite.

  “Then let’s get ready and go to Verde? What do you say?” I agreed. We hadn’t been there since our anniversary. Suddenly, the idea of going out seemed a really good one. It also made me get dressed elegantly, something I hadn’t done in recent times. Despite the fact that I had lost weight, I managed to find clothes that I looked good in. I looked at myself in the mirror. The smile wasn’t there. ‘Come on!’ I told myself. ‘For how much longer do you think you can stay this way? Live, smile, enjoy, everything will be fine!’ I spoke those words loudly. The sound of my voice seemed strange, but it made me decide to give up on my pathetic state. I saw Greg’s reflection in the mirror. He must have heard my monologue. He came to me, hugged me and kissed me and said in a happy voice: “That’s my girl!” This made me smile.

  It felt very good to be in places that made me happy again. It wasn’t the food this time that caused me such a nice feeling. It was more of life happening around me. I didn’t want to miss the joy that life had to offer. I suffered and that was the past. The next few days, we spent as much time outside taking longer walks and fresh air brought me back to life. I was slowly getting back the real me. But I knew that next to my self-motivation, I had to thank Greg for it. He was constantly by my side, saying or doing exactly what I needed to feel loved and adored. We made plans about taking small trips from time to time. We started to invite friends over again, and spent pleasant times together. They were polite and did not talk about my accident. This helped me think less about it too. I started to feel joy for the things I felt happy for, before. The joy grew slowly but steadily. One evening, when we returned home, I was so happy that I kissed him passionately the moment we entered our apartment. He was surprised but responded with the same passion. This kiss was different from the kisses we shared in the past period. I felt like I wanted him. As actually we didn’t make love since my accident. He never initiated, I never expressed the wish, so we were living without it in the past months. We made love that night. He was sweet and gentle and he did everything with caution. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it, but something wasn’t right. It was just my body present in this love making. Maybe I hadn’t fully recovered? Or maybe it was because of Claire? I had no idea. I felt like I was losing the feeling of happiness. Greg hugged me and put my head on his shoulder and we went to sleep. Why did I have to remember her again? I felt that her memory was in my way of overcoming this depression. I was awake for a long time with all kind of thoughts passing in my mind. I realized that I was responsible for it as long I stayed in this state. But I had lost the power. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. My body was weak. I needed the sleep.

  I knew it was not a reasonable thing for me to seek a chance to see Claire again, while such promising things were happening in my real life. I couldn’t help it. I thought more and more about her, despite the fact that my mind was trying not to. But sometimes, the mind fails to control the heart. At times, I felt weak. Most times, I could consider myself healthy and full of life. But, I felt like I had returned to the state I was in before. Maybe I was bored with the life I had been living lately. Maybe I needed the energy and excitement that I had in my dreams. Maybe just being with Greg and feeling his love was not enough for me. Maybe it was never enough and that was why I created Claire as my fantasy. Maybe there was something missing in my life in Washington that I wasn’t consciously aware of. Maybe, all the time, I foolled myself enough so that the only missing piece in the puzzle of happiness was a child. But maybe, I was closing my eyes to see something else. Maybe I was searching for reasons to return to my country.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have come here, anyway.

  No matter how well I would adjust, I would always be a foreigner. I would never feel American. I did not know what the explanation was, but I knew there was something. Maybe Greg’s love wasn’t enough for me, or maybe it was too much. I felt like I was his top priority but sometimes, this can be suffocating. He really made sure I didn’t miss anything. I couldn’t blame him for it. Maybe he was doing too much! Maybe I needed something else. Or maybe, I was just confusing appreciation with love?

  So many maybes and no real answers. I tried to ignore the thought of Claire each time she appeared in my mind, but honestly, I would give anything just to see her face again, to kiss her lips and to tell her that I was terribly sorry. These thoughts kept haunting me every day. It was hard to put up with them, especially when I was alone at home. Secretly, I even wished to have the dreams again, but this didn’t happen.

  Wait! What was I doing here? This was not life. Usually, positive people want to live life to the maximum. But lately, I only wanted to go to sleep, praying each night tha
t the dream would return and continue. During the day, I thought more about Claire than I should, totally ignoring Greg. I couldn’t live my life like this anymore. I felt as I wouldn’t have peace until I did something. I was ready to take the risk, to see what my chances were.

  The idea came into my head: it was the most logical thing to do. I had to go to Slovenia. I could use the voucher that Greg had given me for our anniversary and buy a ticket to Ljubljana. Ironic, I know. But I had to see her in reality. What I felt in dreams was something really amazing. But now, the dreams haunted me. I had to do something. I wasn’t living my life with Greg properly. I didn’t have a clear vision of our future together anymore. I believed my feelings for him were still there, but he didn’t deserve this.

  But I was selfish. I wasn’t doing this for Greg, I was doing it for me. I would tell him that I wanted to go home and hopefully he would understand and not offer to come along. As he had put work aside for long due to my situation, I was sure he would have to stay. Any further absence could jeopardize the business. But… How would I find her? Easy, I knew her and her brother’s names and surnames, and the name of the company David worked for. At least I had something to start with! It could have been easier if they had Facebook or other social media accounts. Of course, I searched for her everywhere online and couldn’t find anything useful. But this didn’t make me stop as the fact she wasn’t there didn’t mean that she didn’t exist. But was David really her brother? Was anything true from my dream? Anything palpable that I could use for the beginning of my search?

  She existed. She must have existed… For me… I would find her! I had to find her. Would my dreams become reality? I didn’t know. I knew I had to follow them.

  It took me two weeks to convince Greg. It wasn’t easy for him to agree and let me go to Slovenia. My doctor said I could go to this trip, but I had to take good care of myself, rest enough and not work myself up with anything, physical or emotional. I could say that I could make sure about the physical part, but not so much for the emotions. The moment Greg agreed – yes, I know it sounds funny, it was like I was asking my mom to let me go somewhere – it took me only few days to arrange everything.