Insane City

by Dave Barry

  “A pirate ship?” said Tina. “Seriously?”

  “Meghan’s on there,” said Seth.

  Tina sighed and shook her head. “Why am I not surprised? Daddy can get her off.”

  “I’ll go get her,” said Seth. “I need to at least explain what’s happening to—”

  “No,” snapped Tina. “You stay away from the boat. If you go out there, you’ll be caught up in that whole mess again.”

  “Teen, I already am caught up in it.”

  “No you’re not. Not anymore. It’s over. You want to marry me, you stay away from that boat. Daddy will handle the boat. That’s no longer your concern. You go get ready for the wedding. For our wedding.”

  “You really still want to marry me.”

  “I want to marry the guy I’ve been with for the past two years. The guy I planned this wedding with. That’s who you are, Seth. That’s the guy I want.”

  Seth nodded. “OK,” he said.

  “Good. Now go get ready. And get your guys ready. Blaze is freaking out.”

  Seth turned, started toward the door, stopped, turned back.

  “What?” said Tina.

  “I love you, Teen,” said Seth.

  Tina smiled, a breathtakingly beautiful smile.

  “I know you do,” she said.

  Seth turned and left.

  76

  The wedding went surprisingly smoothly, considering everything that led up to it.

  Like most grooms, Seth was nervous, but he managed to remain outwardly composed. He was glad to have Marty next to him, and Kevin and Big Steve close by. He believed he was doing the right thing.

  Even so, when Seth was asked The Question—Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?—another question popped up in his mind: What the hell am I doing?

  Seth hesitated then, and everyone saw it. For a few seconds, nobody breathed.

  Then Seth cleared his throat and said, “I do.”

  A modest cheer arose from the spectators. Marty punched Seth in the arm, which was inappropriate but welcome.

  The bride was just as nervous, maybe even more so. She, too, had last-second doubts. But when her time came to answer The Question, she, too, said she would.

  She said it in Creole, after Carl translated The Question for her.

  “You may now kiss the bride,” said Bobby Stern, who, as a result of his efforts to supplement his meager income as a party-boat captain, was a notary public in the state of Florida, as well as a Realtor and certified Pilates instructor.

  “Maybe just a hug,” said Seth. He leaned over and embraced his new bride, Laurette Aubin—now formally, if temporarily, Laurette Aubin Weinstein. She smiled shyly and hugged him back. Meghan and Cyndi, the co–maids of honor, hugged each other, sniffing with happiness.

  At that moment the Barco Loco’s aft starboard cannon fired, in part to celebrate the shipboard marriage, and in part to send a high-speed cluster of frozen nuggets flying in the general direction of one of the various motorboats operated by agents of various local, state and federal law enforcement agencies that had been circling the pirate boat, looking for a chance to board.

  “That’s almost it on the ammo,” called Duane, who’d been manning the cannons. “I can’t hold ’em off much longer.”

  “That’s OK,” said Marty. “Let ’em board. We might as well start the process.”

  “You really think this is going to work?” said Seth.

  “The truth? I have no idea.”

  “That’s encouraging.”

  “Hey, I’m a lawyer, not a fortune-teller.”

  “You’re not a lawyer.”

  “Don’t tell them that,” said Marty, as the first police boat arrived.

  The plan had been Marty’s, hatched while Seth was talking to Tina. Marty, waiting in the lobby, had done some Googling on his phone, then made a call. When Seth emerged from the elevator, Marty hurried over, excited.

  “I think I figured out a way to keep her here legally,” he said.

  “Tell me fast,” said Seth, heading for the rear door.

  They crossed the back lawn, Seth striding, Marty trotting next to him, talking fast, Kevin and Big Steve right behind.

  Seth interrupted Marty in his second sentence. “That won’t work,” he said. “You need a marriage license, and Florida has a three-day waiting period.”

  “Unless,” said Marty, “you get a hardship waiver from a judge.”

  “How the hell are we going to do that?”

  “We get the governor to help us.”

  Seth stopped in the middle of the lawn, turned to Marty. “Are you high?”

  “Yes,” said Marty, “but so is the governor.”

  It took two more minutes for Marty to convince Seth he was serious, and another two to explain the plan, which in its original form had Big Steve in the role of groom.

  “Why me?” said Big Steve.

  “Because you’re not married,” said Marty.

  “You’re not married, either.”

  “But I’m acting as counsel here,” said Marty. “It would be a conflict of interest.”

  “I’ll be the groom,” said Seth.

  “You can’t be the groom,” said Marty. “You’re getting married to Tina.”

  “No I’m not.”

  The Groom Posse gaped.

  “Holy shit,” said Big Steve.

  “Did Tina call it off?” said Kevin.

  “No,” said Seth. “Tina still wants to get married.”

  “You’re calling it off?” said Marty.

  “I guess I am.”

  “But why?” said Marty. “Seth, this is Tina Clark. She wants to marry you.”

  Seth shook his head. “She thinks she does. But I don’t think I’m the guy she thinks I am. Anymore, anyway.”

  “Whatever that means,” said Kevin.

  “You sure about this?” said Marty.

  “Absolutely,” said Seth.

  “OK, then,” said Marty. “You’re our groom.”

  “Whew,” said Big Steve.

  They caught up with Carl Juste at the beach. The five of them shoved the pontoon boat into the water, piled in and motored out to the Barco Loco, reaching it just before the first Miami-Dade Marine Patrol boat arrived on the scene. While Duane, manning the cannons, fended off the police, Marty explained the plan to Carl, who explained it to Laurette, who readily agreed. Bobby was happy to perform the ceremony, although he wondered if there wasn’t supposed to be some kind of paperwork. Marty assured him it was in the works.

  Bobby, aware of the circling lawmen, kept the ceremony brief. “Dearly beloved,” he began because he had heard these words in TV weddings. “We are gathered here together . . .” He paused then, because that was all he could remember from TV. He racked his brain, trying to think of other wedding-related quotations. All he could come up with was part of a verse from the Dixie Cups song “Chapel of Love.”

  “‘Today’s the day / We’ll say I do,’” he said. “‘And we’ll never be lonely anymore.’”

  Bobby then asked the groom and the bride The Question. They answered in the affirmative and hugged.

  Then Duane fired off the last of the chicken nuggets.

  Then everybody, including Trevor, was arrested.

  77

  Tracee, or possibly Traci, burst into the bridal suite breathless. She had just returned from the lobby, where she had been dispatched by Blaze Gear in response to disturbing reports being broadcast on Action 5 News.

  Traci (or Tracee) brought bad news: It was all true. The police had just paraded Seth and Meghan through the hotel in handcuffs, along with various other unsavory characters and animals.

  “I do not fucking believe this,” said Mike Clark, who fortunately, in light of the gravity of the situation, had a short while earlier been given permission by Wendell to change out of the flamingo costume. Mike kicked a coffee table hard, knocking over an elaborate complimentary display of pastries that had been sent to the bridal s
uite by the hotel management, although nobody had touched them because they contained carbs.

  Marcia Clark shot Mike a disgusted look. She rose and went to Tina, holding out her arms, prepared to hug and comfort her daughter regardless of the damage this might do to their hair and makeup.

  Tina held up a hand, stopping her mother. She kept the hand raised, standing statue-still, not even appearing to breathe. Thirty seconds passed in agonizing silence, everyone watching Tina, waiting, uncertain.

  Finally Blaze Gear, the professional, took charge. She walked over to Tina and, in her most soothing yet authoritative voice, said, “Listen, Tina, I know this is not what we planned. But these things happen. We can still make this work. They’ll post bail. We may lose an hour or two, but with some adjustments to the timeline we can still have your dream wedding come true.”

  Tina, coming out of her trance, lowered her hand, turned her head slowly and looked at Blaze, almost as if seeing her for the first time.

  Blaze smiled a reassuring smile.

  Tina, in a fluid motion, snatched the iPad from Blaze’s hands, turned and flung it cleanly through the open balcony window.

  “Or, not,” said Blaze.

  78

  Sid sat in the lobby, watching the passing scene. He was waiting for Rose, who had parked him in a chair while she went to the front desk to complain that their room key was not working. By questioning Rose patiently, the clerk was able to determine that she had been attempting to open the door with her ATM card.

  Her problem solved, Rose returned to collect Sid.

  “I just saw Seth,” he said.

  “Seth? Where?”

  “Here. They just took him out of the hotel.”

  “Who took him?”

  “The police,” said Sid.

  “The police took Seth out?”

  “Just now. With the orangutan from the TV. And a man with a big snake.”

  Rose looked around the lobby, then back down at Sid.

  “That’s it,” she said, “no more brownies.”

  She helped him to his feet and they started toward the elevators. En route they crossed paths with a short, stocky man who had just arrived at the hotel in a Lincoln Town Car. The man wore a sharp fedora and was clad in black, dressed warmly for South Florida. He went up to the front desk.

  “May I help you?” said a clerk, the same one who had just solved Rose’s room-key problem.

  “Yes,” said the man. “Could you please ring the room of Wendell Corliss.” He spoke with an Irish accent.

  “Certainly,” said the clerk, picking up the phone. “May I ask your name, please?”

  “Tell him it’s Van Morrison.”

  EPILOGUE

  Everybody got into trouble, but nobody went to jail.

  Seth and Cyndi faced serious charges for their alleged assault-and-robbery spree. But as far as investigators could determine, the assaults and the robbery were actually committed by Trevor. So Seth and Cyndi were able to plea-bargain down to relatively minor charges, which, in time and with good behavior, would be expunged from their records.

  Meghan also faced serious charges in connection with the assault on Officer Delgado and the theft of his police cruiser. But Meghan had a team of very expensive lawyers hired by her well-connected father, plus the fanatical support of the animal-rights community. Her legal defense—that she was emotionally distraught over the shooting of Trevor and had taken the cruiser in a desperate effort to save the helpless animal from being killed in cold blood—was supported by the drugstore parking lot surveillance video. Ultimately, Meghan, too, was allowed to plead to minor charges.

  Brewer and Castronovo, also represented by Mike Clark–hired lawyers, successfully avoided prosecution by claiming that they had simply been trying, as former police officers, to apprehend what they believed to be dangerous wanted criminals. It helped that the owners of the Bay Wanderer refused to press hijacking charges against the Tinker Bells after discovering that their passengers that day had been thrilled by the gun battle with the pirate ship, which they believed had been staged for their entertainment. This battle soon became a regular and hugely popular part of the tour, with Yolanda Berkowitz acting as narrator.

  Bobby Stern’s defense was the converse of that employed by Castronovo and Brewer: He argued that he had been protecting himself and his ship from what he believed to be a pair of homicidal, gun-wielding lunatics. This argument had the advantage of being at least partially true. In the end Bobby was found to have committed a variety of relatively minor maritime infractions. He had his captain’s license suspended for six months, during which he became a certified CrossFit instructor.

  Prosecutors wanted to prosecute somebody for shooting chicken nuggets from the Barco Loco at law enforcement vessels, but in the end they could not prove who did it. So Marty, Kevin, Big Steve, Carl and Duane—especially Duane—all got off uncharged.

  Trevor also escaped prosecution, via the legal loophole of not being human. His crime spree turned him into something of a folk hero; he became a huge attraction once his leg healed and he returned to Primate Encounter, where he was given a larger, nicer cage. He had no desire to leave again. He had seen the outside world, and did not care for it.

  From time to time, Meghan visited Trevor. She was close by, having enrolled in the University of Miami, where she was taking courses that she hoped would one day lead to veterinary school. Trevor was always happy to see her and let her know, in every way he could, that he still wanted to mate with her. Meghan chose to keep their relationship strictly platonic, although when the trainers weren’t looking she slipped him Cheez-Its.

  Officer Chris Delgado recovered fully from his injuries and was granted early retirement with full benefits. He moved to North Carolina and never returned to Miami, even to visit.

  Banzan Dazu spent several weeks in the hospital recovering from a freak head injury he suffered on the day of the wedding. He was chatting up a young bikini-clad woman on the rear lawn of the Ritz, suggesting that she might benefit from an Ayurvedic massage technique that he, Banzan Dazu, would be more than happy to demonstrate to her in the tranquility of his room, when he was struck in the temple by an iPad that had apparently been thrown out of an upper-floor hotel window. The cause of the flying iPad was never determined, but the Clark family generously covered all of Dazu’s medical expenses.

  Seth and Laurette’s marriage was viewed skeptically by immigration authorities. Among other things, Laurette lacked the required documentation; in fact, she had no documentation at all. On the other hand, the couple was able to produce a hardship waiver signed by a Florida judge, as well as a letter handwritten by the governor himself on Ritz-Carlton stationery stating that his office considered the marriage to be legal in the state of Florida.

  A Miami immigration lawyer took Laurette’s case pro bono, and it soon became clear that the legal proceedings would be dragging on for a while, during which Laurette and her children would not be going anywhere. They moved into an apartment with Laurette’s sister, who had been able to work out her own immigration issues. With Carl’s help, Laurette got a job as a maid at the Ritz-Carlton. Stephane was enrolled in public school and became fluent in English in approximately twenty minutes. He got good grades and became a huge fan of the Miami Heat.

  Because of his ongoing involvement in various legal matters, Seth had to remain in South Florida. This meant he lost his job as a member of the Washington PR firm’s Social Media Mobilization Team, not that he was sorry about that.

  Seth was offered a job by Marty, who himself had been hired by Wendell Corliss as director of Special Acquisitions for the Transglobal Financial Capital Funding Group. In this capacity Marty bought pretty much any company that caught his fancy, including, at one point, a mobile ferret-grooming franchise business. At first Marty lost money, but once he got the hang of it, he lost even more money. This was fine with Wendell, who viewed the Special Acquisitions department purely as entertainment.

 
Marty offered Seth a good salary to come help him lose Wendell’s money, but Seth decided he’d rather not work for a friend, especially a friend who was more or less insane. He took a job at Costco and enrolled in night classes at the Florida International University law school. He planned to specialize in immigration law.

  Seth visited Laurette regularly, bringing her money when he had some, and always bringing gifts for the kids—usually Costco merchandise, as he got a discount.

  Three months after the wedding, Seth drove to Washington to pick up his stuff, which Tina had put into storage. He asked her, via text, if he could see her; she texted back that she’d rather he didn’t come to her place, but she’d meet him at a non-Starbucks coffee shop.

  She kept him waiting forty-five minutes. She walked in looking, if anything, more spectacular than ever. She ordered a latte and sat down.

  Seth started by trying to say how sorry he was; she cut him off, saying she didn’t want to talk about it. He asked how she was doing; she said things were great. No, things were fabulous. Professionally, she was doing some very important work with some major international NGOs. Seth said that was great, although he didn’t know what an NGO was. Tina said that things were also going very well for her personally. She mentioned the name of a lawyer she’d just had a fabulous dinner with; Seth was pretty sure it was the one who looked like Jude Law.

  Seth asked how her parents were doing, and Tina said they were also great. Her father had been admitted into some kind of exclusive organization and was thrilled about it. (Mike had, in fact, been accepted into the Group of Six, although his happiness would be short-lived; he was soon to learn that the main topic of conversation among members of the Group of Six was the rumored existence of an even more exclusive organization, the Group of Four.)