Insane City

by Dave Barry

  After ten awkward minutes, during which Tina didn’t ask Seth anything about anything, she said she had to go. As she stood, Seth pulled the ring box from his pocket and tried to give it to her. She said she didn’t want it. Seth said he couldn’t keep it, and noted that it had cost a lot of money. Tina said he probably needed the money a lot more than she did. That was the last thing she ever said to him. She never touched her latte.

  Six months after the wedding, Seth and Cyndi moved into an apartment together. Two months after that, they arranged to have dinner with Laurette, picking her up after her shift at the Ritz, and picking up Carl as well to serve as an interpreter. They went to Stan’s Transglobal Pizza of Key Biscayne. There, over a large pepperoni pie, Seth and Cyndi told Laurette, hesitantly, that they were thinking about getting married and asked if it would be OK with her—since she appeared to be no longer in any danger of deportation—if Seth and she got a divorce.

  When Carl finished translating the question, Laurette started laughing; Carl did, too. Seth and Cyndi asked what was so funny. Carl tried to answer, but he and Laurette were laughing too hard, the two of them holding on to each other to keep from falling over. Eventually Carl got the answer out: Laurette had been planning to ask Seth for a divorce, as she and Carl wanted to get married.

  “Ohhhh,” said Cyndi and Seth.

  They had a double wedding on the gazebo at the end of the back lawn of the Ritz-Carlton. They kept it very small. Cyndi didn’t even invite her immediate family, noting that because she was Cuban her immediate family would be somewhere around two hundred people.

  Marty was Seth’s best man; Meghan was Cyndi’s maid of honor. Carl’s best man was his cousin and Laurette’s maid of honor was her sister. The ceremony was performed by Bobby Stern. The other guests were the ones who’d been there when it counted: Big Steve, Kevin, Duane and Blossom, and Wesley and LaDawne, who held Laurette’s baby, and who took the occasion to point out, not in a quiet voice, that she and Wesley had been engaged for six years without getting married once, while in the past year alone some of these people had gotten married twice.

  Seth gave Cyndi a ring he bought with the employee discount from the Costco jewelry department. Carl gave Laurette a ring that Seth had given to them as a wedding present; it was the same ring Tina had refused to take back. Seth had told Laurette and Carl how valuable it was, so their plan was to use it just for the wedding ceremony, then sell it and buy a less expensive ring, plus a house.

  After the ceremony they had a picnic reception on the beach, catered by the Majestic Transglobal Rooster. They drank beer and laughed and told stories and sang and danced in the sand.

  As dusk crept over the ocean, Seth saw Laurette standing alone, looking out toward the place where he’d rescued her. She turned, saw him watching her, and smiled.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “Mêci,” he answered.

  Then night fell, and Laurette and Carl took their sleepy children home. One by one, the other guests also left, except for Duane, who passed out on the beach with Blossom coiled on his chest.

  Finally there was nobody left awake but Seth and Cyndi, sitting close together on the sand, the two of them watching the full moon rise, big and bright, making the restless dark ocean shimmer and shine.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to my wonderful friends and semi-relatives Ron and Sonia Ungerman, who helped me figure out the plot for this book on a sailboat in the British Virgin Islands, even though by the next morning we’d forgotten everything.

  Thanks to Judi Smith, for always knowing what I’m supposed to do next.

  Thanks to Neil Nyren for being the calmest editor alive, and to Ivan Held and Susan Petersen Kennedy for their unflagging support, not to mention always paying for lunch.

  Thanks to Michael Barson and Katie McKee for making book tours feel almost like some sick, twisted kind of fun.

  Thanks to Amy Berkower and the folks at Writers House for their diligence and guidance, and above all for attaching those little stickers that show where I’m supposed to sign.

  Thanks to my friend and bandmate Ridley Pearson, for all the gimlets.

  Finally, thanks to the people of the truly insane city of Miami, for making this job easy. Without you, this book wouldn’t exist; any errors in it are strictly your fault.

  Also by Dave Barry

  FICTION

  Lunatics

  (with Alan Zweibel)

  The Bridge to Never Land

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Peter and the Sword of Mercy

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Science Fair

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Peter and the Secret of Rundoon

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Cave of the Dark Wind

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  The Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog

  Escape from the Carnivale

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Peter and the Shadow Thieves

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Peter and the Starcatchers

  (with Ridley Pearson)

  Tricky Business

  Big Trouble

  NONFICTION

  I’ll Mature When I’m Dead

  Dave Barry’s History of the Millennium (So Far)

  Dave Barry’s Money Secrets

  Boogers Are My Beat

  Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway

  Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down

  Dave Barry Turns 50

  Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus

  Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs

  Dave Barry in Cyberspace

  Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys

  Dave Barry Is NOT Making This Up

  Dave Barry Does Japan

  Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need

  Dave Barry Talks Back

  Dave Barry Turns 40

  Dave Barry Slept Here

  Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits

  Dave Barry’s Homes and Other Black Holes

  Dave Barry’s Guide to Marriage and/or Sex

  Dave Barry’s Bad Habits

  Claw Your Way to the Top

  Stay Fit and Healthy Until You’re Dead

  Babies and Other Hazards of Sex

  The Taming of the Screw