“I’m sorry, Kathleen.” Jack’s voice was emotional, and I suspected that he didn’t even know what he was apologizing for.
“Don’t be sorry. Make your call and then we can talk in the car if you want.”
He nodded and pulled the ICU’s business card from his jacket pocket. He dialed the number and then looked my way as he waited for someone to answer him.
“Remember to leave your keys on the coffee table,” I added before walking out the door.
Two hours after I arrived at the emergency room, Jack and I were on the road to Portland. Jack was frustrated and I couldn’t blame him. His call to the ICU had been short. He’d been able to confirm that Heide had landed at OHSU, but she was still undergoing testing, and there were no new developments regarding her condition. She was in critical condition, still unable to breathe on her own. And that was all we knew.
Finding something to talk about was difficult. Nothing seemed appropriate or interesting, and we were both too tired to energize one another. I opted for listening to satellite radio and tuned in to a news channel, just to fill the conversational void. I had done the same thing the night my mother shot herself. It was now a habit.
Shortly before reaching the I-5, Jack’s phone rang. “That must be Allison calling about her flight.” He swiped the screen before bothering to check the display.
“Hello?”
I risked a glance at Jack, just in time to see his forehead furrow in confusion. “I’m sorry. Who is this?”
Jack reached out and grasped the dashboard. The odd movement unsettled me.
“I see. I appreciate the call. Thank you. I’m on the road so maybe we can talk when I get there? Thanks again. Bye.” Jack ended the call and set his phone down inside a cup holder with too much force.
“What’s happened?” I asked him with increasing fear.
“That was a chaplain, calling from the hospital. He wanted to introduce himself and offer his services.” As soon as Jack told me this, he broke down. He pitched forward, trying to bring his head to his knees, but the seat belt restrained him.
“Do you need me to pull over, Jack?”
“No!” he yelled. Then he violently lurched back against his seat and spoke again. “Yes. Do it.”
Jack’s voice was so poisoned by anger that I stopped the car at the first opportunity. As he unbuckled his seat belt, he spoke to me again. “Promise me we’ll only stop for one minute. One minute, and then we need to get back on the road.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
Jack bolted from the car and made his way over to the nearest tree. He commenced taking out his rage on the trunk of the evergreen, kicking, yelling and crying all at the same time. His emotional pain was overwhelming us both, and as much as I wanted to join him—to scream right along with him—I kept my eyes locked on the digital display inside the car. He’d asked for this minute, and I was allowing him to have it.
When his time was up, I went to Jack. Pine needles crunched under my shoes as I approached, and he ended his tirade before I reached him. I hugged him briefly from behind before leading him back to the car. I held the door open as he retook his seat and noticed he was perspiring. Once again, I was tempted to kneel down so I could kiss him, wipe his forehead and speak comforting words. But I knew better than to waste any time indulging my own desires. As soon as his feet were back inside the car, I closed his door and walked around to the driver’s side. I opened the back door, reached into a bag resting behind my seat and retrieved a bottle of water. When I resumed my place behind the wheel, I uncapped the water and handed it to Jack.
“Take a few sips of this. I’m worried you’ll get a headache.”
He did as he was told while I pulled back out onto the highway.
After a few minutes, he voiced his fears. “They must not expect her to live. We’re trying to get to her, and they’re preparing to tell us the worst. What if she dies before we get there?”
I removed one hand from the steering wheel and took Jack’s. “She’s strong,” I said while squeezing his hand. “She’s full of fight and nowhere near done making her mark on this world. She’s at one of the best hospitals in the state. She’s going to survive this, Jack.”
She has to.
IT WAS late in the afternoon when we arrived in Portland. Rush hour was well underway and, even with my knowledge of the suburban side streets, we were forced to accept the inevitable stop-and-go traffic that clogged the southwest section of the Rose City.
The hospital was located atop the West Hills with an agonizing trek up the steep and curvy road that led to the campus. We parked the car in a garage and began navigating the massive complex on our way to the pediatric ICU. After close to two hundred miles, we reached Heide’s room only to discover that she and her bed were both gone.
The space where we hoped to find her was stark and empty. Frightened, Jack smacked the doorframe with his palm before making his way to the nurse’s station located just out of sight from her room. A brunette nurse was alone at the station, concentrating on the computer monitor in front of her. Our approach didn’t go unnoticed for long, however.
“May I help you?” she asked with a friendly countenance.
“I’m Jack Evans. I’m looking for my daughter, Heide. She was flown here from Bend this afternoon.”
“Hello, Mr. Evans. Heide is in surgery. The surgeon had her taken to the OR as soon as her test results were complete. He knew you were driving up here, but her condition is critical, and he didn’t want to risk waiting for your arrival. I’m sorry. I know you’ve been through so much already.”
“What exactly did she need surgery for?” Jack asked, doing his best to remain calm. “How long has she been in there?”
“There is severe damage to her chest.” The nurse reached forward and opened a file on her computer. “She has many broken ribs, some of which punctured her lungs and caused them to collapse. She also has a lacerated liver, bruised kidneys and a ruptured spleen.”
“How’s her heart?” I heard myself asking in a weak voice. Jack glanced in my direction and pulled me close to his side. I held on.
“That’s where she was lucky,” the nurse replied. “Her heart appears to be fine with no signs of trauma. She’s been in surgery for a couple of hours now. Let me see if I can get an update for you both.”
“Thank you ...” Jack’s voice drifted off, unsure how to address the nurse.
“Terry,” she supplied. “I’ll be here until midnight so if you need anything, just let me know.”
Terry picked up the phone and dialed an extension. As we waited, I drifted deeper into Jack’s embrace, knowing it wasn’t fair to do so. I should be holding him up, not the other way around. After hours of nonstop stress, I was fighting a losing battle. There had been no peace since my breakfast with Don Taylor, and my mind’s exhaustion was now spreading throughout my body. While Terry completed her call, my eyes fluttered closed and my breathing slowed. I was at risk of falling asleep on my feet and only the sound of Terry hanging up the phone jarred me back to full consciousness.
“Heide’s surgery should be over soon. She’ll need to spend some time in recovery before she’ll be brought back to the ICU. It’s probably going to be a couple of hours before she’s back here.” Terry angled her head to study my face, and I pulled myself back into an attentive stance. “When was the last time either of you had something to eat?”
“Too long,” Jack answered, his arm still locked around my waist.
“You are more than welcome to remain here. I understand if you’ll want to sit with your daughter tonight, but if you do have a hotel room I’m sure there’s time for you to both freshen up and have something for dinner. You have to take care of yourselves in order to help your daughter heal. It’s important that you stick to your routines as much as possible.”
“We haven’t had time to think about those things,” Jack mumbled.
I pulled out my phone, now fully charged, and opened my e-mail. Sur
e enough, Robert had come through.
“My father booked us a room downtown. There’s a restaurant in the building. It’s up to you, Jack. We can stay here and wait, or we can check in and come back later.”
Jack pulled away from me and used his familiar sweeping glance of my features to assess the situation. “When did you eat last?” he whispered, reiterating Terry’s concern. He also knew I usually skipped a morning meal on weekdays.
“Believe it or not, I had a huge breakfast this morning. It’s held me most of the day.”
Jack nodded, a sure sign he’d made up his mind. He turned back to Terry. “If Heide comes back here before we do, will you call me immediately?”
“Yes. I’d be happy to do that.” Terry pulled out a post it note and took down both our phone numbers.
“She’ll be coming back to this room?” Jack pointed to the empty space.
“Yes. That’s her room.”
“We’ll go get some dinner, and then we’ll come back here.”
Jack took my hand in his and together we meandered our way back to my car. As I unlocked the doors, he looked my way once again.
“You really do look exhausted,” he said. “Do you want me to drive to the hotel?”
I shook my head. “I’ll get us there. You can drive us back.”
“Where are we staying?” he asked as we took seats once again.
“The Sentinel. It’s between Tenth and Eleventh. It’ll only take a few minutes to go back and forth.”
“What made Robert choose that place?”
“I asked him to. It has good beds, good restaurants and Target is just across the street in case we forgot anything. It even has a Starbucks.”
“No Dutch Bros.?” Jack’s voice was tired, but I recognized his attempt at humor.
I rolled my eyes in return as I shifted the car into reverse. “Sadly. No.”
As soon as we emerged from the parking garage, Jack retrieved his phone. “I’m going to call Allison and tell her what’s happening.”
“Ask if she’s booked her flight. We should probably find her a hotel room, too.”
Jack twisted in his seat in response to my statement with his ear to the phone, but I kept my eyes on the treacherous downhill curves of the road.
“Yes. We need to help her with that, too. Thank you.”
I began to reply, but Allison answered Jack’s call before I could say another word.
“How are you doing?” he asked her. “I made it to the hospital, but Heide is in surgery now.”
As Jack told Allison about the known extent of Heide’s condition, I drove the car into downtown Portland. By the time they had updated one another on their news, we were approaching the Sentinel.
“The hospital is called OHSU,” Jack said. “Oregon Health Sciences University. It’s huge. I’m certain any cab driver will know how to find it.”
I nodded in agreement to Jack’s statement.
“I’ll meet you there. We’ll get your hotel squared away after you’ve seen Heide. Please travel safe.”
Jack paused to listen to Allison. “I will. I promise. I’ll tell her whether she’s awake or not.”
Allison said something else as I pulled up to the hotel’s front door. I risked a glance at Jack. His sadness over whatever she was telling him was apparent.
“For what?” he asked her, perplexed.
“You know I don’t believe that. Don’t do that to yourself. You’re a wonderful mother. I’d never think that about you. I’m sorry I didn’t just take the rest of the week off. I should have insisted on staying home with her for two more days. I should have been with her this morning. I never would have let her near that fucking thing if I’d been there. If there’s anyone who should be pleading forgiveness here, it’s me.”
The valet clerk approached our car, and I intercepted him by stepping out on the sidewalk.
“If you could just give us both a moment, please.” I nodded toward the passenger seat. “He’s finishing up an important phone call.”
The valet glanced behind my car and smiled. “Not much traffic at the moment. Just let me know when you’re ready.”
“Thank you.” I reminded myself to return the blond man’s smile before sitting back down in the driver’s seat. Jack didn’t look at me, but did hold up his finger, indicating he was nearly done on the phone.
“I don’t want to hang up unless I know you’re going to be fine. Are you alone?”
He closed his eyes in relief. “Good. I’m glad she’s there with you. I know it’s hard to relax, but you need to get some sleep before your flight. I won’t be back to the hospital for a little while yet. Do you want me to call you tonight once I have more news?”
His pause was a brief one. “I’ll find out everything I can for the evening and then give you one last call for tonight. It will probably be several hours before I call again. Try to rest in the meantime.”
He opened his door and stepped from the car as she spoke her parting words. “I promise you, it will be the first thing I tell her when I see her. I’ll call you back tonight.”
He hung up as we entered the hotel lobby.
“She couldn’t get a flight out tonight, but she’ll be on her way here first thing in the morning. The sooner, the better. She’s having a rough time.”
I reached out and placed my hand between Jack’s shoulder blades. Even through his blazer, I could sense his tension. “She’ll calm down once she’s here. You’ll both feel better once you see Heide again.”
Jack nodded, but didn’t answer.
“Can I help you?” asked the young man in hipster glasses behind the front desk that was disguised as a library shelf.
I dropped my arm from Jack and moved to the counter. “Reservation for Kathleen Brighton, please.”
The gentleman turned to read his computer monitor while I reached into my purse for my wallet.
“Ms. Brighton. I have you booked into the City Terrace Studio Suite for ten nights.”
I jerked up my head at this news. “You do?” My exhaustion was to blame for my lack of decorum.
Unfazed, the young man nodded. “Fully booked and paid for. I just need to see some ID please.”
Now I was in genuine shock. My mind was a blank, and I stood at the front desk, staring at the poor college kid. He glanced from me to Jack and back again.
“Will two keys be enough?”
“Yeah.” I was still dumbfounded, but snapped from my trance in order to hand over my driver’s license.
“Wonderful. If you could just sign this form for me please, we’ll get you on your way up to your suite.”
The desk clerk gestured and a second young man appeared to collect our luggage. Jack and I were both too tired to argue humility. I accepted the room keys and followed the bellman to our top floor suite. Safely delivered to our room, Jack fumbled for some cash to tip our bellman while I stepped onto the terrace for some fresh air.
I was hopeful the light breeze would spark some energy back into my useless muscles. My body was shutting down more and more by the minute, and yet I knew we still had a very long night ahead. I raised my arms and stretched them as far as I could before going back inside.
Jack was standing in the middle of the room, staring at the dark green walls of our suite. I took a few steps back in, but stopped across the room from him.
“I can’t believe this is where I am tonight,” he said. “This is where I’ll be for who knows how long.”
I nodded. “I don’t even know where to begin. Or what to say.”
“How hungry are you?” he asked after taking his eyes away from the walls.
I set my hand down on the work desk, leaned into it for support and shrugged. “I’m not hungry, but my energy is running low. Maybe I should eat.”
“Me, too.”
The thought of going back downstairs was overwhelming, not because I was tired but because I couldn’t see myself sitting in a restaurant, surrounded by people who cared about nothi
ng more than celebrating the beginning of their weekend. “Let’s not fuss with going downstairs. We can order room service. It will give us a chance to decompress until our food arrives. Then we can go back to the hospital and see if Heide’s out of recovery.”
“That’s a good idea. Plus we can change out of our work clothes.” Jack nodded toward my dress and wedge heels.
“A shower sounds good,” I said. “But I can’t decide between that or laying down for a few minutes.”
“Let’s do both. We can shower in shifts. That way one of us can keep an ear out for the phone.”
“Good plan. Let’s order our food and then you shower first.”
Jack peered at the digital clock on the bedside table. “Unless the hospital calls, let’s give ourselves two hours. We’ll leave in two hours if Terry hasn’t called us back.”
“Got it.”
“Kathleen?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you for everything you’ve done today. I’m not sure how I would have made it here without you.”
“Anything for you, and for her.”
Jack closed the distance between us and pressed his lips to my forehead. He kept them there, potentially due to sheer exhaustion. I closed my eyes and held still until he drew back.
“Let’s order dinner,” he declared with renewed energy.
WE RETURNED to the ICU after eight that evening, feeling stronger than we had that day. Terry hadn’t called Jack during our two-hour break, so we’d allowed ourselves the time to recuperate by resting and eating a protein rich meal of Alaskan halibut. We each showered and redressed in more comfortable apparel, and when we retrieved my car from the valet, I offered Jack the driver’s seat. I directed him through the streets of downtown and up to the hospital. I wanted him to be able to take my car at any time and get to OHSU on his own if need be.
Heide’s room was full of activity as we approached. I took Jack’s hand in mine as we stopped just outside the door. Inside, Terry and another nurse moved around the room, which now also contained a bed along with its young patient.
Terry looked up. “You can come in.”
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