Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5)

by Amy Clipston

  “Me too.” Tristan put the car in gear and rolled forward through the pounding rain. The windshield wipers whooshed back and forth in a gentle cadence, barely keeping up with the drops. “Like my new ride?” He tapped the dash. “I got my license, and my dad got his old car running for me.”

  “Congratulations,” she said. “It’s wonderful that you passed the driver’s test.”

  “Thanks.” Tristan smiled. “How are you, aside from wet and cold?”

  Lydia’s lips trembled as all of the emotion she’d been holding inside came bubbling forth without warning. She sucked in a breath, trying in vain to stop herself from crying in front of him.

  “Hey,” he said, reaching over and touching her hand. “It’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, wiping her cheeks. “It’s just been a bad day. A really, really bad day.”

  He steered into her driveway and stopped the car. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “It’s just …” she began. “It’s just everything.” She sniffed and wiped her cheek. “I’m overwhelmed, and sometimes it feels like too much.”

  “I can understand that. You’re going through a lot. I don’t know how I could carry a load like yours.”

  Lydia studied his expression and found genuine concern and empathy. She wanted to tell him everything. She longed to share how seeing her father fall apart last night was too much and how she was exhausted from praying, worrying, and crying most of the night. But she couldn’t form the words. Instead of speaking, she just nodded.

  “My girlfriend, Lexi, always tells me that even when you feel all alone, you’re not,” he continued. “God is always there with us, even through the bad times.”

  “I know,” Lydia said softly. “But sometimes I feel so alone I don’t think I can stand it. All this pressure is overwhelming. I’m working two jobs, I’m acting as mother to my brother and sister, I’m keeping the household running, I’ve witnessed my father falling apart, and I’m exhausted. It’s all just too much. It’s just not fair that I have to handle all of this. Why do I always have to be the strong one in my family?”

  “I’m sorry you have so much stress in your life. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that is for you.” He gave her a hopeful look. “But you’re not alone. If you ever need a friend to talk to, don’t hesitate to come find me.” He tapped the steering wheel. “Now that I have a set of wheels, maybe we can go out for ice cream or something and get you away from it all—if your father says it’s okay, of course.”

  She couldn’t help but smile. “That would be nice.”

  He steered the car up the driveway and stopped in front of the porch. “I hope your evening gets better.”

  “Thank you,” she said as she gathered up her drenched bag. “I appreciate the ride very much.”

  “Anytime,” he said. “Take care.”

  “You too.” Lydia hopped out of the car and trotted up the porch steps. When she reached the top of the steps, she waved as Tristan’s loud car rattled back down the driveway toward the road. As he drove off, Lydia smiled while marveling at the deep faith Tristan seemed to have. She was so glad to have him as a friend. It was nice to not feel so alone for once.

  The door opened, and her aunt Kathryn came out to the porch, looking in confusion at the car. “Who was that?”

  “My freind,” Lydia said, hoisting her bag on her shoulder and moving toward the door. “He rescued me from a mud puddle.”

  “He?” Kathryn asked. “Mud puddle? Lydia, what are you talking about?”

  Lydia shivered as the wind blew through her soaked sweater. “Can we please discuss this inside? I’m drenched and cold.”

  “Ach, of course,” Kathryn said, holding the door open for her. “You poor thing. You’re shivering. Step inside and get out of this horrendous weather.”

  “Danki.” As Lydia entered the house, the warm aroma of chicken potpie filled her senses, and she was thankful for her aunt’s generous help with dinner after the long day. Irma and Titus looked up from reading books at the table and looked surprised by Lydia’s appearance.

  “What happened to you?” Irma asked, her blue eyes wide.

  “You look like you fell in a pond,” Titus chimed in with a toothy grin.

  Lydia dropped her soaked bag on the floor with a thump and then peeled off her wet sweater. “I fell into a puddle, not a pond.”

  “It must’ve been a mighty big puddle,” Titus said, and Irma cackled in response.

  “Go wash up for supper,” Kathryn ordered. “I need to speak with Lydia.” Her expression was stern when she turned, and apprehension filled Lydia. She knew what was coming: another lecture about how inappropriate her friendship with Tristan was. She couldn’t bear more stress today. “Could I possibly take a quick shower before we talk?” she asked, hoping to dodge the discussion.

  “No,” Kathryn said simply. “Let’s talk now.” She moved toward the table. “Have a seat.”

  Lydia held back a sigh and dropped into a chair across the table from her aunt.

  Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but stopped when Irma appeared holding a bath towel.

  “Here you go, Lydia,” Irma said with a smile.

  “Danki,” Lydia said, taking the towel and wrapping it around her shoulders.

  “Danki, Irma,” Kathryn said. “Now go wash up and then wait in your room until I call you. Please tell Titus to do the same.”

  “Ya, Aenti,” Irma said before disappearing through the doorway.

  “Now let’s talk,” Kathryn began as she lowered herself into the chair and stared at Lydia. “Who is this bu who drove you home?”

  “He’s a freind.” She rubbed the towel over her arms. “He lives up the street. His family just moved into the Fitzgerald place a few weeks ago.”

  “He’s English?”

  “Ya,” Lydia said. “His father is going to teach at a nearby university.”

  Kathryn frowned with disapproval. “Lydia, as the teacher’s assistant you have a very important job.”

  “I know.” Lydia ran the towel over her wet tights. “He’s a nice Christian bu. Each time we talk, we discuss God. He’s not a bad influence, and he doesn’t have bad intentions.”

  “He may be a nice bu, but you have to consider how this looks to others. The parents look to you to set the example for their children. They would frown upon it if they saw you in a car with an English bu.” She waved her arms as she talked. “And the school board would probably fire you. At least, they wouldn’t approve of your becoming the teacher. We all know Barbie will most likely get engaged soon and then get married in the fall during the wedding season.”

  “He’s just a freind,” Lydia said, even though she knew it wouldn’t help her case.

  “That’s fine if you see him on the street and you wave,” Kathryn said, tapping her finger on the table for emphasis. “But riding in his car, especially alone, is something else entirely. I know that you’re a gut girl, but still others’ perception can be skewed to something that you don’t want for yourself or for your family.” She touched Lydia’s hand, and her expression softened. “You understand, ya?”

  Lydia gave a reluctant nod while hugging the towel close to her body. “Ya, I do.”

  “Gut.” Kathryn popped up from the table. “Let’s get out the dishes.”

  “Ach,” Lydia said. “I’m soaked, remember?”

  Kathryn chuckled. “That’s right. Go get changed. Take a quick shower if you’d like. Please send Irma and Titus down to help set the table.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said as she headed for the door. “And danki for supper. It smells wunderbaar gut.”

  “Gern gschehne,” Kathryn responded while pulling dishes from the cabinet. “Go get warmed up and dry so you can eat.”

  While she stood in the doorway, Lydia’s thoughts turned to Amanda and how rude she’d been to her Monday night. She faced her aunt and bit her bottom lip as guilt rained down on her once again. “Aenti Kathryn,” she
began. “How’s Amanda?”

  Kathryn looked confused at Lydia’s tone. “Fine. Why do you ask?”

  Lydia ran her finger over the doorway. “I’ve just been thinking of her.”

  “Oh.” Kathryn smiled. “You can ask her how she is when she picks me up in a little bit. Go take your shower now.”

  “Okay.” Lydia hurried up the stairs, gathered her clothes, and rushed back downstairs to the full bathroom, which was located off the kitchen. When she stepped into the shower, she allowed the warm water to soak her skin, and she wished the water would wash away all of her worry, frustration, and sorrow. Oh, how she wished her baby sister was well and that she and their mother were back home. She was so exhausted that her body ached. Her eyes felt like they were burning with exhaustion. What was even more frustrating was that she’d found a new friend, but she was forbidden to see him. She wished that her family would accept Tristan as her friend.

  Closing her eyes, she stood under the water and silently asked God to restore her life to the way it used to be before Ruthie became ill.

  After supper, Lydia walked Kathryn outside to meet the waiting buggy. “Danki again for cleaning the house. Thank you also for making supper,” Lydia said. “It was appeditlich.”

  “Gern gschehne,” Kathryn said, opening the passenger side door.

  Lydia walked around to Amanda, who sat in the driver’s seat. “Wie geht’s?” she asked.

  “Fine,” Amanda said without smiling. “How are you, Lydia?” The question was flat and void of emotion, just as she had sounded before.

  Lydia looked at her aunt. “Could Amanda and I talk for a moment on the porch? I’ll be sure to keep it quick.”

  “Ya. Just don’t be too long,” Kathryn said. “We have chores to complete at home.”

  Amanda handed her mother the reins and followed Lydia to the porch. Pushing the ribbons from her prayer covering behind her slight shoulders, she studied Lydia. “What do you want?”

  Lydia took a deep breath and prayed that her words would be right. “I want to apologize. I’m very sorry for how I treated you.” Her words trembled with her anxiety and guilt. “You’re my best friend, and you’re always there when I need someone to listen. I was horrible to you, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Please.”

  Amanda’s expression softened. “You know that I love you, and I would never do anything to hurt you.”

  “I know.” Lydia blew out a sigh.

  “Nancy and I would never, ever try to make you feel bad for missing youth gatherings.” Amanda touched Lydia’s hand. “We miss you when you’re not there. I do, especially since I don’t have a bu to spend time with.”

  “I should’ve thought before I lashed out at you,” Lydia said. “I was just upset, and I took it out on you. It was wrong. You’re the last person who deserves to be yelled at, because you’re always thoughtful and considerate.”

  Amanda smiled. “I forgive you, but don’t do it again.” She hugged Lydia and patted her back. “I need to run, but we’ll talk tomorrow at the bakery, ya?”

  “Ya,” Lydia said. “Danki.”

  “Amanda,” Kathryn called. “We have to go or your daed is going to be upset with me.”

  “See you tomorrow,” Amanda called as she hurried down the porch steps toward the buggy. “Gut nacht.”

  “Gut nacht.” Lydia waved as they drove off, and she felt as if a small weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

  12

  The following Tuesday, Lydia iced a chocolate cake while her aunt Kathryn stood beside her. “Wunderbaar gut, Lydia. That’s perfect.”

  “Danki.” Lydia smiled.

  The past week had flown by quickly, and she had found some peace ever since she’d prayed in the shower the night she’d fallen in the mud and accepted a ride home with Tristan. Even her visit with her mother and Ruthie had gone better than the previous one. Ruthie had smiled and laughed with Lydia and their siblings, and her mother seemed confident when she said the treatments were going well. When Lydia talked to her last night, her mother again sounded upbeat and positive, which lifted another worry from Lydia’s mind.

  Lydia believed God was carrying her and the rest of her family members. He was there for her, just like Tristan had said.

  “I think that’s your best chocolate cake yet.” Her aunt lifted a knife from the counter. “Ach, I’m hesitant to cut it. It’s so schee that I think we could sell it as a whole cake.”

  “I agree,” Nancy chimed in while crossing the large kitchen. “I think a customer would snatch that up. It would be perfect to take to a party.”

  “I agree,” Amanda said. “It’s perfect.”

  “Danki.” Lydia said.

  “Let me help you put it in a box,” Nancy offered, grabbing a cake box from the shelf behind the counter.

  “You girls take care of the cake,” Kathryn said. “I’m going to go check out front to see if we need to restock any of the peanut butter and oatmeal cookies. They’ve been disappearing quickly lately.”

  Nancy brought the box over and began folding it. “I bet this cake will sell quickly. You should start on another one.”

  Lydia laughed. “You’re flattering me too much, Nancy.”

  Amanda sidled up to them. “You seem happier, Lydia. It’s gut to see you smile again.”

  “Ya,” Lydia said. “I’ve been feeling better lately.”

  “That’s wunderbaar gut!” Nancy said. “I was wondering if maybe your dat would let you come to the youth gathering Sunday night if things are looking up. It’s been too long since you’ve been out with us.”

  Lydia gently lifted the cake and set it in the box, careful not to smudge the icing. The sweet aroma of the chocolate caused her stomach to gurgle. “I really don’t know. I sort of feel guilty for asking.”

  Amanda touched her shoulder. “I think he would understand that you miss your friends. He was young once too. Didn’t your parents meet at a singing?”

  Lydia nodded and thought about her fantasy of riding home with Joshua. In her dream, he would tell her that he had a nice time and then ask if he could kiss her. She closed the box and looked up at Amanda. “Did Joshua make it to the last few youth gatherings?”

  Amanda hesitated and shared a strange look with Nancy.

  “What?” Lydia asked, feeling like she could be sick. “What did that look mean?”

  “Nothing.” Amanda frowned. “Ya, he’s been there.”

  “Why do you say it like that?” Lydia looked at her with suspicion. “What are you keeping from me, Amanda? We never keep secrets, ya?”

  “He’s been there,” Nancy chimed in. “I’ll tell you the truth.”

  “Tell me what truth?” Lydia threw up her hands. “Would you please just tell me?”

  “We’ve seen him talking to a girl,” Nancy said slowly.

  “Who is the girl?”

  “She’s someone from another district,” Amanda said. “I think she’s from Gordonville. Her name is Mary.”

  Lydia couldn’t help feeling sick. “Oh.”

  Amanda touched Lydia’s hand. “You should come Sunday night. You can get his eye off the other girl.”

  Shaking her head, Lydia lifted the box. “It’s okay. It’s just not meant to be.” She started toward the front of the store with her cousins trailing after her.

  “Don’t say that!” Nancy insisted. “I bet he’d ask you out if you showed more interest.”

  “No, he wouldn’t.” Lydia stopped at the doorway to the front of the bakery and faced their empathetic expressions. “He told me a week ago that he’d stop by to see me, and he hasn’t. If he were interested in me, he would’ve shown it by now.”

  “Maybe you can make him jealous,” Amanda offered. “Mahlon has been asking about you at youth gatherings and I saw him talking to you at church last week. He seems to like you. Maybe if you came to a youth gathering and talked to him, Josh would see you together and realize how much he loves you.”

  Lyd
ia glowered at Amanda. “You can’t possibly be serious.”

  Nancy shrugged. “It might work.”

  “I don’t have time for this,” Lydia said, turning toward the counter filled with pastries for sale. “I have more important things to do than playing silly games, especially ones concerning Mahlon. If Joshua doesn’t care, then so be it.” Although the words were simple to say, their meaning stabbed at her heart. In truth, she wished he’d come by to see her. She missed him. Spending time with him could help ease some of the stress she’d been facing.

  “You can’t let go,” Amanda said, her blue eyes filled with sadness. “He’s always been meant for you.”

  Lydia shook her head. “Apparently not.”

  “Maybe you should talk to him,” Nancy offered with a gentle expression on her face. “Ask him if he likes this other girl and where you stand in your relationship.”

  Lydia gasped. “That would be so forward.”

  “Hint around it then,” Nancy said with a shrug. “See if you can say it without saying it.”

  “Girls,” Kathryn called. “I need you back in the kitchen, please. We need some more peanut butter and oatmeal cookies. No more chatting for now.”

  Walking back to the kitchen, Lydia silently vowed to try to talk to Joshua on Sunday and find out if he was dating the mysterious girl from Gordonville.

  Later that evening, while putting Irma to bed, Lydia was still pondering the possibility that Joshua liked another girl. She tried to smile while she and Irma knelt by the bed for prayers, but instead she grimaced.

  When Irma was finished praying, she climbed into bed and studied Lydia’s expression. “You’re sad tonight, Lydia. Are you thinking of Mamm and Ruthie?”

  Lydia shook her head. “Actually, I was thinking about something else. I try not to be sad when I think about Mamm and Ruthie. Instead, I try to think thoughts that are froh.”

  “You think about them coming home?” Irma hugged her cloth doll close to her chest. “I try to think about that every day.”

  Lydia brushed a lock of hair back from Irma’s face. “I try to think about that too.”