by Lila Felix
It had to be the latter.
Chapter Thirteen
Vivian
I ALREADY HAD it all planned out when Brent and I left the party. Sure his family treated me fine, but I could see it in their eyes what they were really thinking, especially his mother. She wasn’t who I remembered. Then again, a lot of time has passed and people change. I could say the same for myself.
I didn’t need anyone.
Brent tried his best to make it less awkward, but it fell short. I wasn’t buying into his act a second longer. I should have known better. It was all a ruse, every bit of it. I hated myself for opening my heart just a bit to him. All of it was lies.
The second we walked into the house, I went straight to my room and slammed the door shut. He’d better take the message and know I wouldn’t be talking to him tonight. Or for that matter, any other night. I was done.
Done with it all.
I packed my clothes and texted Olivia. I told her to get the lawyers on the phone first thing in the morning and get this annulment rolling. I didn’t care about my sales or books anymore. Right now, I cared about getting out of Texas and back to my life. My life without Brent Rush.
Once I knew he was asleep, I took his keys and never looked back. Just like I did ten years ago.
WALKING INTO MY cabin I should have felt at home. I shouldn’t have the tension in my chest anymore or have the need to fight off the tears any longer. Yet, they kept creeping up and I blinked them away more than once.
I unpacked, continued to keep my cell phone off and make a list of what I needed from town. Since I knew I was going on the book tour, I made sure there was nothing in the house to spoil. Now, I had nothing to eat and right now I needed carbs and sweets. Stat!
I liked the fact my cabin wasn’t too far away from town and I could still have my silence around me. I had no neighbors and if I did, they weren’t close enough for me to see their homes. My back porch was where I wrote the most. I had it enclosed with floor to ceiling windows. Living in the North Pacific brought amazingly beautiful snowfalls and perfectly rhythmic rain storms. All of which helped me write.
After purchasing my groceries and trying not to eat all the candy I got, I made it back home and unloaded everything. Since I decided it was time to get back to my normal life, I grabbed a sandwich – well two of them – and a bag of Milky Ways and made my way to the porch with my laptop under my arm.
My fingers are ready to type. My words are ready to flow, but my brain wasn’t working. I ate the first sandwich, but it made my stomach turn. I couldn’t even finish the first candy bar. Nothing felt right. I almost felt like an alien in my own place.
Brent.
I wondered what he was thinking right now. How much did he hate me? Was it as much as the last time I left? Probably not since this time I didn’t even say goodbye. I shouldn’t be worrying about this because it was for the best.
I found my cell phone and turned it on. I knew what was coming as the messages began to light up and the missed call count began to rise.
All from Brent.
I couldn’t bear to look or listen to any of them. My heart was beginning to break into a million pieces. All these years I had pushed my feelings away, burying them deep. I had no one to talk to but my fictional characters and even they were created because of Brent. I even used Rush as a pen name – for him.
My fingers trembled as I scrolled up through my contacts and called the one person I never thought about talking to again. My autopilot seemed to know what to do, but I couldn’t comprehend what was happening until the voice came over the phone.
“Vivian?”
“Hi, Mom.” I answered.
“Are you okay? You sound sick?”
Was I? Some would claim I was losing my mind right now, and they’re probably right. I didn’t know what in the world I was doing. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, what is it? Your father and I haven’t heard from you in forever. How are the book sales?”
I rubbed my fingers over my forehead hoping to dull the ache. The last time I spoke to her or Dad was Christmas. Wait? No, maybe Thanksgiving? I couldn’t even remember. Even when we did talk it was short and to the point, and here I was about to have a nervous breakdown now for no reason other than I left Brent.
“Vivian, talk to me.” Mom’s voice softened and I began to blurt it all out.
I started with the book tour and then seeing him at the signing. Then I jumped to the drinking and the wedding, which I still didn’t remember. I told her how he protected me from the overzealous fan and convinced me to go back to the ranch. Then I gave in-depth details of how great it was to be back home and on the ranch. All the great memories I had there and how I felt alive and the creative juices were flowing again. Lastly, I told her about the barbecue and how he lied about who he was married to because he was ashamed of me. He still thought of me as the fat girl he needed to protect. I finished the story with me running away and ending back here in Washington.
“Why did you leave him? I know Brent very well and I’m certain he’d never disrespect you.”
I groaned. “He’s changed. I know he married me for my money.”
“Really? But he does so well on his own. He invested in the oil company years ago and, I believe, is still part owner. Not to mention all his rental properties and the land he owns.”
“Wait? What?” Brent owned an oil company? What property was she speaking of? He didn’t tell me any of this.
“Last I heard he was close to millionaire status. Not like Bill Gates or anything but a very comfortable lifestyle. He’s been in the paper a lot with his donations to the children’s hospital, the down and out ranchers, and many others. Vivian, are you sure we’re talking about the same guy?”
“I...well...I don’t know. He...well…” I was stammering over my words because I couldn’t figure out what was happening. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like this? I was never going to marry anyone. I was never, ever going to fall in love again. I’m meant to be on my own and never relying on anyone. That’s how you and Dad raised me.”
“Yes, we raised you to be self-sufficient but never not to fall in love or have a life.”
“Yes, you did.” I argued with her. “You told me my whole life to rely on no one but myself.” I remember all the speeches she gave me about it.
“Vivian, we wanted you to rely on yourself to give you self-confidence, but in the real world, you need people. You need love. I wouldn’t know where I would be if I didn’t have your father in my life. Not to mention you. I’m not the world’s greatest mother, I know, but you are my greatest accomplishment. I prayed every night you would grow up and be happy, loved, and find peace in yourself. You were always internally fighting with your demons. Your weight, your grades, the pressures you put on yourself. Neither your father nor I were shocked when you ran off and left us all. But we’re deeply saddened you don’t come home often or call more. However, we both know you have to find your way home and no one can force you to it.”
I felt all the blood draining from me. I was thankful I was sitting down or my knees would have given out on me. Why was she telling me all of this now? All my life was a lie because this wasn’t what I was taught. I was to be on my own.
Right!
Right?
“We love you, Vivian. I think you and Brent make a fine couple. I believe, however unorthodox, this marriage was meant to be. You need to talk to him and tell him how you truly feel. Life is better with those you love and having someone you can rely on.”
“I have to go.” I ended the call and tossed my phone to the side.
It was like my whole world was turned upside down. I rubbed my temples trying to figure out what just happened.
Chapter Fourteen
Brent
IT HAD BEEN three days and a little over twelve hours since Viv left. One morning I woke up and it was all over. The marriage. The beg
innings of a new love between us. It was as if she’d taken one of my limbs with her.
Fate had brought us together again.
Too bad Vivian didn’t believe in fate.
I’d thrown myself into work on the ranch. I repaired fences that were still working fine. I brushed the horses so many times they shined like a polished car.
I opened the door to her cabin dozens of times only to shut it again soon after. I couldn’t even bring myself to walk in.
“Brent?” I heard my mom yell. Her voice had made me jump. Everything made me jumpy lately.
“I’m in here, Mom.” Shoveling our stables that are already clean.
“I hate coming in the barn, you know that.” In all the time growing up on a farm, my mom had stepped into the barn less than Viv had in her days here.
“What, Mom?” I stepped out, shovel still in my hand.
“Those stables are already clean. I can see that from here. Anyway, it’s three in the afternoon. You usually get these chores done in the morning.”
I couldn’t have looked less pleased if I wanted to. “Mom, did you come to check on my farm handling schedule? Or how I was keeping up the stables? What’s up?”
“She’s gone, isn’t she?”
This was the last thing I wanted to talk about. I knew my mom was faking liking Viv for my contentment. She was sincere in her support but that was the end of it.
“Yes, Mom. She’s gone.”
“So you’re just going to busy yourself with chores? That doesn’t sound like you. You go after what you want.”
I huffed out a breath of disbelief. She was wrong. “No, I don’t, Mom. I let her go the first time. I knew exactly where she was, even what school. I did nothing. Nothing.”
“That was a mistake, I think, Brent.”
“How? Look at her now, Mom. She did what she set out to do. She made something of herself that she didn’t see before. I always knew she was brilliant and had more potential than anyone I’d ever known.”
“She’s so different, yet still the same at times. Vivian has grown into quite a woman.”
“Doesn’t matter. She’s back to her lonely cabin in the woods with only her books to talk to. That’s how she liked it. I knew from the beginning that this wasn’t for the long haul. Not sure when I got my hopes up but that was my mistake.”
My mom balled up her fists and propped them up on her hips. “Did you know that I left your father for a few weeks? It was right before Katie was born.”
“No. You’ve never left Dad.”
“I did. I was pregnant with Katie and you were about three. We went to my mom’s house. I was miserable there, of course. You know how your grandmother is. But I stayed for weeks.”
“What did Dad do?”
“Well, that was the thing. He and I had gotten into an argument and both said some things we didn’t mean. Halfway to your grandmother’s house, I realized that we both were wrong. And it was a stupid fight.”
I chuckled, not at her story, but the fact that all this time, I’d thought my parents had the perfect relationship.
I guess no relationship is perfect.
“You didn’t turn around?”
“Well, son, pride is a fickle animal. I was too proud to turn around and admit that I was wrong. It killed me not to go back. It took a week for him to call me and then it took another week for him to come up and get us. Your father has a good deal of pride too.”
“What are you saying, Mom? That I should go up there and get her? She doesn’t want to be around me.”
“Or her pride is stopping her from admitting it.”
The shovel fell from my hands as the realization of what I needed to do sunk in and caused a frenzy of thoughts in my mind.
“I’ve got to go up there.”
“Good.”
“I’ve got to get her back or at least tell her how much I love her. How much I want this marriage to be real. How much I don’t want to let her go.”
“Good.”
“Can you say something more than good?”
“Take the peanut butter and jelly. The girl always loved that stuff.”
THERE WAS A three hour drive from Seattle to her house. Olivia had been a saint in giving me Viv’s address and even her home phone number in case I got lost.
Apparently, my wife was so far in the woods that at some point the GPS just assumed there was nothing but forest.
I stopped at a quirky donut shop before renting a car and picking up a dozen peanut butter and jelly donuts. Olivia had given me that tip as well.
In the cab of the car I practiced over and over all the things I wanted to say, looking at myself in the rearview mirror like an idiot teenager getting ready to ask a girl to the prom.
I loved her. But it wasn’t a love like it was before. The love I had for her as a kid was unadulterated and probably bordered on worship.
And somewhere during the years, I had come to the realization that I loved how she leaned on me. How she needed me. How I was one of the few people in the world that she chose to cling to.
It wasn’t the healthiest love.
Now, it was all different. Everything was new and I loved her, not for the things she made me feel or how she needed me.
I loved her for her strength.
I loved her for the way she didn’t need anything or anyone in the world to make her happy.
I loved her bravery and her work ethic.
I loved the woman she’d become in my absence.
In the back of my mind, I was afraid that maybe it wasn’t enough.
I passed through the city and diminishing towns until I came upon the quirky sign that Olivia said marked Viv’s driveway. It was more like a road. It was a little over five miles long and led right to her.
Once more, I checked my reflection in the mirror, giving myself an internal pep talk.
After grabbing the box of donuts, I gathered my courage and marched to her front door, knocking twice before hearing the sound of footsteps nearing the entrance.
“Who is it? If you’re selling anything other than girl scout cookies, you’re out of luck.”
“How about donuts and a husband?” I tried to yell through what looked like a steel door.
After a half dozen locks clicked, she opened the door. She was in a tank top and some of those pajama shorts that drove me halfway to madness.
“I’m firing Olivia.”
“Don’t. She’s good at what she does.”
“You’ve wasted your time, Brent. I called the lawyers this morning and asked them to file divorce papers.”
She looked down as she spoke.
“Don’t lie to me, Viv. I can still tell when you’re lying to me. Now, are you going to let me in or am I going to have to come back day after day until you do? I’ve got all the time in the world.”
She considered the latter proposition.
“Fine. Let’s get this over with.”
She stepped aside but her eyes were now on the white bakery box in my hands.
“Sugar isn’t going to fix this one, Brent. You could’ve brought all the donuts in the world but it can’t fix you and me. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
A tear began at the corner of her eyes and slowly slipped down her face like a lazy river. With my free hand, I reached out to wipe it away, but she jerked away and wiped it herself.
“Just say what you need to say, Brent. Say what you need to say now. I can’t stand to be here with you like this. Just say it.”
“What do you want me to say, Viv? I’ll say anything to get you back.”
Crossing her arms over her chest and grinding her jaw back and forth for a while should’ve said it all but just like her, I needed to hear the nails in the coffin.
For the second time in my life, I had to hear her break my heart.
“Like I said, the divorce papers are being filed. This is my home and the only place I want to be. Thank you for what you did on the tour but that’s all it was – a publicity s
tunt. It worked, by the way, my sales have doubled. It’s better to end this quietly. My fans won’t even know. I won’t be doing another book tour for a couple of years.”
I was stunned. I’m not sure what I expected when I bought the donuts and made the trip, but it went something like ‘I’m sorry, Brent. I love you and this is going to work out.”
I should’ve known better.
“What about all of those moments between us. I felt the passion in your kisses, Viv. You can’t deny that.”
She scoffed. “Marriage is more than passion, Brent. Maybe I was just reliving my teenage years a little, who knows. I won’t deny the spark between us but sparks don’t always turn into fire. It’s better this way. You deserve better.”
Her voice was flat and emotionless. She had practiced this speech, probably meant for me over the phone since not once had she looked me in the eyes.
I stood there, waiting and watching her walls get thicker by the moment.
I knew this woman inside and out.
She was scared and defensive, like a raccoon in the corner, ready to strike back at anything that moved.
Except now, the only thing that would be moving was me.
“I understand, Vivian. Just know that it was never just a pretend marriage on my end. I love you now and I loved you then. I think I’ll probably love you for the rest of my life, truth be told. Have a good life for me, Vivian. Be happy and find someone who makes you happy and who makes you want to get out of this place once in awhile. Someone who makes you as passionate about him as your characters are in your books. You won’t hear from me again.”
And this time, I walked out of her life.
For good.
Chapter Fifteen
Vivian
IT HAD BEEN years since I cried. Literally years. But here I was day eight and the tears still wouldn’t stop. I’ve done everything to keep my mind off of Brent and our marriage. Nothing was working. I couldn’t sleep, definitely couldn’t write, and nothing tasted good except junk food. Currently, the only thing I could do was lie in bed or sit on the back porch and watch the world move on without me.