In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  I went back and forth in my mind. I couldn’t run out the door, I would look ridiculous. I knew I would just be sitting in the stall if I went that route, my nervous bladder would make sure of that. So I decided to try my only other option. I walked over to the sink and started to wash my hands.

  “Hello,” I said, cordially.

  “Hi,” she replied, hardly glancing in my direction.

  I tried to focus on my hands until I noticed her staring at me in the mirror. I ignored her prying eyes and grabbed a paper towel from the dispenser.

  “How long have you two been together?” she blurted out, taking me by surprise.

  “I’m sorry?” I turned to face her. She was taller than me, so I had to look up at her, and I hated how flawless she was.

  “You and Joshua.” She crossed her arms and gave me a sympathetic smile.

  “It’s pretty new.” I smiled, trying to keep this conversation polite. And quick.

  “Hmm...well, he’s not exactly the settling down type, so I hope you don’t get too attached.” She gave me a nod. She didn’t seem angry, it was more hurt. And maybe a hint of jealousy, as strange as that seemed, from the looks of the two of us in comparison.

  “Joshua is a good man.” I felt this overwhelming urge to defend him, who he was, how he was.

  “He is, I know. But I’ve known him for a while, and I don’t want him to break your heart, especially since you have a little one to worry about too.”

  I didn’t want her pity. That was for sure. I also didn’t want her advice on my relationship with Joshua.

  “Thanks for the tip.” I gave her a fake smile and fled the scene.

  I didn’t know who she was or what she meant by her statement. But I didn’t like the sick feeling it gave me in the pit of my stomach.

  Had Joshua broken her heart?

  Was he going to break mine?

  Was she right?

  The one thing I did know right now was that I needed to get Gracie and get out of here. I scolded myself for not having my car today, leaving me unable to run.

  Because right now, that’s what I wanted.

  To run.

  WE PULLED UP to Joshua’s home and I was taken aback. It was a one-story brick home with an immaculate yard in a nice neighborhood. I knew he worked hard for the things he had and I wanted to tell him how beautiful it was, but I couldn’t seem to speak. My conversation with the blonde continued to roll around in my mind, different circumstances flooding my brain.

  Gracie had fallen asleep as soon as Joshua buckled her up and the ride to his house had been mostly silent. I tried to keep the conversation going, but my racing thoughts wouldn’t allow it.

  I took the initiative to take Gracie out of her car seat. I just wanted to go home and be alone with my thoughts, but I couldn’t force myself to tell Joshua that. I hated that this random woman had planted this seed of doubt in my mind. But what if she was right?

  Once we got inside, Joshua ran to another room and then came out with a couple of pillows in his arms.

  “Here, we can let her sleep on the couch and put the pillows around her so she doesn’t roll off.” His thoughtfulness caused tears to well up in my eyes. He was so kind and careful. He wasn’t a bad guy, I knew that.

  “Okay,” I replied, and placed her on the brown leather sofa as he put a pillow next to her and one on the floor for extra protection. I stared at her for a moment before Joshua grabbed my hand.

  “Come with me,” he spoke quietly and led me down a hallway, into a bedroom. My eyes took in the scenery. There was a large poster bed made of heavy wood and covered with a dark brown comforter. The rest of the furniture was the same dark wood. There was a Bible on the nightstand and a few cologne bottles on the dresser. But other than that, it was very bare and definitely masculine. Not a feminine touch in sight.

  He sat down on the bed and pulled me beside him, concern marring his chiseled features.

  “What’s wrong?” He placed his arms around my waist and I was scared to look into his eyes, fearing I would break down crying.

  I looked past him, concentrating on the carved wooden detail of the bedpost.

  “Ryan...” He pulled me around, placing me flat on my back, hovering over me. “Talk to me. You’ve hardly said two words since we left church. What’s going on?”

  I knew I couldn’t escape him. And the truth was, I didn’t want to. I shouldn’t try to run. I really cared about him. I had to be honest.

  “Your ex approached me in the bathroom,” I blurted out as the stupid tears filled my eyes.

  “My what?” He stared down at me, his left brow lifted.

  “The blonde bombshell.” I rolled my eyes, trying to force the tears away, but instead a single one escaped.

  “I don’t...” he began, seeming genuinely confused.

  “She told me not to get too attached to you because you weren’t the settling down type, and she didn’t want me to get hurt.”

  “Ugh, Alexis,” he grunted and placed his forehead on mine, letting out a loud sigh.

  “I guess she didn’t formally introduce herself.” Another tear decided to fall.

  “She’s not my ex.” He let out a small laugh and I got a little angry, finding nothing funny with this conversation.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not laughing at you. It’s this situation. I don’t even know her that well.” He pulled his face back, forcing me to look at him.

  “Was she one of those random hook-ups?” My question wasn’t meant to sound snarky, but I was feeling a little jealous at the moment.

  “No, I promise. We went out on two dates, it was nothing. Literally, nothing.” He pressed his lips on the tip of my nose and then to my lips.

  “You must have made quite the impact on her, considering the way she was staring at you this morning,” I mumbled.

  “I didn’t even know she was there. I don’t even know her that well. The second date was only to be nice because she wouldn’t stop calling. She’s not my type.” He shook his head.

  “Not your type? Are you sure we’re talking about the same woman?” I let out my own sarcastic laugh this time.

  “Listen, Ryan. You’re my type. Only you.” He brushed his lips over mine.

  “It wasn’t anything?” I wanted to believe him.

  “Nothing. It’s not like I loved her, I didn’t even really like her.” He chuckled once again before his face turned more serious.

  “No one compares to you, Ryan. I love you. I’ve known it since the very beginning.” He stared at me, his eyes roaming from my lips to my eyes, back and forth.

  “You love me?” I asked, my voice raspy.

  “I do. I know it’s soon, but I’ve actually been forcing myself not to say it; I didn’t want to scare you. But I do, I love you.” He pressed his lips to mine before I could reply, my mouth opening for him. We kissed for a few minutes before he started to speak again.

  “You don’t have to say it back, I don’t expect you to. Because, I know it’s sudden and you’ve been through a lot. I don’t want to push y—” I pressed my lips to his before pulling away.

  “Shh.” I giggled, and he smiled that beautiful smile.

  “Yes, it’s scary. And I’m a wreck most of the time, but Joshua, I love you too. So much.” I stared up at him, waiting for his kiss.

  And he gladly gave me that kiss, while I gave him my heart.

  I PULLED INTO the parking lot of the daycare and shifted my car in park, giving myself just a minute to breathe. It had been such a busy day at work, and these new heels were killing my feet—literally determined to be the death of me.

  I glanced down at the clock on my dash, 5:16. I turned off the ignition and went to go get my girl. I knew she had no idea how to tell time, but I had the feeling that she always knew the time I would be there, and I didn’t want to keep her waiting.

  I slid out of my car, slamming the door and feeling the cool December air brush against my face.

  When I opened the heavy g
lass door, I saw Trisha, one of the toddler room teachers, give me a confused look.

  “Hey there.” I smiled and gave her a wave.

  “Ms. Frost, what are you doing here?” She laughed, shaking her head, as she carried a stack of blankets to the closet in the corner.

  “I’m here for Gracie, same time as usual.” I cocked my head, wondering how she could possibly be confused by my presence.

  The blister on my foot began to burn, and I shifted my weight to the other side. I just wanted to grab my daughter and kick these shoes off.

  “What do you mean? Her dad picked her up after lunch time.” She laughed, turning her back to me.

  “What?” My body began to tremble, panic setting in.

  “Her dad, he came by and got her for you. He said he had a surprise for you, but you didn’t hear that from me.” She pressed her index finger over her pursed lips.

  “No, no, no, no,” I mumbled, my feet shuffling quickly to the classroom where Gracie usually was at the end of the day.

  “Gracie, Gracie!” I tried to scream but my voice was weak, struggling to make a sound.

  I opened the door and looked around at the empty room. I ran inside, pacing back and forth, before running back into the hallway.

  “Gracie, where are you?” I cried out, my feet heavy, fighting me with every step.

  “She’s gone.” Trisha stared at me with her hands on her hips.

  “No, she can’t be. I told you her father isn’t allowed to see her.” My chest was tight, and I pressed my palm against my heart, feeling the pounding against my hand.

  In the next moment, I was alone and the daycare was dark.

  “Gracie! Baby, where are you?” I struggled to cry out for her, running into the separate rooms, each of them dark and empty.

  “Mama!” I heard her voice, faint in the distance.

  “Gracie, baby, where are you?” I stopped in my tracks, waiting to hear her voice once more.

  “Mama. Hep.” Her voice rang out, slightly louder.

  Help.

  My body trembled and my feet were planted on the carpet, stuck.

  “Gracie, Mama is coming!” I screamed as loud as my voice would allow, forcing my legs to move forward, each step harder than the last.

  “Hep, Mama. Hep.” She began to wail, and my tears began to blur my vision.

  She was scared. She needed me.

  God, where is she?

  “Gracie, I’m coming, baby. Mama is coming. God, help me, please,” I begged, willing myself to move.

  “Please, move.” I pressed my hands over my thigh, forcing it to move, then moving to the other leg and forcing the same motion.

  “Mama.” I heard her once more, but it was louder, she was closer.

  My body shook, as if I had been falling, jerking myself awake, and I sat straight up in bed. My t-shirt was damp with sweat, as well as my neck and hairline. My breathing was quick and my eyes shot around the room, fear still coursing through my veins.

  It was just a dream.

  A nightmare. Another nightmare.

  “Mama!” I heard Gracie’s voice from her bedroom and I launched myself out of bed and into her room.

  “Hi, Mama!” She gave me a toothy grin and waved her chubby hand in my direction.

  I laughed through the tears that were threatening to fall and scooped her into my arms.

  “Thank you, Jesus. It was just a dream,” I mumbled, pulling her close to me.

  Gracie wrapped her little arms around my neck and began to pat my shoulders.

  “You’re up early, little miss.” I ran my fingers over her bedtime hair, noticing the sun wasn’t even completely up yet.

  “Wanna go lay down in Mama’s bed?” I whispered, patting her back when I could feel her weight resting against my chest.

  “Mama,” she whispered, already almost asleep, in a matter of seconds. I walked into my bedroom, laid her down next to me, and held her close. The fear from my nightmare was still very real, and I didn’t want her out of my sight.

  I knew there was no way I could go back to sleep now, but I wanted to let her sleep in as much as she could. We had a busy day today.

  “GOOD MORNING, BEAUTIFUL.” Joshua’s voice rumbled in my ear. It was obvious he had just woken up, and the fact that the first thing he did was call me, made me so happy.

  “Good morning.” I smiled, staring at the wall, imagining him.

  “How’d you sleep last night?” he asked, stretching at the same time, giving me butterflies just listening to him.

  “Okay, just another stupid dream.” I spouted, wishing I didn’t, not wanting to bother him with my nonsense but also unable to keep anything from him.

  “I’m sorry, babe. Why didn’t you call me? I would have come over.”

  “I know. It’s okay. I’m fine.” I tried to brush it off, but the truth was, I still couldn’t escape the fear that the dream had stirred up inside me.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, the sleepiness in his voice gone.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s better now that I’ve heard your voice,” I cooed.

  “Just call me next time, okay?” His voice was laced with worry.

  “I will, I promise.” I looked down at Gracie who was beginning to stir beside me.

  “What time are your girls coming over for coffee?” he asked, and a light bulb went off.

  “Oh no, I totally forgot,” I quipped, pulling the phone away from my ear to check the time but still hearing his laughter on the other end of the line.

  “They’ll be here in about twenty minutes.” I slid my arm away from Gracie and hopped out of bed.

  “Well, I’ll let you get to it. Will you be free by around noon?” he asked, and I was so thankful. I knew we would see each other today, it’s what we did. We were hardly ever away from each other. Our relationship was moving fast, at record speed almost, and it should scare me. But it didn’t. It felt right. It also felt like I couldn’t stop it if I tried, not that I wanted to.

  “Of course. I can’t wait to see you. Twelve hours is too long.” I giggled into the receiver.

  “I was thinking the same thing. I’ll be over around then. I’ve got a surprise for you guys.”

  “A surprise?” I gushed.

  “Yep, don’t ask for any hints, you’re not getting any.” He chuckled in my ear.

  “I wasn’t going to,” I said with complete authority.

  “Lie.” He chuckled, calling me out.

  “Not even a little hint,” I purred.

  “Nope, don’t even try it. That sexy little morning voice of yours isn’t going to work. Now, get ready for your company, I’ll see you soon.”

  “Okay, see you soon.”

  “Love you,” he said, so nonchalant. I wanted to get to that point. I wanted to say it first without worry or overthinking.

  “I love you,” I replied before ending the call, and rushed around to get dressed, hearing a quiet knock on the door.

  “I love that man,” I whispered to myself, as I galloped to the front door, double checking the peep hole before unlocking both bolts.

  “Good morning, sunshine!” Vicky beamed, and I noticed Alana walking quickly to the front door at the same time.

  “Wait for me, wait for me.” She began to run, pulling her coat tighter as they both barreled through the door.

  “It’s freezing out there,” Alana chattered, as I closed the door behind them.

  Vicky sniffed loudly before speaking, “I don’t smell the jitter juice. What’s going on here?”

  “I’m working on it, I was on the phone with Joshua.” I let out a dramatic sigh.

  “How is Mr. Perfect?” Alana bat her eyelashes at me.

  “He’s...just that. Perfect.” I shook my head, biting my lip, leading them to the table in my tiny kitchen.

  “Where are the boys?” I glanced over my shoulder at Alana.

  “Basketball camp.” She hung her coat over the back of the kitchen chair.

  “They got in
! Yay!” I beamed, knowing it was something both of the boys really wanted.

  “Yes, thank you, Jesus. Mama needed a little break. Those two have been nonstop for days. They never run out of energy.” She raised her hands to the sky, sliding down onto the wooden chair.

  “I remember those days; now I have to beg mine to come out of their rooms, unless they want me to cook for them.” Vicky shook her head dramatically.

  “Is Gracie still sleeping?” Alana asked, looking down the hallway.

  “Yeah, she’s asleep on my bed. She woke up for a minute, but that’s it.” I grabbed three mugs from the cabinet.

  “Ah, heaven.” Vicky sighed as the coffee began to brew and the distinct scent filled the air.

  We all laughed quietly, then stood to make our own cups just the way we liked them, in silence.

  “So, how’s it going with Joshua? You two getting hitched yet?” Vicky glanced with a smile, before taking a sip of her coffee.

  “Oh goodness, no...but—” I stopped short.

  “But, what?” Vicky sat her cup down and rest her fists on her chin.

  “Spill, girl. This is the only action I get; I’m living vicariously through you,” Alana pried with a smile, wiggling her brows at me.

  “He told me he loved me,” I gushed, pressing my hand against my heart.

  “Aww,” Vicky and Alana both sang in unison.

  “I know. Oh, you guys, he’s so amazing. And he’s so good with Gracie. It almost seems too good to be true, sometimes. Ya know?”

  “Ryan, you deserve this. You deserve to be happy.” Alana squeezed my hand before taking another sip of her coffee.

  “And Joshua is a good man, he’s in this for the long haul. Trust me,” Vicky chimed in.

  “What do you mean by that?” I squinted at her, wondering if she knew something that I didn’t. I knew that Lee and Joshua were close, and if she had inside information, I wanted to hear it.

  “I’m just saying...he’s not going anywhere, honey.” She didn’t give me more information, and I wanted to pry, but I also knew for myself that Joshua was all in. He had shown me that.

  “I just don’t know what I did to deserve someone like him,” I said with complete honesty.