In His Eyes

by Nicole Hart

  “No, no, please. Leave her alone,” I begged as he towered over her little body, watching her, plotting his next move.

  My eyes were drawn to the base of the lamp sitting on my nightstand. I grabbed it hard, disconnecting the cord from the wall and gripping the heavy metal in my fist.

  “And just what do you think you’re going to do with that?” His laughter fueled my anger.

  “Get away from her!” I demanded, walking closer to him, the lamp shaking in my hand, mustering up the nerve to hit him.

  But just as quick as I’d held it over his head, he snatched it out of my hand, launching it into the wall with a loud thud.

  Gracie began to cry. I tried to move toward her, but he intercepted, pushing me onto my bed. My body tried to move as he straddled himself over me.

  Fight.

  Fight.

  Fight.

  I wiggled and shook, begged and demanded, but I was no match for his strength.

  He placed one hand over my mouth, making it hard to breathe.

  “Do you know what you are? You’re a whore. A worthless whore.” Saliva pooled around his lips as his teethed clenched together in anger.

  I continued to fight, to try to fight.

  He placed his other hand over my throat and began to squeeze. I felt my pulse throbbing in my ears.

  Thump. Thump.

  Thump. Thump.

  Thump. Thump.

  “You’ll never get away. Never!” His eyes squinted as he pressed harder, my eyes burning, my throat clenching shut.

  The room became darker, Gracie’s cries were getting further and further away from me.

  The sound of thunder crashing startled me as I sat straight up in my bed. I searched my room, fear consuming me. My lungs fighting for breath.

  I was alone. Lightning illuminated the room again, and I launched myself off my bed, running to Gracie’s room where she was sleeping soundly. I ran to the front door, double checking the locks. I went to each window, making sure they were secure.

  “It was a dream. It was just a dream,” I mumbled to myself, trying to calm down.

  I crawled back in my bed, the storm being the only sound around me. The rain falling and sound of thunder in the distance. I went to Gracie’s room to check on her once more, and then paced the carpet next to my bed before grabbing my phone to check the time.

  12:04 AM

  “It was just a dream,” I repeated to myself, trying to keep my fingers from doing what they were determined to do.

  I pressed the phone to my ear as it started to ring.

  “Ryan? What’s wrong?” Joshua’s sleepy voice rumbled in my ear.

  “I’m sorry, I know it’s late,” I began to speak, and realized how shaky my voice was, tears deciding to begin falling.

  “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Gracie okay?” His voice was laced with worry and I knew I should have resisted the urge.

  “We’re fine. I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I just had a horrible dream and I panicked. I shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry. Go back to sleep,” I rambled.

  “No, it’s okay. It’s okay,” he attempted to reassure me.

  “I’m just kind of freaked out, I’m sorry.” I knew I couldn’t apologize enough, but I could try.

  “Ryan,” he spoke, the slumber in his voice long gone.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?” His voice was soothing, and I didn’t want to reject his offer. I needed him, his presence.

  “Okay.” I felt guilty. But I was also scared, and right now, that trumped anything else.

  “I’m on my way.”

  “You don’t have to.” I knew that trying to convince him that I would be fine was the right thing to do, but the truth was, I wasn’t sure if it was the truth.

  “Ryan, I want to. I need to.”

  THE SUN WAS shining through the window blinds, which was my usual alarm clock on the weekends. But I’d been awake for almost an hour, I just hadn’t moved. I just stared...at Joshua. The way he looked in his sleep was almost mesmerizing. I could watch the rise and fall of his chest indefinitely. Even in a t-shirt and jeans, it was obvious how chiseled his body was. And his face looked so peaceful. His breathing was so quiet. My hand reached across the bed, without my brain’s permission, and pressed my palm over his heart. The steady beat thumped against my hand in perfect rhythm.

  My touch seemed to stir him, and I almost pulled away when his body began to rouse. I waited as his eyes fluttered, and the look of confusion crossed his face before realizing where he was.

  “Good morning,” I whispered, when his eyes met mine.

  “Mornin’.” He smiled a sleepy grin and turned on his side to face me. He draped his arm across my waist and pulled me closer to him, before planting a soft kiss on my lips. My morning breath fear caused me to tense up, and I scolded myself for not sliding out of bed to brush my teeth before he woke.

  “Hold on, okay?” I pulled away and pressed my hand over my mouth, sliding out of bed and making a dash to the bathroom. I heard him chuckle when I turned the water on, brushing my teeth quickly, running my fingers through my hair at the same time.

  “Sorry,” I muttered, when I made my reappearance. I smiled at him as he was propped up on his elbow, grinning from ear to ear. His stubble covering that dimple I loved so much. But I didn’t mind the stubble, not one bit.

  “You feeling okay this morning?” He smiled and patted the bed beside him so I took my place before speaking.

  “Yeah. Thank you again for coming over last night. I’m sorry for calling.” I stared downward and felt the bed dip as he sat up and moved closer to me.

  “Listen, Ryan,” he touched my chin and pulled my face upward, “Stop apologizing. I want you to come to me if you need anything, I want to be there for you.” He tilted his head and kissed me once more.

  “That’s much better.” He inhaled and started to laugh when I shoved him playfully.

  “Brat,” I mumbled before he continued, thankful for his playful nature.

  “But seriously, don’t ever hesitate, okay?” He ran his fingers down my bare arm, just past my gray t-shirt.

  “Okay,” I replied, recalling the night before. Joshua arrived at my apartment in record time, before my body had even stopped trembling with fear. He held me until I was calm and fell asleep in his arms.

  “Although, I have to admit it was hard sleeping next to you and keeping my promise.” He let out a long sigh, running his fingers through his perfectly tousled hair.

  “Your promise?” I tilted my head in confusion, waiting.

  “Okay, I know I need to talk to you about this, and I hope you don’t think differently of me because of it.”

  “About what?” Worry began to course through me, unsure of what he meant.

  “Okay, I made a promise...to God, that I wouldn’t have sex until I got married. Not that I was sure you were ready, but it was just hard not to think about, with you lying there in bed next to me.”

  “Oh.” I tried not to let my mouth gape open and keep it completely shut, but my question came flying out. “So you’ve never...” I couldn’t seem to finish.

  “No, I mean, yeah, I have.” Another sigh escaped his perfect lips before he continued. “I was a little different in college, a lot different actually. I went through a tough time, trying to figure out who I was, and made lots of careless mistakes in the process. And then, I realized that I wasn’t being the man God intended me to be. So, I made a promise to get it together and do things right. I quit partying and having meaningless hookups. I focused on getting my degree, and then starting my business. I focused on Him. And I made the decision to wait until I was married, to wait for the woman He had in store for me.” He looked into my eyes and then ran his fingertips over my cheek.

  “Wow,” I mumbled, before he brushed his lips gently over mine.

  Swoon.

  “I hope you can understand.” He seemed nervous.

  “I think it’
s amazing. And beautiful. And I wish I...” I began to ramble about my own self-doubts, but his lips met mine once again before I had the chance.

  “You...” he began before kissing me once more, “are perfect. In every way. Neither one of us can change our pasts, but we can determine our futures,” he whispered, and wrapped me in his arms, pulling me into his lap.

  “Sometimes, I think you’re too good to be true,” I confessed, pulling back just enough to see his eyes.

  “Nah, I just know what’s right in front of me and I see it for what it is.” The deep rumble in his voice caused a shiver up my spine as he kissed the tip of my nose.

  “Mama!” Gracie’s voice beckoned from the other room.

  We both giggled and I slid off his lap, standing up.

  “The princess has risen.” I beamed and looked over my shoulder as Gracie stood to her feet, shaking the bars on her crib anxiously.

  I shuffled my feet across the hall into her room and her eyes looked right past me.

  “Yuh-Yuh!”

  “Hey, what am I, chopped liver?” I joked as I picked her up, all while her attention was fixed on Joshua.

  “Oh gosh, what time is it?” I looked over my shoulder at Joshua, who was making faces at Gracie. He pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at the screen.

  “It’s 8:30.” He smiled before sliding it back in his jeans pocket.

  “We’ve got to get ready for church.”

  “Okay, how about I run home and get ready, then come back and get you guys?” He walked closer to us, pressing his shoulder against mine and taking Gracie from my arms when she reached for him, without hesitation, as if it were a completely natural thing to do.

  “I don’t mind driving.”

  “I want us to go together, plus I was hoping you guys would come to my house afterward. I can make us lunch or something,” he offered as Gracie ran her chubby fingers over the stubble on his face.

  “You cook?” I lifted my brows.

  “Well, I can call something in.” He winked and then held up his index finger. “Although I can make a pretty mean BLT.” He nodded.

  “I like BLT’s.” I grinned and put my arm around his waist, sliding closer to him.

  “BLT’s it is then.” He reached down and kissed my forehead before wrapping his free arm around my neck.

  Gracie put her arm on my shoulder and held us both tight.

  My chest was tight with emotions and I had to force the lump in my throat to take a hike.

  I’D NEVER BEEN one who enjoyed any type of public attention. And part of me knew I was about to be thrust into the spotlight. Although, the rational part of me knew this was church and chances were, no one was even going to notice. But the rational part of me wasn’t exactly making her presence known at the moment. Worried and anxious Ryan was in charge right now.

  “You okay?” Joshua grabbed my hand, pulling my attention from the line of trees I had been staring at the entire drive. I glanced up at him as he pulled my hand closer to his lips, his softness pressing against my knuckles, one at a time.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I faked a smile and tried to pull myself from the state of anxiety that I’d allowed myself to drown in.

  I’d purposely avoided going to church together for weeks and weeks. I’d be sure to sneak in a little late, knowing how punctual Joshua was and that he would already be early. I’d stay a little longer than necessary with Gracie in the nursery, or we’d “accidentally” oversleep and be ridiculously late for the service. Joshua would always be sure to find me at some point, but I’d successfully avoided the inevitable.

  Until now.

  “Here we go,” I mumbled to myself as we pulled into a parking space. I noticed Joshua glance at me out of the corner of his eye. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to be here with him. But, I also didn’t want to thrust my self-doubt on him. Again.

  “I’m just a little nervous,” I confessed quietly, when I caught Joshua staring at me.

  “No need, baby.” He gave me a wink and a smile, his little dimple on display thanks to his freshly shaved skin. My heart leapt into my throat at his term of endearment.

  “I know.” I smiled back, but on the inside, I just couldn’t shake the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  Joshua hopped out of his truck and walked around to my side, opening the back door of the cab and unbuckling Gracie from her car seat without a second thought. I slid out of the truck, hopping down and stood behind him.

  “Need some help?” I asked, peeking around him at my smiling girl.

  “Nope, I got it.” He grunted as he pulled Gracie into his arms.

  “I can carry her inside, if you want,” I offered, trying to make this a little less awkward for myself.

  “I don’t mind.” He gave me a heart stopping smile. And Gracie seemed to agree as she clutched onto his muscular forearm.

  “Do you want to take her to the nursery or sit with us?” he asked, as we walked through the crowded parking lot. I could feel curious eyes all around us.

  I felt a bead of sweat on the nape of my neck, even on this chilly December morning.

  “She likes the nursery.” I smiled up at the two of them and tried to ignore the nagging worry that was flailing around in my body.

  “You ready to play, Gracie?” he asked, as a greeter opened the glass door for us.

  “Mornin’ Josh, you catch that game last night?” He shook Joshua’s hand and they fell into a quick conversation about a touchdown and overpaid kicker while I stood quietly by his side.

  “Good morning, ma’am, it’s good to see you.” The older man turned his attention away from football and gave me a quick handshake.

  “Good morning.” I gave him a smile.

  “There’s my baby!” I heard Madi’s voice across the foyer and I giggled as she came running in our direction.

  But a few feet from us, a young woman made eye contact with me, and when her eyes darted between Joshua and I, she stopped in her tracks. She looked me over for a moment, but most of her attention was fixed on Joshua. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was tall and blonde, with perfect curls and a perfect body. Her outfit looked as if it cost a fortune, and she had on a pair of heels that I was sure I’d break my neck in if I attempted to wear them. Her eyes, they were crystal blue, with a smoky shadow. But the thing that I noticed the most, was the way those eyes were looking at the man standing next to me. Just at that moment, Joshua turned his attention to me, completely unaware of the woman on the other side of the room or the way she was giving him her undivided attention.

  “You ready?” he asked, pressing his fingertips to the small of my back just as Madi approached us.

  “Hey y’all!” She beamed just as Gracie thrust herself into her direction.

  “There’s my girl! I missed you!” She gave her three kisses on her cheek and then looked at us. “Guess who’s working the nursery today?”

  “Oh good, Gracie has missed you too!” I followed behind Madi as she headed to the nursery.

  A few minutes later, Gracie was signed in to the nursery and completely oblivious to the fact that we were leaving. She really did love it there, and Madi being there today was an added bonus for her. Joshua opened the heavy wooden doors and held it open as we walked into the sanctuary. He followed right behind me and my eyes were drawn to Vicky and Lee in their normal seats. Vicky glanced in my direction and gave me a huge grin and a wave. When her eyes glanced over to Joshua, she looked back at me and mouthed the words, “It’s about time.” I rolled my eyes and she gave me thumbs up.

  I wondered if I could get away with sliding into my seat next to Vicky but at the same moment, I felt Joshua link his hand with mine and guide me forward.

  “It’s okay,” he leaned down and whispered in my ear, squeezing my hand, leading me down the aisle. I could feel the eyes on me as we continued to walk, and the music began to play.

  We made our way to his usual seat with an empty one next to i
t. He placed his hand on the small of my back as I stood beside him.

  “This is where you’re supposed to be.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead. “Next to me.”

  My self-doubt cleared her throat and was determined to make a speech before that still, small voice shut her down.

  You are worthy.

  A sense of peace washed over me, and I stared up at the man who was changing everything. He really was amazing. And maybe I had beat myself up for long enough. Maybe I did deserve someone like him.

  “There’s nowhere else I’d want to be.” I looped my arm through his and pressed my head against his shoulder. I noticed Kate out of the corner of my eye, walking quickly in our direction.

  “Good morning, son.” She pulled Joshua into a quick hug and kissed his cheek.

  “And there’s my beautiful girl.” She turned to me and wrapped her arms around me. “I’m so glad to see you. Is Gracie in the nursery?”

  “She is.” I smiled and felt comforted by her gentleness.

  “Find me after church, I got her the cutest little toy yesterday.” She patted my cheek and turned quickly on her heal as the music amped a little louder. She climbed the steps onto the stage and grabbed her microphone, taking her usual position on the platform.

  I let out a sigh of content and began to clap my hands along to the beat of the music.

  Once the service was over, we began making our way out of the sanctuary but seemed to be stopped every few feet by people wanting to chat with Joshua and asking for introductions. I had been coming here for a few months, but kept a pretty low profile. I guess when you find yourself sitting on the front row with the pastor’s son, people are curious. But everyone was really nice and I was thankful for that.

  “I’m going to run to the restroom really quick,” I whispered to Joshua as I noticed a man walking in his direction.

  “I’ll meet you at the nursery,” he replied, rubbing the palm of his hand over the small of my back before I retreated.

  I walked quickly to the restroom, opening the door and coming to a quick halt when I saw her standing at the sink, putting on lip gloss. I wanted to run in the other direction, unable to shake the way she was looking at Joshua.