by Nicola Lowe
He soon relaxed and our evening returned to a happy feel. His jealous streak could be irritating though. As I nodded off to sleep, cuddled up against Zack’s warm body, my mind wasn’t quite on board with the idea of being ‘all yours’.
I was at my desk but distracted, I didn’t want to work. I looked down and realised I was wearing an obscenely short skirt and those lucky heels of Cassie’s that I liked to borrow. That was weird, they would cripple me at work. The phone rang, I picked it up with long manicured nails. “Hello?”
“You should come through now.” Ordered a deep, male voice. I knew that voice but couldn’t place it.
Then I was knocking on Luke’s office door. He dragged me in and pushed me up against the wall, kissing me harder than I had ever been kissed, ripping the clothes off me. I was in heels and the raunchiest black lingerie I’d ever seen as he carried me to his desk and pushed me down onto it…
I sat bolt upright in bed, confused, the sun was rising. Zack sat up too, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.
My heart was pulsating as though it would burst out of me. “Weird dream,” I replied. “I’m fine, sorry.”
Zack wrapped his arms back around me, like a protective shield as I lay down. Why was my brain so stubborn about Luke?
Ten
Cassie and I had been messaging each other over the weekend about Luke’s news. We arranged to meet for dinner on Monday night so we could talk it all out, in one of our favourite pubs, The Oak Tree. It was an old, traditional place, about ten minutes’ walk from both of us. Full of cosy snugs, log fires in winter and a traditional menu with local ales and real home cooked chips. It was impossible to come here without eating chips.
Cassie was already at the table with a bottle of wine for us when I headed in. “Not like you to be early.” I nodded towards the wine. “Drinking?”
Cassie rolled her eyes and sighed. “Maybe next month hey? Anyway, I’m so excited to be eating in a place that doesn’t serve happy meals or have a soft play attached. I missed you. It’s weird not seeing you every weekend now,” she smiled, the real genuine smile of an old friend.
“Aww, look at you all soppy! I thought you were made up now I’m officially in love and everything is rosy?” I asked, knowing I was forever indebted to this beautiful lady for finding Zack.
“I am! I still expect a special speech at the wedding to thank me,” she grinned. “Right, I’m ordering food and then we can talk. The usual I take it?” I nodded in agreement as I took my phone out of my bag.
Cassie headed to the bar, chatting away to George, the landlord. I heard her order lamb for both of us, our favourite in here. I don’t know what their special recipe was, but it was addictive. I was sending Zack a picture of our wine and thinking I needed to bring him here one day, when Cassie returned.
“Leave him alone please and concentrate on me,” she pulled a face. “So, honestly, how do you feel about Luke going?”
Sighing, I slipped the phone back into my handbag. “I feel like it’s all my fault.”
“I think you were a contributing factor, but you know how he loves to travel, he has always been passionate about seeing the world. Perhaps, this is what he needs?” Cassie watched me as she spoke.
“I hate the fact we aren’t friends anymore; he can barely look at me in work.” I took a long drink of the wine. “I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink one night, but he hasn’t answered. I miss our silly laughs, miss him coming to yoga with me, miss us sitting in Starbucks just reading and drinking coffee together.”
“He needs time, and space, it’ll work wonders. Hopefully he’ll come back with a Brazilian goddess, and you two can be friends again? Actually, I think he’d be more suited to a Swedish girl. Imagine the blonde babies,” said Cassie, going completely off on a tangent.
“I can’t stop feeling guilty,” I admitted.
“You were single, Zack was single, you fell in love. You did nothing wrong. I’ve spent a lot of time with Luke recently, and he just feels foolish, for not saying anything. He’s kicking himself that he left it too late. He’ll be OK though, Lily, he will. If I’d known I would’ve told you. You were so focused on being single, and he never seemed to want more than the odd one-night stand. I never pictured you two together,” Cassie licked her lips as plates piled high with hot, delicious food were placed in front of us. “If he’d told you, before you met Zack, what would you have done?”
I gulped more wine. “What would I have done? Luke… repeatedly.”
“Shit!” Cassie exclaimed. “Serious?”
“The more time goes on since he told me, yeah. He was always like my big brother, possibly because I felt like a scared little kid when I met him. But lately, since Zack I guess, I feel grown up and sexy and over all that crap.” I laughed at myself. “Sounds stupid, but I feel different now, and knowing what I know…I think I’ll always feel sad about what might’ve been.”
“Have you said that stuff to Luke?”
I shook my head. “No point. The situation is what it is. Did you already know Luke was going away, before Friday?” I asked.
“Yes, sorry. He made me promise I wouldn’t say. He wanted to tell you himself.” she replied.
“He announced it in a staff meeting, he didn’t make time to talk to me alone or anything.” I sounded sulky.
“I don’t know what you expect, Lily, he’s hurting and everywhere he turns it feels like all he sees or hears is you and Zack. He needs space. I expect Zack isn’t going to miss him?”
“Zack’s jealous streak about Luke is off the charts. I can barely mention Luke’s name.” I confessed.
“Instead of feeling guilty, or sad, just think about what an amazing time he’s going to have, and how much he needs it. The best thing you can do is wave him off with a smile, and then be ready to be his friend again when he gets back. Can you do that?” Cassie asked.
I nodded. “I can, I will. When he came back from Africa, I had this idea in my head that he and Zack would be great friends, and everything would slot into place. I found a man I’m crazy in love with, why did there have to be a price?”
“Now you’re just being dramatic.” She grinned as she pinched a giant chip from my plate. “It’s all going to be fine, trust me. Plus, you have me, what more does a girl need?” I smiled at her as I stuck my fork into one of her chips in retaliation. “I need more details on what’s happening with you and Zack please. Brighten up my dull life!”
She may have joked about her life being dull, and how hard being a mum was, but she was an absolute natural. She loved it and everything that came with it. Cassie and Guy were the most in love, solid couple I could imagine. I envied how easy it had been for her. They’d met when Cassie was at college and had been inseparable ever since. The two of them survived a long-distance relationship through university and then settled into domestic bliss, buying a bigger house every time Guy got promoted, which seemed to be a regular occurrence. As much as she joked about needing details of my sex life to keep her going, I was pretty sure she was satisfied in that department. I hoped she got the baby news she wanted soon.
Cassie hugged me as we split the bill and got ready to head home. “We should make Monday nights a regular arrangement,” she smiled. “That was so much fun. Do you promise me you are going to stop stressing?”
“I will.” I replied. “But I’m going to miss him.”
“We all will, but, we all want our friends to be happy, don’t we?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Yes, we do, Mum.”
“I’ll call you in thirty seconds. Love you!”
Whenever we walked home separately, we talked as we walked, making sure each other was safe. It was quiet where we lived, and crime was low, but it was always nice to not feel alone when walking home in the dark.
I arrived back to my gorgeous flat and kicked off my boots, my phone pinged with a message. I opened it, expecting Zack, but it was Luke’s name on the scr
een.
Luke: Sorry I haven’t got back to you about the drink, don’t know what to do for the best. I can’t decide if it’s a good or bad idea, but this can’t get worse I guess?
Lily: It’s been so long since I even got a message from you, I missed seeing your name! x
Luke: What are you up to now?
Lily: Literally just got in from the pub, had tea with Cassie. Why? x
Luke: If I wait, I’ll change my mind, feel up to coming back out?
My head was flooded with all the happy hormones, to be able to message my friend again was so nice. The idea of going out at this time on a Monday night reminded me of carefree times.
Lily: This time on a Monday night? There’s only one place we could go. Are you ready for that level of slumminess? x
Luke: Born for it! I’ll be outside yours in fifteen minutes x
Half an hour later we walked into the local student union bar, the oldest people in there by miles. That still didn’t stop a gaggle of eighteen-year-old girls literally stopping in their tracks to gaze open-mouthed at Luke, before moving onto flashing me daggers. The bar was loud and colourful, we’d never known it to be closed. Everything was cheap, from the drinks to the vinyl seating, which worryingly seemed to be wipe-clean for a reason.
I grabbed a booth, smiling at Luke as he walked back over with a pint and a large wine. He was dressed casually, jeans and a t-shirt, I hadn’t seen him in anything but a work suit in ages now.
“Feels rebellious being out late on a Monday!” I knocked my wine glass against his. “Cheers.”
Luke beamed at me. “I missed this. Our random adventures.”
“Me too,” I smiled. “You want to talk about stuff? Or follow my example and pretend it didn’t happen whilst getting drunk and locking yourself away for four years?”
He blew out a low whistle. “It’s a tough one, but seeing as I’m leaving the country soon, we better go with the first option.” He took a drink and I watched him swallow the cold liquid down, his Adam’s apple bobbed as he did so, the skin of his throat so smooth. Parts of him I hadn’t noticed before.
“How have you been then, really? Cassie seems to have me on limited information, she says I just need to leave you alone.”
Luke shrugged, and I saw the heaviness he carried with him. “We’re OK now, did she not tell you that we had a huge argument?”
I put my drink down too hard and winced as the glass banged against the cheap table. “No, she never said. What happened? I’m sorry, you should’ve been able to come talk to me.”
“You wouldn’t have appreciated it. She came to mine to see if I was alright. I was in a vile mood and ended up telling her it was all her fault, and she was so irresponsible. I mean, you were lucky, Zack was nice, but he could’ve been anyone. She could have put you in a crazy dangerous situation.” He shook his head as he gulped down another drink. “I shouldn’t have shouted at her. I’ve apologised, but my thoughts are still the same.”
“Luke, if it’s any comfort, she questioned Zack to within an inch of his life before she let him anywhere near me. She wasn’t being reckless. I guess…” I looked up into his eyes, feeling the strength of his emotions bleed into me. “I guess, nobody in the world will ever understand our bond, will they? They weren’t there, they don’t know.”
I sensed the internal conflict in him as he reached across and placed his large hand over mine, the skin cold from his drink, but so soft and tender. “Is he good, Lily? Is he treating you how you deserve?”
“He really is, there’s nothing to worry about there. But Luke, I don’t want you to go away thinking it was anything lacking in you. If I’d known…” I felt like I was betraying Zack even thinking this, let alone saying it. But it was a ‘what if’ situation, it wasn’t any threat to him. “If I’d known how you felt, if Cassie hadn’t arranged that meeting. I’m sure we’d be together. I had to make a choice though, and I was already too far down one path. Do you understand?”
I noted how neither of us moved our hands. “I do, it’s not your fault. Just not our time I guess.”
We sat there for a few moments, nobody spoke. I knew he was going through a torrent of feelings; I could see him struggling with what to do right now. Luke’s eyes focused and he looked at me.
“What are you meant to be doing at work tomorrow?” he asked.
“The usual. Why? What are you doing?” I was bemused by the question.
“Pretty much slacking off before I leave. I can tell them I need you to help me get all my files closed off. Then we can sit in my office and skive and drink coffee. Which will help the hangovers we can work on now, if we order shots and join in the midnight karaoke session?” He smiled widely, his eyes twinkled with the challenge.
“I’m up for it if you are, but you know I’m going to kick your arse at karaoke!”
“Challenge accepted.” With that, Luke headed back to bar. The same group of girls admiring him.
Two hours later, my throat hoarse from the karaoke, we stumbled outside into fresh air. The muscles in my stomach were tight from laughing. The cocktails at the student union appeared to be pre-mixed and I felt on a high from all the added extra’s, the combination of sugar and alcohol created a strange sensation in me. I was sure my heart was beating way too fast. My soul felt mellow just for having my best friend close to me again though.
“Want to stay at mine? It’s closer.” Luke asked. Drunk brain said yes. I couldn’t see any harm in this, I’d stayed at Luke’s a hundred times before. I’d also had issues with drunk brain though, I duly noted. Nodding enthusiastically, we carried on laughing about nothing as we stumbled the short distance.
It took Luke four or five attempts to open the front door. Eventually we plonked down onto his couch, still grinning like idiots. “Want another drink?” he asked.
“I don’t think I can, we have to be up in a few hours don’t we?” I tried to squint at my phone but couldn’t figure out the time.
“Maybe. Fuck it. Honestly, when are we going to get to do this again?” Luke was at his most reckless now and I loved it. We were always a bad influence on each other when we got like this. He opened a kitchen drawer and pulled out a chunky, hand rolled joint. “I’m taking this outside, you coming?”
“I haven’t known you do that for a long time,” I waited, patiently, for a response, even though it hadn’t been a question.
“I have trouble sleeping since I got back, it helps.” I saw him bite on the inside of his gum as he watched me.
“Well, be rude not to share when I’m a house guest.” I jumped up, grabbed onto a lamp and almost broke it, more intoxicated than I realised, before I followed him towards the back door.
Luke had a couple of sun loungers in his back garden, the two of us had spent hours on them last summer, talking afternoons away. He pulled them side by side and motioned for me to lie down. I watched him hold the joint between his lips as he lit it, hypnotised by the proximity to the man who had saved me, the man I had missed.
Luke took a deep breath as he lay down next to me, that man had serious lung power. As he exhaled, the aromatic, dense smell floated over me. He turned to look at me and held it out. “Want some?”
I nodded as I took it from him, aware of how his fingers brushed over mine. I closed my eyes as I took a long drag, the heat invaded my lungs like lava flowing into me. As my head tilted back, I opened my eyes back up, noticing the stars above me twinkling in the sky, like beautiful gems. The twisting pattern of my exhaled smoke floated away in front of me, outlined against the dark night.
Everything was still, everything was beautiful. Luke’s breath was steady beside me. My right hand had dropped lazily to my side and soft, warm fingers took hold of it. I liked it. I liked this.
Taking another drag, I looked to the side. Luke’s face was… so alive and so aesthetically perfect. I shifted onto my side, passing the joint back to him.
He placed it into his mouth. “You are so, so pretty Luke,” I whi
spered, not entirely sure why I was whispering. Even drunk brain was quiet now as the substance made me feel introspective.
He scratched his head, looking torn. “You’re beyond pretty. You’re everything.”
“I missed this Luke.”
“I don’t think we’ve ever lain outside in the middle of the night calling each other pretty before, can’t miss something that never happened.” Luke tried to look serious, but I could see his eyes twinkling with an internal smile.
“Maybe we should’ve done. Maybe we should’ve been doing that all along. Give me more of that.” I grinned at him, noticing how as he passed it to me, he ran his fingers over mine once more. “Do you think that you and me, would’ve worked?”
He reached across and stroked my cheek. “I think we would’ve been the most amazing couple in the world.”
“I’m so sorry Luke.” I started to cry, the smoke choked my lungs all of a sudden.
“Please don’t cry,” Luke reached across and pulled me to him in a hug. We lay there, his arm around me, watching the sky until there were no more drags to take. Even then I recognised that neither of us wanted to move. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
“Are you going to come to bed with me?” I meant it, as I looked into his eyes and our breath mingled together. Neither of us spoke for what seemed to be an eternity.
“Lily, don’t …” I saw pain flash across his face, and immediately regretted my words. Even if I didn’t regret the intention. “Why would you say that?”
“I could blame it on drink and drugs,” I shrugged, feeling hopeless. “In reality though, I don’t think we’ll ever get another night like this. I think once you leave, you’ll never come back. Is one night better than nothing? I don’t know anymore. I feel like we should’ve had more nights.”