The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  “I know, she’s always bitchy to me. Maybe this time it worked in my favour hey?”

  “I slept with Anna a couple of years ago, she wanted it to be more, I didn’t. She’s been a pain ever since. I’m sorry you got caught up in that.” He ran his hand through his hair.

  “You’re sorry I saw it then, not sorry it happened? And Anna? Seriously?”

  “Don’t start twisting my words again. This is all crap. Crap that’s covering up the real issue, which still is and always will be – Luke.”

  I looked down at the table, knowing he was right but not willing to admit it.

  “Why have you come to work dressed all sexy like that? Honestly?” His face softened. I bit my lip as I answered.

  “To piss you off. To try to look hotter than that girl.” I answered. “Various reasons.”

  “We never had a proper big fight before, did we? This whole situation is crazy, Lily.” He placed his hand over mine, I stayed still as a statue, not sure what to think. “You infuriate me, but I love you. You’re still my perfect girl, no matter what I said. I’ve done stupid things that we need to talk about, and I suspect that you have too. I want you to come home. I want us to work this out.”

  “As long as I agree to never see Luke again?” I asked, looking up at those gorgeous brown eyes. Despite me being so mad at him, I was still full of love.

  Zack nodded at me. “We can draw a line under this. I can forgive anything that’s happened, and I hope you can forgive me too. But if we do this, we do it properly. You’d have to leave him in the past, it’s the only way.”

  I took a long breath as Zack rubbed his thumb over my hand. “Lily, I want us to buy a house and get married, have love and family around us all the time. I want lots of kids, you know that, and I don’t want to have them with anyone in the world but you. I want to grow old together and love you every single day. I want us. I just need you to want it too.”

  I was unable to stop the tears dropping from my eyes.

  “You’re not saying anything and it’s making me nervous. If you want to talk, I’ll answer the phone. I need to know soon though, what you want. Is it me or is it him?”

  Zack placed a paper light kiss to my lips and left the room. The photo of him and the blonde still open on my phone. My stomach hurt; the words I’d just heard flew around my head.

  I didn’t care if he’d screwed half of Iceland last weekend, we could put it behind us, we could fix this. But Luke… could I live without Luke? It didn’t seem possible.

  Rush hour trains though – those I could live without. I stood in the cramped carriage on the way back to Luke’s, I felt so sorry for myself, and my feet were killing me.

  Luke handed me a glass of Sauvignon Blanc as I walked through the door. “I love you coming home to me, especially in sexy shoes.”

  I kissed him and smiled. “That train is vile though.”

  We sat down together, and Luke pulled my legs up onto his knee, rubbing my sore feet. He was an angel. “How was work then?” he asked.

  I knew what he wanted to know. “We spoke briefly at lunchtime. I need to call him; he wants to explain more.”

  “Did he apologise?”

  I screwed my face up. “Sort of… it was a bit tense. I need to hear what he has to say, and I need to tell him about this.”

  Luke concentrated on my feet, not looking at me as he spoke. “This? Are we not an ‘us’?”

  “We’re more than that. Let me talk to him. Until I know the full story, nothing can move on.” I stroked his face with my finger, his eyes met mine at last.

  “I wouldn’t stop you, that’s his thing, not mine.” I knew Luke had a point. “Why don’t you go have a nice bath, then call him. I’ll cook dinner. Then see how we can figure all of this out?”

  I nodded, pulling him into a long kiss. Petrified in case these kisses were on borrowed time. “Thank you.”

  Luke laughed as I picked my shoes up to take with me. “What? I love them, they come everywhere with me.” I grinned.

  I ended up out of the bath again within half an hour. Sickness rolled over me when I thought of this phone call, it was time to face up to what I’d done, what Zack had done.

  Nice pyjamas and wet hair, I sat in Luke’s office, ready to make the call. I rested the phone on a stand as my fingers trembled with nerves.

  I gulped as Zack answered the video call. He was in the kitchen, still dressed in work clothes. Still looking… pretty pissed off.

  “Where are you?” he asked, I could see him looking behind me for clues.

  “Luke’s office.” A look of resignation swooped over Zack’s handsome features.

  The silence was deafening. “You told me to call if I wanted to talk.”

  He nodded, taking a drink from a glass beer bottle. “Right. I wish I’d never said I wanted a break. I’ve never been that angry in my entire life and I couldn’t think straight. It didn’t lift for days. I don’t understand how you think it’s inappropriate of me to want you to stop seeing him.”

  “You didn’t even try to stop me leaving. You wouldn’t answer any of my calls. Then I saw that picture. It seemed a pretty clear message Zack.” I don’t know if being on the phone made this easier or harder than being in person, but I was about to confirm his worst suspicions. “So, after that, I came to Luke’s. I’ve been… with Luke since.”

  Zack sat down on one of the bar stools, our bar stools. “I didn’t sleep with the girl from the photograph. I did sleep with a girl in Iceland though. For stupid reasons, I was still in that angry rage and I wanted to hurt you. Because I knew you’d be with him.”

  Our eyes stared into each other. I didn’t know what to say anymore. This felt like my fault. I hated what he’d done, but I was the one going on and on at him about Luke beforehand.

  “I meant what I said at work.” Zack blew out a long breath. “This last week has been screwed up. We can put it behind us though, we can have that life we talked about together.”

  “With the one condition?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  He nodded. “It’s the only way. I’d give up anything or anyone if it was hurting you Lily. I need to see the same loyalty in return. If you can’t…” There was no need for him to finish the sentence.

  “Zack, I love you. This situation with me and Luke is so complicated. Can you give me a couple of days?”

  “Knowing you’re in bed with him every night? No.” He ran his hand though his hair again.

  “What if I go to Cassie’s? Have a couple of days away from both of you.”

  “I don’t know what’s so hard about this. I’ve apologised, I’ve admitted what I did. I’ve said I’ll forgive what you did…”

  “I need to be sure. I need to know I forgive you in return. I have pretty crappy feelings about myself right now that I need to come to terms with. I’ll have eight thousand questions about what you did.” I felt salty tears hit my lips as I realised that I was crying. My heart felt like it had been cracked in two when I thought of him with her. Yet I had carried out the same betrayal. Multiple times over.

  “I’ll answer anything for you. But I don’t want to know a single detail about you and him. I can’t have it in my head.”

  “Tell me about what happened then.”

  He cleared his throat before he began. “You know what those clients are like. Worked us crazy hard in the day, but at night-time… We were in this amazing hotel and everything was on their expenses account. I’d managed to hide what was going on pretty well, but I got to the point I couldn’t.”

  The beer sloshed against the bottle as he took another drink. “I was sat at the side of the bar, moping, while the others carried on. The girl working there asked me what was wrong. I ended up telling her our whole story. I decided to head to bed, drunk by this point. She asked me for my room number as she was finishing her shift in an hour – and I gave it to her.”

  My lip felt fat under my teeth as I chewed on it. Knowing I had no right to be m
ad at him, but it still hurt to hear this. “Was she blonde?” I asked.

  “Of all the questions…” He shook his head at me. “Yes, does that make a difference?”

  “No. I just wondered, because the bar girl here was blonde too and-”

  “Lily,” he cut me off. “I have no interest in anyone else, blonde or otherwise. I acted like an idiot, but I think we both know why. You do have an interest in Luke. It’ll destroy me if this is the end of us, but better that than play second fiddle to him for the rest of our relationship.”

  “I know,” I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Can I say that I love you?”

  “You can always say it, might be time to show it though.”

  I nodded. “I’ll go and stay with Cassie. We fell out too, but it’ll be fine.”

  “Was that my fault?” he asked. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone there.”

  “Don’t worry, as much my fault. A couple of days then?”

  Zack smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “The way we fell in love Lily … please don’t throw that away. That future we talked about, it’s right there. It’s in touching distance. You’ve just got to take that step with me. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Zack.”

  I put my head down on Luke’s desk as the call ended. I was devastated by the thought of Zack with another woman, but even worse was the thought of losing him. I loved Luke, to the point I felt like it was taking me over. Yet I had to lose one of them.

  I messaged Cassie to ask if I could stay. Receiving a quick response of a thumb’s up emoji and the words ‘bring wine’.

  Now to speak to Luke.

  As I walked back downstairs, I saw Luke was on the couch with a book. No sign of any food. He looked up at me with worried eyes.

  “I didn’t cook in the end, because I had a feeling you’d be leaving.”

  I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around his gorgeous, warm body. “I’m going to Cassie’s. I need to sort this out. I can’t do that fairly if I’m here with you.”

  “Do you want to go back to him?” Luke asked.

  “I don’t know what I want. He just told me he slept with a barmaid in Iceland. Knocks me sick but then… He’s willing to forgive what’s happened between me and you.”

  “Me and you are much more than just sex Lily.” Luke stroked my face softly as he spoke.

  “I know. I love you so much I feel like its bursting my heart open. But I love him too and we have a whole life together. I don’t know what to do, only that losing either one of you will break my heart into pieces.”

  “I meant what I said, your life there… everything can be undone. We can build a life together here, or anywhere you want in the world. Just imagine us together forever Lily.”

  “I know Luke. I’m scared of how I feel for you. It’s so intense. I want to be with you, I want to start again somewhere together. I want to feel this love forever, but I’m petrified of failing, and I’m worried I’m not strong enough to go through a breakup with Zack.”

  He sucked all of his breath in and held me close. “I understand. Can I walk you?”

  I nodded into his chest.

  “The beds going to feel like the loneliest place in the world. How quickly I adjusted to having you in it with me.”

  “I don’t know how I choose between you.” Just when I thought I was all cried out, the tears started again.

  Luke stroked my hair. “Shh, it’s OK. You do what’s right for you. Concentrate on what you feel is right. Don’t be distracted by what other people say or do, or what the world says your life should be like. Make this decision for you.”

  We walked the short distance to Cassie’s at a slow place, quiet and contemplative. Our hands wrapped around each other’s, as if in preparation for the world to tear us apart. Luke stopped at the front gates.

  “A couple of days then?”

  “Yes. I love you so much Luke. It hurts.”

  He kissed the tears from my cheeks before placing his damp lips onto mine in the softest kiss imaginable.

  “I love you. I always will. I’m only minutes away if you need me.”

  Cassie opened the front door holding a massive tub of ice cream.

  “Actually, I love you more than any boy.” I laughed through tears. “Shall we get married instead?”

  She screwed her face up. “You haven’t got the right equipment for me sweetheart, otherwise yes!” We sat on the couch, wine in hand. “I knew it’d come to this Lily. How are you going to choose?”

  “I have no idea,” I admitted. “My boss is pissed at me already, so I asked for the rest of the week as annual leave, it would be too weird bumping into Zack. Am I OK to stay while I figure it out?”

  “Of course, as long as you need.”

  “He shagged some blonde girl in Iceland.” I sighed.

  “The girl from the picture?” Cassie’s face was full of shock.

  “Nope, that was a different girl. He didn’t sleep with that one.”

  Cassie wrapped her arm around me. “Are you OK?”

  I shrugged. “Not really, feel horribly sick whenever I think about it but… have no right to be do I?”

  ‘That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt Lily. This whole thing is so screwed up.”

  I nodded and rested my head against her.

  I sort of… wanted to ask you a question anyway.” She had a weird look on her face, I couldn’t place it.

  “Fire away.” I smiled back.

  “You know I’ve always been jealous of your perfect skin.” I laughed and nodded. “Well, turns out I’m more jealous of your perfect ovaries.”

  “What the… we don’t even know they’re perfect for a start, can’t see them. Don’t even know if they’re there.” I poked at my belly, wondering how many drinks Cassie had already had.

  “Would you donate eggs to me?”

  I spat my drink out in shock, watched as the liquid landed on the expensive material of her couch. For once, she didn’t care. I wiped my face and hands as she continued.

  “You don’t need to sleep with Guy or anything weird. They take your eggs, mix them up with his sperm, then put them in me! Easy!” She looked manic; she was crazy nervous about this.

  “Cassie! Sweetheart, I know you’re upset but that’s not a good plan. How awkward would it be to know the baby was half mine? And I look nothing like you, we’re about as opposite as can be. Don’t you at least want a sibling who resembles your girls?”

  “I don’t want an anonymous egg donor who could be any old weirdo or psycho, selling eggs for money. I want good DNA and you have amazing DNA. Miss practically perfect in every way who has two absolute hotties fighting over her.” Her forehead was bunched up in tension.

  “I’m so far from perfect, you have no idea. Look, you’re still registering the news. Have you talked about it with Guy?”

  “The idea of using your eggs? No. He’s up for trying egg donation, I feel weird about it being a stranger.”

  I rubbed at my face again, why did every day get more confusing. “When me and Zack have kids, they’d be half siblings, that’s weird.”

  Her face lit up. “You said ‘when’ me and Zack have kids! You’re choosing Zack, aren’t you?!”

  “Cassie, I’m worn out, can I go collapse in the granny flat now please? So much to think about. It’s not a definite no, it’s just… a big decision.”

  It was a no, it was a definite no, I needed the right way to tell her.

  Twenty One

  Despite my mind being in overdrive, I fell asleep straight away, tucked inside the granny flat. A week of non-stop stress and sex would do that to you.

  It was late morning when I awoke. I glanced at my phone, but it seemed everyone thought I needed to be left alone.

  Maybe Cassie was trying to sweeten me up - she’d furnished the granny flat with my favourite bubble bath, enough wine to soak my problems up and enough chocolate to rot my teeth. She’d also left beautiful notebooks and pens, Cassie
was a big believer that a list could solve anything.

  Perhaps if I focused on one of them at a time, some epiphany would come to me? I made a coffee and grabbed a chocolate bar for breakfast, covering the important food groups as I slouched down on the bed.

  I creased the sharp edge of a new, blank page and began to write down memories about Zack that made me smile.

  Zack

  Super patient when we first met

  The amazing first kiss at the train station

  Falling in love slowly and deeply

  The amazing build up to the first time we had sex, in a castle!

  I love his family, his sisters feel like my sisters

  We live in a beautiful home that we chose together

  We have great jobs together

  Our eyes are identical, like mirrors to each other

  Makes me feel loved and wanted and cherished

  This felt like progress, or at least it wasn’t doing any harm. Now onto Luke’s list.

  Luke

  Literally saved me from the hardest time of my life

  The deepest friendship I could hope for

  When I did fall for him, it was fast and hard

  As was the sex…

  He already feels like family

  I could do anything, be anyone and he’d support me

  Those blue eyes…

  Makes me feel strong, indestructible, desirable - like the centre of his universe

  I looked at the pages side by side, therapeutic perhaps but no nearer a decision.

  I felt too restless to just sit here. Wandering to the house I found that Cassie was out. I was alone with my thoughts… I rolled my eyes, fantastic.

  And now my mind was empty.

  Utterly empty.

  I changed into my yoga stuff and leant my phone up against a tree trunk, heading to the ‘YouTube’ channel of one of my favourite instructors. Let’s make the most of this empty mind.

  Except, every time I moved to a new position and felt a muscle ache or stretch, I thought of Luke and the insanely good things he’d been doing to me.