The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  In the end, the video kept playing but I lay on the grass. Letting the warm sun sink into my skin. Wishing I could just escape this.

  What was worse? To have stayed as I was, alone but trouble free. Or to have had two amazing new lives opened up to me, one of which had to go. Maybe wine would help…

  Yet an afternoon lying in the sunshine with a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio, did nothing. I jumped into the shower, frustrated at myself. Angry at the world in general.

  A random idea occurred to me, to recreate some Zack magic. By early evening, I dressed in tight jeans and a sheer top, put the Gucci’s back on and grabbed a cab to the restaurant we had shared our first date in.

  A modern annexe had been built at the side, housing a stylish bar. I perched on a stool (tall girl win, no need to climb) and looked across at the main restaurant. I recognised the table we had been at together that night right away.

  The new section was striking and modern, lots of glass and chrome lighting, plus those massively oversized wine glasses that I loved. It was the middle of the week and the place was just the right level of busy. Buzzing enough to stop me feeling self-conscious, but not packed.

  I ordered a large Pinot Grigio from a tall barman with long brown hair in a ponytail. He looked to be in his early twenties which made me feel old as he smiled at me and swiped the credit card. Yes, I was still using the joint credit card.

  “Just the one drink? Waiting for someone?” he asked.

  “Only me tonight.” I shrugged and took a sip of the cold wine, savouring the sharpness of it in my mouth.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” he began. “I didn’t mean to cause any offence.”

  I waved my hand, smiling as I placed the glass back down. “No, you haven’t. My choice, I needed to think.”

  “Well, I do take my duties as a bartender seriously, so if you need anything let me know,” he smiled and held his hand out. “I’m Jonathan.” His hazel brown eyes focused on me, and I could see how confident he was in himself. I’d never been like that; it must be nice to not doubt everything.

  “Lily,” I shook his hand. “Please make sure I don’t start doing shots, I have a bad history with shots.”

  “No shots allowed,” he grinned. “I make a mean cocktail though so let me know if you want me to talk you through the list. Also, bartenders are great listeners, if you want to talk.” He smiled as he moved to serve a middle-aged couple who had arrived.

  I swiped through my phone as I enjoyed the sharpness of the wine. I read through old messages from Zack. Silly flirty comments and steamy suggestions. Mundane day to day tasks - what’s for dinner? Are we going to the gym? Every message mattered to me. I looked through the hundreds and hundreds of photographs I had of us. We always looked so right together, we complemented each other. The sheer wealth of our life together hit me like a slap across the face. There were photographs of us with Cassie, my parents, all of his family, his university friends, our joint work friends, neighbours. Then on top of that a multitude of us together on nights out, cooking together, lazing in the garden, intimate ones that I swiped off as fast as I could with a blush. I landed on my favourite, the two of us in the castle together, with the sunshine behind us. It still took my breath away every time I saw it.

  A voice pulled me out of my trance, startling me. “On the house.” It said as another large wine was placed on the bar. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  I looked up and saw Jonathan. “Thank you, that’s so kind, and definitely needed.”

  I still had the phone in my hand, the photograph open. “Is that your boyfriend?” he asked.

  “I wish that was a simple yes or no. Yes, I guess. We live together. We’re just, ‘on a break’.” I did the air quotes. His laugh was warm as he looked at me.

  “Think we’ve all been there. He doesn’t look like he wants to be on a break. Was it your idea?”

  “No, it was his. An argument got crazy.” I took a long drink. Realising too late that I’d already had a lot, and it always gave me loose lips.

  “Look at this picture and tell me what you think then.” I swiped to a picture of Luke and I, cuddled up at his place a few nights ago.

  “I think, you both look happy. They’re genuine smiles, and your eyes look happy too which is the giveaway.” He passed the phone back. “Is this… how you spent your ‘break’.” He did the air quotes too and I laughed.

  “Yep. We go back a long way. I wondered what someone outside of the situation would think.”

  “What’s the situation?” Before I could reply the phone on the bar rang. He mouthed, “sorry,” as he walked away to answer it.

  Alone again, I went through the photographs of me and Luke. There were a lot, covering a wider range of time, but with large gaps which made me feel sad. I knew what those gaps were. So many were in my flat to begin with, from when I didn’t go out and he and Cassie kept me company there. Lots from work and nights out with the team, gorgeous scenes from Snowdonia, The Lakes, Pendle, all the places we’d hiked together. So many of us dancing around, and coffee shop selfies. Then a huge gap, the twelve-month gap in my phone was the busiest in his, I realised.

  This wasn’t generating any revelations, but the wine was good, and it was nice to chat to someone who didn’t know me. The bar was busier, I saw Jonathan glance at me between customers. “What’s your favourite spirit?” he asked.

  I puffed out a breath. “Like them all to be honest! Probably… vodka?”

  He nodded. “Nice choice. I’ll use the good stuff. I finish my shift in fifteen minutes, why don’t you take a seat over there, and I’ll bring you one of my finest vodka creations.” He gestured to a table near the back, which seemed to be for staff breaks. “Then you can tell me the rest, see if I can help?” His eyes were kind as he spoke to me.

  “Sure.” I nodded as I gracefully hopped off the stool (again, thankful for long legs!) and headed to the table with the last of my wine.

  “I used my judgement to try to guess what you’d like.” Jonathan smiled as he sat down opposite me a short while later, placing a beautiful looking drink in front of me. “This is a lemon drop martini. Hope you like lemon?”

  “I love lemon!” I grinned. “Do they teach you this at cocktail school?”

  He laughed. “I don’t know if cocktail school is a real thing. I’m studying graphic design. Just good at reading people. Anyway, taste it.”

  I took a sip, licking the remnants of the sugar rim from my lip. “Oh my god, that’s amazing.”

  “I get told this a lot.” He took a drink from his own glass, a pint of honey coloured ale. His barman apron had been removed and he wore a faded t-shirt, his hair now loose and sitting on his shoulders. He tucked it behind his ears as he spoke to me. “You want to talk about these boys of yours?”

  “It’s hard to explain. I’ve been with Zack for almost eighteen months. We live together, we work at the same company. Love him to pieces, thought we were heading for the happy ever after, you know?”

  He nodded. “So where did the other guy come from.”

  “Luke is… was… has been my best friend since my early twenties. We went through a lot together, as friends. Then he told me he was in love with me. Obviously, that went down well with Zack, who said I couldn’t see him anymore.”

  Jonathan gave a subconscious nod, obviously in agreement. “Cue, me and him having a blazing row and him announcing that he wanted a break. About a week ago. Then I saw this…”

  I showed him the picture of Zack and the blonde, it really needed to be deleted. “So, I thought, fuck it.”

  “And you fucked Luke?” he asked, with a raised eyebrow.

  I nodded. “Lots of times. I have crazy, strong feelings for him. I need to choose between them, and I don’t know where to begin. I’m staying at my best friends while I try to figure it out. She wants me to donate eggs for her to have a baby. I’m lost in my life right now!” I laughed at the absurdity of it all.

  “Well, I wasn’t expecting all
that. I need a cigarette, come talk to me outside.” He motioned towards an exit door near the kitchen, I followed.

  “I think it’s obvious who you should pick, but I guess that’s easy for me to say.” Jonathan stated as he leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette. “You want one?” He offered the pack, but I shook my head.

  “How is it obvious?”

  “You love Zack, and he sounds like a decent guy, all that stuff you told me. But Luke’s the great unknown, the one that got away. Most people don’t get a second chance like that. If you pick Zack, I reckon you’ll spend your whole life wishing you were with Luke.”

  “I wouldn’t, I love Zack.” All the wine mixed with the cocktail was making my head spin now and his words were starting to irk me. I also realised I hadn’t eaten for ages.

  “I think Zack would be you settling. Everyone regrets settling in the end.” He almost looked smug as he watched me over the cigarette smoke.

  I took a deep breath and looked around, not sure how to respond to a total stranger commenting on my life like that. I noticed the restaurant was almost empty now, it must be later than I’d realised.

  “I think it might be time to go inside.” I pointed up at the dark clouds.

  “It’s not going to rain, don’t worry. I learned that at cocktail school too. So, either way you aren’t going to be on a break for much longer, are you?” Jonathan asked, his face poker straight.

  “No, I’m glad, it feels weird. I was cheated on before, and this whole situation makes me feel unsettled to be honest.” I said.

  “Who’d cheat on you? You’re stunning.” He put the cigarette out underneath his foot.

  “Not everything is about looks,” I replied.

  “Well, those two guys in your pictures aren’t exactly average are they? I never see girls like you drink with an ugly dude.”

  “I’m not with them for their looks, that’s not what this is.” My head was getting foggier, fresh air always hit me badly when I was drunk.

  “I have an observation about your situation. You seem to be bogged down in the emotion of this, I think you need to clear your mind.”

  “I don’t do drugs, well, not proper drugs-” I started to explain but he cut me off.

  “I didn’t mean do drugs. I meant do me. No strings, no phone numbers, a night to take your mind off them both.”

  Before I could even think, he kissed me. The cigarette taste made me feel ill, his tongue so far down my throat, I was going to gag. As I felt his hand grope at my chest, I realised I needed to stop this now.

  I kicked him in the shin, thankful again for the Gucci’s which seemed to connect nice and hard. “What the fuck was that for?” he cried out, clutching his leg.

  “When did I ever give you the impression that I wanted you to kiss me?” I shouted.

  “You have been giving me the eyes all night,” he said, standing upright again.

  “I have not! I thought you liked talking.”

  “Yeah…because talking to girls is my favourite hobby.” he said sarcastically.

  He started leaning in towards me again and I held my hand up to his face. “I can’t believe you. Definitely not happening.” I rushed towards the large doors of the main bar, ordering an Uber as I did. My mouth felt disgusting.

  “Unbelievable.” I muttered to myself as I climbed into the car, staying composed all the way back to Cassie’s, before locking myself in the granny flat, feeling more tears springing from my eyes as I realised, I’d been an idiot once again. Why was my judgement of people so off? He wasn’t interested in helping me, he just thought I was an opportunity for no strings sex. I didn’t want meaningless excuses to sleep around. I wanted love, but which was the right love?

  After brushing my teeth and swilling the mouthwash multiple times, I felt hygienic again. Cassie had left me a fluffy dressing gown, all parcelled up at the end of the bed like in a posh hotel. Probably only because she wants to harvest your eggs! My head never stopped.

  I rubbed my temples and opened the notepad again. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep, thinking about the past hadn’t got me anywhere, I needed to think about the future, and what would happen with each of them.

  Zack

  We could be great together again

  Wants a promotion and then we can buy a house together

  I think he’d propose within 18 months

  Huge wedding, massive family, crazy celebrations

  Honeymoon somewhere luxurious and exclusive

  He’d want babies straight away – even more reason to keep my eggs to myself!

  Life would be full of friends and family and love

  Our home would be the centre of it all

  Luke

  Wouldn’t need to forgive anything, jump straight into our ‘real’ relationship

  His house already feels like my home

  I think he’d propose, but would be low key

  Get married on a beach, just us, perhaps not even a legal ceremony but symbolic

  Honeymoon would involve travelling

  Would he want babies? Would we adopt babies?

  Life would be adventure, exploring the unknown

  How could you choose between those two equally amazing, but utterly different lives? Still, it was progress, vague progress…

  A thought occurred to me, that maybe a long, late-night phone call would help. Be like the old days? I didn’t even know if either man would be free. I had started all my lists with Zack first, so got cosy in the bed, filled my glass up with water and hoped he’d answer.

  He didn’t let me down. “Wasn’t expecting to hear from you, everything ok? It’s late.”

  “Yep, all fine,” I replied. “Just wanted to hear your voice. Are you busy?”

  “Watching football at home, but you know you beat football every time.” I could sense him smiling as he spoke.

  “It feels like a long time since we just talked, do you know what I mean?” I asked.

  “I do, but we’re both on the phone now. So, I’ll turn the football off, hey?”

  “You are so well trained,” I teased. “Who got you under the thumb?”

  “Well,” he was starting to flirt. I loved his flirty voice. “She’s this absolute temptress, has me under a spell where even football can’t break through.”

  “She sounds awful.” I gasped, enjoying the playful mood. “How do you cope?”

  “When she gets too much, I have this little trick, this thing I can do to her.” His words made me breathe faster. “She can’t deny me anything once I get started.”

  “How do you know she’s really into it? Don’t you worry she’s faking?”

  “You can’t fake what she does.” I could tell he was smirking.

  “I’m going to hang up on you now Zachary.” He took a breath as if to object. “Facetime me in five minutes, OK?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.” he replied, as he ended the call.

  Well, that intensified quickly. Maybe that’s the effect of being apart? I remembered how we had calls like that every night when we first started dating. I dragged a brush through my hair and wiped my face, keeping the fluffy dressing gown on as I sat back in the bed. My phone began to buzz with a video call.

  I smiled at Zack as I accepted the call. “Hello again.”

  “It’s good to hear you sounding relaxed.” Zack was on the couch in our living room. The lighting was dim and cosy, and his hair looked scruffy. He had stubble and looked beautiful to me. It made me homesick.

  “Swap relaxed, for pissed.” I admitted.

  “Wish I was there, you’re great when you drink.” he grinned.

  “I kicked a guy in the shin for trying to kiss me, so be careful!” I raised an eyebrow at him and smiled.

  “What the fuck? Was it Luke?” He sat upright, paying more attention now.

  “No, I’m not with Luke. I went for a drink, thought it might help me think. I went back to our first date date place. It was a random barman. Hope he has a bruise tom
orrow.” I really did.

  “I worry about you. You walk around all gorgeous, not realising how good you look or the effect it has, you’re too sweet and innocent sometimes,” he sighed. “As long as you’re safe. I’ll come over if you need me?”

  “I’m fine, promise. He was harmless, sort of. I wish you were here, but at the same time, I think this is giving me what I need I do miss you Zack. I’m glad we’ve stopped shouting too.”

  “I miss you too, that fight was stupid. Can we never do that again? You feel close now though.” I saw him take a drink from a beer bottle.

  “I needed to hear your voice, to see you. I was remembering when we first met and how we fell in love and…” I paused, not knowing what it was I wanted. “It was amazing, wasn’t it?”

  “Not liking the use of the past tense there…” His eyes narrowed with concern.

  “No, no I don’t mean that. I just mean the feeling of falling in love with you,” I smiled. “Used to love those phone calls every night too.”

  “Me too, still not as good as when we moved in together though.”

  “I remember when we went to see the house, and both loved it straight away.” I relaxed even further, as I recalled walking up the driveway together on that sunny afternoon, holding hands and feeling giddy.

  “I remember the first night when we moved in, and the second, and the third.” He had a naughty smile on his face.

  “Stop!” I knew I was blushing as I sniggered with him.

  “Nice dressing gown by the way Lily.”

  “It was a gift. I think Cassie wants to trade it for eggs.” I said.

  “You’re not making sense. Doesn’t matter as long as you come home.” His eyes were intense, and we just looked at each other for a moment.

  “I’m trying Zack, I am. This is making me realise how much I miss being normal together.” I admitted.

  “I told you normal wasn’t all bad,” he said as he sipped from the beer bottle. “So how much wine have you had?”

  “I don’t know. Four? And a lemon martini?” I screwed my nose up as I thought about it.