The Missed Kiss

by Nicola Lowe

  “That’s about the right amount that you’ll love it if I start getting ideas about you taking the fluffy dressing gown off…”

  I bit my lip before I replied. “Zachary that’s an obscene suggestion. What type of girl do you think I am?”

  “That’s so unfair that I can’t give you a full title like that.” He rolled his eyes at me, but I knew he loved it. “As for what type of girl you are… I told you many times that you’re my perfect girl. I seem to recall many, many nights when we weren’t together but things… could still sometimes happen?”

  I could hear that his was breath was coming faster and realised mine was too. His eyes looked so dark and intense, I wished he was with me right now. I was hit by waves of nostalgia. “I remember those nights, I remember I used to desperately wish it was your hand on me, rather than my own. I cursed myself for asking you to take it slow.”

  “Where would you like my hand now then Lily?” he asked, as he shifted around on the sofa, all thoughts of football now relegated.

  “Unfastening this,” I replied as I undid the dressing gown belt and slid out of it. He could only see from my collarbone up, but I knew the effect it’d have. “Whilst I was unfastening your jeans, hearing that satisfying thud as your belt hits the floor.”

  I smiled widely as I saw him stand up and then heard the same thud I’d just mentioned. “Obviously on the same wavelength here.”

  “I loved the way we went a little further every time we met, it was likes weeks of foreplay, it used to play on my mind all day. What your voice sounded like in my ear, what your next step would be.” I told him.

  “Me too, I struggled to concentrate on anything but you, still do.” I could see the phone jolt as he got comfortable. “I’ve never wanted someone as much as I wanted you, but it wouldn’t have been the same if we’d jumped right in. Those few weeks were indescribable, I adored them.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment, sighing as I remembered. Forgetting for a moment that Zack was watching me. His voice snapped me out of it. “You look amazing. I can imagine right now what your skin smells like, how warm you are. I know that anytime now you’d make the sexiest little noises in my ear as my hands wandered all over you.”

  “Zack,” he was driving me crazy already. “You know my favourite way to make those noises, right?”

  “I do,” he sounded breathless. “You’d push me down, maybe right here on this couch, and climb onto my knee…”

  “Take your face in my hands and kiss you, proper, sexy kisses.” I continued the story for him.

  “Then I’d run my hands up your legs, tease you with my fingers before…” He sounded so on edge as he spoke, I could almost imagine my own fingers were his in that instant.

  “I love looking into your eyes at that moment Zack, as you pull me down onto you.”

  His voice was so low as he spoke. “That’s when I forget the whole world. When only me and you exist. Feeling you gasping in my ear, the smell of your hair, your skin pressed against mine. That feeling of heat on the inside of you…” He stopped speaking and I knew that those memories had pushed him over the edge. I was feeling the same and caught up, the phone fell between the pillows as I did so.

  I tried to control my breathing, smiling at Zack as I grabbed the phone back. “Thought I’d lost you there.” Zack looked so relaxed, and insanely sexy as he leaned back on the couch. Our couch, in our house.

  “Sorry,” I bit my lip, embarrassed. “Got a bit carried away.”

  “As if you ever have to apologise for that. We shouldn’t have stopped those calls.”

  “Be weird if we were in rooms next to each other though.” I grinned.

  “Nah, because I could come grab you when it got too much.” Zack replied with a happy shrug.

  I lay down with my head on the plump pillow, contemplating him for a moment. “I love you so much Zack. I’m sorry if I haven’t shown it enough.”

  “Shh. I love you, always will, there’s nothing in the world that could stop me.” I blew a kiss to him as he continued to speak. “Listen, you need to look after yourself. You looked exhausted at work, and I worry about you. So, while you have that huge bed to yourself, and you’re still feeling all orgasmic and dreamy, get some sleep, ok?”

  I nodded. “I will. You too, Zack.”

  “Night Lily, love you.”

  “I love you too.” I smiled as he ended the call and I snuggled down into the sumptuous covers, feeling at peace.

  Twenty Two

  I stretched and yawned, reaching for my phone immediately. Almost lunchtime again, this was becoming a habit. I smiled as I noticed a message from Zack.

  Zack: Morning xx Wanted to say I hope you slept well, and last night meant so much to me. Not just for the obvious… to hear from you unexpectedly and to have you sounding like the Lily I first met, (and to not be shouting at each other!) Have a good day today, I love you xxx

  I felt warm inside as I sat up, against the multiple pillows that I’d moulded into a cocoon around me as I slept.

  Lily: Hope you don’t think I’ve been ignoring you, just woke up, must’ve needed more sleep than I realised. I feel the same about last night. I’ll be in touch soon, I promise. I love you too xxx

  My stomach rumbled like thunder, warning me it was ravenous, and maybe slightly hungover. I quickly threw on black jeans and a stripy, cropped t-shirt. I felt on a high from the lovely moments with Zack but sensed it’d all come crashing down soon enough. It was as if my brain had a roulette wheel in it, which span constantly, the noise of it drained me as I waited to see if it would land on Luke, or Zack, Luke, or Zack. It never did land though, it kept spinning and spinning and spinning. Keeping me in an endless guessing game.

  I strolled into the garden, ready to head into Cassie’s house and make breakfast. She was already outside, hanging gorgeous, tiny dresses on the washing line.

  “Thought you were never getting up!” she grinned. “Did you go out last night? What happened to staying away from them both?”

  “I went out on my own, had a couple of drinks, kicked a guy, the norm.” I shrugged.

  “Lily, you’d never have gone out on your own, that’s definitely not the norm.”

  “Everyone changes,” I replied.

  “They certainly do,” she sighed and I noticed her glance down at her flat stomach. “Hang on, you kicked someone?”

  “In Gucci shoes even!” I grinned. “Is it OK to grab breakfast?” I motioned towards her house.

  “Sure, I’ve already had lunch, but go for it. I’m picking the kids up in half an hour, want to do baking with them?”

  “Definitely!” I smiled. “It’s been ages, I’ll be out of practice.”

  Two hours later, my belly and heart full, I surveyed the destruction in Cassie’s top end kitchen. Flour all over the worktops, eggshells on the floor, melted chocolate dripping over the hob… and two gorgeous cherub faces grinning up at me. “You two are the best cake makers in the world!” I smiled.

  “Come with me and get cleaned up,” shouted Cassie. “While Lily cleans the kitchen.”

  The smells from the oven were amazing as I cleaned up. I’d been too busy to bake lately, I missed it. Every Monday without fail I used to take treats into Draper & Hughes. The new place was so big though and it felt weird, I hadn’t often bothered. Plus, in all likelihood Zack would finish it all on Sunday night anyway.

  Another random memory flicked into my mind, baking ‘special’ brownies for Luke’s birthday and us hysterically laughing on his living room floor about nothing for hours. Thinking about that night, it was a little hazy. I had woken up with my lips stuck to Luke’s neck, all dry from being like that while I slept. I apologised for the dribble on him, and we never mentioned it, but had I tried to kiss him? I hadn’t ever wondered until now.

  The four of us sat in the garden, eating cakes still warm and gooey. Ruby and Emilia chased each other with sticky fingers and although Cassie smiled and laughed along, I could see she still h
ad sadness in her.

  “Do you want a boy?” I asked, flicking chocolatey crumbs off my top and onto the grass.

  “I wouldn’t mind you know, either way. I never thought I was done. It could be a girl or a boy and I’d be over the moon. Just to have a chance would be nice.”

  “Why don’t you and Guy go away for a break? Book something, I’ll look after the girls with… someone.” I pulled a silly face. “The two of you can relax and decide what you want to do, have some space. I’ve heard it works wonders.”

  “That’d be so good, are you sure? I know you have enough stuff going on?” She looked hopefully at me.

  “Positive. Just leave the wine fridge full.”

  “Are you any closer to knowing what you’re doing?” she asked.

  “No. Spoke to Zack for ages last night, I feel like I want to go home to him. But the price for that is not seeing Luke again. The thought of that tears me up inside.”

  “You can’t have it all though, nobody can. If you chose Luke and brought your life back here, would you forget Zack?”

  I shook my head. “No. The two of us have something incredible.” I knew that as problems go, this was insignificant, there were people dealing with illness and debt and grief. It didn’t make me feel any more positive in my outlook though. There was no magic happy outcome. “Someone said to me that Zack was the safe choice. I think they might have a point. I edge towards choosing Luke all the time, but I’m scared. I know Zack and I work, I want to be safe. But then… who makes me feel safer than Luke?”

  “I don’t envy you,” she tucked my hair behind my ears. “Well, your ovaries maybe, not this.”

  “Once I’m settled with one of them… We’ll look into it Cassie,” I said as I hugged her tight. I hated her hurt, but I still wasn’t sure this would be a solution.

  As Cassie scooped the girls up for their afternoon naps, I ran to the granny flat, remembering a bag hidden there from ages ago. Forty-five minutes later I pulled an extra batch of brownies out of the oven. I parcelled them up in beeswax wraps and took them with me to the granny flat. These were not for little fingers!

  I needed to speak to Luke, give him the same time I’d given Zack the previous night. My nerves were frayed as I waited for him to answer, all faith in my own thought process gone by this point.

  “Lily? is everything OK?” Luke sounded out of breath and I instantly wondered what he was doing.

  “Hi, I’m fine, I wanted to talk. Don’t worry if you’re busy.” I apologised.

  “No, I’m just out running, the bloody phone wouldn’t pick up and I didn’t want to miss you,” he puffed. “Let me get my breath back.”

  “It’s fine, don’t worry. Run here if you like? I wondered if you wanted to come over?”

  “I definitely do. I need a shower though, Give me forty minutes?”

  “No problem. Love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  I lay on the bed until I heard soft knocks at the door. I teasingly held the brownie to my mouth as I opened it.

  “Remember these?” I grinned as I nibbled at the crunchy edges.

  “Well, that’s going to cancel out the run,” his laugh lit up his face. “You make these today?”

  “Certainly did. One batch were child friendly. This batch – not so much.”

  “I would’ve run straight here if I’d known,” he pulled me into a delicious kiss. “Wasn’t expecting you to call, everything OK? This feels like we’re breaking the rules.”

  “I think that you and I burned the rulebook a little while ago.” I said, seeing his face light up with a sweet smile. “Being alone here is good in some ways, and I’m getting lots of thinking done. I remembered the last time we had these, wondered if we had them and talked, this might make more sense?”

  “Come here.” Luke pulled me down onto the couch, so I was cuddled on his lap. I loved this feeling. I took a bite of a brownie, giggling as the crumbs fell down my top and Luke scooped them up with his lips. Was it me or did these kisses get better and better? We were like hormonal teenagers, all over each other on the couch at a party.

  My head felt nice now, warm and cosy. I closed my eyes and leaned against Luke with a smug grin, so happy. “What did you want to talk about then?” Luke asked.

  “Us really, past, present, future. What you feel, what you want?” I shrugged.

  “Oh right, nothing major then?” he said with a laugh. “All I want is you to be happy. If that makes me happy too, then I’ll be shouting from the rooftops with glee. But as long as you’re happy and safe… that’s the best I can hope for I think.”

  His eyes looked regretful. I reached out and stroked his face. “You should put yourself first, you never do, I worry about you.”

  “I’m never going to put pressure on you. The house hasn’t felt right without you though. You say that I don’t put myself first, but I’m thinking majorly selfish thoughts. Can’t help but wish you and Zack were not speaking still. The maybe you’d just stay with me forever.”

  “Can you do something for me?”

  “Anything.” Luke replied with confidence.

  “If all the problems were gone, and you knew it was me and you, Luke and Lily forever, what would you see in our future?” I asked him.

  He blew out a long breath. “I may have thought about this in miniscule detail, and I don’t want you to laugh at me.” God, he was adorable when he was nervous.

  “I’d never, I promise. I’m just trying to get my head around two potential futures and which is right.” I replied.

  “I think you’d move in with me straight away, because we wouldn’t want to waste any more time being apart,” his eyes sparkled at me. “I don’t think you’d come back to work at the office, you’d take the opportunity to try something new. Something flexible, so you could come with me to travel. We could go around Europe together and visit all the romantic hotspots, but go off the beaten track and live like locals as well.”

  He placed a kiss on my lips before he continued. “I think we’d be in a gorgeous remote village, with stalls selling handmade jewellery. I’d send you off to find coffee, I know you’d be grouchy without it. Then while you were gone, I’d buy a ring.” I bit my lip and hugged him; this was exciting.

  “Shh, stay with me until the end.” Luke smiled as he spoke. “Then we’d go for a moonlit stroll, I’d ask you to marry me and be mine always. Back home we’d realise we didn’t want a massive wedding with all the frills. Instead, we’d go somewhere beautiful, maybe mountainous, or maybe a deserted beach. Just the two of us and say our vows, swap our rings. I’d sob like an idiot, knowing I was the luckiest guy on the planet.”

  I kissed him, full of love, before letting him continue. “We’d spend maybe two years enjoying life together, filled with an abundance of love and hope, travelling whenever we could. I can’t lie, there’d be a lot of sex, like an X-rated, ridiculous amount of sex and you’d need to prepare yourself.” He grinned, and I laughed with him.

  “That would, of course end up with my favourite image of you and me, at home together. Me stroking your gorgeous, massive pregnant belly. You’d think you looked like a blob, I know you would, but you’d look like heaven. We’d have perfect twin babies. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl like daddy. And a brown-eyed, brown-haired boy, like mummy.”

  I was silent, pressed tight against him. I knew if I spoke, I was going to cry.

  “Lily? Have I freaked you out?” Luke asked with concern, his eyes troubled.

  I shook my head as fresh tears started to fall. “No. I didn’t know you wanted all that. That was so beautiful.”

  “Hey, don’t cry, please. I didn’t mean to make you sad.” He held my face between his hands and peppered kisses across my lips, cheek and forehead.

  “You haven’t, you haven’t at all. I can picture all of that in my head so clear, it’s amazing.” I smiled at him and wiped my eyes. “Why does life have to be complicated, why can’t we have that?”

  W
e were both silent for a moment before Luke spoke. “Because I was too late.”

  I stood up and poured two glasses of wine as I attempted to gather my feelings, which were flying through my head at speeds I couldn’t comprehend. We both looked to the window as a flash of lightning lit up the sky, rain began to pour down, hammering against the windows as a rumble of thunder sounded far away. A perfect summer storm.

  “Are you eating?” Luke asked. “You aren’t just drinking are you?”

  “Keep forgetting to eat to be honest. Assuming the brownies don’t count?”

  “They don’t count,” Luke confirmed. “I’ve made this weird, haven’t I?”

  “You haven’t at all. That life sounds amazing, you said all of that so beautifully. I never thought we were going to get this complicated. I love you. You do know that, don’t you?” I asked.

  “I know, I feel it. I love you so much Lily,” he sighed as though his heart was breaking right in front of me. “I wish I had a time machine. It’s not even worth me hating Zack, it’s not his fault. You were young, free and single and I was unaware my chance was expiring.”

  “It’s not expired Luke,” I sat back down, handing him a glass.

  Luke’s face shifted slightly as he looked at me. “I wanted to ask you for a while now, but I wasn’t sure about bringing it up. Zack clearly knows about that night now, I wondered when you told him and why? When I left, you hadn’t told him, and I thought that was how you wanted it?”

  “I didn’t like telling him, but he needed to know. We were getting serious.

  I felt like it was something I’d want to know, in his shoes. Remember your last day at work? What a state I was in?” Luke nodded at me. “Well, by the time Zack arrived a couple of hours after work, I was a wreck. When you left the office, I fell apart, Petra had to shepherd me upstairs. I cried until I threw up. Felt like a vital organ had been torn out of me. I forgot Zack was even coming over until I heard the door go. When he saw the state of me, he knew this wasn’t a normal falling out between friends. I needed him to know why the bond between us is so deep.”