Feelin' the Vibe

by Candice Dow

  I had bought several of the girls similar panties for Christmas. I knew they were hers.

  I frantically ran out of the room and down the stairs. I paced the floor, because I didn’t know what I could do with this. I knew I couldn’t stay bottled up in that house until he got home. I rushed out and hopped into my car, because I was going to wherever he was. I called him and I called him until he finally answered.

  “Kenneth, you fucked her.”

  “Clark, what’s wrong with you?”

  My mind raced. “You fucked that little girl. I know you did.”

  “Calm down, baby.”

  “I’m not your baby.” I held the panties balled in my hand. I wasn’t even conscious of the fact that they were contaminated with someone else’s bodily fluids. “Who’s fucking panties are these? Whose fucking panties are these?”

  He calmly said, “Clark, I think you’re having anxiety again.”

  “Fuck you. Don’t try to preach that shit to me.”

  I was angry. I was mad. I felt betrayed. Raven was no longer a disturbed teenager. She was my husband’s mistress. I couldn’t understand. My heart didn’t understand. Why would he want a child? Then I began to think like Reggie. I slammed on the brakes in the middle of the street and headed toward my brother’s house. I didn’t want to be in that house with him if he was a child molester.

  I rushed into the house, crying. I was nearly hyperventilating as I told my mother what I found. She said, “Are you sure they are Raven’s?”

  “I’m positive, Ma. I bought the panties myself.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know, but I don’t want to see him. I might kill him.”

  “Clark, don’t talk like that. You need to stay here with us until the trial is over.”

  I’d been fooled. I’d been played and I should have known. I let guilt blind me. Because of what I had done, I thought Raven was just trying to hurt me. I felt sorry for her. I wanted to find her and apologize for what he’d done to her. I didn’t know how to go on with a molester as a husband.

  Ms. Teeny came over to Reggie’s house and all of us sat there, backtracking and wondering how long it had been and how we’d been so careless. I felt the system had failed Raven. I had failed her and I had failed myself.

  45

  CLARK

  Kenneth pleaded his ignorance up until the day of the trial. Mia called me a million times asking me how could I abandon her father when he needed me most. Ms. Teeny and I showed up at court together. Mia had driven down from school, and she was right there by her father’s side.

  I looked at him sitting there, defending his name. Several of his employees took the stand to attest that he was a good man and could have never harmed this little girl. But when they were cross-examined and asked about the nature of his relationship with Raven, they all suggested that it was weird. My heart was pounding throughout all the testimonies. I’d already assumed his guilt, but I hoped I was wrong, just for my sanity. If I judged Kenneth wrong, it was possible that I was just a bad judge of character. I beat myself up as I tried to understand how this could happen under my nose.

  Raven glanced back at me and my eyes caught her eyes. She looked like she wanted me to save her from all of this, like she wished she hadn’t said anything. Who knew where she was living now? I wanted to give her a hug.

  When I took the stand, the defense attorney asked me questions about Kenneth’s character. Though I was convinced he’d done this, I answered honestly. Basically, I let them know he was a good man and a good father, and he believed in the overall good of people. When I was cross-examined, the attorney made me question everything I thought I knew about Kenneth, even suggesting that Kenneth preyed on me when I was his patient. He made him out to be this monster who blew his top when he didn’t get his way. I sat there wondering if I’d been married to a man with multiple personalities. I reflected on our relationship. I was so vulnerable and needy when we met that I did whatever Kenneth wanted me to do. I thought he was so smart that I could follow him anywhere. It wasn’t until I started standing up for my rights that I noticed a change. Kenneth hadn’t changed. I had, and it explained why he would deal with this little girl. He had a need to control his relationship. The prosecutor painted me to be one of his victims, and I stepped off the stand convinced that she was right.

  When Raven took the stand, Kenneth had a nonchalant expression on his face. He looked in a different direction as she spoke. After she stated her name, she began to cry. She was an open book, and the emotions that she displayed on that stand confirmed there was something between them. She even shouted out, “He told me he loved me. You told me you loved me.”

  She wept loudly as she tried to get Kenneth to look at her. His reluctance to face her confirmed my suspicion. The pain in her voice shattered me, and I broke down as she went into vivid detail about their relationship. She opened her diary and read the dates and times they had sex. And, the most hurtful news of all, she claimed that he told her that she was more woman than his wife, because I couldn’t have kids.

  Ms. Teeny wrapped her arm around me and I cried on her shoulder. I had heard enough. I owed him nothing else. There was no other way Raven could have known this. I didn’t care if he rotted in jail. Still, it was technically his word against her word. To seal the case, the prosecutor read a few text messages from the transcript. She stated the dates and times. There is no way Raven could have been sending messages to herself from Kenneth’s phone at the stated times. I felt like I had diarrhea, because the wording was so familiar, so Kenneth. He was telling her that he loved her and when she was eighteen, he planned to take care of her. Teeny looked at me and her eyes were watery, but I was just stunned. Finally, we decided it was best to leave the courtroom. Neither of us could take it anymore.

  The jury deliberated for less than an hour before they returned with their verdict. The judge ordered that Kenneth go to jail while awaiting sentencing. He would not be returning home until it was all over.

  We went straight to my house, only to discover that he’d changed all the locks. Teeny called a locksmith and he opened the house up for me. I went in there and packed up all of his shit. Mia could stay with me as long as she wanted, but I wanted every other memory of Kenneth out of my house. I wished I would have stayed in Nicaragua and left his ass in jail. Now it was too late. I’d messed this thing up big-time.

  Morgan called Mia and she claimed she didn’t want to see me. She asked Morgan to meet her at the house so that she could get all of her things. She was driving back to school and she didn’t plan to ever come back to Maryland again. My motherly instinct kicked in and I called her repeatedly, but she didn’t answer.

  * * *

  Kenneth was sentenced to three years and would likely serve a lot less than that. I went to visit Kenneth one time with divorce papers in hand. There wasn’t really a whole lot I needed to talk about. When he came out to the visiting room, his head hung down. I held mine high.

  He sat in front of me and thanked me for coming. I said, “Don’t thank me. I’m here to handle business.”

  “Clark, I’m sorry.”

  “It doesn’t matter. You’re sick.”

  “I’ve been a therapist for twelve years and I have never dealt with anyone underage.”

  “Why Raven?”

  He took a deep breath. “Clark, you have to believe me. She was so aggressive, and I guess I was just being weak. We were having problems and it was just easy. I’m stupid.”

  “I’m glad you know that. You’re stupid as shit. I just came here to give you these divorce papers. If you want to contest it, they’ll bring you to court. But hopefully, you’re not even considering that.”

  “No, I’m not. All I want is that you will take care of my Mia.”

  I shrugged. “Mia hasn’t answered my calls. She’s angry with me because she thinks I betrayed you.”

  I felt sorry for him, but I didn’t know what I could do to help him
. It was over. I stood and he apologized again. I walked out and cried my eyes out. I was on my own again and my marriage was a big joke. I never wanted to do it again. I didn’t know if anyone was worthy of my trust.

  46

  DEVIN

  As the days before the general election approached, I asked Jennifer to bring Nicole down so she could be a part of the momentous occasion, win or lose. I wanted my parents, Jennifer, Nicole, and Taylor beside me. It would have been too much to ask for Clark, but deep down I yearned for her to be there, too. Jennifer and her husband, Aaron, came in on Friday night. My parents flew in on Thursday night. I hired a chef to prepare meals for the weekend.

  My mother had always been a fan of Jennifer’s and if she’d had it her way, we would still be together. They sat at the table on Friday night, breaking down my mistakes and how I’d always loved Clark for some strange reason. Over the past few months, I had become a love cynic.

  Taylor and Courtney waltzed in around eight. By that time the chef was serving up his appetizers. Taylor gave hugs as she chomped on the seared scallops. It was her favorite. She beamed and everyone was glad to see her; glad that she was such a good woman. If she were egotistical, even if she didn’t want me, she could have made me suffer for my indiscretions. I loved her for that, and so for many days I wondered if she would reconsider being with a politician. But ever since we’d been apart, she looked like a freed bird. I think Taylor thought she wanted to be married, but she was a single girl at heart. I used to think it was cute that after we got married, she still called me her boyfriend, but I think that was all Taylor ever wanted.

  On Saturday, we held a rally. My complex family gathered. Taylor spoke a little about the man I was and how I shouldn’t be judged by my mistakes but rather my sacrifices. She moved the crowd. Her speech was tear-jerking and powerful. I watched in awe. She probably would be a great politician’s wife. Finally, I stepped up to the podium and rambled off my plans and promises. People cheered. They believed in what I had to offer.

  The same chain of events took place the next day at Taylor’s father’s church. I was slightly nervous about speaking there. Initially, he told Taylor it wasn’t appropriate for him to support an adulterer. That would give his members the wrong message. She had a way with her father; she was the one of his three daughters who wasn’t scared to stand up to his reign. Before long, he agreed.

  Taylor stood before the congregation and talked a little about herself and how she’d done some things; but that churches should embrace sinners, not shun them away. “It’s about forgiveness and love. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. Good people do wrong things, just as bad people do good things. This man”—she smiled at me—“is a good man. The voice of the people, Mr. Devin Patterson.”

  She got a standing ovation and I had to calm the crowd as I stepped up to speak. Her words were fire and she didn’t even know. She was clearly her father’s daughter. I stood at the podium clapping while watching her take her seat. A fleeting thought passed: Maybe if I lost we could start dating again. Taylor was convinced that I was worth nothing to no one except Clark. I stood up and greeted the congregation. My eyes scanned the church, trying to connect with them. My words disappeared when I saw Jason in the crowd. I smiled at him and I looked back at Taylor to see if she’d seen him. She clapped anxiously. I felt empowered and at peace. At least my life had returned to some state of normalcy. I wasn’t sure what inspired Jason to come through, but that was my boy and I wanted to apologize for stealing the girl he loved. I was inconsiderate, which was why Taylor and I weren’t together now. His presence damn near brought a tear to my eye, but as Taylor would say, I’m too cool for that.

  “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak to you today. You can hear from me and not my opponent who I am. You get a chance to connect with me and not with the naysayer message. I am a man. Not just any man, one who believes in justice and prosperity for all mankind, especially my kind.”

  The church members nodded and clapped. I looked at my mother, who often felt my blackness was too intense and I should tone it down some. My purpose on this earth was to change things for my people, and why should I try to disguise that? I was proud, and I injected pride in the church as people stood on their feet, holding on to my words and my plans. By the time I sat down, I was sure that I had sealed the election. Bishop Jabowski’s sermon was the icing on the cake. The Chosen One. I could go home and rest and enjoy my family.

  When the service was over, Bishop Jabowski prayed over me. He prayed that my scars would be healed and I could go on and live my purpose without all of the demons that possessed me. He spoke as if I was wicked. Damn, I was just unlucky in love. I wasn’t the devil. Still, I thanked him and walked into the vestibule where they had set up a table for me.

  People came up to me to talk and shake my hand. Some even asked for my autograph, and a few of the younger women slipped me their numbers. Why do chicks love bad boys? Didn’t they see how much trouble I was in for chasing ass? Unfortunately, they were the furthest things from my mind, so that was a wasted effort. I had to get my life in order, and I didn’t plan to mask things with another woman. I never believed in piling problems on top of problems. When I looked up and saw Jason, I walked around the table to shake my man’s hand.

  “Whatchu doing here, man?”

  He shrugged and with a silly grin said, “I’m still registered to vote in this district.”

  “Yo, that’s why you my man.”

  “I just wanted to say the way I carried things was real busted.”

  “Naw, dawg. That was me. I should have left her completely alone when you asked me to, but like you said, I’m selfish.” I laughed. “I was selfish.”

  He smirked. “Whatever, yo.”

  “For real, man.” Suddenly, it dawned on me that he probably didn’t know. “Man, you know Taylor and I aren’t together anymore. She just has my back through this. You know.”

  “Yeah, I heard all about you and Clark.” My chin drooped as I nodded. “What’s up with that?” he said anxiously.

  “Back with her husband.”

  “Whoa. Yeah, sometimes it’s like that. You ain’t always going to be with the one you love.”

  Just as he said that, Taylor cut the corner. In seemingly slow motion, she said, “Hey, Scooter.”

  Scooter was her childish nickname for Jason. He leaned in for a very distant hug. “Hey, Taylor. How’s everything?”

  It was as if she negated the positive energy flow. I wondered if he was still a little bitter about everything. It seemed like he should be over the situation, but then it hit me: I still wasn’t over my girl, why should he be over his? Taylor obviously sensed the tension she’d caused and kept on moving.

  Jason and I started recapping. He and Akua got married. She was expecting their first child. They were still at Yale. He was now an attending physician and Akua was still completing her surgery residency. They moved to a big home right outside of New Haven. I was proud of Jason. He’d made it work with his runner-up and I was still running after the winner. Something had to give. My eyes shifted to find my runner-up, and at that moment I couldn’t fathom making it work, because she’d always be Jason’s winner. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if one of my boys was married to Clark. There were multiple reasons why Taylor and I were irreversibly done. Things we should have taken into account before we walked down the aisle were completely overlooked.

  Jennifer and Nicole burst through the crowd. Nicole’s piercing voice yelled, “Uncle Jason!” as she bolted toward him.

  He hugged her and stroked her hair. “Hey, Nikki, what are you up to?”

  “Everything,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  We all laughed. Jennifer reached out for a hug. Looking at me, Jason joked, “See, man, I told you that you wasn’t happy unless you had it all.”

  Jennifer said, “That’s my baby daddy.”

  We looked at Jennifer and laughed. Jason talked to Nicole and Je
nnifer for a minute before my parents came over to speak. Jason became the guest of honor. No one had seen him since he was a no-show at the wedding. They didn’t know the whole story, and I never planned to tell them. Before Jason left, I told him to answer the phone when I called. He laughed. “Yeah, man, I will.”

  “That was real gay.”

  “Let’s not get started with that,” he said, raising his eyebrow.

  I raised my hands in a defenseless manner. “A’ight, dawg. You right.”

  Shortly after, we all began piling out of the church, headed home to Chef Damon’s lobster tail and filet mignon dinner.

  47

  DEVIN

  I could barely sleep the night before the election. Ironically, around two in the morning, Nicole appeared in my doorway. “Daddy,” she said.

  My head popped from my pillow. “What’s up, baby girl?”

  She climbed into my bed. “If you win, does that mean that you can’t come see me as much as you used to?”

  “No, why would you say that?”

  “I don’t know. It just seems like everybody is making a big deal out of this.”

  I pushed her hair from her eyes. “Because it is a big deal, baby. You know how I tell you to always follow your dreams?” She nodded. I continued, “This is my dream. It’s been my dream since I was your age.”

  “Daddy, I’m proud of you.”

  I hugged her. “And I’m proud of you.”

  “So, is Ms. Taylor ever coming home?”

  “I don’t think so, Nikki. It’s hard for a lot of women to deal with the limelight.”

  “Why did you cheat on her?”

  “Why do you think I cheated on her?” I asked.