Made to Love

by Medina, Heidi

  Chapter Twelve

  Nathan

  I stood in my office, overlooking the city through the large window behind my desk. Tension radiated from my shoulders, and I was battling a splitting headache. I felt like an animal that had been caged for too long, snapping at anyone who dared to get too close. I’d muddled through an early morning meeting as best I could, put in a call to Robert Johnson, and then had retreated to my office to brood in relatively uninterrupted peace. Thankfully, my secretary had been with me long enough to recognize my mood and was doing her best to intercept all calls and visitors.

  It was now just after seven o’clock. A full twenty four hours since the disastrous dinner at my house with Reagan last night. Twenty four hours, and I had neither saw or heard from her. I had tried to reach her throughout the day, to no avail. It was amazing to me that I didn’t have her cell number—and I had plans to rectify that immediately—but, my two IM’s had been unanswered, and my frequent trips throughout the building had yielded nothing, other than taking me away from the mountain of work waiting for me in my office. I had half suspected she had taken to hiding out at home, but George had confirmed she’d arrived at the office rather early this morning. So she’d been hiding out here instead. It was obvious something had happened last night; something I’d done or said, unaware of the effect it was having on her. I had racked my brain since then, seeing the events of the evening over and over in my mind like some movie on replay, trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong. She’d been into me; I didn’t doubt that at all. She’d wanted to be there. Sure, she’d been nervous, but she’d been just as aware and willing for what lay ahead as I was. And then, out of nowhere, she’d clammed up. Just completely shut down and got the hell out of there. Either something was very wrong, or she was the biggest dick tease I’d ever met and I’d been played a fool. Somehow I doubted it was the latter.

  Which meant something was wrong. What the hell was it? I needed to speak to her, see her, and find out how to make this right. She was making every attempt to avoid me, but I knew those attempts were a pretense at best. All I had to do was march into her office and demand to meet with her. I could come up with any number of business related reasons as to why, and as much as she valued work appearances, I figured she’d forgo making a scene and allow me in. But knowing I could force her to see me didn’t make me feel right in doing it. I didn’t want to force her to do anything. I wanted her to see me because she wanted to.

  I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I had popped three Ibuprofen an hour ago but they didn’t seem to be working. Damn. I never got this worked up over a woman. Perhaps I needed to take a step back, reevaluate, and get some clarity. There was only one person since Thomas that I knew could give it to me.

  “Nathan, what’s up?” Jake Miles had been my best friend in college. We’d been inseparable, and even though we’d parted ways a few years back, what with me having to fill in after Thomas’s death, and him getting married, we’d remained close. If there was anyone that could make me see straight, it would be Jake.

  “I need to talk. Got a minute?” I cut to the chase. Friendship aside, I was not in the mood for frivolous chatter.

  “Actually, I was going to call you. I just landed at LaGuardia. We have a lot to catch up on.”

  “The Temple? In an hour?”

  “See you there.”

  I pressed the end call button, and grabbing my suit jacket, I headed down to my car. Jake was in town and despite my pissy mood, I couldn’t squelch the excitement at seeing my old friend. I knew he’d been recently separated and was going through a divorce, and wondered what had brought him back to the city. I could only hope he was back for good. I’d sorely missed having him around.

  I arrived at The Temple, nostalgia hitting me as I glimpsed Jake at a table near the back. He and I had closed this place down on more than one occasion in our day. I couldn’t stop the smile spreading across my face as I joined him.

  “It’s been too long, bro,” he stated, clapping me on the back.

  “That it has. You in town long?” I signaled a waitress and ordered a beer.

  “Thinking about it. I’m here to check out the real estate, see what I can find.”

  “No shit? Huh.”

  Jake had been living in Delaware for the past few years with his wife and young son. He’d completed medical school there, and last I knew had been doing his residency at a local ER. He answered the question forming in my mind.

  “I shit you not. This thing with Heather? Let’s just say I needed a change of scenery, and coming back to our old stomping grounds sounded as good as any place else.” He took a long pull from his beer and sighed.

  “And Noah?” I knew how much Jake loved his son. Moving several hours from him had to be difficult.

  “Yeah, that’s gonna suck,” he admitted. “But it’s only a little over a three hour drive, and Heather’s agreed to let me have him for the summer and we’ll be on a holiday rotation. Plus, I can drive over anytime I want. At least she’s being gracious about that.” He was trying to disguise it, but the sarcasm creeping into his voice as he referenced his estranged wife was hard to miss.

  “But enough about me. You said you needed to talk, and I can only assume you’ve got trouble with a woman. So, tell me. What’s the problem?”

  I didn’t bother to deny it as I drained the rest of my beer. Twenty minutes later, I was halfway through my second beer and leaned back, waiting for Jake’s words of wisdom.

  He ran a hand through his black hair, disbelief clouding his gaze. “So let me get this straight. You meet this girl on an elevator in your building, and are so hot to get in her pants you basically resort to blackmail to get her hired. The first time you touch her she runs and goes MIA for three days. And the first time you make her dinner, and get her in your bedroom, she runs from you. Again. And you’re asking me what you should do.” He shook his head. “Dude, tell me what I’m missing here.”

  Hearing the way he put it did nothing to help my mood. Was it really as juvenile as he made it sound? I hated myself already. “I did not resort to blackmail,” I retorted. “It was a strong suggestion, and one Isaac was wise enough to concede to. And your mental capacity has always been questionable so I can’t really say what you are missing.”

  Jake threw his head back and laughed. “My point is, hard to get has never been your preference. Too much work, remember? I’m curious as to why you haven’t moved on by now.”

  “This coming from the man who married his ‘hard to get’.” My mood was growing increasingly blacker. The truth was, Jake was right. Any other time I would have long since moved on to someone else. God knows there were plenty of hopefuls waiting for the chance to try me and my black AMEX on for size. So why hadn’t I? It was a loaded question and one I wasn’t ready to answer.

  “Yeah, and we both know how well that has worked out for me, don’t we? She’s getting remarried and I’m here shooting the shit with your sorry ass.”

  It was my turn to concede to his point. I sighed heavily, wondering if perhaps the answer was really as simple as Jake made it sound. Move on. Could I do that? I was mentally tossing the idea around when Jake leaned in and rested his arms on the table.

  “Look. All joking aside, the fact that this girl has rattled you enough to seek me out tells me she’s different. Question is, does she rattle you because she’s making you work for it, or is it that she’s making you feel things you aren’t used to? Is it the chase that’s keeping your attention, or is it her? Maybe she’s running because you freak her out too, and she doesn’t know how to handle that. Or, maybe she’s just a cock tease. Hell, I don’t know. But if she’s got you this worked up, you owe it to yourself to find out.”

  And this is why I kept Jake around. Because at the end of the day, he always knew how to make me see reason.

  “Do I get to meet this girl? Shit, maybe I can take over; relieve you of the stress.”

  I knew he meant it as a
joke, but it didn’t stop the irrational urge I suddenly felt to plant my fist in his face. Jake and I had shared women before. On more than one occasion, one of us would step in to cover for why the other was suddenly busy and was never around. It was always easier to recover from a break up, or from being discarded, truth be told, if there was someone else there ready to soothe hurt feelings. But the thought of anything between him and Reagan left me feeling slightly queasy.

  “I’ll let you know,” I dead-panned. I tossed some bills on the table, and after securing a promise that he’d let me know if he needed help with the move, Jake and I said our goodbyes and I headed home.

  He was right. I couldn’t possibly end this thing with Reagan until I was sure of what I was feeling. Until I could put a name to it, and then decide if I could move past it. To do this, I needed to tread carefully. For some unknown reason, she spooked easily and I’d never get the closure I needed if our relationship consisted entirely of her running and me chasing. Attraction aside, even I wouldn’t be satisfied with that for much longer. No, I needed to take a more subtle approach if I expected this to progress. I wanted to know what had made her freak the hell out, but knew I needed her trust before she’d reveal that to me.

  Reagan was different. Just what that meant for me remained to be seen.

  Reagan

  NPreston: Can we talk?

  I stared at the blinking cursor beneath Nathan’s message. There it sat, blinking over and over, mocking me because I had nothing to say. No witty reply. No explanation for my silence of the last day and a half.

  Well, that wasn’t entirely true. I did have plenty to say. I just didn’t know how to say it. I knew I couldn’t avoid Nathan forever, but had childishly submerged myself in work in hopes I could at least pretend for a bit longer. I had ignored all his attempts to reach me yesterday. Selfish and unfair, but I hadn’t been ready to face him after the fiasco at his house. Brooke had left for the airport this morning while it had still been dark out, and I’d decided to come into work after seeing her off. I’d been closeted in here all morning, refusing to even venture to the bathroom for fear of running into him. I still wasn’t ready to face him. But I could only play coward for so long.

  RAndrews: Yes, I think we need to.

  His reply was immediate.

  NPreston: My office, 10th floor. Ask for Nancy. She’ll bring you back.

  RAndrews: K. Now?

  NPreston: Now.

  My heart thudded loudly in my chest as I pulled out my compact and hastily checked my appearance. I’d spent the last twenty four hours rationalizing my time spent with Nathan. I had come to the painful realization that perhaps it was just better to end it now before things went any further. It was becoming rather obvious that, for reasons I had yet to explore, I was becoming attached to a man I barely knew, and the feelings he invoked in me, while both scary and exciting, were not something I needed to deal with right now. And that freakish episode at his house? I was furious I had allowed myself to be found in a position for that to happen in the first place. I had never, in all the years I’d been sexually active, had an anxiety attack like that with any of the men I’d been involved with. I made myself clear from day one, so they’d never did anything to trigger one. They’d never asked questions of me, either. Acceptance of my conditions was required; understanding was not. Nosy men never lasted long with me, because I didn’t need twenty questions about my motives.

  But Nathan? He would ask questions. Worse, he’d expect answers. And I supposed, perhaps subconsciously I’d known that, which is why I’d hesitated to have that conversation with him. And look where that had gotten me.

  So, painful though it was, I needed to put an end to this. It was the only way I could see to hopefully remaining friends, but not letting him in on just how messed up I truly was.

  Nancy, who I assumed was Nathan’s secretary, was a short, older woman with a warm smile. She escorted me to a large set of dark double doors, announced my arrival and quietly left, leaving me standing just outside the doorway.

  Moment of truth, Reagan. Moment of truth.

  I slowly stepped into the doorway, standing there for a moment in an effort to calm my racing heart, which had swelled at the first sight of Nathan in almost two days. He was standing behind his desk, his blond hair ruffled, and his beautiful face marred by a worried crease across his forehead. The need to cross the distance between the door and where he stood, to kiss that gorgeous mouth, was sudden and urgent. Bolstering my resolve, I cautiously stepped into his office.

  He immediately walked around his desk and without a word, held out a hand toward the sleek leather couch against the side wall. I perched myself awkwardly on the edge of the seat. My emotions were at war, battling between the need to race back to my office and continue hibernating there, and the very overwhelming desire to just say ‘to hell with it all’, lay down on this couch and let Nathan do what he would.

  We still hadn’t spoken a word, and the silence hung heavy between us.

  Where should I begin?

  “Hi.”

  His voice sounded raspy, as if he hadn’t used it in a while, but the sound of it swept over me just the same. I didn’t know if I would ever tire of hearing that voice, or the things it did to me. “Hi.”

  Nathan moved to the other end of the couch, and sat on the edge as I was, elbows resting on his knees. He squinted his eyes at me, a wry smile crossing his features. “I haven’t seen you for a bit. You don’t call; you don’t write. . .”

  I couldn’t help myself. I laughed, some of the tension dissipating from the room. I could do this. I needed to do this. “Yeah, I know. Things just kinda got crazy, and I’m sorry about that.” I was back to staring at my hands, which were folded in my lap.

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  “Not yet.”

  We sat side by side, silence falling between us again, as I stared out at the Manhattan skyline. This was getting us nowhere. We needed to talk this through, but we weren’t getting anywhere with these uncomfortable lapses in conversation. One of us needed to make the first move. Seeing as how I was the one with the problem, it should probably be me. I closed my eyes, mentally counted to five, and then turned on the couch to face him.

  “Here’s the thing. I don’t want to talk about it; I can’t. And I don’t know when, or if, I will ever be ready to do that. And I realize that poses a slight problem for this. . .us,” I paused, pointing a finger first at him and then at myself. “It’s not you. . .I like you; I do. But I also realize that it would unfair of me to expect anything from you when I can’t even give you full disclosure. . . .at least right now, anyway. So,” I halted again, nervously smoothing down my hair, and taking a deep breath. “I think it may be better for the both of us if we just, you know. . .remained friends.”

  Nathan had continued to sit with his elbows resting on his knees, staring at the floor, the entire time I’d been talking. Now, I watched as he continued to sit unmoving, almost as if he hadn’t heard a word I’d said. Did he agree? Or, had I made him angry? Perhaps, after what had happened between us, he didn’t even want to remain friends. Silence continued to stretch between us, and I resisted the urge to shake him and demand he say something. Anything.

  After what seemed like hours, but could really have been no more than half a minute at most, he turned his head and his eyes met mine, and held. Those eyes, framed by the most ridiculously long lashes any man had a right to have, held concern, frustration, and perhaps a bit of sadness as well.

  Or maybe that last part was just my hopeful imagination.

  And then, “Is that what you really want, then?”

  No. It was not what I wanted at all. I wanted to scream my denial, and beg him to just forget every word I’d uttered in the last five minutes. “I think it would be for the best. I mean, with work, and you being the CEO’s son, the gossip alone—“ I stopped mid-sentence, realizing I was fast approaching the point of mindless rambling. Somehow, this conversation was
not going how I’d envisioned it on the elevator ride up here.

  “I’m not worried about that,” he countered, and then held up a hand when I opened my mouth to speak. “I hear what you are saying. It’s obvious there are things about you I don’t know. And I won’t deny that I want to know those things.” He hesitantly reached for my hand, and I took it. “But the last thing I want is for you to feel pressured, or uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel that way. It’s just that I think I like you too much.” He lifted my hand to his lips and softly kissed it. The feel of his warm, soft lips on my knuckles almost shattered my resolve.

  “I want more with you than just friends. I want you.” There was so much emotion packed into that one sentence that I felt as if I’d been sucker-punched in the stomach. This I had not expected. “And being just friends? Shit, that’s gonna be new for me, and I’ll admit, probably a little hard. But for you, I will do it.” His hand tightened on mine. “I’ll be the best friend you ever had,” he joked.

  “I would like that,” I admitted.

  He leaned over slightly and nudged me with his shoulder. “Whenever you’re ready, okay?”

  I couldn’t explain the sudden burning in my eyes. He was being understanding, and it was more than I could’ve asked or expected. I didn’t know if I would ever be really, truly ready for anything more than friendship with Nathan, but I wanted to be. “Okay.”

  We stood then, and Nathan walked me to the door. Leaning down, he briefly kissed my cheek then opened the door. Immediately he was all business. “So, Miss Andrews. You’re all set for tonight?”

  Aware someone could be within earshot, I followed along. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose.” The thought of entertaining Robert Johnson had taken a backseat the last day or so, in light of everything else, and I suddenly was anxious to have it over with.