Biomancy

by Desdemona Gunn

  “If I offered... would you?”

  Illy thought a while. “No. And that’s a bullshit question, by the by. I know you’re straight, and I know you wouldn’t be doing it because you wanted to, deep down. You’re also my fucking friend. I wouldn’t wanna ruin that with a sordid evening of pleasure. You wouldn’t be into it ‘cause you’re not into girls, so it wouldn’t be that good in the first place, and after waking, you’d regret it, you’d resent me for doing it, and you’d resent yourself for letting it happen.”

  “But what if I was a lesbian?”

  “I don’t know, Rhi. I can’t say, ‘cause you’re not, and if you were, things might be different, but you’re not. I can’t say what I’d do if I was straight either, ‘cause I ain’t, my brain ain’t wired that way, so I can’t anticipate my reaction, just like I couldn’t if I was a psychopath. ‘What if you were a serial killer? Would you kill me?’ Fuck if I know, I ain’t one!”

  “Illy, calm down. I’m sorry, I was just asking.”

  Illy sighed and sat back down, grabbed her pipe, and reloaded it. “I’m sorry, Rhi. I’m stressed to the fucking tits, and I’m hiding a big part of myself from my friends, and when I talk to the only girl who knows and she doesn’t understand, it gets frustrating.”

  “But I want to. I... It just...”

  “I know. It’s foreign. It’s like if I was a murderer and was trying to explain to you why I loved murdering and why it’s a perfectly acceptable lifestyle. Or if I was a thief or vegan or if I was joining the military. You’re just not wired that way, so you have a hard time understanding.”

  “You... You don’t think being a lesbian is really equatable with being a murderer, do you?”

  “No, Rhi, it’s a bloody example. Gods, you’re so careful with me, always on eggshells, thinking something’s wrong, like I could snap.”

  “I— I’m sorry. I just...” A tear squeezed out of her eyes, despite her rabid attempts to hold it in. “I want to understand. I want to level with you, and help you, and be there for you, but it’s hard, and it’s different, and it’s weird, but I want it to be normal. I know it’s you, just who you are, but it’s so confusing, and your mind, and mine, and how I think and how you do, and all these feelings, it’s just...”

  Rhia felt arms wrap around her and opened her eyes to see Illy’s chest and a smoldering pipe laying in the dirt where she sat before. She felt Illy’s hand stroking the back of her head. “I’m sorry, Rhi. I know I’m not perfect. I’m not logical all the time, I get emotional. I... I forget that not everyone thinks like I do, and I forget how hard that can be to accept. I know it’s not my job to hold your hand through this, but I also forget that maybe... maybe you might need someone to hold your hand.”

  Rhia sniffed. “When you say ‘hold my hand...’”

  “Oh fuck off,” Illy broke the hug, smiling. “Now you’re doing it on purpose. Here I am trying to have a moment, and you’re being a cheeky bitch.”

  “Someone has to be.” Rhia pulled her in for another hug. “I’m sorry I can’t be perfectly understanding.”

  “I’m sorry for making you think you have to be.”

  “I’ll try to be more casual about it, talk to you about hot girls like you do hot boys for me.”

  “And I’ll try to make less jokes about running off and marrying you,” she chuckled. “I’m sorry, though, Rhi. I can’t stop hitting on you. It’s ingrained in my head, you’re just...” She backed up and motioned at her body. “When you got that going on, what am I supposed to do?”

  Rhia sniffed and giggled, striking a pose. “I can’t help who I am, Illy. I was born a sexy lady; you’re just going to have to contain yourself around me.”

  “Not if you keep striking poses like that. Mmhm, that sideboob.”

  “What?” Rhia whirled to face her, looking down at her ribs at the low-hanging arm-holes of the tank top.

  “Gods, you’re too easy, Rhi.” Illy laughed to herself.

  “I shoulda known. Not like I have boobs to see the side of.”

  “Pish tosh. You got fine tits.”

  “I could be a dude, Illy.”

  “Not like anyone here cares. Horns are the sexy thing. ‘S’why no one gives me the time of dess. I got pinpricks for horns, and my massive tits ain’t nothin’ here.”

  “You have beautiful boobs, Illy, coming from a Northman. We respect boobs.”

  “Lookit you, staring at my tits, sayin’ how nice they are. Who’s uncomfortable with lesbotic tendencies now?”

  “I— I— Um, well, I—” Her face turned a vivid shade of red. “I didn’t mean— Well no, I— Um—”

  “Relax, Rhi. I’m giving you shit. If I can compliment your tits, I won’t complain when you fire back.”

  “I just— I— I mean, well— It’s just— The— I— Uhhh...”

  “You know, Brad used to shut you up by kissing you when you got like this. I suppose that’d just make it worse now, huh?”

  Somehow, betraying Illy’s belief that Rhia couldn’t get more embarrassed, her face managed to flush an even brighter red, and her stammering stopped, her jaw flapping but unable to make noise.

  “Breathe, girl! Breathe!” She slapped her on the back, trying to hold back her laughter and failing miserably. “It can’t be this easy to fluster you!”

  Rhia continued stammering noiselessly, trying desperately to compose herself.

  “You make it this easy, I’ll never let up. Fuck’s sake, Rhi, I’m just messing with you. If I actually wanted to bang you, I’d just shove a hand down your pants and play with your bits.”

  Rhia stopped, slumped down, and her jaw shut hard. She stared forward, accepting her fate, understanding her face would never return to the shade she once knew, accepting this as a good death, and daring the gods to fire down the mercy blow.

  “Dear gods, I think I broke her. What will I tell her mom? ‘Sorry, Miss I. I flustered your daughter to death. She just couldn’t handle my jabs.’

  “‘Oh,’ she’ll say, ‘I always knew it’d end this way. She just never could handle affection. Such a lame, boring daughter I had, to die before she could stop being lame, such a tragedy.’”

  “You are such a bitch, Illy.” Rhia got up and mock-punched her in the arm.

  “There she is.” She smiled her big dumb grin.

  “I can’t even believe you.”

  “It’s not my fault your mom thinks you’re lame.”

  “You’re such a liar!”

  “Compulsive, even. It’s like I can’t stop. You’re the worst, your mom is terrible, your ass looks so bad in those bootie shorts!”

  “Stahpit!” She laid down a hail of punches into Illy arm. “They’re not bootie shorts.”

  “They’re so bootie shorts. I mean, have you looked at that bootie?”

  “Nooo, stoppit! Don’t lookit my bootie!”

  “Can’t stop me! I’m’a lookin’!”

  “Staaahhp!”

  Their combined gigglefit stopped as they noticed a pedestrian walking by, staring at them like carnival freaks.

  “Hi!”

  “Hello!”

  The person just stared and kept walking, and the girls burst into further giggles.

  “Why’re you such a freak, Illy?”

  “I can’t help it, it’s in my freakish nature.”

  “You gotta control yourself! You can’t just go around being a freak of nature.”

  “Says the girl with the spacey eyes?”

  “Oh, low blow! Not even fair!”

  “Oh pish. Oh, oh, Rhia! I forgot.”

  “Forgot what?” She tried to straighten herself up, stifle giggles, but failed and fell into a giggly mess.

  “My folks, my parents. They’re going up to Arghan’Su
l, seeing an old buddy, I guess. They offered to let me come, but I told ‘em no, I couldn’t stand a turn each way on a boat, plus a week each way carriage ride alone with ‘em. But I forgot! They told me I could bring you if I wanted.”

  “What?” She again attempted to stifle the giggles and failed. “I— I don’t know, Illy. I’d have to ask my mam.”

  “Would you wanna?”

  “Well... Yeah, sure. We could make that grand escape you had planned. It’d be the perfect setup.”

  “Yes, take the ship out, and when we land, miraculously disappear into the night, they’d never see it coming.”

  “Hit the road as rebels, renegades, hitchhike to Terathor, I as a worldly bard, you as my beautiful lady of the gods, keeping me safe with your holy magics.”

  “We’d be unstoppable. The trail would fly by. No one could ignore two sexy ladies like us abandoned on the side of the road.”

  “I’d sing for our meals; you’d lean over in your dress for our drinks.”

  “Oh, so what, you’re the cool, worldly, talented bard and I’m the priestess with the big tits?”

  “Well yeah, duh.”

  “Oh of course, of course. Why didn’t I see that?”

  “I dunno, maybe your boobs were in the way.”

  “My what?”

  “I mean, how long’s it been since you’ve seen your feet?”

  “Oh fuck right off!” She punched Rhia in the arm as she laughed, dropping her to the ground. “Oh shit, are you all right?”

  Rhia got up laughing, rubbing her arm. “Yeah, I’m good. You got cannons, girl.”

  “Sorry!”

  “Nah, that little move just upgraded you from ‘priestess with big boobs’ to ‘holy warrior bodyguard with big boobs.’”

  “Ah, much better. But wait, if I’m big and burly, I can’t show boobage for drinks anymore.”

  “Sure you can! Note, I included ‘with big boobs’ in the description.”

  “Yeah, but guys won’t buy a girl a drink they’re scared of.”

  “Then you can just punch ‘em.”

  “Ah, of course. Makes perfect sense. Punch ‘em and they buy me a drink. Yes.”

  “Sounds perfect.” Rhia nodded and stared at nothing in particular. Hm…

  Chapter 34: The Black Keep

  Northwestern Cape, The Isle of Xin

  The sun was barely peeking above the treeline, making visibility low and awkward. Not quite dark enough for lanterns, but low enough to make it hard to see. Ani didn’t particularly like the idea of sitting in an easily recognizable ship in open water in unknown territory with awkward visibility. The Chief was still sitting, watching his sword. At least, he had been earlier. By now, the ship might have drifted and he could be staring a tree a hundred meters from his sword.

  “Hey Chief.”

  “Greetings. How fares Anixemeter?”

  “Good... The sun’s got me sleepless. I can’t see anything, so paranoia’s getting the best of me.”

  “Rest easy, Anixemeter, for the Chief has perfect vision.”

  “That so? How’s your sword?”

  “The Chief’s sword is inanimate, therefor unable to feel emotions, as Anixemeter’s colloquialism might imply. However, the Chief can tell Anixemeter the sword is precisely where The Chief left it. There.” He pointed into the blur. Ani took his word for it.

  “As you say, man. I’m gonna go fall into a book, and maybe a glass.”

  “Wait. The wizard has returned with a woman. A Woman of the Night Sky with dyed green hair and tattooed eyes and lips. How odd. Also, a chest.”

  “I didn’t know Constructs respected women’s breasts.”

  “The Chief refers to a wooden containment box, not the lady’s breasts.”

  “Oh... Well, hail them aboard.”

  “No need. I can teleport.” A voice from behind her made her jump.

  “Gods be damned, Elon. I can’t see shit out here, you scared the hell out of me!” The wizard, garbed in flowing blue robes and sporting long, tightly-curled blond hair, stood before her, his arm wrapped around a silhouette with the wrong night sky, dyed green hair, viridescent lips, and eyes of emerald. The two of them were dimly lit by broken sunbeams on the deck.

  “Hey, let’s go inside where we can actually see.”

  Ani agreed and the three went below deck into the lounge. She grabbed a bottle of absinthe for her and asked if the other two wanted drinks.

  Liz responded immediately with “Mead.”

  “Tea.”

  “Only Milakrian.”

  “I know; I’ve been drinking it the whole trip.”

  “Baby, no. I have tea in my trunk for you. It’s probably better than what they got here.”

  “Well excuse me.”

  She looked up at her. “Oh, do you have something other than the generic stuff? I get mine from a family friend down in south Milakria, so I know it’s good. I just figured you had the stuff you buy at markets.”

  “Nah, it’s cool. Our stuff is just that, actually. Straight from the market. Lea loves the stuff.”

  “Something you two have in common.” Liz smiled meekly before bowing her head back down.

  “I have a feeling my sister and your boyfriend here have more in common than they even know.” She looked over to see Liz leaned over under Elon’s arm, head rested in the crook of his shoulder. She looked troubled, and Elon was either holding himself well or wasn’t bugged by whatever plagued her. Oh shit, I hope she doesn’t think I’m hooking Lea and him up. ‘Cause… Oh. Actually… No. Bad Ani. Don’t break up stable relationships.

  Whatever the case, she walked over with a few glasses, a steel-mesh tea infuser, and two bottles. After her mead was poured, Liz straightened up and started sipping it.

  “So, as you’ve probably guessed, I’m Anixemeter Incubore, sister of Leana, and partial employer of the both of you.”

  “Idrilis, love of Elon, and your guide. I had a feeling, you and your sister look quite similar.”

  “True, but you wouldn’t have said that twenty turns ago. You know the area?”

  “No, but the plants do.”

  “Oh right! You’re a plant master!”

  “Plastidraed-class, yeah.”

  “So what, you talk to the plants? The trees are your friends?”

  “They don’t talk so much as feed me sensory knowledge. They’re alive, but not sentient or intelligent.”

  “So what, since you got such a bond with nature, you a vegetarian?”

  “The opposite, actually. My diet consists of raw meat for the most part.”

  “No plants?”

  “Sparingly. Occasionally, I’ll use spices or eat some vegetables, but rarely. My connection with plant life makes it... awkward.”

  “So wait, isn’t alcohol plant stuff?”

  “No, actually.” Elon piped up as he stared down at his glass, watching the color of his tea, waiting to cut it off. A pipe sat in his hand, already packed with tobacco. “Beer comes from grains, wine is grapes, absinthe, whiskey, mescal, sake, all made from plants. Mead is honey and water.”

  “Water’s a necessity, and honey is an animal byproduct. It’s the only alcohol I can drink.”

  “Fair enough.” She poured a glass of absinthe and clinked her glass. “Cheers.”

  “Cheers indeed.”

  “Now wait just a second.” A familiar thud and clank came from behind them as Lea walked out of her room garbed in a dark green robe and silk pants. The robe was open, something Lea had never really cared to notice in their own company. She never got the news that breasts were ‘dirty’ and had to be covered, and Ani never cared enough to correct her. The cleavage was completely unintentional, Ani could tell. Lea wasn’t one to show
off, though she could now, by all means.

  Looking at her, Ani noticed that without the military exercise she kept herself to, Lea had just the right amount of fat on her. She had nice curves, a good pop in her hips, but just barely enough to notice. What Ani was drawn to with the robes was her chest, noticing for the first time that Lea actually had better breasts than she did. Shit, if I put on a little weight, I could have those? Damn.

  “Oh, hey there Lea.” Liz turned around at both Elon’s words and the sound from behind her as Elon lit his pipe with a fire from his fingertips.

  “Leana, right? Remember me?”

  “How could I forget such a unique sight? Pleasure to make your acquaintance yet again, Idrilis.” She offered a hand and Liz shook it.

  “Please, Liz.”

  “Liz it is. Now, you were saying it’s an animal byproduct? That’s not entirely true. Bees fly about, collecting nectar from flowers, then regurgitate it back up and, through ‘chewing’ and evaporation, you get honey in the honeycombs.”

  “Yeah, but some dude doesn’t go out, cut a bunch of plants down then process them for fermentation. The bees take the honey out of the flowers, which is a totally natural process the plants are used to, account for, and thrive on. We just take the honey from the bees, and make mead out of it. No plants harmed.”

  “You’re a druid. Aren’t you supposed to love the wildlife?”

  “Something few people seem to understand is I’m plastidraed. I commune with plants, not animals. My diet is all meat and animal byproducts like honey and mead. Screw animals. Survival of the fittest.”

  “But plants...”

  “Hey, do I pick apart your lifestyle choices?”

  Silence befell the room until it was broken by Lea’s booming laughter. It was a jolly laugh, giving Ani sympathetic happiness, but she wasn’t used to it. Her skinny little sister should not be making sounds that loud, rich, and healthy.