Forgive Me

by Ashley Beale

  I try to go around but his arm comes out, stopping me in my tracks. “Lexi,” he spits my name in my ear. The tone he uses hurts. It breaks down a barrier. It reminds me, once again, just how horrible of a person I really am.

  “Zander.” His name comes out in a near whimper. I’m sure he knows just how damn terrified I am. I’m not terrified of his anger though, no, I’m terrified of what he is thinking of me right now. What he is thinking of his son. Our son.

  “How old is he? Huh?” He grabs my left hand, examining it with his thumb and pointer finger. “You’ve never been married.” It’s a fact, not a question. “You sure as hell didn’t adopt him. He has your eyes and ears.” In a different circumstance, I’m sure I’d laugh that he just compared our ears, but I don’t. I can’t.

  My lip starts to quiver as I attempt to answer but nothing comes out.

  “When the fuck were you going to tell me?” His lips are so close to my ear, they both start ringing and immediately pulsate after. My heart feels as though its in my stomach right now. My hands are shaking and my knees are weak. My legs are wobbling, and everything around me just blurs.

  “Lexi?” I can hear him in the distance but all of a sudden the fading white turns to gray, then into black, and all I can hear are distant echoes of nothingness. My thoughts are scattered and my body warms, contradicting the shaking its currently doing.

  I feel my body getting lifted and carried as though I were a child, until its being laid on a flat surface. I can feel the vibrations of someone speaking but I’m not hearing the words or seeing anything but pitch black. It all fades into less until I’m not seeing, hearing, or feeling anything. Nothing.

  I thought I wanted to feel empty, but really, maybe not so much.

  I’m springing to life when I’m soaked in ice cold water. The breath I inhale burns my throat as my skin crawls in liquid cold. “What the fu-“ I look over and see Zander with a bucket held in front of him, a smug smirk in place of his lips.

  Ass.

  “What happened?” I choose to ask instead of the other.

  His eyebrows shoot up, like I should know. “I’m pretty sure you had an anxiety attack or something.”

  I’ve never had one of those, so that is just weird. I’ve had anxiety, but not to the point of blacking out like that. Maybe I had too much to drink. Four beers the morning after drinking, I really wouldn’t be all that surprised.

  He pulls some of my gym shorts and a new tank top out of my top drawer, then he digs through the next two doors until I’m thrown a sports bra and a pair of my embarrassing cotton underwear. “Get dressed before you get hypothermia.”

  “Yeah, because I’m going to get that when its over a hundred degrees out.” I get out of bed anyways, and start immediately stripping it from its bedding.

  I’m pushed aside my Zander as he finishes what I was doing. “Get dressed,” he barks out. With a roll of my eyes, I pick up the clothing and march across the hall into Justin’s room to quickly get dressed. When I walk back into the guest room, Zander is laying towels down on the bed, soaking up the water.

  That should teach him.

  “Why would you pour water on me like that, anyways?”

  His body tenses but he doesn’t answer and he doesn’t face me. He continues soaking up the water on the mattress, and I continue watching his muscles flex. He certainly works hard, that much is for sure. I only wish I could see him in his dirty work attire, boots and hat, dripping in sweat. I already know its got to be one of the best views. Better than a sunset, or a blue jay perched on a tree, or a baby fawn running asides its mother.

  “Stop biting that damn lip and talk to me,” Zander orders. My eyes immediately snap to his and I realize that I was mentally undressing him, with my eyes where they sure as hell shouldn’t be, and he most definitely just caught me. Oops. Damn those beers and this hot guy.

  I clear my throat and pull out my hair tie, giving me something to do. We continue a stare down while I comb my fingers through my now damp hair, and I fix my side braid. He waits patiently until its fixed, and continues waiting until I fix my somewhat smudged makeup in the full length mirror. As I’m about to turn around, I catch his eye sight in the mirror from behind me. His eyes roam my body, even though you can’t see my curves in my sportswear.

  “Almost ten years,” he says out of the blue.

  I just nod my head, staring at him. I’m pretty sure he is eyeing my ass right now, but I don’t say as much. His goes down towards my calves and quickly make their way back up. When they rest back on mine, he hypnotizes me to stay in the same spot as he takes a few steps forward, standing directly behind me. My body is all too aware of him standing so close, like its magnetized to his. My heart a negative, his a positive, and they’re making a zing filled charge, connecting us in a hyperaware power.

  “Lexi,” his voice caresses my name. Much different than earlier, when he was angered and distraught.

  I swallow everything I’m feeling and turn to face him directly, instead of in through the mirror. We seem to have a conversation using just our eyes and no words at all. After a few moments his eyes close slowly and I can see the pain behind his expression. I don’t know what the pain is for- if its because he has a son in general, or because we share a child, or because of the fact he doesn’t know his own offspring.

  With a large inhaled breath, he slowly opens his eyes and exhales through his nose. He repeats his earlier words. “Almost ten years.”

  “I’m so sorry, Zander,” I finally say. Wow, those words feel good. I’ve needed to say them, and I’m ashamed I’m just now doing that, but the weight of the world has been lifted from me and I feel as though I can fly.

  Okay, that is exaggerating a lot. I do, however, feel much better.

  Even with the pain searing across his face.

  “Why haven’t you told me?”

  I lick at my lips, thinking how I can explain this so he can understand. “I wanted to. I was going to. It was three days before I planned to tell you and my mom walked into the bathroom the same time I happened to be throwing up from the morning sickness. I was in a sports bra and she could see the belly. She knew, there was no denying it. She made me pack up, right then and there, and I was on a plane within three hours. She told me if I ever told anyone, than she’d cut me off from any support. She said everyone would disown me. That you wouldn’t love me or Justin. She terrified me. When I finally knew she was so very wrong, and nothing could hurt me more than losing you, it was already too late. It was years down the road and everything was going so great. We have a life. We’re healthy and happy, and you are too, and I didn’t want to burden you. I assumed you had moved on. I assumed you’d have a little one or two running around here by now, that you were already married. I didn’t want to interrupt all that.”

  Wow. I should curtsy and thank the audience. I cannot believe I said all that, without tears, without a second thought, without stuttering. And luckily, Zander listened.

  He takes a few steps forward until we’re breathing each other’s breaths. “Lexi,” he says softly, leaning in closely. I can taste his words on my lips, and it takes a lot of effort not to shutter at the proximity between us. “You should have told me.”

  My eyes close until I’m being pushed back. They snap open the same time my back is pressed against the chilled wall. Zander’s hands go to my hips and he lifts me up until I’m on the tip of my toes. His mouth comes crashing down on mine so hard and fast, I feel dizzy all over again. Our lips glide against the other, remembering the tastes, the sparks, the bliss, the euphoria, the love. All of it. Everything we had. They’ve been connected and they’re being connected again. The pieces are being piled back on together.

  When Zander pulls away, I’m left panting in desire, wanting more. Needing more.

  He takes a step back, making me stand back in place with a wobble and he shakes his head. “That was a mistake.”

  Ouch.

  “Yeah,” I nod my head, agreein
g, even though my body is screaming bullshit. I know he felt the heated passion, his erection is evidence of that. But a mistake- yeah, it was a mistake. He is about to be married, we haven’t seen each other since a different lifetime, and we have so much baggage between us.

  “I um.” He takes a step back, towards the door, away from me. “I need to get back outside.”

  “Wait,” I call out as he reaches the door. He faces me again, his demeanor shot. “He knows about you. He wants to meet you, get to know you, as a father.”

  Zander’s eyes fall to the ground, unsure of the situation. “I’m not sure if I can do that.” Then he is gone.

  I stare at the spot where he was just occupying, and my heart takes its final break. He doesn’t want to get to know our son. His son. Justin, my world, my everything. His own blood related father denies getting to know him. Out of everything, that was my biggest fear. Out of everything, that was the last thing I ever actually expected from Zander.

  There is a time for silence.

  A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves

  Into their own destiny.

  And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.

  -Gloria Naylor

  I give Justin a hug when I walk back outdoors and look around over his shoulders. Its as if no one even knew I was gone for twenty minutes, while I gathered myself from the aftereffects of Zander. Thinking of Zander, he isn’t even out here.

  Once I pull away from our hug, I ask Justin how his time with his aunt was. The look on his face when he explains about their late night- well, early morning- warms me up inside. I feel bad that he never had this before but the fact he is having it right now, its pleasing. I want him to be connected to all his aunts and uncles, even my parents, but I don’t see the latter happening. At least, not right now. Not while we’re here. But now that my dad knows about him, maybe he will eventually make an effort in getting to know his only grandchild.

  I take a seat with Justin at the bench table, sitting between him and Magnolia. Everyone seems to be caught up in their own conversation, including Justin who is talking to Rease about sports some more. Its pretty amusing seeing them connect the most. Then again, they’re much closer in age than he is with my brothers.

  I mostly stare off into space, listening to surrounding topics but not involving myself in the conversations. I pick at the hamburger and pasta salad on my plate, but don’t dig in. My stomach has too much going on with it to fill it with food. I should, with all the beers I threw back, but all I can think about is that damn kiss, and what it meant. If it meant anything at all.

  And where the hell is Zander anyways?

  His lovely fiancé is at the table, talking about the wedding. He should be around.

  But, I’m going to be selfish and say, I’m sure glad he isn’t. I don’t think I could handle seeing the two of them touching or talking right now, especially kissing, not after that.

  I need to stop thinking about it too. I need to stop thinking in general. I hate him and I love him all in one. I’m so angry at him, but I’m understanding. And my body, well that is craving the hell out of him. Its nearly humming with desire, wanting more.

  Once lunch is finished, all us girls clean up while the guys start in a round of horseshoes. This includes Justin, but it excludes Zander. He still hasn’t showed his face yet his pickup is outside, so I know he is still around here somewhere. Oddly enough, Emerson hasn’t said anything. Maybe she knows where he is. I want to ask, but I don’t.

  I also want to ask if she knows Zander is Justin’s dad or not. He knew right off the bat, but it more or less could have done with his age.

  I hear laughter down the hall and immediately recognize that it’s Faiths. She yells out, “Lexi, did you uh, have an accident or something?”

  Scratching my head with wonder, I start heading that way with Rease and Magnolia following behind. When I get to the room I’m occupying, I immediately understand why she would ask. The bed is still covered in about four towels, with two more thrown by the door, the wet clothes adding to the pile. She looks over at me and laughs even more. “I didn’t even realized you changed until now.”

  My face beams red with embarrassment. Really, I shouldn’t be embarrassed, but for some odd reason I am. Maybe because I immediately think about what took place for me to be soaked with water, as well as the bed.

  I laugh it off though, alongside them. “No, no. I uh-“ In walks Emerson, great. I can’t tell the truth, not without her yelling and screaming in rampage. Okay, maybe not so much, but she would be pissed nonetheless. “I had an anxiety attack, I guess.” I shrug my shoulders looking at Faith.

  She lifts an eyebrow a quick moment before her eyes widen in understanding. “Oh, right, yeah. Well, um.” She looks over at Magnolia, Rease and Emerson. “Can you ladies give us a moment, please?”

  They end up shutting the door with soft laughter, leaving me alone with Faith. I feel as though I can trust her, but I’m not sure quite how much I should tell her, with Emerson being her best friend.

  “Spill.”

  I take a deep breath as she sits down on vanity chair in the room. She crosses her legs and tilts her head, giving me all her undivided attention. “He figured it out on his own. He started questioning me and I panicked. Next thing I know, I’m having water dumped over my head, then we talk for a minute, and he leaves.” After a very passionate kiss, I think but don’t say.

  Her lips purse together while she thinks on it, then slowly starts to nod her head. “Makes sense. He walked out of the house all pissed off about something. It didn’t quite click, but he said he had an emergency at ‘Ol Man Jones’ place and took off using Clay’s truck. I assumed that was the truth, I guess Emerson did too.” She looks over at the door, and my gaze immediately follows, hoping that she isn’t on the other side listening.

  “So,” Faith continues and my attention is back on her. “I take it that it didn’t go so well?”

  “Um, it went horribly. I don’t know what to do.” I exhale my built-up tension. “He doesn’t think he wants to get to know Justin. At least, that is how he made it sound, but he left before I could really ask more.”

  “He just got whiplashed into finding out he has a child, a nine year old child at that, with a girl he thought was murdered.” She lifts a brow with a semi-amused smirk. “Please. Of course he isn’t sure about things right now. I know you’re not here long, but you are here for a few weeks, so give him time. You got almost ten years, give him a few hours at least.”

  I look down to where my hands are wringing together and nod my head at her. “Yeah, you’re right. I just wish I had a way to erase all this time and make things right.”

  “Well, you can’t erase time, but you’re in the process of making things right.”

  I shrug my shoulders and look back up to her. “Kind of.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “I uh-“ The door opens and in walks Bray with her arms crossed, just as I’m about to tell Faith that Zander and I kissed. I wonder how much she just heard.

  “Go on,” she states as the door closes behind her. “Keep talking. What happened in here between you two, now that he knows you got yourself knocked up with his kid then took off?”

  I close my eyes and will myself to faint. Something. I want to get out here. This is my karma. This is what I get for waiting all these years to make amends with everyone. Since I can’t disappear and this situation isn’t going to fix itself, I do the only thing I can do- I use honesty. “We kissed for a brief moment.”

  Faith gasps while Bray chuckles. Neither of them say anything, so I open my eyes to look at them. Faith is chewing the side of her thumb nail, shaking her head back and forth. Bray is smiling with all her teeth, looking highly amused and content.

  “No offense to you Faith,” she points her stare at her before looking at me again, “but thank fucking god!”

  “Why would I take offense?” I hear Faith
ask as I’m thinking the same damn thing.

  Bray continues to smile. “Because I hate Emerson, and the second I heard that Lexi was back in town, I was immediately routing for them.”

  I roll my eyes. “Thanks but no thanks.” Although, I too am routing for us, not that that’ll ever happen. I’ve already crossed a line and as much as I crave more, I know it won’t happen. It can’t happen.

  Faith startles us both when she starts to giggle. “Well,” she stands and starts walking towards the door, “we have a barbeque to get back to.” And that is that. Apparently, she has a secret or two she is keeping hidden.

  Bray pulls on my arm as I start to walk after Faith, so I turn to face her, feeling as beat down as humanly possible. One day, everything will hopefully be back in order, and life can go on. No more stress or secrets or frustration. I mumble a, “I’m sorry Bray.” Not meeting her eyes.

  “Shut up. I’m just glad your back. I knew you were okay, only because I’ve talked to your brothers more than once to know you were indeed in Ohio with your grandmother. I also knew there was more to it than that, and I knew there would be a time I’d find out. The thought of you having a child crossed my mind more than once, we were the best of friends after all. I just wish you would have gotten a hold of me at some point.”

  “I know, I was young and stupid and as I got older, I may have matured but continued to remain naïve.”

  She grins at me, basically agreeing with me just using her expression. “How true that statement is. I, too, am very naïve.”

  Without a seconds notice, she pulls me in and hugs me close to her. The years we missed out on, the conversations we could have had, the moments we could have shared, the pain we had without one another, it all slips away in this moment. Bray was always more than a friend, she was a sister that I didn’t get a chance to have. She was a solid in my life. A rock. A hero. A savior. We may never be back to what we once were, but maybe one day, we can be more than that.